Boyfriend wants to get to know my kids better. Yikes!

[Californiablonde]

So my boyfriend texts me yesterday asking if I want to do a pizza and movie night with the kids Friday night. Normally he only comes over on the weekends the kids are at their dads. I am perfectly fine with it. Friday nights are busy for me. I do all my grocery shopping after work, then I take a nice bath and relax a bit before settling in and watching my bridal shows. I am addicted to bridal shows and look forward to watching them every Friday night (I love weddings. Would love to have my own wedding, it's the marriage part I can do without.) Usually difficult child 1 watches her shows in the livingroom, difficult child 2 is on the computer, and I'm in the bedroom watching my own stuff. Now that my boyfriend is coming over my usual routine will be interrupted.

It's sweet, on his part, to want to get to know my kids better. He has only met them briefly twice. He has never sat down and had a conversation with either of them. He told me that since they are a part of me, and he loves me, he wants to get to get closer with my kids. He knows about their disabilities. I have already warned him that my son is autistic and not to be offended if he doesn't make eye contact or reciprocate in conversations. He will be lucky if he gets more than two words out of him. My daughter is more social but sometimes if she's in one of her typical teen "moods" she won't carry on a conversation either. Then there's the arguing and defiance. I am hoping both kids are on their best behavior tomorrow night. When they fight they get brutal. They swear and throw things at each other. They punch, hit, and kick. All it takes is one word to set somebody off then all hell breaks loose. I am hoping and praying this doesn't happen while he's there.

Part of me is glad my boyfriend wants to be a part of my kids' lives. The other part of me thinks he may be overwhelmed and it's too soon. I can't blame him for trying, though. I'm just hoping things go well and it's an enjoyable, peaceful night. Wish me luck!

 

[busywend]

How long have you been dating?

 

[Californiablonde]

We have known each other for two years but have only been technically dating seven months.

 

[busywend]

Seems like long enough. I can understand him wanting to be more involved.

 

[Californiablonde]

Yeah I guess it's about time. I still like my freedom, though. I'm going to miss my shows and my night to myself but I guess it's worth it. Plus I gotta go straight home and clean tomorrow instead of waiting till Saturday to do it. Oh well, it's just one Friday.

 

[AnnieO]

LOL get the kids to help you clean!

Some people wait to introduce their BFs/GFs and kids... husband was determined that he not date anyone who didn't want his kids, too, so they went on our first 2 dates... LOL, well more I went on their outings with them. Haunted House was first date (Halloween night, LOL) and bowling was second...

 

[Californiablonde]

I have a bad track record when it comes to relationships, so I waited to introduce the kids to my boyfriend. I didn't want them to get too attached then have him leave. I'm hoping I have better luck with this guy. So far he's a keeper.

 

[DDD]

I don't like that he criticizes you. Seems like I recall once it was your cooking and another time it was your weight. I hope he is a positive influence on the family. Fingers crossed. DDD

 

[Californiablonde]

DDD he has never criticized my cooking. Quite the opposite. One time he did tell me losing weight will help me look younger but that was it. I already told him he was out of line for that. Other than that, he has never said an unkind word to me and we've never had an argument (knock on wood.)

 

[DDD]

Sorry. I thought there was an issue with London Broil and that it sounded like he hurt your feelings about the extra pounds you have but don't like having (almost all of us have been there done that). I'll hush my mouth and hope that he provides joy and eases anxiety for your family. DDD

 

[Californiablonde]

I've never made him london broil, lol. Maybe you're thinking of somebody else? Anyway, thanks for the well wishes. Hopefully all goes smoothly.

 

[DDD]

April 20th you were seeking recipes for London Broil for your boyfriend. I stored in my head that dinner did not go as hoped for that night. Just reread your post and you couldn't find LB at the store. Some of my memory is right on target. The other parts are demented from raising too many difficult children. LOL DDD

 

[busywend]

CB, my concern for you and your relationship is that you are sort of annoyed that he is taking your alone time from you. It seems to be if you were crazy about him, you would not be annoyed by the opportunity to spend additional time with him. Just an observation. I know sometimes we are blind to the signs ourselves. Just something to consider.

Either way, good luck - I hope the kids are respectful and you all enjoy yourselves!

 

[Californiablonde]

Busywend, I can see your point. I've wondered the same about myself as well. I really do think it's because I've been on my own for so long (almost seven years now) and I'm used to being independent. I love spending time with my boyfriend most nights. By the time the weekend roll around when the kids are at their dad's I miss him terribly and can't wait to see him. When I have the kids with me I'm so used to being focused on just them. I'm not used to sharing them with somebody else. It almost seems like an intrusion of sorts. I'm just not that used to it. My boyfriends in the past have had little contact with my kids. This one wants to be a part of the whole family and that scares me a little. I've had a bad track record with relationships since my kids' dad and I broke up. MOst of them barely lasted a few months. This one seems like a keeper, but I'm still afraid of getting hurt, and my kids getting hurt in the long run if they get too attached.

 

[Jody]

Everyone goes by a different speed in their relationships. Some go like the speed of lightning, and have the potential boyfriend meeting the kids the day after their first date and are living together by the end of the week. Yuck, everyone has their timeframe. I think it's okay to give what you want to, but be prepared if he wants the "family" thing now and you don't he might say he's looking for more and move on. That's just the chance you take. I was with a man for ten years, good man, we lived together after a long time, but his childs adhd and my childs adhd were like mixing oil and water. Since we lived together he wanted to parent her the same way he parented his child and it wasn't working for her or I. It caused friction. I realized after he was gone and (we still are close friends), that I liked coming home and putting on my show and fixing what the girls and I like to eat, and not going by anyone elses plans on parenting or plans for my evening. I know my daughters triggers and what she can handle and what will set her off. He doesn't believe kids have any triggers and that I am just babying her and so forth. Um no, she has some mental health issues that need some special attention. I realized that when I came home I was happier to see my boy Broady(dog) and spend time with him. I used to always worry that difficult child would have a meltdown in front of him even years after we didnt live together. There would always be that look in his eyes like she's still throwing tantrums, cause you didn't whoop her, like I said. I hope you have a great time and he is the right guy, because I think with the right guy and having kids with issues it would have be so wonderful to have someone be able to help. If not get a dog. lol.

 

[Californiablonde]

Jody, what happened to you is EXACTLY what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid he will try and tell me how to parent my kids and I will resent him for it. I'm also afraid the kids flat out won't like him. They already have a stepmother from hell and it would really be damaging to them to have a really bad stepdad. I don't know if my boyfriend would try to step in and take control or not. I honestly have no idea how he would be around my kids. It will be interesting to see how this all pans out. One thing I did tell him is that I will not live with him. If he wants to move in with me he better plan on marrying me first. I played house with my kids' dad for nine years and I refuse to do it again. I better have that ring on my finger before he even thinks of asking to live with me. I'm sure I scared him with that ultimatum, lol. I am in no way ready to live with someone, and he is in no way ready to get married, so we are good there.

 

[busywend]

I hear you! I dated my now husband for 8 years...mostly because my difficult child wanted nothing to do with him! In fact, she moved out 2 days before my wedding so she did NOT have to live with him ( by the way - she was only 19!). She likes him, respects him and is nice to him. But, she never wants to live with him.

Believe me, I GET the whole being a single mom and dating.....I am sure a few here remember my stories!

My advice is to be honest and open about whatever you are thinking and feeling. If he is really a keeper....he will stick around.

 

[Jody]

Have a good time tonight and try not to worry and be on pins and needles, that something will happen or someone will go off. Or they both will go off. If they do and he's there, what he does will be a tell tale sign on how to proceed with the relationship and how you want it to go. Only on the weekends when you are alone or a here and there with the kids sometimes. The kids may surprise you, and really like him!!!!!!!

 

[Californiablonde]

Well it's minimum day here for the students so they are letting us all go home an hour early. Now I can go home and spic and span the hell outta my place before he gets there and I don't have to rush it. Thank goodness! If he saw the way my place looks right now, he would probably break up with me!

 

[Calamity Jane]

CB,
I'm a little late to this...hope you have a wonderful, not-to-stressful evening. Try to relax and be yourself - kids can sense fear and will exploit it accordingly!