Blossoming Sexuality in (barely) tweens

[ML]

I'm sorry that I've been absent for a couple of weeks. It's just been crazy busy and I have had precious little time. I promise to try and catch up with everyone this weekend.

My son just turned 10 about a week ago. He has always had mostly girl friends as opposed to boy friends. For some reason he's just gravitated towards them socially, having more in common with them in many ways.

Well one of his girl friends that he has known since kindergarten (they are now in 4th grade) and he have been spending more time together lately. Also, earlier this year a girl in his classs told him she "like liked" him and so they are officially "going out" despite the fact they have never even played together outside of school. Well this other girl friend "R" and he had a coversation in the backseat of my car about whether they wanted to go out and be boyfriend/girlfriend. They agreed, and said they wouldn't tell "F". Manster even said "I don't want to break up with her, I want to "date" you both. They hugged and he kissed. Also at his birthday party I sat behind them at the movies and he put his arm around her.

My gosh they are in 4th grade! Is this common? I am completely shocked by this. I'm afraid to overreact and create a paranoia here and make it worse.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

I'm so not ready for this. They are waayy too young.

 

[susiestar]

I am here with support. My kids have not done this that early. Heck, thank you and Jess think the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing is just "stupid" and that until at the "earliest" dating should be in "late" high school. Neither is in high school, so I haven't pushed teh meaning of "late".

I am sorry. BUT you now have the chance to encourage/insist on honesty and integrity - like insisting on mediating a discussion with Manster and "F" about his dating both of them. Otherwise things are going to get real ugly, real quick, esp between the 2 girls. If you know the girls' parents, and Manster will NOT talk iwth F, then you should give the parents a heads up.

It is good that you SEE him with the girls, because you can INSIST on the values you think are important. Even set limits on if he can kiss (esp around you), etc... if you think he is too young.

Chances are F and new girlfriend are going to fight.

 

[smallworld]

I've gone through 4th grade 3 times with my kids (youngest is in 5th grade this year), and I haven't seen this behavior this young, but my kids tend to be on the socially immature side. Just to be on the safe side, I'd recommend running this by psychiatrist and therapist to see what they think. In any event, you should get some professional advice about how to handle it appropriately with your son.

 

[Kjs]

difficult child has always had more girl friends than boy friends. In elementary school they were "going out" but in reality just talked on the phone.

Middle school (6th grade) to my knowledge is when he first kissed someone. Now, picture this...the teacher told me he was late for class, he and a girl were in the stair well kissing. She is about a foot taller so he stood on the step.

For us it seems to go in stages. At times he has a ton of girl friends and hangs out with them. Then he will have a ton of boy friends and hang out with them. Last year he actually had a real girlfriend. Spent all his time with her and nobody else. She became very jealous of him talking to others and things came to an end. We spent the summer listening to the two of them fight. She also would call all his friends and say nasty things about him. To the point that we finally said we would go to her house, sit down and discuss this. It was out of hand.

Hopefully girlfriend #1 doesn't get angry and say mean things if she finds out about girlfriend #2.

difficult child tells me about some of the girls, how they sleep with everyone!!!! Don't know if I believe him or them, but he does.

Hope things settle down. That is awfully young.

 

[bran155]

My nephew had a girlfriend in the 5th grade. When I say "girlfriend" I mean girlfriend. She was at our house every single day after school, had dinner with us every night and went with us where ever we went. They held hands and he always had his arm around her. They kissed on the lips. (closed mouth). Truthfully, it was adorable!!! My sister has a very open relationship with my nephew, he tells her EVERYTHING!!! They talk about everything. To our knowledge he has never actually "made out" with anyone. Only peck kisses. The relationship lasted about a year and when she broke up with him he was devastated.

He had other girlfriends in grammer school but not like this one. Much like your son, they only saw each other in school. I think the reason the other girl and him got so close was because her mother didn't care too much, she let her do whatever she wanted. She was allowed to stay out until whenever, never called her when she was over here, the girl had way too much freedom to be so young. My sister is strict with my nephew, he's not really allowed to wonder off, thats why she was always with us.

I think what your son is doing is completely normal. I wouldn't worry too much about it. As long as the "couple" is being supervised they should be just fine.

Scary huh? Kids today grow up way too fast.

 

[meowbunny]

I do remember it being pretty common in my daughter's school that 4th and 5th graders would hold hands and walk around the perimeter of the playground at recess. Definitely was a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.

However, I'd be having a serious talk with your son about his treatment of both girls. No matter how cute and innocent this is, he is cheating on one girl and he needs to see how wrong and hurtful that is. He also needs to understand that he is shortchanging himself and the present girlfriend by having to sneak.

 

[janebrain]

When difficult child 1 was in 5th grade a boy liked her and his dad brought him over so he could give her a flower after she had been hospitalized for surgery. They went to some play gym type thing together--the dad brought them. But I think difficult child didn't really like him, just didn't know how to say no. The weird thing to me was that the mom and I talked on the phone and she made it seem like this was a serious relationship, that we would be seeing lots of each other since our kids were "going out." They were only in 5th grade, for crying out loud! It didn't last long.

I remember it seemed like kids were "going out" in elementary and middle school but going on seemed to mean they said hi to each other in the hall--no one actually went out anywhere!

Jane

 

[BusynMember]

I would discourage it. My own kids did not do that at his age. My youngest is 12 and has had a "boyfriend" but they did not kiss and she pretty much said she's not ready for that, even though I wouldn't have been shocked at her age (she was actually 11 when this went on. He was a year younger than her). They just saw each other when they went skating, didn't even sit on the same side of the food tables the few times I walked into the skating ring. And they talked a lot on the phone. in my opinion it's just better to start that older. I have no idea if it's common for other people's kids to do that stuff in fourth grade, but mine all still covered their faces when they saw people kiss at that age...lol.

 

[klmno]

My son is 13yo. I still don't let him officially date (date in my definition). Which means, if he wants to call someone a girlfriend, i have no problem. I don't mind if they talk on the phone, do things in a group or hang out at school, but I would not allow "alone time" or take them somewhere where it is only the two of them. He doesn't currently have this situation, but 18 mos ago, there was a 10yo girl who was chasing him. He ate up the attention and was more than a little flattered so she didn't have to chase him much. I had the ssame expectations then as I do now- but she seemed to want a lot more and she obviously knew a lot more and had more experience with things than he did. I had to put a stop to it. I was not comfortable with the idea of my 12yo doing anything physical- especially with a 10yo- and I was bothered by her wanting to do these things at 10yo and seemingly alreaady having experience. My concern is if they are kissing at 10, what will they be doing at 12? They age of consent here is 13yo. Now, if my son did get a girlfriend at 13 (who was his age) and they spent some time getting to know each other and talking a lot and visiting each other at home while supervised, I would be ok with it if they held hands and had a small kiss now and then. But, I'm not going to be comfortable with him actually dating (by my definition) for quite some time. I just want to keep this process moving as slow as I can!!