Brand new here today...struggling with 20 year old son with pot addiction...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Ally O, Feb 6, 2018.

  1. Ally O

    Ally O New Member

    Hi all - I'm not really sure what I'm doing so I hope this get's to the "right" place! I am struggling beyond belief at the moment and have no idea what to do. Without going into too much detail, my son has been smoking pot on and off for 5 years or so (he's 20 now). I had kicked him out of the house 1 1/2 years ago because I had just HAD it and he was out for almost a year. Last September he said "ok mom, I'm ready to live by your rules and come back home". Rules being: no more lies, no drugs at all. He's the sweetest, kindest young man in the world with a heart of gold - very sensitive, caring and loving BUT he comes from a family with addiction problems and he's clearly "got the gene". He's also gotten back together with a girlfriend who is nothing but trouble and also does pot (and Xanax, I've recently learned) so my son is right back into his old habits. I'm in SUCH a quandary because kicking him out for a year did him no good so I'm hesitant to go that route but letting him live with me and seeing him high is not something I can tolerate or bear to see. In addition, he is driving high, over and over. The car is in his dads name so we "do" have some control in that his dad could take it away from him but he DOES work and is very responsible in that regard so we'd certainly like to keep THAT going...! He was going to college but has since dropped out (temporarily, or so he says...) so work and this #[email protected]% girlfriend are pretty much his life. He has anxiety (social anxiety pretty bad...) and is depressed and we have been trying forever to get him to see a counselor but he keeps making excuses, etc. He came home high again last night after driving and we talked (not that he'll remember...) and I've given up on the threats, the being angry, the being PISSED OFF at him because that doesn't resolve anything. I just told him "honey, we can't help you until and unless you're ready to quit" because he's constantly telling us he hates doing it, he WANTS to quit but he's weak and as soon as the cravings hit, he gives in. I took his keys away last night (again, not that he'll remember...) but I'm just not sure what to DO, especially regarding the car and the driving. My thought is to just let him use the car to and from work but that makes me into a policeman, constantly monitoring his scheduled (etc), and taking the keys away when he's not working, which I will do but is that the best thing TO do?!?!? Any input or thoughts or experience regarding this issue will be SO appreciated...
     
  2. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Welcome Ally.
    Usually my advice is on the liberal side. I don't worry if other people think I'm enabling or doing the right thing.
    But, in your case, I would suggest you need to be tougher with the car. I would 100% take away access to the car if he drives high. He's risking his life and the life of others. Driving high is just as serious as drunk driving.
    Good luck.
     
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  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Ally

    If it were me, I would not allow anyone who is an alcohol or drug abuser to drive a car that I owned. The liability is much too great, even with insurance. You, as the owner, can be held liable for any damages that exceed the limits of your insurance policy coverage.

    My hubby did this with his son when I was first with him, and luckily nothing bad happened, but he was in denial about the situation. We will never put ourselves at risk again. I understand very much why you do it, but I would just like for you to think about it and make an informed decision.

    I would either give him the car and put it in his name and under his own insurance coverage, or make him take public transportation until he stops the drugs.

    Or, at least severely restrict his use of it, which will put you into confrontations with him on a daily basis.

    You are far from the only person out there with this problem. Many of us have had to deal with this.

    It is not easy, but You are going to have to make some hard decisions, and stick with them, even in the face of the anger that your son will have.

    Stay with us and continue to post.

    We are not going to be judgmental, but you do need to make an informed decision.

    Apple
     
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Since innocent people can be hurt too, I think of it as would we let them drive if we knew they were drunk. Why should others be put at risk for our kids, even though we love them?
     
  5. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My son bought his own car in his name and pays his own insurance but he is on our policy until next month when we renew. We told him we were not keeping him on our policy when we renew because We know he is still smoking pot. We would have gladly let him continue on our policy at the much cheaper rate while he was attending classes if he would quit but He chose not to. He really has a good “poor me” routine going but I just keep reminding him he had a choice.
    I started going to al Anon last month and it is helping a lot, I highly recommend it.
     
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome Ally O

    Your story is very similar to my own also. I don’t have a lot to add to what others have said but that you are not alone. ❤️
     
  7. startingfresh

    startingfresh Member

    I can so relate Ally O. My 18 year old also is addicted to weed. We just asked him to leave our home in hopes that he will begin to face the consequences of his life choices. Seeing him high and all the fall out from that became more than I could handle. I feel your pain with the car and his driving. Being in the path of monitoring and being the holder of keys sounds like a very stressful position to be in. It sounds like you want to protect his job and the positive things he has in his life. I feel the exact same way with my son. Yet, in this case I believe you have to save him from himself. Make that move that protects him and others on the road. I couldn't tell if you said he was home again or not?