Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Aug 13, 2009.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Last night - I got a letter in the mail from the Office of the caseworker. VERY important stamped on the outside. As if to say "You don't open your mail - so be sure to open this."

    So....I opened it this morning at breakfast. Inside is a letter. The letter said in essence - we had a meeting regarding your sons TCP (total care plan) you were not in attendence. Enclosed are the guidelines that must be met and your responsibilities for helping him attain those goals. Please be sure you do your part...etc...etc... signed by the director of the program. (real ink signature)

    Okay here's my brrrrrother problem...

    1.) I never got invited to the meeting - it's on the 18th of August, 2009.

    2.) The letter itself is DATED 8/18/2009. A tad futuristic aren't they?

    3.) If I'm going to be expected to do my part shouldn't I have been invited to the meeting to know what I am expected to do to help him attain those goals?

    4.) Last meeting I was told that he was 18 - I was no longer part OF his goal plan or TSP (total service plan) that it was HIS responsibility to meet his goals that they set.

    5.) The director SIGNED this - in ink....she could NOT have read this at all. AND it was sent to my home a week early without the plan that couldn't have been sent because it hasn't been written yet.

    WOW....nice one group - and I'm expected to attain goals? :mad:

    Would I love to write a letter back - :tongue:
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL...So I assume you are going to this meeting on the 18th right? Oh please say you are and that you are taking this letter with you!

    It is utter nonsense that you cannot be involved with his plan if he wants you to be a part of his plan. For goodness sakes, I am still involved with Cory's SSI because I am his payee. He cant even call in and change his I have to do that. He isnt competent enough to do that. Gag me. (though I am trying to figure out how he changed his address when I was in the hospital...hmmm)

    Just what are his goals? Are they realistic? I hate goals. They always sound so incredibly stupid. What are the foster parents goals and how are they going to be made to help him? Lets get this agency on the ball and get them held to the fire to have a goal to get him out of that home and into independent living!
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Me, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've got to go.

    This is so ridiculous it's almost funny.

  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Okay if you girls insist - I'll go. :faint:

    I wish I had that hand mirror like the woman in Romper Room...I'd take IT too. :tongue:
  5. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    OMG... Most definately go! Take the letter or better yet, make copies for everyone there and pass them out before the meeting adjourns. Also, do you have anything in writing that says you are no longer part of the team? Take copies of that too!

    I've seen some ridiculous stuff but this really takes the cake! (do you have ice cream to go with that???)
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    What idjitz they are!!!

    You simply MUST be there, and with copies and copies of whatever that said you are not part of his goals in any way.

    At the meeting, since the tfp even boxed up his clothes when he was gone less than 24 hours, stealing much of his stuff, the meeting should be about holding them liable and planning to get Dude into an independent living situation.

    I want to read the reply you would send (but won't send). I am SURE your response will be pithy, funny and really will hold their feet to the fire!
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Take pictures! :-D
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I would go and wear some futuristic outfit! :tongue:
    Yes, you've GOT to go and bring at least a little of your sense of humor with you.

    Love the ideas of having copies of the letter with you. Perhaps you can also copy the envelop it came in with the postage date on it. Geesh.

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    This is dooable .....

    I'm going to cover my car in tinfoil.

    Dude won't let me tell anyone about anything that goes on in that house citing "I'm the one that has to live there."

    The meeting? They scheduled that on HIS birthday - how nice. :ashamed:
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Now, that outfit would be PERFECT! LOL!!!!!!
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So does that mean Dude will now be 19? Already?
  12. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Wonder if it was suppose to be 07-18-09?

    Anyway, if it is 08/18/09, ask how in the world you are expected to do your part when you have no say in what that will be? You can not be told what to do - you also are a person. Such as (example only), if your part is to be available to transport to doctor appts, you better have input in what your availability will be. NO! You do not have to be 100% available when a doctor appointment is set up if you don't have input in date and time. You Know what I mean??

    I hope it is 08/18/09 - Now, don't say a word about this letter to anyone (we won't spill the beans) and watch the faces to determine which ones were behind this. The surprised ones will be the ones who tried not to invite you.

    Wait until after the meeting to present the letter. "O.K., now this meeting is over, I would like to address this letter that I am to receive in the mail tomorrow or the next day! What is going on with this?"
  13. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's unfortunate that they won't let you be part of the team.
    I am not difficult child's payee. I refuse. I don't want to be responsible for his finances.
    No how, no way.

    The team allows me involved as it makes their jobs easier in terms of communication. I always tell them, I'm just difficult child's memory. I direct the conversation to difficult child and so does the team. I'm included in all e mail correspondence so I can keep a record of what's going on.

    I'm sorry that they seem to be making a concerted effort to push you aside. I would absolutely write a letter. Documentation is important. I would address the topic of being told to stay out and now receive a letter that says I must be responsible for a plan that you have no say in and a meeting that hasn't happened. Send it to whoever signed it's supervisor as well as the signee. Publicly humiliating this person at the meeting would be a final step if the others steps don't work. The end result with appearing and ranting would be defensiveness and frustration all the way around.

    Keep your eye on the goal and just enjoy the fantasies on the site with your friends. In the end, you have bigger fish to fry for Dude.

    in my humble opinion of course.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I talked this over with DF and Dude last night. Dude was upset that I didn't get invited to the meeting. He of course, tells me it's on his birthday (again) and asks me to come. He said that I've been involved since day one, and that it may be that he's 18 going on 19 (yes Janet 19 next week) that they want him to take the responsibility for himself) as to why they say I'm to be "phased" out.

    I don't take offense as much as feel like they have been trying to sneak things past Dude. When they make moves without me being there they seem to manipulate him and when I find out what they are doing? It makes things more difficult and is NOT necessarily the best thing for him. When I'm there? I ask a LOT of questions and bring a lot of scenarios to the table. It takes time, and it makes them angry - but it's a life, my sons life we are talking about, not some kid in the system. Even if it were - why would you rush through it? THAT is why I was "phased" out. Not because he's an adult - but because they rush through things and I want answers to "Well what if's".

    The meeting on his birthday is to discuss the possibility of a move to the apartment. I don't believe it's going to happen. The kids there are very much more mature than Dude. I would describe them as street-wise, without a home. This is not Dude. They seemed nice enough, but the initial meeting with the supervisor of the program didn't go like Dude thought it would and he shut down. It's still all very up in the air, and if anything good has come from any of this I would say Dude is starting to see the things he's goofed off and goofed up in his life.

    With most of our kids it seems to come a little late - but I'll never say never. Dude told us last night he wants to go back to hs. At 19 with no hs credits I don't think this is a reality. We talked about a plan B - Getting a GED and asking the school to walk with the graduating class so he can have a cap/gown/tassle. I think that's what it's all about. He admits that trying to get a job without a diploma and being a felon is impossible. If he could get a diploma or GED - that would be one strike less. IF he could get the felony expunged in a few years (10) that would help him by the time he was in his 30's. Long term goal - but a goal. Proves to me he's been thinking.

    Then he teeters between one more year of probation and "I think I'm just going to disappear what do you think if I moved away - would it all go away, would they (courts) just forget about me? I hate it here." As a parent you try to think quick and say - well let's do the math. You have one year from TODAY of probation left...which means you are 2 thirds done. You've paid 2 thirds of your fines and have 1 third left to go. You have reported 2 thirds of your time and have only 1 third left to go you are over half done. Why would you throw that away to start all over OR possibly be in violation and get more than ten times that? Hoping and praying logic sinks in - he agreed. :anxious: And you may think it's a no-brainer but I was worried. Sometimes our kids just don't connect the dots. Makes you want to grab their arm and say 1 to 2 , then 2 to 3....and back to 1 DONE.....ugh.

    I also heard the desperation in his voice about this new bit of financial quagmire that he's in. The $1200.00 he owes in $153.00 bi-weekly..each month by Christmas. That's in conjuction with his OTHER fines of probation and court even if he's approved for social security disability - there is just NO way he'll have any money left to live on - and I think that's another reason they are nix'ing the apartments.

    So.....throw rocks or whatever but I called the court - and asked if he could do community service for the fines for the traffic tickets and they gave me a court date. At present if he doesn't pony up the $157 - he's going to jail. So...we've decided to pay this for him and let him work it off at our house. DF is not happy about it - but if he goes to jail for the fines - he violates the other probation and that could get him thirty years and well, to me it's not worth it. I don't understand the laws here - six kids robbed an armored car, with guns, and beat a man - it was the 3rd largest heist in the nations history-5.5 million dollars are unaccounted for and they are looking at possibly 9 - 25 years.....and my kid can't pay fines and is looking at 30 years? Again, no sense.

    So this is the update. I am going to go to the meeting. I will take the letter. I'm going to show it to them and I'm going to explain that as long as my son WANTS me to be a part of his decision making process I will be there. When HE chooses to not have me there, THEN I will accept no longer being part of his goals as they pertain to THEIR requirements, but as his Mother I will always have a concern with his future, because - I am his Mom and I love him, but will accept my roll as a healthy detached parent of a person with an emotional disability.

    Hows that?
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star...that is exactly how I treat Cory. He wants me with him when he goes somewhere like that. He wants me in important doctor visits. He wants me in first time therapy appointments. People have often wondered on here how I go to his psychiatrist or therapist appts but it is because he wants me there. He has signed those waivers. I am a part of his team. Actually, I signed a waiver so my psychiatrist and therapist can release info to all my family too, yes even Cory. I dont see a reason they cant know anything about me.

    I was remarking to Tony just last night on the injustices in the judicial system. Some woman in Florida attempted to hire a hitman to kill her husband. It turned out she hired an undercover cop instead. Her bail was $2500. She is out on house arrest at her mom's staying one mile from her terrified soon to be ex husband.

    $2500!!! That meant all they had to come up with was $250 for a bail bondsman. Corys bond for Driving while suspended was $10,000! Where is the sense in that? You can try to have your spouse killed but dont dare drive!
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    That's just it Janet -

    These six kids - 21 + -= put together this heist and stole over 9.9 MILLION dollars, beat this armored car man and he will never work again in driving a car, says he can't sleep is a wreck - they beat him with the pistol. They stole all that money - and only ONE left for NC.

    The others? Went to car dealerships here and bought cars for cash. Then went to strip clubs and paid the dancers in CASH....bought tattoos, and a few got their Moms, Mothers day gifts. Most of the money has not been recovered.....over 5.5 million is STILL unaccounted for and ALL of the boys have HIGH DOLLAR attorneys. The FBI and the US Marshalls said they will be watching the families for years to come - BUT.....

    They lawyers are calling these kids BUMBLING and not well planned....

    Um hello - McFly - THIRD LARGEST HEIST IN THE NATIONS HISTORY - and you say BUMBLING???? nada - then the kids got up and Gosh....It honestly tore my heart apart to think of the lives they wasted.....all college kids.....and how their parents must be scared to death for them. Looking at 25 years....Only 2 are currently sentenced at 25 years now....the other 4 are waiting. They asked the judge to be a light of reason. Give them nine years.

    So at 30 - they get out and will be able to LIVE on the interest from the 5.5 million? OMG - are they serious? Does everyone think they were really that stupid? Sit in jail for nine years to never work again? And my kid doesn't pay 157.00 and goes to jail for THIRTY?

    YEah - justice is not JUST.

  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Even 25 years to come out at 50...and live on the interest...I say that is a right nice investment. Im not so sure if you didnt ask Cory to do 25 years in prison for 5 million dollars if he wouldnt do it. I know he would do 9. Hands down. Hell I think I would. Thats a right nice paycheck.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911

    The story was in the State Newspaper - the attorney that is representing one of the boys? Is the same attorney that is SO proud of himself for finding underage drinking unconstitutional with the supreme court.

    Wants to drop the age of buying liquor and beer to 18 again. MADD is ready to skin him alive. They have college professors that have come forward and said there is NO scientific evidence that lowering the drinking age would harm or create a nation of drunks....but they had SCIENTISTS come forward and said that by not allowing kids to drink at 18 you are creating a nation FULL and ripe with closet alcoholics.

    The only people that have been, thus far against it (according to the papers sources) are the psychologists interviewed who said children at 18 do not have developed brains to handle alcohol and are burning off brain cells. (laughing to myself and thinking of some people I served as a bartender) I know some 30 year olds that can't handle it EITHER and are burning off brain cells.
  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Do let us know how the meetings goes. As long as it really is on the 18th, but it sounds like you checked with Dude.

    Honestly - what idiots!

    I'm wondering if someone fouled up in the office and sent you that letter a week too soon? Like, you weren't supposed to get notified of the meeting but they're going to rub your nose in it anyway...

    I suggest you not only ask your questions, but you make them wait while you write down their answers.

    I have actually taken my laptop computer into meetings with me, having quietly pre-set it to record surreptitiously. I sat there and typed their answers and frankly the recording could never be used anywhere because most of what you hear is my voice and the tapping of the keys, but if I listen really hard I can make out the answers enough to really make my own notes extremely accurate, word for word. And that terrifies people! I use a Mac, the software is Sound Studio, I can have the application open and recording then with two keystrokes I choose "hide" and it vanishes from the screen, leaving just my text file up that I'm typing into. But hidden doesn't mean not running...

    Go get 'em, Star.

  20. Vannin

    Vannin New Member

    Thanks for the tip on the computer, Marg, I'll file that away for future reference. I can see that it might also help to even things out, as often meetings seemed almost arranged to intimidate parents.