Boyfriend stood her up/she got high again/I hate my life!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Aug 23, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Well, here we go again.

    The wonderful boyfriend I posted about stood her up today. He was supposed come get her and take her to the city. They were going to ride the train down, hang out in Times Square and have dinner. He never showed up or called. I felt so badly for her. She was beyond mad. She decided to look for someone else to hang out with. She ended up with the loser down the street, he is a crip gang member. Another one of her smart decisions! She has been in and out of my house all night. She and the loser down the street went to pick up her friend up from her last placement. She is spending the night. Oh yay!!! Of course it's not a good idea to hang out with this girl. She is a nice girl, always polite and I know her family well. We got to know each other while they were in placement together. I just feel the two of them together equals trouble. When she left I told her to be home at 1am. Her normal curfew is midnight, but she hounded me until I finally caved. So, her and her friend walk, or should I say, storm in the door at 12:30am. She and I have an argument that spills outside onto the porch. She wants to come home a 2am. I say absolutely NOT. If they are not in the house by 1am they will both be locked out. She screamed at me and punched the siding of the house, woke up a few of the neighbors I'm sure, and stormed off. Aaah, the fun begins. She ended up coming home a few minutes early. Slams the door open with no consideration for everyone else in the house who are sleeping and begins to heat up pizza. Complaining the whole time because there is no soda left. Mind you I bought three 2 liters today. Of course while heating up the pizza she is making as much noise as possible. She then begins to nag at me to drive them to the friends house. AT 1:30 IN THE MORNING, I DON'T THINKS SO!!!
    They are now up in her room and I am praying for some peace. I am tired and I so desperately want some down time. I hate living with her!!!

    She has gotten high again. Last night she came home with the munchies and a nasty, nasty attitude. She was very snippy and even paranoid. She used to get paranoid before and I always thought it was the Concerta she was on. I was wrong, it was the weed. She was doing really well until she starting smoking again. She bugged out on me thinking I was giving her looks and gesturing to my sister. I told her that the weed was making her paranoid, that just led her to get more irate. I don't know if it's the weed itself or the combination of weed mixed with all of her medications. In any event my life is hell again. Woe is me. :(

    I am just so worn out and tired of this chaos. I have been fighting with her and for her for so many years, I just don't have it in me any longer. I am utterly drained and dread all of my tomorrows. When is this going to end? I WANT MY F*****G LIFE BACK!!! I know there is a full out rage coming. It's in the air, I can feel it. I am so not up for it. My desire for trying to help her has run out. I now want to shield myself as well as the rest of my family from her craziness. When she is living at home you can feel the tension in the air. My neighbor once told me that when my daughter is away (Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or hospital) I look brighter and healthy, when she is home I look sick and drained. I feel sick and drained. She thinks she is the only one counting down the days until her 18th birthday, I can't wait either. I only hope I will have the courage to kick her out!!! I just truly do not want to live with her anymore. She drains the life right out of me, saps all of my energy and desire to live. Truthfully, that is how I feel. I cannot bear (bare?) another day of this. Then I think about my poor son who must live in the middle of this storm. It's so not fair to him, or any of us, even her for that matter. She infringes upon every aspect of all of our lives. My sister, who lives downstairs with my 12yo nephew gets it just as bad as I do. She is a trooper, I would truly die without her. She is a great support to me and my difficult child. I just feel so badly that she endures this as well. I want to pack my bags and leave on a jet plane and never look back. I would even sing that song as I am walking out the door. The only thing I want to take with me is my son. He is such a sweet kid. I feel horrible for hating my life so much because he is a blessing. He makes me smile everyday!!!

    Oh, did I forget to mention that my difficult child has minor experience with prostitution? Yup, she wasn't even ashamed to tell me. She told me while on a week long awol from her first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) 2 years ago she masturbated a man for a hundred dollars. I was sick to my stomach!!! Still am. She was so proud that she made that much money. I am horrified. In her twisted logic, she doesn't see this as prostitution as she didn't actually have sex or oral sex with the guy!!! Who is this kid? I am shocked. She has no self respect whatsoever and doesn't even see that. I can only imagine what she has done in her short lifetime that I am not aware of. Truthfully, I don't even want to know!!! She is going to be the death of me yet.

    So, in a nutshell - PLEASE SHOOT ME!!!

    Sorry for the long vent, I am just feeling very suffocated right now and needed to unload a little. (or a lot) Thanks so much for listening. Oh, I am willing to pay for strong drugs, any hook ups - please PM me!!! :)
  2. tonime

    tonime toni

    I am so sorry for everything you are going through. My difficult child is only 11 and I don't have to deal with these things -- yet. It sounds like you have full circle with difficult child-- doctors, hospitals, placements--etc.
    First, I think it is great that you have a easy child and support from a loving sister--thank goodness. Perhaps seeing someone for yourself (counselor) -- if you can would be good-especially when difficult child is home.
    It sounds like you have done everything to help your daughter. Perhaps when she is 18 it will be time for some "tough love". Sometimes-people need to realize that they are the only ones really responsible for their happiness. Unfortanetly, some have to take the hard road to realize that if they ever do-- and it is more than hard for the family who loves them-- to watch. However--sometimes it is all we can do.
    When I get stressed-- I love to think of the serentiy prayer-- it is so true--
    Lots of HUGS being sent your way!!
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Bran, you need to take control back. She is being disruptive and is out of control. To come in at 1 am and make a lot of noise - she MAY have been simply not thinking, but she needed a short, clear reminder to be quiet because other people in the house need consideration.

    It's YOUR home. You are entitled to set the rules AND enforce them. This shouldn't require you to raise your voice - you need to keep your own volume down. If she gets noisy and aggressive - that's her. YOU need to be able to say, in clear conscience, "I did not raise my voice. I did not use bad language. I have not been inappropriate. THEREFORE only ONE person here has done the wrong thing. And THAT person is not the person who makes the rules here."

    House rules - these are vital. If her/your aim is for her to move out as soon as she's 18, then she needs to be working towards this in terms of basic skills. Those basic skills involve learning to live communally with other people. It doesn't matter whether she's going to live under a bridge somewhere, or sharing a dorm in college - she is going to have to get on with people. This boy who stood her up - why did he do this? Was he reacting to her poor social skills and dumping her? If so, she hasn't got the message to clean up her act - far from it.

    We found that at a certain age (it varies form kid to kid) we had to change how we 'got on' with them, from "you are my child, you do what you're told" to "we live in the same space, we will show consideration of each other and cooperation to manage our living spaces as a team." This not only made a big difference in how we all got on, it also gave them some advance skills tat they turned out to desperately need when they left home. Sure, they still had a lot to learn and made a lot of mistakes. But because they had already learned SOME things, it wasn't such a rude awakening.
    And while there is some quiet but vicious satisfaction in seeing our child (who never learnt consideration in the bathroom and who would ALWAYS spend 90 minutes in there, washing her hair, shaving her legs, having a luxurious bath and using ALL the hot water in a very large tank) having to deal with a very small quick recovery hot water tank that is empty after one ten minute shower, I am very glad she has at least got SOME skills and isn't going to get evicted within six weeks. Because if she gets evicted, she will want to move back home! Noooooo!!!!

    Our house rules apply equally to everyone unless otherwise specified. The stuff inside square brackets [...] is to clarify for you, here. If you choose to use these, do not print out the stuff in square brackets.

    1) You must let others know where you are going and when you will be home. You should also be contactable wherever possible. In other words, take your mobile phone and/or leave the phone number of where you will be.
    [This applies to parents also - you leave your work number, or the number of the friend's place you are going to. You tell the kids if you are going to the shops and when you expect to return. As you do this, they learn to expect it and it should also make it easier to require them to do likewise, since this goes way beyond 'checking up' on them.]

    2) Always let the cook know whether you will be home for dinner. Preferably give at least 6 hours' notice. Also let the cook know if you want to bring anyone else home for dinner. The more notice you give, the easier it is to plan for it.

    3) Share tasks like food preparation, shopping, other household chores. Alternatively, make mutually satisfactory arrangements with other house mates so that if one person does most of the cooking, for example, the other does most of the laundry. But everyone must be capable of all tasks.

    4) Keep a shopping list. When something is opened, put it on the list. When you use something, put it on the list. Immediately. If you want something purchased for you, put it on the list but be prepared to have to pay for it yourself if you are the only person who is likely to use it.

    5) Pay your board and bills on time. Failure to do so can result in eviction.

    6) Keep personal possessions out of communal spaces. Keep communal spaces tidy.

    7) Take turns cleaning communal areas such as bathrooms, vacuuming the floors, washing windows, dusting etc. [these can be done as a team to make it more enjoyable - put on some music and dance as you all work. If you're just breaking in this new concept, keep the work sessions short, stop before it becomes too onerous so you can finish on a good note.]

    8) Respect other people's possessions and personal space.

    There are probably things I've forgotten to list here, but all these rules are ones you need to follow, if you want to be someone people are prepared to live with. The people you may want to live with could be family, friends, total strangers who are looking for someone to help share expenses, a future life partner... and so on.

    What I told my kids was this - to be a successful person in life, you need to be someone who people can at the very least, tolerate. If you are so unpleasant to be around that nobody wants to live with you, then not only will you always have to live alone (which is generally also more expensive) then you are likely to not even be able to find anywhere to live. And if you are so unpleasant to be around that you end up on the streets, you could find yourself not even being permitted to share the most squalid, flea-infested squat but instead constantly being moved on. Lonely, depressing, miserable - and nobody else to blame but yourself. So use the time now, while you still live under this roof, to gain the skills that will not only make you someone tolerable to live with but someone who could even be sought after as a good person to share accommodation with. And regardless of gender, being able to cook like Nigella Lawson could be a good start. Being able to pay your own bills promptly is also invaluable.

    Your daughter is a very long way from this. It's quite likely that she is going to be very resistant to following any rules at all. But you need to find out just what rights you have so you can determine what leverage you can use.

    Example of leverage - if she fails to let you know if she will be home for dinner, then don't cater for her. She will have to forage for herself when she gets home. Similarly, if she isn't home by curfew then call her, wherever she is, find out what other arrangements she has made. Allow a little leeway depending on how much goodwill she has stored up (if any) but be prepared to tell her that unless she has her own key and can let herself in quietly without disturbing anyone and can be trusted to lock the house up again after her, then she will have to stay somewhere overnight.

    You will need to be consistent in enforcing the rules - consistent with everyone. Responsibilities and privileges can vary for individuals depending on how reliable and how community-minded that have shown themselves to be, but the rules MUST be followed.

    It's your home. You are the ultimate person responsible for the overall management. In terms of a business, you're the CEO and she is a junior executive. You have to manage the administration of the business but she has to also do her part or she is out of a job.

    The rules of course will have to also apply to husband and also easy child. Since easy child is probably too young to be expected to prepare an entire meal on his own, then you have to modify the rules accordingly, for him. He can help prepare the meal sometimes. He can help with laundry, sometimes. All house members help with the laundry to the extent of ensuring that they have put washing in the right place in the laundry, with pockets already emptied and stains soaped. Any mending needing to be done should be dealt with before the clothing is washed; so depending on the age and capability of the house member, they either mend it themselves or ask someone to help.

    Quid pro quo - you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. If you want people to do you favours, you have to make it worth their while. So if you want your mother (or your sister) to patch your jeans, then you can do her a favour to help out. Peel the vegetables for dinner perhaps. Or feed the dog. Do the washing up (although everyone should be taking turns with that). Make an arrangement. Because while someone is spending time to help you, their other tasks are not getting done.

    It pays the individual in so many ways, to work with someone in cooperation. If a boy wants to play games with his mother, but she is too busy, then if he helps her complete her tasks more quickly she may have more time to spend with him.

    A kid who expects these 'treats' as a right, is a kid who has never got the message about the value of other people's time. If you want to be driven places, you need to earn the privilege. Nobody owes the kid the drive. She should never be able to bully you into driving her anywhere (I'm not saying she has ever succeeded - just using this as an example).

    I've used the example before, of Aesop's fable of the competition between the sun and the wind. They are talking to each other about who is the strongest - the wind says that he is strongest because you can see the trees bend in the wind, leaves blow along the street and a gale can do a lot of visible damage. What force can the sun exert?
    Then they see a man walking along the road. The wind declares, "Whoever can remove the coat form that man is the strongest of us!"
    And the wind begins to blow. At first the man holds his coat tighter around him, but as the wind blows even more, the coat begins to flap. However, the man just gathers his coat around him even tighter, ties his belt tighter and bends lower into the wind. As the wind blows stronger, the man turns his coat collar up, tucks his chin in, bends over more and trudges determinedly. Finally the wind has to pause and take a break.
    The sun takes a turn. The clouds part and the sun comes out, shining. Because the wind has stopped the man relaxes his grip on the coat, finally letting it fall open. The sun continues to shine - the man begins to sweat. Finally, really feeling the heat, the man takes off his coat. The sun declares himself the winner.

    Your daughter needs to learn that force is not going to get her what she wants. She has to learn more appropriate ways to persuade people.

    I have one last thought about the boyfriend standing her up - how do you know exactly what the status of this relationship is? Or what the arrangement was? Did the boyfriend tell you? Or did you only hear it from difficult child? Because it may be that she wasn't really stood up; he may have simply told her, "I'll try and meet up with you but I don't know if I'll be able to do this." Or it might have been difficult child saying to him, "I won't take no for an answer - I'll be waiting for you, I know you'll find a way to meet me."
    If all you know about this guy is what difficult child has told you, I would be taking it with a grain of salt. Because your description of him in your other thread just doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would stand anyone up.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ah, hon, I feel for you. It's so sad to watch our kids self-destruct. You can take control of your home back--agree with that--but you can't control HER much anymore--sadly, if she wants to do these things, she will, and you can't stop her. But at 18, if she won't try to get well and cut out the drugs, I would seriously consider telling her she will have to leave. You may want to post on "Teens and Substance Abuse" or even "Parent Emiterus" (since difficult child is almost 18) and talk to the Wise Ones who have been there/done that with out-of-control young adults (I'm one who has). It's truly a horrible and unique experience to feel helpless while an adult child (which legally means 18--like they are SO grown up at destroy themselves. But we have lived to talk about it. In my case, my daughter turned her life around so I can share a happy ending. (((Big hugs))) I feel for you.
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    I am printing out Marg's list!

    Thinking of you xo ML
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Be prepared to modify it to your own household's needs and to add anything you need. I know the list is incomplete.

    Just remember - be consistent! Don't have any rules that you as parents can't follow.

    A good starting point, especially if you have a good relationship with others in the household - start with how you interact and communicate with your partner in your consideration for each other. Use that as your basis and build from there.

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am sorry. I do agree you need to take control back. My question is why you don't call the police on a high 17yo who is being abusive. The only way you can force her to behave right now is to adopt Fran's "do to Get" policy. It means she only gets what she earns. Sounds simple but is hard to do.

    Sending hugs and prayers.
  8. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    So sorry you are going through this. Hopefully someday she will grow up and realize what she is doing to herself and her family.:sad-very:

  9. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice.

    I had no peace last night. They were up until around 4 am, I of course can't sleep until they are asleep so I didn't get to bed until almost 5 am. She woke me up, fully dressed at 7:30 this morning, they were going out!!! "At 7:30 in the morning, where the hell are you going???" She told me they were going to their friends house. Whatever, just leave me the hell alone!!! I finally woke up a couple of hours later to find a mess, of course, clothes all over the place, hair products strewn about my bathroom, make up all over my sink etc..... The usual.

    Her boyfriend called a couple of times this morning, he ended up apologizing and admitted that he went to a party. So, now he is groveling. He wanted her to go to the city with him today, she said "hell no". I was proud of her for that. Supposedly he is buying her a pair of sneakers and jeans. We'll see....

    Marg, thanks so much for all of your advice. Good idea to try and reason with her. Even though she lacks that concept, but it's worth a try. Maybe if I don't come at her as a dictator she might get it. Who knows? I am just so at my wits end. She has absolutely no consideration for anyone. She only cares about herself. As it is, we don't really do much for her now. I don't give her rides anywhere, I don't give her any money, I haven't bought her much in the past year and I haven't let her friends come inside the house to hang out. (with the exception of last night) I always tell her as long as she lacks consideration for the rest of us living here then she will have no privileges within our household. I only allowed her friend to sleepover last night because I felt obligated to do so. When my daughter first came home from her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) she spent so much time over this girls house, her mom took really good care of my daughter so I felt I had to return the favor. NO MORE!!! I told her that was the last time I would allow a sleepover until I can see she deserves it.

    As for the boyfriend, yes he actually asked my permission to take her to the city yesterday. He is here on our porch everyday all day long. It is obvious that he likes her a lot. She, in fact says he is suffocating her!!! I thought it would be the other way around. I thought she would be the one to sabotage the relationship not him.

    On a good note, she was not high last night.

    I feel much stronger today, I gain so much strength from all of you. Being able to vent and relate to others on this website really does make a difference!! So thanks to all of you, once again for being here to listen to my belly aching. :)

    p.s. what about those drugs??? lol
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Bran, wow, what a night! I am so sorry you went through that.
    Marg's list is awesome. :)
    I know how you feel, Bran, about being so used up.
    Wish I could add more, except that I agree you need to talk to difficult child about plans for moving out, and then stick to them.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Is she going to school, or will she be when the school year starts? I would get the truant office involved if she is skipping out. Once they are aware that she is not attending, then find out what she is doing while she is not attending, you will have some support from them.

    I agree with the others. It sounds as though she is the one who is in control of your house. I realize that the NY laws say that you can't make them do anything and you can't kick them out until they are 21, but those laws bend when you have other agencies backing you up. You can't kick her out, but you can make her so miserable with your rules that her only choices are to shape up or ship out. It's not that your only hope now is to kick her out, but you need to take control of your house again. At 17 she is too old to be made to change her mind. But she can choose to change her mind about how she lives. Maybe she will choose to live a more reasonable life in your home. But coming in and out all night with her thug friends wouldn't be happening. She's in for the night, or she's out. She's shouldn't be using the house as a place to store her stuff and come and go to get it as she pleases.

    As far as the story she told you, is there any chance it's a lie she told to rile you up?
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    When does she turn 18? Mine does on June 6, 2009. I could have written your post. I do not intend to live in this chaos one day past June 6 if at all possible. difficult child has been told she needs to figure out what she is going to do with her life come June 6 because I need peace back in my life. We have tried for 17 years to help her and I'm done trying. I would walk on water for her if she met me half way but I will no longer walk across the water by myself.

    I hear and feel your pain. I also will not allow difficult child to hurt my easy child any longer than I have to.

    I've fulfilled my responsibility, the next part of her life is up to her.

  13. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Bran,
    I really feel for you, she sounds a lot like my difficult child 1. Witz is right, in NY you can't kick them out at 18 but you can make their life so miserable that they won't want to stay--as along as they are the ones choosing to leave they can legally move out. Also, even if you did kick her out it would just mean that CPS would take you to court to sue for child support. In our case, they tried to mediate with me and my difficult child rather than go that route and it kind of worked. I did kick her out, I could no longer have her in the house with my younger difficult child. It was the best thing I could have done.

    Let us know how it goes and hang on, the end is in sight!

  14. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Bran,
    What a night! The others have given great advice. I love Marg's list.

    Sending many gentle hugs your way.