Bleck Bleck Bleck

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterby, Nov 19, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!


    I just feel drained and empty.

    I got a medication increase on Monday, and even though it hasn't had time to take effect, I was actually feeling pretty good today.

    Then I saw therapist. Don't get me wrong, I really like her. But, every time I've gone we've talked about my health, or the kids, or what's going on in the moment.

    Today she wanted a full history. 36 years worth. We spent the entire session dredging up things I don't want to dredge up and just don't ever think about anymore.

    By the time I left, I had a horrible headache and was so tense I was shaking. I didn't even realize I was shaking until difficult child 2 commented on it. Then I felt like I wanted to cry.

    My eye has been twitching for about a week now. It's been off and on during the day, sometimes every couple of minutes. It's been going non-stop since the appointment. Stress, ya think?


    I could really use a hug right now.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Sorry it was such a stressful appointment. I have spent most of my life suppressing memories I never want to have. I have so few memories of my childhood and first marriage. In fact anything after 5 and before 12 is pretty much gone. Then from 18 to 22 is a blur as well. People will say something about something that happens and i have no recollection at all.
    I will NOT revisit those years. Too afraid of what I've forgotten. It's hard enough to deal with the day to day.
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member


    I have been known to tell people I cannot talk about something. Never had to do that with psychiatrist or therapist. If psychiatrist (I saw him today) had asked for details surrounding husband's hospitalization, I might have said that. Might have told him to call therapist and get it from her.

    I hope your medication increase helps soon. Try to do something for you. My therapist told me to whatever I found self soothing??? I had seriously never heard that term before. It stumped me for awhile. Try that, if you can figure it out easier than I.
  4. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    EW - Thank you for the hugs. There are large chunks missing from my childhood and other time periods, as well. And I'm ok not knowing what they were.

    CM - Thank you for the hugs. I'm so glad you got into to see a psychiatrist. How did it go? My self-soothing is music - some songs I play over and over again. difficult child is in bed, easy child and DF are in their room, and difficult child 2 is watching tv in the living room. So, right now I have my music playing and am just going to veg out in front of the computer until the klonopin kicks in and I can go to bed. I was going to read, but I don't have the capacity to at the moment.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs. Lots of them.
  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Thank you, M. That means a lot. :)
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am sorry that going through things is so hard.

    I hate that you have needed to block out large parts of your life.

    Pamper yourself like I would pamper you. Lavishly and gently, to wrap you in a snuggly warm cocoon where you can heal a bit.

    feel the warmth of our hugs and drift off to sleep knowing that we are here for you.
  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    You're going to make me cry, Susie. *sniff*

    Thank you.

    The cats will cocoon me in bed. They always do and I never mind. It's comforting.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Urgghhh....I hate that part of therapy. I always wish that they would book more than the small amount of time when they want to go over that kiind of stuff- and prepare me ahead of time so I know not to plan anything important for after the session.

    I hope you are feeling better soon.
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I know what you mean, K. I certainly wasn't expecting to do this today. Fortunately, it was a 6pm appointment and I had nothing going on after. And even better, difficult child has been on a pretty even keel the last two days. I don't think I could have handled difficult child's antics tonight.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending the most gentle of hugs your way a long with some chocolate!
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Nothing but hugs and understanding. (((((((((((heather))))))))))
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Sometimes there are reasons we shut things away. You know yourself the best.
    You have more than most people could ever handle going on your life right now. You don't need to dredge up any of this on top of it.

    Take care of yourself and try not to let it invade you mind too much.

    I know it is hard but try to pamper your self a tiny bit. Crank up the music!
  14. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Thank you, ladies. :flowers:

    I am so thankful for each and every one of you. You lift me up when I need it.

    T - I kinda think I do need to dredge it up. I don't know. At least to some extent. So, I can put it to rest. I also wonder how much of this is playing into my physical health. Leave stuff buried long enough and it has to come out somewhere.....

    Even with the klonopin, I didn't get to sleep until after 3:30am. I got up at 7am to get difficult child 2 up, was up for a couple of hours and then slept until 5:30pm. :surprise: But, I feel better....calmer.
  15. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sending hugs