Broken Hearted ..Did I do the right thing!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sheliah Marie, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    I'm a new member I hope I'm posting in the right place. My heart is breaking I have a daughter who will be 35 years old with four children of her own. She lives in my home I've I've helped her for the last 16 years raising her children.. she won't keep a job and keeps inviting the father of her children to stay at my house. I pay all of the bills I told her I can't help her anymore she has 30 days to move out. I've been through years of methadone clinic and trying to help her I'll be 62 this month and and I'm tired. She said I'll never see my grandchildren again.
     
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  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    As hard as it is....you did the right thing. Your daughter sounds like she is stuck in a state of perpetual childhood. By forcing her to grow up and live independently, you are giving her the gift of adulthood.

    It also sounds, from what you write, that your daughter is suffering from substance abuse and/or mental illness. I am very sorry to hear this. I have two mentally ill stepsons, at least one of whom is involved with drugs to a certain extent. We are estranged from both of them, by their choice, and both are still minors, one 17 and one 16.

    By continuing to enable your daughter's poor decisions you are contributing to her downfall as well as your own - you realize this and that is why you made the choice to live a different way. As painful as it is to hear your daughter say terrible things, it is still the right choice. Also, I doubt very much that she will truly bar you from your grandchildren for the rest of their lives. It is a typical threat issued by our children in an effort to continue holding us hostage.

    Stick around, this is a wonderful and supportive community.
     
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  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, SM

    You really have no other choice.

    You have to look out for yourself first. You are approaching retirement and you need to get your finances in order.

    It sounds like your daughter has basically never left your home or has been financially dependent on you all her life. That is not good for her.

    There are so many supports for single women with children that she can access. She needs to start taking responsibility for her life. Time to grow up and stop being dependent on mom. This is the best thing for HER as well as you.

    It is sad about your grandchildren. Many of our difficult adults try to hold us hostage with the threat to withhold visits with their children. Some actually do this, but many do not.

    The bigger question is, will she actually move out when the deadline comes?

    You may need to look into getting a legal eviction.

    This is hard.

    Stay with us, SM.
     
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  4. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    Thank you for responding my tears continue just having someone to understand what I am going through.
     
  5. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    I did go and have a lawyer do the paperwork on the 4th. Still crying but I realized I'm hurting her so much more than I'm helping her.
     
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  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    That was a very hard thing to do.

    I can only imagine what drove you to that point.

    We had to throw one of ours out, a couple of different times.

    How is she behaving now that she is on a deadline?

    I hope she is not abusive.
     
  7. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    I haven't talked to her since the 4th I have a trespass warrant on the boyfriend. DCF was called in she had to sh had to go to court for her son's truancy at school and her 3 daughters truancy at school. I left the home about 8 months ago she kept a job for 2 months. When I left the home the boyfriend tried to move in everything went downhill from there he just got out of prison. She gets pregnant he goes to jail and then I'm worried with another grandchilds well-being. The good news was DCF drug tested her and she was clean. Although I know she carries clean urine from her children for drug test so I I don't really know if she's clean. There was a pipe with resin on my grandsons night table I I don know if DCF found it. They didn't take her children but I'm not sure what the investigation has done but make her angry with me. Her Her dead line was 30 days and if she's not moved out we will have to go to court
     
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    So, you have actually been driven from your own home for the last eight months???

    I assume you have been paying all the bills associated with the house, though.

    She is pregnant again?
     
  9. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    I even gave her my own car so she would have a way to go to work and to take the children to school. She abused the Privileges and the car was broke down within 4 months. She has her own vehicle no insurance no tag but she will have to drive that. I just can't keep enabling her .
     
  10. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    Yes I do pay all the bills and I pray that she is not pregnant again.
     
  11. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    Yes I moved out of my own home 8 months ago. I have a son that lives on the property in another mobile home. He pays half of the land payment she was supposed to pay the the other half only $250 a month. I paid the light bill so the children have electricity she uses the children to get what she wants.
     
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Definitely time to stop the gravy train.

    She won’t stop making bad decisions as long as you keep bailing her out.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She is already 35 and not independent and is not taking good care of her children. You can't live forever.

    You should not have to leave the home for her. Or give her your car. Perhaps if she is using government services they will offer her more professional help and monitor the grandchildren. They need stability. She is unable or unwilling to give them that and it wouldn't surprise me if they ended up in foster care. The father is a loser and she is a drug addict, sadly.

    I feel badly for you. I am around your age and know that I am no longer in the right frame of mind to take on one grandchild let alone four and an adult child who acts like she is still a teen. I just want peace and stability now and that is what you probably want and need too. You can retire from being a mommy with no guilt...you were one far longer than most. Daughter needs to step up now. Grandparents have no legal rights, so you can not control how she cares for the grands either. If she has nowhere to bring more kids maybe she will stop having them.

    I think you are doing the only thing you can. Nothing good was happening for her in your home under your care, and you should never ever leave your house again. And don't give her your car! If she drives impaired in your car, are you responsible? Please....it's time to take care of YOU. YOU matter.

    Love and light!
     
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    Last edited: Apr 9, 2018
  14. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    I have a counselor that I see when I'm overwhelmed. The lawyer also advised me not to let her drive my car ever again. I didn't realize how much trouble I could have gotten into with her driving my car. I also found out she allowed him her boyfriend to Drive as well. She now has to drive her own vehicle uninsured untagged.
     
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Yes, you definitely did the right thing.

    If she gets caught without vehicle tags and no insurance, then she will have to pay the consequences for her negligence.

    Don’t let her guilt you into paying for any of it. Sometimes people step up to the plate when they have to face the consequences of their behavior. Not always, but, then, it happens more often than it does if someone else always bails them out and they never have to face their problems. She shouldn’t be driving, anyway, since there is the possibility that she is using drugs.
     
  16. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    You are doing the right thing. I am doing the same with my son ( also 36) and the support of this forum is keeping me strong. Have you read the article on detaching and the book codependent no more by Melody Beattie? We need our kids to grow up. You have it harder than me as far as the grandchildren mine are with their mothers and my grandaughter is very much part of my life and right now I am allowed to see my grandson. His mother tells me this will stop when my son gets out of jail which may be soon. It is upsetting but I can not control it.
     
  17. Hopeful Nana

    Hopeful Nana Simple Life

    I just read the article on detaching . I probably can find the book at the library on codependency. Thank you for your response this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.
     
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome. I think for any of us here, detaching from our adult troubled children is the most difficult thing we've ever done.....no matter what level of detachment we're at. You're not alone. This stuff is devastatingly hard. However, in your case, as in many of ours too, it is absolutely necessary.

    In my opinion you're doing all the correct things, you're making good, healthy, positive choices for your own well being while allowing your daughter to face the consequences of her own behavior. Not easy to do. But if you and your daughter are to grow out of this unhealthy, patterned alliance, your choices may now facilitate that.

    It's time for your daughter to grow up and it's time for you to have your own life and begin to enjoy your retirement years.

    You might try reading the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. If you believe your daughter has mental illness issues, you might call NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they can be assessed online and they offer excellent free parent courses which are very helpful with resources, information, guidance and support. If your daughter is a substance abuser, many parents find solace in 12 step groups like Families Anonymous, Al Anon and Narc Anon.

    It's sad and unfortunate that your daughter finds it necessary to hold your grandkids as hostage over you, but that is a fairly common manipulative and cruel tactic used by our adult kids when they don't get what they want.

    You've begun the challenging disconnection from your daughters choices and behaviors......you've developed the strength to make the necessary changes....... good for you. You are removing her from your home, you are not permitting her the use of your car and you are willing to do whatever it takes to get your life back......I say BRAVO. You've awakened from this enabling FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).....and now you're taking action.

    This doesn't feel very good at the beginning, you're breaking old, dysfunctional behavior patterns....but stay the course, continue detaching, continue posting here, it helps. Keep yourself well supported. Put your needs and desires as the priority. You matter. You deserve a life of love and joy and peace. I'm glad you're here. You are not alone.
     
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  19. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

    You have done what you could to help your daughter. You have gone above and beyond what anyone should to help someone. You have made a very difficult decision in giving your daughter 30 day notice but it's really what is best for her and you.

    Please know and understand that you did not create the chaos that surrounds your daughter. The only thing you have done is enable her. It's very easy to do, we start out thinking we are helping our difficult adult child and before we know it, years have passed and we come to realize we are not helping but enabling.

    Now that you have made the decision to change things, be prepared. This is the time when our difficult adult children can be at their absolute worst. The will say and do anything to try and keep us in an enabling mode. While I'm sorry you had to move out of your own home, I'm glad that you are not there. You need to stay safe. Your daughter may go peacefully but she may also try and lash out.

    I am so glad you found us here!! This is a great site filled with many warrior parents who have so much to offer.

    Keep posting and let us know how you doing.

    ((HUGS)) to you................
     
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  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome.

    I'm glad you found us and you've gotten great advice.

    I'm glad you see a therapist. Do you have any other support such as a spouse or friends?

    We're here for you! I have not been through this but many have and there is a lot of great advice here.