Hi everyone haven't written in a while, but you have all been in my prayers. I'm going to write this morning as if this is going into an abyss and no one will read it, that way I can be honest with myself. You all seem so strong, I wonder when I will get to that point? I wonder when the everyday tasks I must proform will not be clouded with a sadness so profound that it's difficult to get out of bed and I will not be counting the hours untill I can sleep again. I miss my son, after all he has done, I still miss him so badly it takes my breath away. He has refused to pay the student loan, so I gave the loan people his address and phone number over there at church families house. He's so angry that I did this he won't speak to me at all now. Where is my anger?? Every time I start to get angry I think of this boys eyes, so full of sadness and devoid of all light...the walking dead it seemed. How could I have reached him? How could I have gotten through to him??I am consumed with how I could have done things diffrently, they play out in my head all day long. I have failed at the only thing that mattered. I yelled too much, said some horrible things, was too controlling, exspected so much from him.I had orchastrated his whole life and now it is so hard to let go and watch as he falls. Now Christmas is upon us, what do I do? Hang his stocking and put up the tree as usual?? What do I buy him that this church family will not take away from him?? WAS IT SO BAD HERE THAT HE PREFERS TO LIVE THERE?? He sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag in their basement.... I keep waking every morning thinking it will get better, but it never does.