bond hearing Friday!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, May 20, 2008.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    MY sons bond hearing will be on Friday morning. My husband will be going - I will not. He is going to say the truth and that he needs to stay where he is - my husband seems to really want to handle this on his own which has not always been the case - I have always been the one to be at the court hearings, etc. - this time I wont interfere - please pray for my husband to have strength and wisdom to say the right things - I told him not to bring him back home - the bondsman said he was better off where he was - also the bondsman said we owed him $450.00!!!! something about insurance - oh my goodness - we really got taken on this one! I dont know what this will hold for anyone - mygfg wrote us a letter one for his Dad and one for me - I cant even read it - I know my husband probably didnt read his - my difficult child rarely wrote to his Dad - always to me - I cant bring myself to read what I have already read million times in 8 years again and again - i will hang in - thanks for your comments - if I have frustrated someone you dont have to reply - i will put a smiley face on this one for good luck!
  2. MyFriendKita

    MyFriendKita Member

    Please don't apologize. I hope the hearing goes well and your son finally changes the path he's on, even if it has to be forced on him. I know others have said it, but you are doing the right thing. My cousin died last year from a drug overdose (he was 25), so if this stops your son from ending up the way my cousin did, it's worth it. But I know how hard it is on you and your family. You're doing a good job staying strong, though!
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I know it's hard for both you and husband to stay firm and strong on this. I'll be saying a prayer for husband that he can do what needs to be done tomorrow.

    Maybe the 450.00 will be worth it if it prevents you from being lulled in by him again. Remind yourself he can get clean, but it has to be because he wants it bad enough to do the work.

    I also think it was a very good idea not to read the letter. If it were me, mine would've went straight into the trash so I wouldn't be tempted.

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I will keep you in my prayers. This is so hard, and hopefully husband will be able to stay strong and do as you plan. Not reading the letter seems like a good strategy, I think I will have to use that with my gfgbro's letters!


  5. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    :warrior:It's not called "Tough Love" by mistake!

    Do you have a backup plan in case husband does bring difficult child home?? I mean a backup plan for YOU, what will you do? Hopefully it won't come to that, but I thought I'd bring it up for you to think about.

    I hear you on the not reading his letters!

  6. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Pony is right, Stands.

    We should always have a backup plan. Or even, just the beginning understanding that it may not be over, yet.

    As always, wishing you and husband well as you go through this.

    It will help you to remember that you did everything you could do for your son. The things that are happening to him now are the consequences of his choices. If there were no consequence for him now, he would have continued on the path he was on. There is no right or easy answer, and there is no way to face what is happening to all of you now with grace or courage ~ but you can get through it, you CAN do this.

    Hold tight to the moment you are in.

    I think that might help.

  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I pray for strength for you ... hang tough ...
  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Sending prayers and strength that your husband stays firm.
    You are right not to read the letter.

    As CrazyinVA said, hang tough.

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well I'm going to chime in a little cynical sounding here -

    But NOTHING said TOUGH to me like taking $750 plus out of my bank account for past due fines, and putting my house up for collateral on a bond - ONLY to be treated less than I deserved. If I had money it wouldn't have been such a crushing blow - but we don't have it, difficult child knew that and didn't care how he behaved after we got him out.

    Stands if I were you - I'd put that unopened letter in an envelope and mail it back to him. I did that with one of Dudes letters. Yes he was angry, no I did not worry about it.

    How are your other kids taking this? I ask because we "adopted" one of Dude's friends years ago and he is in Department of Juvenile Justice currently, but writes me and tells me that he is SO sorry for what Dude is putting me through, and that it makes HIM very angry. I never thought about how the other kids can be affected by difficult child siblings. He even apologized for me having to write him in jail.
    Did your 17 yo get to go to prom or is graduating? How is your daughter? I'm sure this isn't easy for any of you.

    If you are ABLE to walk away from this difficult child situation? Consider yourself very lucky it has only cost you $450. You absolutely know I keep you all in my prayers.

  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    True - yes my easy child son is doing great - will graduate next year and plans to go to college!!!! Boy will I miss him. My daughter and I have been exercising together and she seems to be doing great - looks good and seems happy - my difficult child called me last night!! I almost threw up - I dont know why - I will have a back up plan - if my husband brings him home - I will leave! I dont think he will. He is not as warm nor fuzzy as me at times - it was very unlike him to bring him home at all - it is just nerve wracking. thanks
  11. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Thinking of you this morning and hoping you find peace with your situation.......
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Keeping a positive thought and crossed fingers~
  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking of you in this corner as well.. fill us in when you can...
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Your easy child son will need a lot of help with college applications and applications for financial aid and scholarships. The competition is fierce and most kids who are able to get into good colleges with good funding these days start looking and applying during their Junior year of high school.

    Maybe you and he could go to talk to his guidance counselor about what you can do over the summer to make sure that this happens for him. It's kind of late to start, but maybe he/she won't mind. This is a good opportunity for you to help your younger son, and to not be so involved in your difficult child's life.
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    True and thanks Witzend. I was thinking of that the other day. Yes - my difficult child is still in jail - my husband said we tried to help him but we couldnt keep up with him and he wasnt following our rules - the judge granted that he stay in jail and that was that - It was kinda bittersweet but I was relieved that he would not be coming home to repeat the same behavior - I will continue to pursue my younger sons applications for college
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You and your husband are making the right choice. It will help you all feel better, and will set a nice example of "do to get" for difficult child.
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks I was just sitting here thinking about that. You know I hear so much stuff good and bad about tough love. I always wonder if we have been too tough or not enough - my difficult child just found a phone and called - he asked me to send his next paycheck he was going to try and bond himself out and go to the salvation army - i dont even believe him -
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    If that's what he wants to do, let him. It's his paycheck and his life. He has to get them to allow bond, first. Otherwise he can put it on his jail account.
  19. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Glad to hear this outcome, Stands. Good he stays in jail. Send him his paycheck, let him try to bond out. Salvation Army is a good option for him.

    I think it's completely normal to wonder about Tough Love. I went thru the same thing, was I too tough? Was I not tough enough? Did I start too late? I will never know. I try to let that go, but it is hard.

    Stay strong! If he can't bond himself out, as Witz said he needs approval first, you might want to think about not answering his calls for a little while.

  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    True and thanks - some peace has been found! I dont have to worry about where he is - the place he went the bondsman told my husband there were about 5 guys in that apartment all stoned or pilled up - also there is a cop across the street that is watching the place - my neighbor has a difficult child that just got back from a mental hospital for trying to hit his Dad when his dad told him he wasnt going out to try and find drugs - they called the police and gave him a choice of jail or hospital - he is back home now - my difficult child hung around with this kid too - I believe my difficult child could have gotten himself into a lot more trouble than he could have gotten out of - we will see