Bonding out - scary

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Apr 3, 2008.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well friends I will try not to frustrate anyone! My son will be bonded out next tuesday. Please pray for us and him. He will go straight to a long term rehab not far from where we live. He will not come home. My husband and I will not be there to take him - just the ministry man. Please pray this is the best thing to do at this time. He did not get drug court. He would probably sit in there for who knows how long. He says he is ready. I hope he is - if not - the consequences will set in. Pray for me to keep holding on.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I hope he is ready to face the steps he needs to stay clean. Being a recovering addict is not easy---especially if you are young and don't see the need to be clean. I hope he stays long enough to get the help he needs. Do not let him come home after rehab. Stress that he needs to find a sober living house and make it on his own with emotional support and love from you from a distance. We need to love our sons enough to let them be the men they are supposed to be!
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Dare I ask who bonded him out? Do you feel he will really work the program or is this just a way to get out of jail? I'm glad you're not taking him. Let him get the message this is his responsibility to fail or succeed as he chooses.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Good question, Meowbunny. I'm wondering if I should brace myself for the answer?

    Susan, you are asking for prayers but what are you doing for you to be strong? This isn't something that you can sit back and "hope" will come and it isn't anything we can hope for you. Are you seeing a therapist for these issues? Are you reading books on detachment? What action steps are you taking?

  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Well Susan, as I read on another thread, it is you guys bailing your son out. On one hand I can't believe what I am reading, and on another hand, I am not surprised.

    Do you think, in your heart of hearts, that this is the best thing to do? Because if you don't (and you know your son better than we do), then all the praying in the world is not going to change the inevitable. There is a difference between praying for God's will to happen, and doing what WE want to do and then praying that it works after the fact.

    Do you have assurance that he will be there for a set amount of time? What is aftercare like? Has it been made crystal clear to him that under NO circumstances will he be allowed home, even after rehab? Understand this, he may get through rehab with flying colors. But the second he gets a taste of freedom, he may revert back to his old ways. You do not need that in your home.

    Is this a done deal? I mean, has the money been paid yet? Or can you guys back out at any time? I would think this through. As my sponsor always tells me, play the tape through all the way to the end.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I am biting my tongue.

  7. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    :warrior:C'mon ladies!!! Let's look at the positive side here: difficult child is NOT coming home. difficult child will go to Long-Term Treatment program. Stands is NOT providing the transportation.

    I take this as a last-ditch attempt at getting difficult child the help he needs. If he rejects it, so be it, but then Stands may truly be able to say, I did all I could.

    I know it looks like a step backward, the bailing out, but it may just be the way towards true detachment.

    Stands, you have my most heartfelt good thoughts. Beads rattling that you really can stay out of difficult child's treatment program. It will be interesting to watch how he reacts to the program.

  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Pony, I'd feel better about it if I were convinced Stand's son had asked for help to quit using, not just to get out of jail. Since I'm not convinced he wants to quit, I think bailing him out for any reason is wrong, at least at this time.
  9. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Hoping he was in jail long enough to understand that if HE doesn't make rehab work this will be his life.......
    I can understand you bailing him out to rehab, it's hard to give up ANY hope of change and a chance to prove that your son can be a productive person in society......only time will tell if this is the correct decision.......please make it very clear coming home at ANY point is not an option.....good luck with your son and still hoping he can make changes to be worthy of your trust in bailing him out.......
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member



  11. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Hard decision to make as a parent. But, he's been incarcerated for awhile...hopefully clean now, and is not going into an evironment where the temptations are too much.

    I know when J was let out of prison/jail/whatever, he always just went right back to the streets and drugs. We were out of money for rehabs, etc., and the state didn't pay for them. He was almost set up for failure.

    Sounds like this guy might have a chance. Fingers crossed.

  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Unless you have truly been in the situation of another, with personal experience in dealing with an adult addict who is your offspring...

    unless you have been thru watching your offspring go to prison, and have seen the hopelessness, the futility, the lack of cannot possibly know what to advise.

    Many here have seen their children go to prison since they were juveniles, they have tried in and out patient rehabs, they have made them face consequences, they have shut them out and turned them off in an effort to maintain peace. They have gone to prison to visit their son or daughter who has been abused by other inmates, tortured by some CO's (not all), they have seen their child starve in prison, sit in cells 23 hrs a day, in stacked animal tiers like on TV, mixed all together, no matter the crime. some have seen and heard of their son (like MINE) who was berated while in prison for wearing a Christian medal...made to stay 2 days on a metal shelf in a "hot room"-wherein the floor is heated and you have no choice but to lay down til you are sore and stiff. Put in there by a guard (CO) who supports the Aryan nation, until a kind CO (correctional officer) noticed him and let him out. In many prisons gangs rule the prisons...again..not all but MOST. even as we are here, the California prisons are all on lockdown because of a gang stabbing of three COs ( who survived). Our young adults do not need that and neither do the correctional officers, but my own son saw a man die in front of him last month. yes, I read it in the newspaper after my son had called upset that he had seen this. the parents of those in CA prisons are highly disturbed that now their sons and daughters will be locked down in cells with no visits no calls and more worry for at least this weekend.

    some have had their kids stabbed in prison, beaten unconscious, raped, robbed, and going half nuts waiting for some "court ordered drug and alcohol program" to start...months of waiting because there are busloads of men delivered each day to prisons...all the prisons in the country are overloaded with men and women.

    prison is not the answer for substance abuse situations. It can help protect the population in cases of dangerous prisoners, and those who would harm others without conscience.

    there are men and women in prison getting life with out parole sentences, at young ages, to rot in there- for nonviolent crimes. yes they can get jobs that pay pennies per hour to go towards your fines, they get institutionalized, they go into animal survival mode. You want some stories from other moms and dads?? I can direct you there. Some have very mentally ill kids who get much worse while in prison.

    BUT for young people who have trouble rebounding from substance abuse, or who have mental health issues prison is not the answer-it makes them worse.

    ~~~SO I have told Stands myself that I would not bail Tony out again, fearing I would lose my bail money, but if she and her husband can afford it and want to make this effort for their son the least anyone here can say:
    GO with my blessings, God speed!
    It may not be what you would decide, but after cautioning her about possible bad outcomes, she deserves some support...AND if her choice fails she will need some hugs and will have learned something from it. She knows dang well he may and problem will relapse, but she and her husband have chosen this path. AND when he and if he does go back to jail or prison...he will still be her son. there comes a time when you cant rescue them if you try...they get sent to prison... some for life...and there is no way on earth you can enable there. still, mothers and fathers do what they can to support and love their kids even in that worst case scenario. they send letters, photos, they visit and they continue to be a parent. you can divorce a spouse but a good parent knows they are in this being a parent for life. you just adapt your parenting.

    I have spent the last 6 months learning about prison from those who truly know what can happen there. My son has been blessed and protected by God even thru his hardest time. There are nice kind COs but he has been in 3 prisons in 6 months and 4 county jails in his life...all with gangs, all not enough food, all with long empty hours and few with programs that are open or make a difference.

    I do not have the answer as to what works for substance abuse...other than when the addict or alcoholic is ready to change they will. If you have the answer to what truly works, be a pro and share it with those of us still learning to detach with love from their substance abuse and alcoholism. you could make a fortune by sharing that knowledge.

    Unless you are a psychologist, a professional, a rehab specialist, or you have had to face this very same situation, with grown children going to prison-perhaps for the umpteenth time...knowing the first several times did not help.. perhaps biting your tongue ~would ~be the correct response.

    "Parent emeritus" ??? I think not.
    Emeritus is an adjective that is used in the title of a retired professor, bishop or other professional. The term is used when a person of importance in a given profession retires, so that his or her former rank can still be used in his or her title.

    I do not agree with using the word Parent along with Emeritus.
    A true parent never retires, and is never a professional but always learning til the day we die.
  13. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I agree with Ponygirl. Also, it sounds like Stands' husband was the one to decide to bond him out and she may need to let him give it one more try as well. Hoping that it works out and that if it doesn't Stands will feel she truly has done all she can and will be at peace with herself.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Had to laugh at your first sentence - "trying not to frustrate anyone". Hon - it's not anyone here that is going to be frustrated like you will.
    In knowing the history behind this situation, some will not support your decision, but can support you as a Mother of a son with problems.

    Historically you have told us he takes advantage of you. Susan - in your heart if you can live with the decision you made to bond him out, and send him to rehab? Then it is on you. There is a lot of work in finding balance in our parental hearts vs. our parental brains. But in the end you have to make a decision that YOU can sleep with at nights.

    So on the up side let's say with your son out of jail he goes to rehab and does well . Isn't this what anyone would wish? You would be happy with the knowledge that you took a chance, your choice panned out, your son wants to be clean and sober, and it turned out to be better than leaving him in jail. Who among us wouldn't wish that for anyone?

    On the down side -there is history and knowledge. Let's say you bailed him out, he goes to rehab, things don't go as you hoped and he ends up back in jail. What's the worst part about that scenario? Some may say you knew better and you knew what would happen, and it did. Others would say I told you so, nothing has changed. I disagree, but will explain. I think what would change is you. Simply put you did what you did because you had to live with yourself and sleep at night. So ask yourself "Is this the last time I rescue my son?" If the answer is yes. Then should the outcome be unpleasant - you make a committment to yourself to detach. You tell yourself Susan - I'm going to allow you to do offer this one last chance to your son and then THAT has to be it! No more after this. After this - I live my life, continue to love my son, but I will detach.

    The frustrating part for parents lies in the heart. The frustrating part for friends lies in the heart also. However - that being said of you or anyone else - We are here, we do care, we WILL support you; but considering all that you have been through for your son, and how he has made you feel, my best wish for you dear friend is that I hope rehab works. I pray it does. But should it not? I also pray that this will allow you to find the end of your rope so you can't be hurt by your son's behaviors any longer and will start the process of detachment. Keep in mind - detaching does not mean you don't love your son. It means you love him enough to allow what is going to happen to happen and let go - and Let God.

    I don't know what more I could wish for you. My prayers are with you.


  15. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I do not have the answer as to what works for substance abuse...other than when the addict or alcoholic is ready to change they will.

    Couldn't be more perfectly said.

    Wish you luck in this hard road.

  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well then........

    I'm raising my glass of the spirit of the board and sisterhood of the traveling exaspiration that this will be the success you believe it will be.

    I'm just going to think positively for your son, I saw this and thought I would share....kinda profound - and similar to what others who have kids in jail have told me to do.

    If you worry; pray. If you prayed; don't worry.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I know this must be so terribly hard for you. I do not have this particular set of problems with any of my kids at this time.

    It may be hard for you to come here, esp with some of what has been posted and the feeling that some here may be frustrated with you. Please don't think we don't care. We do.

    My hope for you is that no matter how this works out you can have some peace. If rehab works now, that will be wonderful. If it doesn't, you are STILL difficult child's mom. Loving a difficult child is probably one of the hardest, most thankless jobs that could ever exist. I do hope you learn to parent with-o the guilt and fear of co-dependence. Even if you don't, I will be here to listen and I will care.

    Having a child in prison (or jail - not sure I understand the difference. Both seem horrible) and knowing that child is not safe, fed, etc... is the worst torture that the parent of a living child can know, in my opinion.

    Please do what YOU and your husband feel is right for your family. It does not matter if it is what is right for me, or my family, or anyone else's family.

    It IS major progress that you told difficult child he would not be coming home. That alone is such a big step. You WILL make other steps. They will come when you are ready, not when anyone else is ready.

    You have my support and my prayers and my hopes for the future God intends you to have.

    Hugs and love,

  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Oh thank you so much susiestar!! You have made me feel so much better. yes we will not let him come home and yes we think it is the best decision. Please help me to stay strong even if it doesnt pan out. I have been reading detachment books, etc. I have come a long way and detachment doesnt seem as hard as it did. Thanks so much for YOUR support. I need it.
  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks to all that have given me hope. I know it seems crazy but I actually am hoping that it works. He will be on his own. this is totally different than any other time we have sent or put him in rehab. We took him, we arranged it, this time he said he wanted to go - whether he really means it or not - I dont know - we are giving him an opportunity that he may not have if he sits in there another 6 months - just keep praying for us - i appreciate your comments
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Know what Susan, I hope it works too. I really do. And I do pray for you and your boy every day.

    I guess I play devil's advocate a bit. While I never had a kid in jail, I *DO* know what it is like to be an addict, so I am not just blowing smoke. I may not be a parent emetrius, but I am recovering addict. I certainly hope that experience is good enough for me to be able to share my~opinion~with you.