Blames me!!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by peg2, May 29, 2009.

  1. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Hi everyone, to make this short. Had a bad day in court. 19 year old difficult child was in court on old juvenile charges. Anyway, he was doing ok bi-polar wise, but these situations start up the manic episodes. Anyway, after badgering me in the car back and forth and me trying to talk sensibly to him, he finally said he acts that way because I put him in the behavioral hospital at age 12 for 3 months until placement was found. He claims he was just "angry" and it was normal behavior then. He was hospitilized again at 15 and went into another placement. I never 2nd guess myself and know he absolutely had to go in placement, his behavior was out of control,nothing I could handle. He really doesn't like me and that's ok, but do they ever understand? He won't get counseling or medications and he is just a mess.
    Just wondered how many of you are blamed for their hospital stays and if the guilt ever goes away. It was the most devastating thing that I ever had to go through and he doesn't see that. I am so PTSD over it and I wonder if my life will ever be the same.
    Thanks. He's still my son and I love him.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nichole blamed me for her psychiatric hospital stay after Aubrey was born. And truth be told, she had no choice, although at the time I made it appear that she did. PP depression on top of her other issues bottomed her out. She needed to be there.

    She doesn't place blame anywhere these days. It simply was something that needed to be done. Just as any other hospitalization. Took awhile for her to see it. Once she began really working her treatment program was when she could bring herself to admit it.

    It's just easier to place blame elsewhere. He will have to come to terms with his own gfgness before the light will dawn. That usually comes with a hefty dose of maturity and time.

    I've never felt a moment's guilt or doubt over Nichole's hospital stay. And you shouldn't either.

  3. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    yes I understand! My son blamed me for the doctors refusing to prescribe him the drugs he wanted because i told them he was abusing them to try and save his life!!! he blames me for having him committed about 3 times and blames me for calling his PO when I thought he was going to overdose before they could even give him a drug test!!! he blames me for everything that goes wrong. Strange. he doesnt blame his Dad as much.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Peg, you're in good company. Rob blamed me for everything until his 20's. It's par for the course with our kids.

    If your son refuses to take advantage of the help that's available (medications, therapy, etc) unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it except sit back and watch the chaos.

    My recommendation is for you to get some help with your PTSD. Do you see a therapist who can walk beside you as you go through this?

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I must be lucky. While my son is a huge difficult child he has always firmly admitted even during his worst times that we always were doing the right things for him. Now, he tells us even more that he can see we tried so hard for him. He has never blamed us at all for anything we did. He knows his problems fall squarely on him. He doesnt even blame the cops for things. Its not their fault that they bust him for doing wrong...its his fault he does wrong. He gets that. I guess we are lucky. Now if only we could manage to stop him from doing the wrong. Now the only wrong thing he does ...well major driving because there is no way he will ever drive legal in this lifetime but he has to get around. Its a no win situation. Even is PO justs shakes his head and sighs and looks the other way.
  6. maril

    maril New Member

    I, too, have felt guilty and second-guessed myself in the past for making decisions along with husband to benefit our son but have come to the conclusion that our difficult child is far better off having had treatment and support outside the home than if husband and I were to continue to try to handle everything on our own; I truly shudder to think how bad things may have become had we chosen that path.

    Surely, some of the guilt and emotions are a normal part of the process and hopefully you will be able to move past that and see the benefit of your decision to help your son.

    It took me until adulthood to see the error of my ways as a teen; luckily, I was able to apologize to and thank my parents for being there for me and also had a chance to build a better relationship with them over time. :D
  7. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    My difficult child hates us and blames us for everything. He will also use the "you are the ones who wanted me to be born. You created the problem. It's all your fault"!

    Fortunately for us, residential did help our son quite a bit. There's still many issues but he has become more independent and backs down and does the right thing more often. We are keeping our fingers crossed that he will graduate high school in less than 3 weeks.

    He's still on probation so we have them to back us up if we ever need some help. Upon the advice from residential, probation is requiring him to attend an adult intensive outpatient program for substance abuse, since in the past he had stopped his bipolar medications and started self medicating with drugs and alcohol.

    I understand the PTSD. His therapist during his last hospitalization told me I was suffering from it. I had to learn to keep my mouth shut and let him think for himself and suffer the consequences. I offer advice once and let him make his decisions. He is handling the outside world fairly well. He gives us a hassle but I now know how to try once to reason and walk away if it continues.

    In the past you helped me through my rough patch with difficult child and facing residential. I appreciate all the comfort and info you provided. I wish you and difficult child well.
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Add me to the "blamed" parade. Youngest blamed me for every single hospital stay. If it's brought up today, she still won't fully admit her own part in it, but I suspect that may come eventually. My response is/was usually, "Well, what would YOU do if your child pulled a knife and tried to cut themselves? What would YOU do if your child overdosed on tylenol/advil/lamictal/benadryl (yeah, four times, four different choices of medications)? " She never had snswers.. but it shut her up. Or at least reduced her to mumbling under her breath instead of in my face :)
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Add me... difficult child 1's attack Friday is my fault. Whatever.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911


    First of all - do you belive that you are to blame? Do you understand that the reason you are BEING blamed is because you are the only one he feels comfortable enough with TO blame? Also, that these kids rarely, if ever see themselves as the ones who SHOULD be blamed?

    Yes, therapy is a good thing for us. We learn what our kids think we should endure - does not have to be a constant battle. Some days I feel like a warrior mom, on top of the world able to solve huge problems with a single phone call. OTher days I felt like a total failure as a Mom, and the reason that my kid was so messed up; given the day was beacuse I felt it was genetic or environment. I beat myself up a lot over "should". I have learned in thearpy to eliminate the word SHOULD from my vocabulary. I did what I did at the time because I thought it was the best thing to do. I never intentionally set out to give my child BAD advice or harm him with my bad choices.

    I used to sit and feel sorry for him, for me and think to myself 'If I would have just made a better choice in my marriage to his Father I would have seen that the father is nuts.' Other days I would sit and think 'Maybe it IS me...maybe I'm bipolar, or severe adhd or something without ......a name (insert scary music) and I'm the sole reason he is like he is." and I'd sit and cry thinking that if I had gotten out of an abusive marriage earlier, or if I had never married, or the best ever misnomer- What if we could find a name for his behavior; a diagnoses would surely be the ticket. Then we could get a pill and problems would be solved. Yeah - I have a bunch of names for what my son is. None of them have a pill that cured it. I know - we tried 65 medications. Some helped his symptoms - but what helped the most was us teaching him as parents to take responsibility for his own actions, tough love, boundaries and not bending. Plus the occasional get off track and come here for advice.

    When I stopped feeling guilty about my sons behaviors- it was actually the day that I became a parent. I started doing things because they were the right thing to do, not because I needed a break or because my kid guilted me into it. I got over the shame and horror of telling all my sad little life details in therapy and started using the advice I got to be a better person. Didn't make me a bad parent to go - actually for me it made me a better parent, and person. Didn't want to admit that at the time - but had I not gone? I'd still be in the same non-boundary drawing, doormat, pushover, miserable, crying constantly, stroke-rage stress life and nothing would have changed.

    The accusations and ugliness that our kids throw at us can wear us down. It's abuse. But how you handle what comes at you, can also determine how your kids see problem solving at it's finest. Don't allow him the rights to walk all over you. Learn how to effectively communicate with him and when you fall - look to your friends for support and encouragement and balance.

    Glad to see you back - sorry it's under such circumstances.
  11. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    Can't think of anything to add to Star's beautiful message. My son occasionally starts in with me about his last placement, six wks. in a diagnostic program so he could detox and get a thorough diagnosis. "How could you send me away..." that kind of thing...occasionally he'll mention that this or that social worker thinks we overreacted. I let it roll off my back, one of the few things I am able to not second guess myself. My only regret is that I didn't insist he stay longer.

    I have a friend whose 20 yr old son still tortures her with complaints about being committed at age 13 to a psychiatric hospital when he flipped out on Prozac (psychiatrist didn't fully appreciate that he was bipolar, and he came after mom and dad with a fireplace poker). It was a traumatic event that was no one's fault, unlessyou want to blame the doctor for misdiagnosing. Problem is, she still feels guilty. I don't.

    You did the best you knew how. Just wait til these kids are parents themselves.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I felt guilty for about an hour that my genetics played a role in my sons life. I cried for that hour and then decided he had to play the hand he was dealt. I did, so does he. Its not my fault we got carppy genes. If I had known before I got pregnant maybe I would have chosen differently but I dont even know if that is true. Like Garth Brooks says...I could have missed the pain but I would have had to miss the dance.
  13. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    My difficult child still from time to time blames me for the year he spent in a anger management type day treatment program. Says all I did putting him there was make him MORE angry and out of control. He claims had I not 'done this to him' that he wouldn't have so many ongoing school problems and home problems in following years. He blames me for the 3 months theraputic foster care placement. Says that was a direct effect of having put him in the earlier stated day treatment program. He also blames me for making him "feel like a complete loser with no hope for a life" by having him attend counselling, having resource in school, having an IEP which made him "feel like a freak" etc.
    My difficult child is only 16 and has made such amazing changes past couple years. Only in extreme anger does he mention this anymore. I think its out of habit more than belief on his part. He more often than not tells me that if I'd let him continue on, no way he'd be working hard to get the right courses and proper grades to get admitted to University when he graduates high school.
    I hope your difficult child lets this all pass soon and can learn some responsability for the part they played in their own life path. (((hugs))) You're a good mom!