Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by witzend, Nov 14, 2008.
How did it go in court today? I hope you and husband are holding up.
Thinking about you too, Bran.
Thank you guys for thinking of me. I so appreciate your concern.
Court did not go as expected. The DA was not as nice as on Monday. He didn't even talk with me or my sw today. I went to his office several times to touch base with him to no avail. He was told a few times by my daughter's lawyer to come over to me and he never did. Her lawyer was different today and she was a real b***h!!!
Because of the order of protection that was put in place as per regular procedure they would not release my daughter today. The DA nor the judge was willing to amend it so that she would be able to come home. She is not allowed to come home or go near her step-father until the case is closed. So her bail remains at $10,000. It is my belief that the DA did this to ensure that none of her friends would be able to bail her out just for her to wander the streets as she, by law cannot step foot in my house. So I do believe that the DA still has her best interest at heart. I over heard him tell the judge that he just doesn't know the answer. He wasn't sure what to do with her at this point. In the meantime my sw was on the phone the whole time trying to come up with a plan, somewhere for her to go. She spoke with the supervisor at the Dept. of Social Services as we still are under the care of DSS as well as Family Court. My DSS case worker has decided that my daughter belongs back in placement even if she is going to be 18 in 3 months. She is not doing well and they are still responsible for her. I have also learned that just because she will be 18 soon does not mean that she has the right to sign herself out of placement. She can only do so if I agree to let her come back home to live (which I will NOT) or she has another appropriate plan. So 18 is not the magic number after all!!! Thank God. My sw has found a place for her to go in the meantime, while DSS finds another Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for her. We go back to court on the 20th at which time, if all goes as planned, she will be taken to a crisis program where she will stay for 21 days, be evaluated and put back on medications. From there she will go to yet another Residential Treatment Center (RTC). This will be her 4th one. In the meantime I have left several messages for the DA to call me so that we can be on the same page and have everything set for our next court date. I wanted to slap her lawyer!!! She barely gave me 3 seconds to talk and when she saw that I was crying and upset she threw her hands in the air and said, verbatim, "I just cannot deal with this today" I couldn't believe it. I stormed out of the court room and said "thanks for nothing, and if you were in my shoes you would be upset too" The lawyer she had on Monday was much nicer.
I left the court in hysterics, I was and am still very upset. Although I do believe we did the right thing, I just feel horrible that she will spend another week in jail. She is an absolute mess, hair all over the place, very manic, and visibly unstable. Very hard to look at her. She called me a little while after court. She sounded better than I expected, she wasn't angry she was actually remorseful and wants very badly to speak to her step-father to opologize. She said that she is not mad at us, that it wasn't our fault it was hers. She kept repeating that she loved her step-dad and wants to say sorry to him. She called 3 times asking for him. He wasn't with me today, he was in the city all day going on job interviews. So she will be calling later to speak to him. Is she finally getting it? I don't know. I just know that it made me feel a lot better hearing her say those things. The fact that she wasn't angry at us anymore says a lot. That's not to say I think everything will be great. I'm no fool and have a long history with this child and know that she is still the same kid who a week ago stole our debit card and went shopping. I can only hope she is learning something from this experience. Only time will tell. I am glad that she will be getting re-evaluated and put back on her medications. Her not being able to live here is a blessing as we just can't take anymore and she doesn't do well unless she is in a structured environment with constant supervision. So I am keeping my finger's crossed that everything goes as planned. I will keep you all posted.
Thank you again. God bless.
Bran, thank you for the update.
So sorry her lawyer was so awful. Sheesh.
I think they didn't want the extra work with-the SW and figuring out where to place your daughter. They wanted something simple and it became more complicated for them. (Sheesh, they actually had to do their jobs! Imagine that!)
I'm glad the DA seems to be keeping your daughter's best interest in mind.
They could see your daughter's appearance as well as you could and they know something is wrong.
I have my fingers crossed that her placement is with-a secure, safe, stable Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that has a good routine in place. That is so important.
You will find out in the next few days whether your daughter was sincere or not, simply if her story changes. But I can't help think that when she saw that you were crying, it finally hit home. Plus, living in jail is driving the point home.
This is a very good, hard lesson for her.
Keep breathing. Splash some cold water over your face, take a cpl aspirin for your crying headache, and lie down with-an ice pack behind your head. Play some soft music and let yourself relax.
You've done a good job.
Wow, what a day. I'm sorry you had to go through it all. Your daughter is older than my son, but I noticed something similar in the court situation- it appears that while we parents are thinking the "system" will somehow help US, we end up having to be the ones to come up with a plan that is satisfactory to the DA and judge and everyone else or else they just keep the difficult child locked up.
My guess is that the 18 yo matter won't be an issue in this case because the judge can order a certain period of time in there or write the order that difficult child has to stay in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) until the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff feels it is no longer needed. That's just my speculation- I have no personal experience with it.
I have never heard of a da returning the call of a parent regarding an active case. I thought they could only speak with the defense attny or gal or someone like that. Anyway, it sounds like you are up to your eyeballs with all this. I hope you can relax a little this weekend and prepare yourself for the week ahead.
So many emotions, it's hard to know what is the right thing to say. I think maybe your daughter thought that Friday was going to be her free pass and not getting out today most certainly took her down a notch towards reality. I'm glad to hear that she is making appropriate statements of remorse, and that you know that it isn't necessarily indicative of a great change on her part.
I wonder if the attorney had a run in with your difficult child before you met her, and that may have pushed her over the edge before you even got a chance to talk to her? difficult child could have said just about anything to her, so as awful as she behaved, it's probably best to not make assumptions about what motivated her to cut you short.
As to the DA, it might be best if you wait on contacting him until you and the SW have something definite in place. I'm sure he has a huge caseload, and will be happy to hear about the plan once it's in place, but he probably doesn't have time to go every step of the way with you to get there.
Terry's right. Take some advil and a warm bath. Give yourself a day and an evening or so off from this. There is nothing that you can resolve this weekend. It seems like in the long run your daughter will not come directly home to you. So, maybe it's time to clean her room this weekend, and set some things aside for her. If you're up to it, and you think you all can handle it, maybe you can see her next week. You're not abandoning her, she is just living with her choices. She's not going to be there forever. And you can be sure that she isn't going to want to go back.
Stay strong, and take care of yourself for a bit. You need it.
I know how hard this is personally and emotionally - but from a completely objective and outside observation - this sounds like good news. I mean - a couple of days ago she had no place to go except the streets - now they are trying to find her another placement. YAY!
As you know my son just turned 18 - and is in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Like you said - we seem to think 18 is the magical or cursed number depending on what we want for them - but if we want to still get them help, despite them being 18, there are many, many loop holes within the societal framework that exist.
Sounds as if jail could be a good thing for her. I am glad to hear she is feeling some remorse and will be getting a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement when her time is finished.
You have done a good job. I am sure you are devastated emotionally. Take the opportunity to try and unwind from the whirlwind you have been involved in this week. Be kind to yourself. You have done your very best.
Sending many positive vibes, prayers and hugs your way. Take care of yourself and husband. Next week will be here before you know it.
I think today went about as well as it could. I'm sorry the attorney treated you so badly. My husband never ever treats clients that way. He understands that they are very scared and vulnerable during this time and he treats them very respectfully and explains things very clearly.
I am hoping that your daughter is finally starting to realize some things. I'm sure she thought she would just walk out of there today and go back to her old ways. Stay strong. I know it breaks your heart but you know that you and your husband cannot go on with her treating you like she has been. And she is not going to change overnight. Hopefully this is a first step, but it is just a first step.
I too am sorry you were treated so poorly. I don't think her staying a bit longer is a horrible thing and I like hearing that she is seeming to take responsibility. I hope it is the start of her taking the responsibility of getting the help she needs. Gentle hugs to you.
Why just not state that you will drop the charges? Where will it put the restraining order?
From what I know the only thing the juvie teaches well, is knowledge how to be a better criminal. I wouldn't do her better and her having been at a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) it is likely that she have picked up some of the problems other residents have during group therapy.
It is one of the big dangers regarding group therapy. Unskilled therapist could miss that one client transfer his or her problems to another. Especially in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s running with level systems, clients steal problems from each other so they can "confess" themselves to a higher level. Private-run Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s are the worse.
You know that you have to get her out of there but NOT back in your home. I would recommend that she should go to live with some relatives in another part of the country or maybe in another town. I don't know how it all started but if the first placement was private, then we can talk about the Paris-Hilton syndrome. "I have done the time, so I can do the crime." She got her time at XXXXXXX - a place previous shut down due their treatment approach before the number of jobs lost convinced the authorities to reopen it again. Look at the life she have lived constantly trying to provoke everybody just because she couldn't act out like normal teenagers. Her jail-time stabilized her medication so she got better in the end, but it was done with private aid. You cannot be so lucky. Your daughter do only have access to public employed doctors.
So get her out of there. Drop the charges if necessary.
Separate names with a comma.