HeadlightsMom
Well-Known Member
Just venting....and so very thankful to have this forum in which to do it.
Last weekend my husband and I went on a biking trip to Canada with a group of friends. Spectacular mountain scenery, fantastic long-time friends, and a very carefree weekend. Good livin'!
We came home to multiple, frequent "hang-up" calls (rather than voicemails) on our home phone from numbers we didn't recognize. Well, we all know who that was. When our difficult child calls often, he's desperate. When he leaves no message, he's wanting to get us "live" on the phone to begin manipulation attempts (he's a master). We did not call any of those numbers back and we are actively screening calls (which we usually do, anyway, because of difficult child). difficult child is currently AWOL from Facebook, jail and anyone we know. Never a good sign.
The last 2 days several people ask how difficult child is. We've now narrowed our response to a simple, "Same-same." Close friends/family know what that means. However, the last couple of days several close people are suddenly telling us, "Oh, he'll come around. Just wait, he'll change." Uh hunh. Well, sure.....we hope. But, ahem.....reality....
The Tug Of War inside is that OF COURSE we love him and hope he changes! OF COURSE! But, as you all know, too many crimes, lies, manipulations, police calls, etc take their toll.
Detaching feels like ripping a bandaid off of a DEEP wound on an arm quickly. OUCH! But then, after a while, a scab forms and we're able to use our arm again with minimal problem. But even though "mostly" detached, it doesn't take much for a heartstring to be pulled. Damn.
We are resolved to keep our boundaries in actions (and we do), but boundaries are tougher to keep on a calm, even keel. As time goes by and we let our difficult child (and God) carry his own burden, it's easier on my heart............MOST of the time.
However.... difficult child's must come with stickum on 'em because they still pull at our hearts sometimes. I don't know about you all, but.......I am not build to LOVE and then UN-LOVE -- anyone, anywhere, any time. It's just not how I'm built.
My head knows all about love with wisdom and healthy detachment. My heart usually follows along quite willingly. But every once in a while a stray, frayed heartstring is pulled. Today was such a day.
Not acting on it. But am definitely feeling it in my heart.
Lastly, our difficult child gave us a phenomenal grandson (now almost 4 yrs old)! We spend much time with this beautiful, smart, funny, engaging boy! We were recently at a pool party playing with him, laughing, having all the beautiful times grandparents dream of. IT....IS.....AWESOME! Sometimes our grandson looks so much like difficult child and I miss when difficult child had a sweet side in his early youth. I miss his smile, his tears, his humor, his "reachable" moments. Now he rarely has any of those. I've heard others mention the "flat/blunted affect" look on their faces -- a horrible look. Honestly? Creepy. That's mostly what I see these days. I miss faces of innocence (at least greater innocence than nowadays). Heartstring....
I keep looking at our beautiful grandson and praying he will not follow in his birth father's (our difficult child's) footsteps. He's being raised by another father figure for whom we have great respect.
Fingers, toes, eyes, crossed....
Comical Aside: Another friend told me earlier today how upset she was that her young adult son had found pornography on-line. I understand her dismay -- not great news for parents. Then she asked about our son (whom she knows little about). I hit a few general highlights (bullet point fashion). I think she 'bout had a coronary. She was empathetic. I appreciated that. And, while I was sorry to see she had a coronary, I must admit it was rather validating to me.
Thanks for your listening ears and hearts....
Last weekend my husband and I went on a biking trip to Canada with a group of friends. Spectacular mountain scenery, fantastic long-time friends, and a very carefree weekend. Good livin'!
We came home to multiple, frequent "hang-up" calls (rather than voicemails) on our home phone from numbers we didn't recognize. Well, we all know who that was. When our difficult child calls often, he's desperate. When he leaves no message, he's wanting to get us "live" on the phone to begin manipulation attempts (he's a master). We did not call any of those numbers back and we are actively screening calls (which we usually do, anyway, because of difficult child). difficult child is currently AWOL from Facebook, jail and anyone we know. Never a good sign.
The last 2 days several people ask how difficult child is. We've now narrowed our response to a simple, "Same-same." Close friends/family know what that means. However, the last couple of days several close people are suddenly telling us, "Oh, he'll come around. Just wait, he'll change." Uh hunh. Well, sure.....we hope. But, ahem.....reality....
The Tug Of War inside is that OF COURSE we love him and hope he changes! OF COURSE! But, as you all know, too many crimes, lies, manipulations, police calls, etc take their toll.
Detaching feels like ripping a bandaid off of a DEEP wound on an arm quickly. OUCH! But then, after a while, a scab forms and we're able to use our arm again with minimal problem. But even though "mostly" detached, it doesn't take much for a heartstring to be pulled. Damn.
We are resolved to keep our boundaries in actions (and we do), but boundaries are tougher to keep on a calm, even keel. As time goes by and we let our difficult child (and God) carry his own burden, it's easier on my heart............MOST of the time.
However.... difficult child's must come with stickum on 'em because they still pull at our hearts sometimes. I don't know about you all, but.......I am not build to LOVE and then UN-LOVE -- anyone, anywhere, any time. It's just not how I'm built.
My head knows all about love with wisdom and healthy detachment. My heart usually follows along quite willingly. But every once in a while a stray, frayed heartstring is pulled. Today was such a day.
Not acting on it. But am definitely feeling it in my heart.
Lastly, our difficult child gave us a phenomenal grandson (now almost 4 yrs old)! We spend much time with this beautiful, smart, funny, engaging boy! We were recently at a pool party playing with him, laughing, having all the beautiful times grandparents dream of. IT....IS.....AWESOME! Sometimes our grandson looks so much like difficult child and I miss when difficult child had a sweet side in his early youth. I miss his smile, his tears, his humor, his "reachable" moments. Now he rarely has any of those. I've heard others mention the "flat/blunted affect" look on their faces -- a horrible look. Honestly? Creepy. That's mostly what I see these days. I miss faces of innocence (at least greater innocence than nowadays). Heartstring....
I keep looking at our beautiful grandson and praying he will not follow in his birth father's (our difficult child's) footsteps. He's being raised by another father figure for whom we have great respect.
Fingers, toes, eyes, crossed....
Comical Aside: Another friend told me earlier today how upset she was that her young adult son had found pornography on-line. I understand her dismay -- not great news for parents. Then she asked about our son (whom she knows little about). I hit a few general highlights (bullet point fashion). I think she 'bout had a coronary. She was empathetic. I appreciated that. And, while I was sorry to see she had a coronary, I must admit it was rather validating to me.
Thanks for your listening ears and hearts....