boarding home/foster home ???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Aug 9, 2013.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    What can a parent do when living with your difficult child has deteriorated to the point that she doesn't want to be here and the feeling is mutual? She hasn't gotten physically abusive but is verbally and emotionally abusive to us and her younger sister. I looked up boarding homes/schools and we can not afford them. The cheapest I found was $1,500 a month. That is over half our income. We have BCBS but I don't think getting insurance to pay for respite or theraputic Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is an option. The neuropsychologist did not come up with any concrete diagnosis except that she is extremely difficult to deal with. But found no brain abnomalities. And... maybe she would outgrow it by age 23. I can't wait that long!

    She lies, sneaks out, hangs with the wrong kids, and sees nothing wrong with it. She is defiant and won't accept responsibility for her actions and defies us. I really have no options for sending her to other relatives. My son (her biodad) is doing pretty good now, (she was removed from mom/dad at age 5 and we adopted at age 7) but he only has a one bedroom house and works long hours so there would be even less supervision if we even considered that. Not sure what the courts would think since they removed the kids from her parents to begin with. Biomom is out of the picture.

    Where does one go for help? She doesn't like the therapist we have seen for the last year, she won't talk to the therapist we had before her, as he attends our church. I can't have a conversation with difficult child with out her getting all defensive and telling me to just back off and let her do what she wants. Not going to happen. husband removed her bedroom door last night because of the slamming... it had been off for a while because the wooden frame was splitting from all the slamming. He had reinforced it with more wood and screws and had it back up for a while and she slammed it multiple times last night. I think she snuck downstairs last night to call her boyfriend as it started raining and husband went upstairs to close windows and she wasn't in her bed at 3am. On his way down the stairs, whe was coming up and pretending that she had fallen asleep on the couch. She was in bed at 1130pm last night so I really don't believe her story. I guess we will have to take the phone cord off when we go to bed and then keep the cordless one in our bedroom. She had started hiding the cordless one in her room... husband found it once inside a pillow case with two more pillows piled on top of it.

    Just so tired of all this koi. School starts in a week... and then she will be back in with the "misfits" she calls friends. IF the school lets them back in after being expelled last spring...

    Little sis isn't dealing with the stress too well either. I know it is hard for us adults and she is a sensitive child. She tries to be the peacemaker but gets the brunt of her sisters anger lots of time.

    Anyway... any ideas??? KSM
    ps - the bio at the bottom is outdated and the times I tried it wouldn't update. difficult child is now 15yrs old. daughter#2 is 13.
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2013
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're in a tough spot. Jody here on this board has worked out a way for her daughter to be placed elsewhere, you might PM her, I have no real information about that, only what I've recently read.

    The following sites might be worth exploring. They are low cost therapeutic boarding schools some run by mostly donations. If you call them and start researching, you may find something along the way that works for you and your budget.

    Good luck!
    CalFarley has a referral specialist to assist you if they are not the appropriate fit. That may be worth exploring as well.
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2013
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't know your system. HERE... an "impossible to parent child" can be placed in foster care, especially if both the current caregivers and the child want it that way. Some systems allow you to still be "involved" - veto on some decisions, for example. Others require you to "abandon" the child to the system.
  4. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    ksm, I'm so sorry it's gotten to this point with your difficult child - I've been wondering how things were going with you since I have a difficult child girl that age with very similar issues. The TBS that my difficult child is now attending is NOT cheap at all, fortunately my inlaws are able and willing to pay for it or else we'd be up a creek at this point. I hope the links in the earlier post can help you, because I can imagine the hell you're living right now. My difficult child at least was very limited by her social issues and the lack of proximity of people to sneak out too, but she sure did make living with her unbelievably stressful nonetheless. It was awful.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would consider foster care if that's your only option. But understand you will probably have to pay something to your state for child support. At least you will have peace. If she can't live with you, she can't live with you. If you can't afford one of those expensive boarding school, foster care becomes a better option.

    Hugs and keep us updated.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the links... I have checked them out and Heartlight is terribly expensive... Like over $5000 a month plus non refundable application fees. One of the other two places wanted 500 to 1000 "donations" per month from the family. Which, is a lot more reasonable.

    Foster care would be more financially reasonable. I am willing to pay my "fair share" I guess they would probably base the cost on our income which would be fair. I have no clue what to expect in the way of costs.

    Today, difficult child is being calm... hasn't exploded... and helped me and little sis fold, staple and box up brochures for the Red Cross to hand out to all the people who are dealing with flooding in our surrounding communities. Crossing my fingers. KSM
  7. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    In NJ, we have Performcare. I don't remember what it's called in other states, but you can probably find out from your local ER or mental health services. They provide a multitude of different services, such as a family support organization, crisis intervention, emergency psychiatric evaluations, etc. I haven't been on the boards in quite a while, so I don't know your history, but I'm posting this for others as well. I didn't know these services were offered until my difficult child hurled herself onto my son and hurt him. They provided some in-home services and an after-school behavioral therapy program for my difficult child. Believe me, it didn't solve everything, but did ease some of it.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    A little over a week ago I did talk to a mental health emergency crisis team member... and most the things they had to offer were not covered by regular insurance. I would need difficult child to have a case manager to qualify for what they had to offer. And I guess there are certain criteria to need a case manager. I am not sure we would qualify... as she hasn't tried to hurt herself or others... I will keep asking though. thanks. KSM
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No advice to offer but wanted to send some gentle hugs your way. I'm sorry things are so hard right now.
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It's always difficult to get help for a ticking time bomb. Once they blow... there's "help", but by then the help is often too late. Trying to get proactive help is... well, I guess lots of us on this board have been there.