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Family of Origin
Boundaries...Please read Copa and Cedar...please answer. Thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 667229" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Oh, Copa and thanks so much for responding...your input means so much to me...for my husband or kids of course we would compromise or I'd accept the boundary. With my sister, it isn't possible. If I offered something like w hat I'd thought of doing, both s he and my brother would say "no>" I would have liked a "let's get it all out and talk about it calmly" conference. Maybe my sister first then brother so there was no gang up...lol. They wouldn't do it. Brother actually may have. Sister would have walked out the first time I said anything about Mother that she thought of as negative. There is no negotiating in my family.</p><p></p><p>I agree that negotiation and compromise is good and have done it over and over again with my family of choice and friends. But you can't compromise with somebody who thinks she is right and can not see your point of view. I wanted us to be able to talk about Mother, even if it was a bit uncomfortable for her, so I could finally find out why she said nothing to Mother to try to soften her up on me or why she never said, "Don't talk that way about my sister. I love her." At the time, she did love me. I have it in writing. I have e-mails from her going back to 2012. But she never did and I always wondered why. I needed one big conversation about it. She never would have lasted.</p><p></p><p>As for the boyfriend, that could have worked out too as long as she promised not to talk about his abuse of her. I mean, she could mention his name, I guess, if we were compromising, but s he disconnected before we ever got t there. </p><p></p><p>Since th e first condition never would have happened, there was nothing we could do to compromise. I'll tell ya one thing I do find interesting. When I say anything she immediately either says "no" or does a cut off. When Boyfriend did anything or said anything to do, she cried or got upset and told ME about it and maybe him too, but she never ever ever cut him off. They will probably marry when his kids grow up. He is anal about not introducing her to his kids after five years. Uses that as an excuse to use her and keep her at a distance. And she'll never leave him.</p><p></p><p>My mother got involved with a mom, after divorcing my dad, who cheated on her and married some woman from an asian country who just wanted a green card and was very cruel to him. </p><p></p><p>But she was nice to him too.</p><p></p><p>It's definitely deep and a family thing. They put up with abuse all the time, but call what I do abuse (shrug). I can't change it. I will find a way to send you the original e-mails we sent to each other so you can tell me if I said something controlling or manipulating in there.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for the input <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 667229, member: 1550"] Oh, Copa and thanks so much for responding...your input means so much to me...for my husband or kids of course we would compromise or I'd accept the boundary. With my sister, it isn't possible. If I offered something like w hat I'd thought of doing, both s he and my brother would say "no>" I would have liked a "let's get it all out and talk about it calmly" conference. Maybe my sister first then brother so there was no gang up...lol. They wouldn't do it. Brother actually may have. Sister would have walked out the first time I said anything about Mother that she thought of as negative. There is no negotiating in my family. I agree that negotiation and compromise is good and have done it over and over again with my family of choice and friends. But you can't compromise with somebody who thinks she is right and can not see your point of view. I wanted us to be able to talk about Mother, even if it was a bit uncomfortable for her, so I could finally find out why she said nothing to Mother to try to soften her up on me or why she never said, "Don't talk that way about my sister. I love her." At the time, she did love me. I have it in writing. I have e-mails from her going back to 2012. But she never did and I always wondered why. I needed one big conversation about it. She never would have lasted. As for the boyfriend, that could have worked out too as long as she promised not to talk about his abuse of her. I mean, she could mention his name, I guess, if we were compromising, but s he disconnected before we ever got t there. Since th e first condition never would have happened, there was nothing we could do to compromise. I'll tell ya one thing I do find interesting. When I say anything she immediately either says "no" or does a cut off. When Boyfriend did anything or said anything to do, she cried or got upset and told ME about it and maybe him too, but she never ever ever cut him off. They will probably marry when his kids grow up. He is anal about not introducing her to his kids after five years. Uses that as an excuse to use her and keep her at a distance. And she'll never leave him. My mother got involved with a mom, after divorcing my dad, who cheated on her and married some woman from an asian country who just wanted a green card and was very cruel to him. But she was nice to him too. It's definitely deep and a family thing. They put up with abuse all the time, but call what I do abuse (shrug). I can't change it. I will find a way to send you the original e-mails we sent to each other so you can tell me if I said something controlling or manipulating in there. Thanks for the input :) [/QUOTE]
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