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Breaking Heart
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 722822" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I realize he is your son, but please try to see him as an adult and not your little boy. He won't get sick in the heat. If he can scam you out of $10,000 in a year, he can scam others also. He has probably gotten way more free money than that in a year. He is likely just not willing to work or just not willing to use his money for boring things like rent and other necessities when he can use other people's money if at all possible. </p><p></p><p>I am going to be blunt here. It may be a shock. </p><p></p><p>Your son is a thief. Chances are that you are not the only one he has stolen from. Some of these "lost" apartments and "lost" possessions are probably lost because he was in jail when rent was due. He didn't tell you because it would make you less willing to help him. Why would you help a person who has stolen from you with so much money when you are on a fixed income? I know you worry about him in the heat, but he knows where to go to get out of the heat. He knows where the shelters are, as hard as that may be for you to hear. He has already been choosing this life for a very long time. </p><p></p><p>What, exactly, do you think he has been doing with the money you have given him over the years? It has not gone for rent or car repairs or whatever. I can almost certainly guarantee that. Chances are that he didn't have a place or a car to rescue at least some of the time when he called you with an emergency. His behavior is just classic difficult child. Or maybe he had a car and a place and they were fine but he needed money for something else. It was likely money for either drugs or alcohol or some other type of addiction issue. It might not be. It could just be that he doesn't use substances, but I seriously doubt it. Most people living the way he does have some sort of addiction problem. Why would he have sold all of your games and dvds for quick cash if he didn't need quick cash for something? </p><p></p><p>Take a break from his calls. He isn't going to stop calling forever. If anything, he will ramp up his calls with "I am in the hospital because you wouldn't help me. I got sick from : a. the heat because you would not rent a place for me. b. being beat up by some guys because I was sleeping in a park because you wouldn't rent a place for me. c. run over by a car because I was sleeping in a doorway because you wouldn't rent a place for me. Or he will ramp up in another way. </p><p></p><p>Why is he going to ramp up? His old ways are not working. He has to find something new. Don't fall for it no matter what. What he is doing is elder abuse. Don't just promise him anything. Ask him why Catholic Charities isn't helping him out. If it was legitimate, they probably would. If he badmouths them, it isn't CC, it is because he is expecting them to do all the work for him. Tell him you just are not able to help at this time. If he gets ugly with you, hang up. That is the absolute beauty of the phone. You don't have to listen to anything you don't want to. But ask yourself this: If he is willing to abuse you and bully you, is he really worthy of your help? Those who are worthy of your help are grateful for it and don't abuse you, ever. They understand if you cannot help. I do community donations for various groups. If I were to EVER speak to a business the way your son speaks to you, I would never get another item donated. Word would get around town very fast and I would be a pariah! Why would you give your son a dime when he speaks to you that way and has stolen from you in the past? And would steal from you in the future?</p><p></p><p>As a parent, we have the ability to either give our kids support so they get their legs under them or to hobble them. I think your support all these years has become something your son has allowed to hobble him. He feels he doesn't have to work because you will always bail him out. If you want to set him free to be an adult, to truly be independent the way he should be, you will tell him that you are sure he can figure out his life without your help, and that you will no longer send him a dime under any circumstances. He will test you greatly by calling with wildly imaginative crisis after crisis. All you have to do is say things like "that sounds like a challenge" or "I am sure you will figure something out" or "I have faith in your ability to conquer this." If these calls begin to drive you nuts, imagine how frustrated your replies will make him and SMILE. By frustrating him this way you are doing a parent's primary job. You are making your child grow and learn. If nothing else he is learning that you won't be manipulated out of your cash any longer!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 722822, member: 1233"] I realize he is your son, but please try to see him as an adult and not your little boy. He won't get sick in the heat. If he can scam you out of $10,000 in a year, he can scam others also. He has probably gotten way more free money than that in a year. He is likely just not willing to work or just not willing to use his money for boring things like rent and other necessities when he can use other people's money if at all possible. I am going to be blunt here. It may be a shock. Your son is a thief. Chances are that you are not the only one he has stolen from. Some of these "lost" apartments and "lost" possessions are probably lost because he was in jail when rent was due. He didn't tell you because it would make you less willing to help him. Why would you help a person who has stolen from you with so much money when you are on a fixed income? I know you worry about him in the heat, but he knows where to go to get out of the heat. He knows where the shelters are, as hard as that may be for you to hear. He has already been choosing this life for a very long time. What, exactly, do you think he has been doing with the money you have given him over the years? It has not gone for rent or car repairs or whatever. I can almost certainly guarantee that. Chances are that he didn't have a place or a car to rescue at least some of the time when he called you with an emergency. His behavior is just classic difficult child. Or maybe he had a car and a place and they were fine but he needed money for something else. It was likely money for either drugs or alcohol or some other type of addiction issue. It might not be. It could just be that he doesn't use substances, but I seriously doubt it. Most people living the way he does have some sort of addiction problem. Why would he have sold all of your games and dvds for quick cash if he didn't need quick cash for something? Take a break from his calls. He isn't going to stop calling forever. If anything, he will ramp up his calls with "I am in the hospital because you wouldn't help me. I got sick from : a. the heat because you would not rent a place for me. b. being beat up by some guys because I was sleeping in a park because you wouldn't rent a place for me. c. run over by a car because I was sleeping in a doorway because you wouldn't rent a place for me. Or he will ramp up in another way. Why is he going to ramp up? His old ways are not working. He has to find something new. Don't fall for it no matter what. What he is doing is elder abuse. Don't just promise him anything. Ask him why Catholic Charities isn't helping him out. If it was legitimate, they probably would. If he badmouths them, it isn't CC, it is because he is expecting them to do all the work for him. Tell him you just are not able to help at this time. If he gets ugly with you, hang up. That is the absolute beauty of the phone. You don't have to listen to anything you don't want to. But ask yourself this: If he is willing to abuse you and bully you, is he really worthy of your help? Those who are worthy of your help are grateful for it and don't abuse you, ever. They understand if you cannot help. I do community donations for various groups. If I were to EVER speak to a business the way your son speaks to you, I would never get another item donated. Word would get around town very fast and I would be a pariah! Why would you give your son a dime when he speaks to you that way and has stolen from you in the past? And would steal from you in the future? As a parent, we have the ability to either give our kids support so they get their legs under them or to hobble them. I think your support all these years has become something your son has allowed to hobble him. He feels he doesn't have to work because you will always bail him out. If you want to set him free to be an adult, to truly be independent the way he should be, you will tell him that you are sure he can figure out his life without your help, and that you will no longer send him a dime under any circumstances. He will test you greatly by calling with wildly imaginative crisis after crisis. All you have to do is say things like "that sounds like a challenge" or "I am sure you will figure something out" or "I have faith in your ability to conquer this." If these calls begin to drive you nuts, imagine how frustrated your replies will make him and SMILE. By frustrating him this way you are doing a parent's primary job. You are making your child grow and learn. If nothing else he is learning that you won't be manipulated out of your cash any longer! [/QUOTE]
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