Birthday thoughts.......(Q)

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by buddy, Jan 1, 2013.

  1. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So, my baby will be 16 on Saturday. It's such a milestone birthday in my head and while I'm so proud of how hard he has worked to do better, especially lately, I feel some sadness to. General bd stuff like birthday parties with friends are a no go. He has his autism class that day and I thought I'd call and ask them what they thought.
    Then there's the whole season of life thing. Typical kids are driving and he would love to do that. I think that's what pushed me to let him have a phone (he's so proud to be like the other kids even though he doesn't really call anyone).
    I wish I had a do-over on so many things.
    Will he ever have a friend? A real friend who calls him and wants to talk to him? One he won't push away? If he didn't care, I wouldn't. But he wants friends so much. He would love to date (thank heaven not so obsessed these days). I want that for him too. It wouldn't be possible (on his own) now though.
    I walk this ledge ....hopeful that he will find a place in life, enjoy whatever he chooses to do. Has a nice place to live.
    And then feel sad he wont have a family of his own, or maybe even one friend ever. Luckily he's thrilled with acquaintances. He has lots of those!
    Not meaning to whine, just kind of pms-ie and having that sadness that hits sometimes when you see other kids just so easily move on through typical events associated with being a certain age.

    He wants to go to a new restaurant and I'll invite my family. Last year he shoved my mom after supper and was awful the whole time. He is quite different this time. I think most of his cousins are gone so.could be just adults which might work better.

    Oh well, not seeking advice or anything, just sharing random thoughts......
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I really get the mixed emotions. It is hard when we are happy for what they have accomplished but so very sad at what they haven't.

    Have you tried Special Olympics? Lots of kids make their first friend (and meet girlfriends) there.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I was thinking something like special olympics too. Or maybe there is another group out there for people with either autism or brain damage as teens. As far as friends, well, if he wouldnt realize the difference, I would love to be his friend from another part of the country. Would that help?

    I know he wont have the normal firsts but there have to be places he can have some of them. There are places where the daughter get together and have some of those type things. You may be able to connect with them and get him involved there.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs Buddy. I totally understand the friend thing. My difficult child has never really had a "normal" friendship. Sometimes I wonder if he ever will. For now, difficult child seems happy with the way things are, in his mind he has a ton of friends at school (basically he considers everyone a friend even though he never does anything outside of school).
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    {{{HUGS}}} Buddy. I am glad that he is doing better this year. And, I hope he has a great time at the new restaurant. Although my difficult child is quite different than Q, I understand the wishing and worrying. My difficult child has only one real friend. I would call all the others acquaintances. And, I have had many a day where I walk through the grocery or other store, and see "those families" and dream about what that would be like.
    Happy early B-day Q.
  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    The "season of life" thing hit me really, really hard. My difficult children's birthdays were always difficult days for me. While I wore a smile while celebrating, once alone, it was me and a box of tissues...

    Even now, difficult child 2's birthdays make me sad. Holidays make me sad too. At 20 years old, he doesn't have any friends, considers his support staff "friends." When he should be out celebrating, he prefers the company of his monkey puppet.

    I had a heart to heart talk with a very close friend before Christmas. She told me that difficult child 2 is happy and while his life isn't what I envisioned it would be, I need to accept that he is doing what he wants, that he is happy. While I know she is right, it still hurts...

    Many hugs... SFR
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HUGS Buddy. No words of wisdom, just wanted you to know I read your post........ I care..............xoxoxoxoxox
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Special Olympics was a Godsend for Lucas. He finally made friends.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I relate to many of your posts due to my experiences with difficult child#2. He is now 21 and actually has someone who is "a friend". The boy likely would not be a friend under normal circumstances but both of his parents are alcoholics and he keeps getting jobs and relocating...and the parents follow to sponge off him. Isn't life crazy? Anyway, difficult child#2 invited him to live at GFGmom's house with him and it has been a win/win. Likely not a lifelong friendship but this year after waiting so long difficult child#2 can say "my friend" and we actually know what person he is referring to. Sixteen is a "big" birthday but remember that it may be another five years or so before he is close to "sixteen". He is making progress because he is blessed to have you. Be patient and remember to be pleased with each baby step. DDD
  10. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Okay, you had to make me cry first thing this morning??? I am so sorry you are having a rough one. Like a couple of the others said, HE is doing well and HE is happy. In a way it's like any other difficult child...their lives may not be what WE want it to be or what WE dreamed. Our job is to do the best we can to raise them to be the best person they can be. Q has special challenges that limit his possibilities, but the only goal for HIM is to be happy. He is happy witht he way his life is. He's being the best person he can be right now. DDD put it nicely, it'll be a long time before he's mentally and emotionally 16... and he may never get there. Age in and of itself isn't all it's cracked up to be. There are sooooo many 16 year olds here that have no business behind the wheel and many kids (yes kids) that are having families that should have been sterilized years ago (jmho).

    It IS hard but you are doing an awesome job and he's come a long way. {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you my friend.
  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member


    I certainly know I haven't walked a mile in your shoes and I do get my experiences are totally different. Bu funny thing is, that some of your thoughts were very familiar to me - also with my super easy child 16-year-old. How will his life be? Will he be happy? Will he find someone to love? Will he find his place in the world? Those are universal questions for every parent of kids getting closer to adulthood.

    For Q and my easy child the circumstances, possibilities, goals etc. will be many ways different. But still, some of that worry is the same. And luckily times have changed quickly and nowadays also kids like Q will have opportunities to have their own life, have a home to call their own (with supports, but still), have relationships and something worthwhile to do. Have a good life. (And yeah, unfortunately you may have to fight for him to have it and it may not be easy.)
  12. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Happy Birthday to him, I hope it's a wonderful one!
  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Buddy, Q's 16th birthday is a sort of milestone for both of you. Bittersweet as it may be, I'm sending you both tremendous hugs and kisses.
  14. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I read your post. Though our difficult child's are different, they are similiar in many ways. I'm speaking towards my middle difficult child, Ms. Queen. She will turn 16 soon too. I have the same feelings you do about her but she isnt happy like q. She is overly social and annoying to others and therefor looses any potential friends because she doesn't get social ques and to others she comes across (as they put it) "weird or a freak" sadly. She has many people who are nice to her but to form friendships, they never last long.

    I'm sure that what ever occurs for his birthday, it will be alright. What ever happens later on in his life will also be alright. It will be "his" path. Just like it will be my daughter's path. Perhaps not the one I ever envisioned for her when she was younger but one she will be on and I will do what I can to be supportive just as you will too. ;)
  15. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Hi Buddy!
    As a read your post, my heart is filled with happiness, because Q is so blessed to have a wonderfull, loving, caring mom like you!!!!! This in itself is allready a great gift! I know where your sadness and fears are coming from! We are still walking the road you allready did! Me and hubby is really trying hard to teach difficult child the social skills, rules, cues exct, but the other night we actually wondered if the penny will EVER drop!? In many ways it does, because our boys so badly "wants to fit in" that they are really trying hard! And thats the part that makes me sad, because they are clever enough to realize, sometimes, that they are not getting it right!
    My son had 2 close friends, also boys who doesnt really "fit in" at school, over for his birthday...As the day progressed, I realized one friend for the day would have been fine....He didnt want a special cake, just a normal choclate cake....we sang happy birthday, exct....The played ps3... Actually my son played parallel, not really WITH them, but it seemed as if he had a great day....Even only 2 friends he told me later, was a bit much!
    I do think you are doing the right son would actually be happy, just going to the restaurant with me, his dad and brother!
    Buddy, have you ever thought of Q becoming part of the "wrongplanet forum"? Its a very supportive, friendly forum for people and parents on the autism spectrum?
    Hope you will have a VERY blessed and wonderfull day! Please give Q hugs and let him know he has friends from all over the world!
  16. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member


    i know where you're coming from. It can be a tremendous sense of loss for mom (and kids) that comes and goes. Very painful.

    FWIW, both my kids have made some gains that surprised me -- developmental delays (for whatever reason) can make the future look bleak, but when maturity does finally come (in tiny bit and pieces) it can make something of a difference, anyway. Take heart, even as reality sets in.


    P.S. May I wish your son a very happy birthday!
  17. Angela41

    Angela41 New Member

    Buddy- I remember growing up with my brother (he has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)). We were 18 months and light years apart- it's painful, no denying it. Your son is so fortunate to have a mom who cares so much.
  18. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hi Buddy. I just want you to know that I read your post and I care. And I understand. {{{hugs}}}
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wow, you are all so great. I really am ok with whatever level of friends he wants to have. I get sad because he tells me he wants friends, and because he thinks people are friends who are not. But if he thinks the ones who are really just acquaintences are friends, that is great by me. He wants to drive (of course he wants to race at NASCAR) and thinks like that. He asks about"romance" and other questions. Yeah, it is really the age that hit me I think...last year I didn't feel so sad about it. I know the grief comes and goes, I guess this is just a "comes" moment.

    I actually do see he is changing and even when I hear Steely talk about how her guy is finally getting it in some ways and how others say that...even my doctors say nothing is written in stone for sure, especially when they are not through their twenties yet. They change so much during that time. I hope that is true for him. He obviously has more self control. Too bad when he doesn't show it, he is so much bigger and louder, sigh.

    My sisters all called and want to join us at the restaurant. So, here's hoping it all goes well! He was super at school today, even with the birthday excitement.

    Thank you for reminding me about progress, and for sharing the stories that encourage me. He is lucky to have so many board aunties (and a few uncles too)
  20. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Awww buddy! Happy birthday to Q!! I know all too well how you feel. For the last few years - since difficult child turned 16 his bdays have hit me hard. Another thing that really hit me hard was his high school graduation. It was bittersweet. It will stay with me for the rest of my life - my feelings of love and pride mixed in with grief and sadness that he wasn't experiencing what "normal" kids get to experience - parties and trips and excitement about the next steps in life. It's so hard but I do have faith that he's living the life he's supposed to live no matter how challenged it may be. He will grow into who he's supposed to be and hopefully things will calm down someday.

    I hope that Q has his best birthday yet and many many more to come!!! Enjoy the day and reflect on and be proud of how far you've both come!!! Hugs!!!