Birthday Gift for 21-yo Daughter who lives couch-to-couch

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SunnySad, Aug 6, 2019.

  1. SunnySad

    SunnySad New Member

    Our 21 year daughter has chosen not to live with us/we have chosen for her not to live with us because she smokes pot and drinks to the point of being an addict, we believe. She refuses to get a job or do anything adult-ish. The last time she was home we thought she had finally hit rock bottom but she refused to go to AA or any kind of rehabilitation program. She ended up leaving the house and going to a friend’s and getting drunk and high. This is the week of her 21st birthday. We are trying to maintain contact to let her know we still love her and hope that her choices will improve. She is going to come over next weekend to a barbecue at our house and I’m trying to figure out what birthday gift to get her. I’m finding it very difficult to figure out what to give my homeless daughter that won’t be enabling to her, will fit a homeless person’s lifestyle, and will still say I love her. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    My family doesnt give birthday gifts. Cards only. But if you think you must, I would avoid anything she can sell and no cash that she can buy alcohol and pot with. Because she will. Maybe a t-shirt or jeans. Maybe a blanket. Socks? And a nice card.
     
  3. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz “No story is a straight line. ... ".

    My newly homeless son had his birthday today. I simply texted him that I was "sending love on his birthday, and thinking of him".
    My decision regarding him having to leave some months ago was a very difficult one to make and I am very sad about his situation now and his unwise life choices, but I am trying to allow him to find his own way.
    Nonetheless, the message of love can be conveyed in words, or a small but useful gift. A lot depends on your emotional connection with your daughter, as to how she'll receive it. But I think no matter what, you will feel better remembering her day.
    For me, once today passes in a few hours, I will have done all I can do to celebrate my son's day of birth, if only in my heart and with a few kind words.
    Hope this helps.
     
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  4. SunnySad

    SunnySad New Member

    So sorry for the day you’re having. This is so hard. Thank you. I think you’re right in the point that what I do needs to be about me in the end - if only in my heart. Sounds strange but given the choices she’s making and the hurts she inflicting I need to do only what feels right to me.
     
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  5. SunnySad

    SunnySad New Member

    I’m so sad that you’re right. I haven’t come to terms that she will sell or trade anything I give her. Thanks for the reminder. I will definitely keep that in mind. Not sure yet if I can completely forego a gift but I’ll definitely heed your advice.
     
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Its not a punishment in my family. We just decided to send our sentiments on birthdays and give gifts at Christmas. This way we inadvertantly just send Kay a card only and that's all she expects. She doesnt feel cheated.

    Now Christmas is another story!!!!!
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Does she read? Does she have a Kindle? If she does, you could buy her some books for her Kindle. She wouldn't be able to sell them. But I bet she doesn't have a Kindle. She could read books on her phone, though. Maybe she is not a reader. Too bad for her.

    You could buy her an Amazon Prime subscription. It used to be about $79 for the year. That way she could watch movies on her phone. I would love it if somebody gave me that.
     
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  8. SunnySad

    SunnySad New Member

    She’s not a reader... If she were maybe she wouldn’t be in this mess! Anyway, I digress.

    I like the idea of the Prime membership or Netflix or whatever. Right now she “loses” her phone every week it seems but I will definitely think about that for Christmas. I really like that idea.

    For her birthday I have ordered her a necklace with the end of the footprints poem on it. I figure she can wear it so it doesn’t create more baggage, it’s sentimental (at least from my perspective so I feel good about it), and I won’t be heartbroken if she’s loses/breaks it or whatever because it’s not expensive. Thanks for all your help everyone. I’m glad I posted. It’s so nice I’m not alone.
     
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  9. ChickPea

    ChickPea Active Member

    This made me think of Chasejazz. :)
    In that thread I mentioned that we've done giftcards in the past, and cash as well. Our family usually just gives cash to adults for holidays....

    We did Netflix one year (completely forgot about that until it was mentioned here). That's a GREAT idea!! So glad that was mentioned.
     
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  10. SunnySad

    SunnySad New Member

    Well, I cried on R21’s birthday yesterday. I guess I’m mourning the could-have-beens. Now I just need to get through her coming over for a BBQ on Sunday. I’m a little worried that she’ll ask us for something we’re unwilling to give her - practically anything. We’re really drawing the line in the sand but I know how weak I get. She’s been on the streets for 2 years, off and on. She obviously doesn’t need me to survive, but my momma heart still wants to convince her she’s on the wrong path and make everything magically better. Reading these posts helps me stay even keeled.
     
  11. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    If our words and love could work, nobody would be here.

    These kids have deeper issues than just not conforming to society. And I think that their issues are not easily resolved, and its worse if they use substances. So talking to them about our ideas for their lives is not effective. Is it? It was not for us, at least. They don't want what we want. i giive up wondering why not.

    I have learned to accept Kay as she is right now. This is reality in the now. Worrying about the past is useless. The past no longer exists. The past is gone. The future is a mystery and we do nothing but torture ourselves if we try to predict it. The present moment is the only reality we have. It is all we can really see.

    Mindfulness and Radical Acceptance transformed my life. I recommend everyone at least try reading up on these practices and see if they make sense to you. Doing what we did before has not helped us or our children.

    Well, that's my thought for the day. Have a good one. Be well and God bless.
     
  12. Chasejazz

    Chasejazz “No story is a straight line. ... ".

    I was the same way on my son's birthday last week. What a major emotional crash I had! Out of sheer panic I joined a ceramics class the next day, and spent three hours creating.
    It was good for my soul. Maybe just the way it worked out, but most times I feel so much has been destroyed, so creating was good. The "What Could Have Beens" (with my kids) a lot of times become more than I can bear. I am in this mantra-state right now, trying to really accept that I'm alone and this is what it is, My Life, for better (hopefully) or for worse.
    I feel, sometimes, like a feral cat -- afraid to let anyone or anything touch me, less I get hurt or worse!
    But, I think Busy is right. The future IS a mystery... I have to at least TRY to sway the outcome in my favour or there will continue to be times when I feel that I just might not make it.
    I recognize your pain all too well, Sunny. It resonates as a (silent) sonic boom.
    Fill your day with grace and self-love.
    Wish nothing but good for yourself AND your daughter. Walk outside and let the sun shine on your face for just a moment. This is where you start....
     
  13. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Just remember that anything she can cash in on or anything that you give her when she is at your house will enable her to live the way she has chosen to live for a few more days. In order to get help, she has to hit rock bottom. We can contribute to someone's addiction by enabling them. It is very difficult for me to stay firm with my Difficult Child but I find that boundaries work and I get more respect once I enforce my boundaries.