Boy/girl sleepovers

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by slsh, Apr 25, 2009.

  1. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I'm just baffled by people sometimes. Truly. And then I start to wonder if I'm just old or a prude, but... there's right and there's wrong, and while I know my right might be your wrong, aren't there some basic things that are pretty clearcut?

    difficult child's ex (for now) girlfriend's mom let him spend the night (and days) over there, with her daughter who was 16 and 17.

    I just got a call from him that he's halfway down the state of IL this morning, having spent the night with- another 17 y/o girl and her family. He met this girl in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) #3.

    I'm not an ostrich, burying my head in the sand. I know my kids will have sex. I've tried really hard to teach them responsibility, safety, respect (for themselves and their partners). But... I just cannot ever see allowing my daughter to have a boyfriend spend the night in her teens, not would I ever allow my youngest son to spend the night at a teen girlfriend's house. There's just something so incredibly wrong about that to me.

    Have I turned into a dinosaur here? (Not that it would make me change my opinion, but I'm feeling rather disconnected this morning, LOL).
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Nope, not a dinosaur. I would not let either of my kids spend the night with a boyfriend/girlfriend ever as long as they are under 18. What they choose to do over 18 is there issue, but not till then. I am not sure of their logic, or if there is any? I did not see this when I was in high school, but I remember the "party parents" or the ones that would buy beer, alocohol and pot and then party with the kids. At the time we thought it was cool, but looking back they were so not cool.
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    In our hometown - lots of families actually rent hotel rooms for their kids after prom night. Prom night has almost become like 'the wedding night' around here. The dress. The dinner. The limo. The dance. And finally the hotel room.

    No you are not a prude. You're a good mom.
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I have never allowed any of my unmarried children sleep with their boyfriend's/girlfriend's in my home. What they do out of my home is their business, but in my home, it is not allowed. Even when oldest was engaged, he slept on the couch and she took his bed. My children are all now over 18, but they would not even ask to have a date for an overnight at home.
  5. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Nope, not a prude or a dino!
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I am probably odd man out because I had strange situations with girlfriend's and girlfriend's parents.

    Jamie's girlfriend (fiance at the time) got kicked out of her house for a reason I cant remember anymore but she showed up at my door with bruises 1 month shy of her 18th birthday with no where to go. She had already graduated high school AND she was supposed to marry Jamie the next summer. I let her stay because I figured she would only be there a few days and work it out with her mom...ha!

    With Cory's girlfriend I knew when we took her in it was going to be for a long time. I thought long and hard about it because she was about four or five months from her 18th birthday so she was a stray. But she had been in foster care and had run from an abusive foster home and had been living in the woods going to school. Foster care had thrown up their hands. This girl really has been through the ringer. Druggy parents, rapes, the whole nine yards.....yet Cory just paid for her to graduate! She had her name and his engraved on her HS She will graduate with both a HS and AS degree. So I think we did the right thing even if they had sex in my house. I dont think she would have made it through school without my family...including Cory. He really pushed her when she wanted to give up.

    I have just kinda always had a thing for strays.
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I completely agree. My youngest moved in with his girlfriend when I left town. Ummm...duh? I wondered what her mom thought. He could have moved in with guy friends. Ya think they're sitting watching movies all night long?

  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Janet, I don't see where what you did was wrong. It's just that it really has never been an issue around my house. When Josh was in high school and college, his younger brother and sister were still in middle school. He had "friends" stay the night in high school and college, but they always stayed in separate beds because of Tripp and Jana. Tripp nor Jana have ever asked. Jana moved out at 17 to the garage apt we own a block away, and Tripp has not had a serious girlfriend since he was 15. When Josh was in college, I did take in his old girlfriend who had no place to go. She shared a room with Jana. I have had several others that have stayed here for extended periods, but they were same sex friends of the kids.
  9. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Janet - I think there's a big difference between taking in a kid who has no place else to go versus letting a girlfriend/boyfriend stay overnight for recreational purposes.

    Neither difficult child or either one of these girls are ready to be parents - OMG, I just shudder, you know? I've drilled safety into his head and that may actually be one thing he's actually heard (at least he talks the talk well - who knows about his actions), but... sigh. I don't know, I just am flabbergasted at these parents.

    Detach detach detach. ;)
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sue, no, you're not a dinosaur, and I agree with-your assessment that there is a difference between taking in someone, and recreation.
    When I was 19, my now-husband and then-boyfriend dropped me off at home in the middle of a storm. The street was flooding and he couldn't get his car started.
    He stayed overnight--on the basement couch.
    That's the difference between staying overnight as a matter of course, as a habit, and staying overnight to take in someone in an unusual situation.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I don't think it matters what the parents are thinking or what their motivation is, because at the end of the day, the teens know it is a very big deal to have your boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over and they take it VERY seriously. They will begin to look upon their relationship in far more serious terms than first boyfriend/first girlfriend stuff....and that, of course, is the danger.

  12. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I have had easy child's friends that are an equal mixture of girls and boys, stay the night. They rent movies, make popcorn and generally crash where they sat in the family room. I trust easy child and I trust in easy child's healthy fear of my anger.
    I know there is no alcohol, no drugs, nothing illegal. I am 99% sure that there was no sex. They weren't destructive and knew that they were welcome to make themselves at home if they were respectful.
    They were safe, I was in attendance and the kids were free to have a good time in a safe environment.
    easy child has a female roommate at present. Doesn't bother me in the least. If anything it's good for easy child in that she gets after him to do his fair share of the housework. They have separate rooms and work different shifts. This is where I draw the line at invading easy child's privacy. He chose to have an independent life and he is paying his way.

    difficult child had a girlfriend when he went away to school. They stayed "together" at school. When she came down to our home and traveled to Colo. to ski, I spoke to her mom. Mom felt that there wasn't a problem since they virtually lived together at school. So we chose to let them continue to spend all their time together. For difficult child it was a huge leap into the real world. It was neither a positive nor negative experience for us.

    I'[m of the belief sex happens and teens are hormonally in turbo boost. We teach responsibility, safe sex and consequences. If they are living at home they have to abide by the house rules but no one is going to stop the drive of nature. It will happen in the car, in the woods, in school or anywhere else that two teens can be alone. Hopefully we can teach and be a role model for responsible adulthood and we keep our fingers crossed.

    Sue, I don't think you are a dinosaur and I dare say I thought the same when my difficult child was at the 15, 16 yr range. Eventually it became less of a priority than other things.

    It wasn't a battle I have ever seen a parent win by using authoritarian rule.

    The teen will have either gotten the reason for the appropriate behavior or they won't have gotten it long before they are 16.
  13. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    That crosses a line for me, too.

    There are instances in my circles where parents allow groups of boys/girls stay over at one of their houses after a big event like homecoming or prom. Supposedly with supervision. I'm not okay with that either. Just like I don't think it's okay to let teens drink alcohol at your house just because you've taken their keys...
  14. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I think we're talking apples and oranges here. Taking in somebody who needs a place to go is a whole different issue from letting your kids have a boy/girl sleepover.

    As far as groups staying over, I can see where in some instances it might be OK but I remember what I was like when I was that age and I absolutely wouldn't allow it unless there was some darned good supervision.

    At this point, my older difficult child stays here with his girlfriend when he is in town but they are both almost 25 years old. I guess everybody has different standards but to me at 25 I can live with it, but when they were teens - no way.

    As far as boy girl sleepovers of young teens, like I hear about on TV, I think those parents have totally taken leave of their senses (if they ever had any).
  15. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    If it makes you feel any better my difficult child "came out of the closet" last year and now I can't let girls sleep over and I'm leary still about boys - so our answer at the moment is no sleep overs at all! Just when you thought it couldn't get any more confusing!!!!
  16. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I think it depends on the kids. I agree with Fran's viewpoint.
    But I also know for me as a kid, I should not have been allowed to have boy's sleep over! LOL
    We were not responsible.
    With K I just don't know because of her diagnosis. Because of having BiPolar (BP) a lot of times equals poor choices and hypersexuality well I just don't think I would ever feel OK about that.

    I feel as I get older I am much more cautious about these things.
    it would depend on how my kids mature. I don't think husband would ever even consider it.
    I myself am very open minded, but I would think foremost about both kids safety and how it would affect K and N mentally first.
    Tough call.
    I guess the maturity issue is the big part.

    Oh, and not in the same bed for sure!
  17. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Nope, not a dinosaur. But, everyone does it around here. Except me and easy child's girlfriend's mom, apparently. Although, I have been letting easy child's girlfriend spend the night because her situation at home is pretty bad. And I know they are not sexually active. Plus, she's going to be moving in when she turns 18 anyway.

    I was told the other day by another mom that my kids are not 'normal' because they don't date just to date and go through one girlfriend or boyfriend after another. And because my kids are not interested in experimenting with drugs - it's very wrong to them. This conversation got started because difficult child is worried about a 'friend' of hers whom she has known since she was 4 (this friend is 13), who has one boyfriend after another, has had oral sex and has smoked pot.

    I like to think that maybe I instilled some good values. Or maybe I just got lucky. In any case, if that's the definition of 'normal' nowadays, I'm glad my kids aren't.
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    in my opinion, under a certain age is not okay. Both my girls were invited to boy/girl parties that were also sleepovers. If I knew about it, I would go pick them up at midnight. It was definitely a no-go with me.

    That said, I have to say that I am a bit more liberal. easy child has been away to college and lived with her boyfriend there. She is over 21. I do allow her steady-love to spend the night occasionally. I also allow him to stay over when we're out of town, knowing they are sleeping together. If theirs was a new relationship or a fly-by-night sort of thing, I would not be so open about it. But because they've known each other since easy child was 17 and I know they love and respect one another, H and I do allow him to spend the night. He has matured since their younger days and they are respectful of our house rules otherwise and we're just comfortable with it.

    difficult child once asked why her boyfriend (monkeyboy at the time) wasn't allowed to stay over. First, we didn't like him or trust him. Second, he didn't respect her. Third, they weren't even together 6 months at the time. So, that was a no-go and she took it surprisingly well. No arguments, she just nodded and said, "Makes sense".

    I really think it's a depends sort of thing for young adults over a certain age. But at 16/17 - No Way.
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    if that's the definition of 'normal' nowadays, I'm glad my kids aren't.

    I'll second that!
  20. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    My 18 year old son was being allowed to stay over at his 16 year old girlfriend's house. They are both mild difficult child's though bizarrely their R seems to be grounding both of them a little bit. Anyway, we were taking her home at 10 and then we started letting son take her home and the girl's mother was letting him stay over.

    I finally called her and during our talk, learned that she had been a teenaged mother herself (I was past 30 when I had my kids) and that she thought it would be "sweet" if our difficult child's reproduced together!

    I told her that I would not give her daughter one red cent towards support of a baby and since I have no legal obligation to support my son, no court could make me do so. I said I'd go halfsies on an abortion with her (though if push came to shove, I'd foot the entire bill)

    Funny how after I said there'd be no money, honey, she agreed to put her daughter on birth control. We also talked to our son and made the same thing clear. He said I'm not ready to be a dad (about the most insightful thing he has ever said!) and said he had been using condoms. Now I keep him stocked from Costco (40 for $10, well worth the cost).

    My daughter is 17 and not sexually active - she hasn't met a boy she likes enough yet. She's off to college this fall and I am sure this will change. I got her HPV shots and have told her that when she is ready, I will help her out with birth control if she wants.

    I don't believe in sleepovers with the opposite sex.