Bump in the road...

[PatriotsGirl]

As you know, when it is too good to be true.....well, it is too good to be true.

difficult child had a rough week and had an attitude. Ended up banned for 48 hours but was allowed to go back yesterday between 5 and 6pm. I didn't know about it until the morning after she had been banned and I was instantly freaking out. She told me she was staying with her sober friend (who really is sober) and that she was most definitely going back on Thursday because "believe it or not, I do not want to jeopardize my relationship with you all".

So yesterday I wake up and check the phone records and difficult child has been on the phone all night - that is always a sign to me that she is using. I call her and she says she is fine and that she has the power to heal and that she was healing. She sounded so clear like she has all month being sober that I believed her. I hear her preaching to others trying to get them to go to rehab so I thought that is what she had been doing.

So yesterday afternoon rolls around and I am trying to get a hold of her so I can bring her back. I can't reach her. I call her sober friend who told me that she did stay with him the first night but that last night she asked to be brought somewhere else and she stayed there. Instantly, I didn't feel good about this, I am panicking, but difficult child ended up calling me and I went to get her and we headed back to rehab. On the way she was telling me how sad she was to see her friends wasting their lives and how one friend has begun prostituting herself for drugs. She told me she was trying to get her to go to rehab, too, but that she was just not ready yet. The way she was talking made me proud - thought she was really trying to help people while she was out.

So then I get a text from the program director last night saying that difficult child had obviously relapsed. That she was very angry and argumentative. That it was normal in behavior modification and that she would be better in a few days. She just wanted me to be aware so we could all be in prayer. The director says she truly believes difficult child wants to be sober and help others. That the fact that she was honest with her and is back at the program is a huge positive sign and she is super proud of her but that the next few days are critical for difficult child's sobriety. She says recovery is a fluid motion constantly changing and that once in a while there can be a slip but as long as that person uses it to catapult them forward, it is just another chapter in the book of their sobriety.

Please pray my difficult child really wants her sobriety and gets back on track without getting banned from the program again...if she goes back to that life, I will have to turn my back on her. My health is not getting any better and I just can't put myself through this anymore.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Good thoughts being sent your way

Marcie

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi PG,
I was gone for a while due to power outages/Sandy, but I got internet and wanted to touch base.

When my difficult child was in the early stages of using, and we were asleep at the wheel, he would always try to throw us off track by denigrating other known users in the area, saying things like, "I don't want him NEAR our house, he's such a drug addict." He also used to say things like, "Why would anyone want to take drugs and drink, etc., it makes them stupid."

I was floored when we found out he was actually a big user and drinker while he was saying those things. I felt totally duped and I lost all respect for him for playing me like that, and haven't believed a word he said since then, without verification.

I'm hoping your daughter, who is hopefully more mature than my difficult child, said those things not so much to keep you off the trail, but as you said, more because she doesn't want to sever her relationship with and disappoint her family. I understand how invested you are, in every meaning of the word, in her making a sincere effort, and I keep you in my thoughts an prayers.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Hi PG,
I was gone for a while due to power outages/Sandy, but I got internet and wanted to touch base.

When my difficult child was in the early stages of using, and we were asleep at the wheel, he would always try to throw us off track by denigrating other known users in the area, saying things like, "I don't want him NEAR our house, he's such a drug addict." He also used to say things like, "Why would anyone want to take drugs and drink, etc., it makes them stupid."

I was floored when we found out he was actually a big user and drinker while he was saying those things. I felt totally duped and I lost all respect for him for playing me like that, and haven't believed a word he said since then, without verification.

I'm hoping your daughter, who is hopefully more mature than my difficult child, said those things not so much to keep you off the trail, but as you said, more because she doesn't want to sever her relationship with and disappoint her family. I understand how invested you are, in every meaning of the word, in her making a sincere effort, and I keep you in my thoughts an prayers.

I pray you are all okay after that storm!!

I think she truly wants to help others and I do believe she was proud of her sobriety. I just don't think she was able to say no if it was in front of her. Sadly, I blame her getting banned for it. I understand the director has to issue consequences but it makes me angry knowing full well the drug life is all difficult child knows. If she is kicked out of somewhere safe, where is she going to go but to what she knows???

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh and here is a kicker - another friend she was with (who I now believe helped her relapse) forwarded me a text last night that he had sent to her saying "Had a great time today!! I'm really amazed on the progress you have made!! Thank you!!" he said he wanted to forward that to me and let me know that the reason she is trying so hard is because she misses her family and that one day he would open up and tell me why he helps her out so much.

Now I want to ask him if he helped her relapse too?? Grrr.

I talked to the real sober friend yesterday when I couldn't reach her and he said he firmly believed she was for real and that her intentions were to go back to the program. I think he too would be shocked to find she relapsed...

 

[Nancy]

PG I'm sorry she relapsed but as the director said recovery is very fluid, it isn't a start and stop process.

I have sen this happen so many times, with my difficult child and many of the girls she was in treatment with. They become complacent in their recovery, they stop working hard and start getting into arguments with the other girls and testing the rules. Whether they are thinking about relapsing at this point or not only they can say, I tend to think they are. But they are conflicted because they are making friendships and building a support group around them and they like that. They actually like the sober community, it makes them feel welcome. They talk the talk and try to walk the walk. They think they can go back into the community and mesh the two together. They tell you they are associating with former friends to try to convince them to go into recovery. What they really want is the freedom to use (on a socially responsibly level they will tell you) while still maintaining the support group they have in recovery.

When difficult child left the second sober house she was in she moved in with a young lady who had been sober for two years and was very involved in the sober community. That made her think she would be ok but I am positive all the while she was already drinking. She put on a facade that she thought would made us feel better about her leaving the sober house. She started hanging out with people at AA meetings that were not serious about recovery and she constantly tried to convince us her contacts with current users was to get them into recovery. She began making friends on facebook with all the old drug users she knew before. When I asked her about it she said she was trying to get thim into recovery. Looking back on it I watched her recovery unravel before my eyes since I was going to AA meetings with her and I did check her cell phone records at the time and knew what was going on. Just recently when her cell phone was lost and she had to use an old one I read some texts she had during that time with one of her sober friends in which she told him she really wanted to go back to AA meetings because she missed the people but she couldn't because she was no longer sober. I believe she still feels that way but she just can't stay sober.

I'm not saying this to take away any hope that you have in her continuing her recovery, just to let you know this happens so many times but it doesn't have to mean the end of hope. I said the same as you did, if she relapsed I would have nothing more to do with her. I couldn't do that, but I could and did make it clear to her that I would not enable her in her substance abuse and would be there to support her if she decided to go back into recovery. I believe that is the main reason she never asks to move back home, because she knows we are smarter and wiser now and won't fall for her tricks and lies.

Your difficult child is back where she needs to be today. She will either decide to recommit herself to recovery or not, it has to be her choice, not because she knows she will disappoint you. I know it's good to hear but recovery has to be for her, not you. That was a very difficult thing for me to accept. I wanted to keep her sober and finally realized I couldn't and that she had to do it for herself because I would not always be there and then what would be her motivation.

I am praying for your daughter to have the strength to fight off the urges and demons and keep fighting for her sobriety.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you Nancy. You are SO right on. She is there today. I do not know what will happen tonight or tomorrow but I really need to stop being so invested. I was just so excited to see my real daughter coming back. The whole house believed in her. I haven't told husband and quite frankly, I don't want to. I don't think he nor easy child needs to know right now...husband would immediately shut down and not let her back in.

I have decided that I am not buying her anything more, though. I'm even torn on groceries at this point. Definitely no more clothes, etc. She has basics and she will need to live with that. I will pay the rent for each week that she is there but I am not doing more than that. I have blown through a lot of money this past month and now I feel like it has been for nothing. I was sitting there thinking how we would spend Christmas together and thinking about what I could get her - she wants an electronic cigarette to quit smoking and an acoustic guitar. I really don't want to buy a thing. I feel it may end up pawned at a pawn shop or traded for drugs. This has really disappointed me. I am losing hope that she is going to stay on track. Now I feel like it is a ticking time bomb and she may get thrown out this weekend by yelling at someone. Ugh. And the more stress I feel, the more my tummy hurts.

 

[Nancy]

Oh I so understand and your story brings back all those memories to me. I did the same thing you did, I was so invested in her recovery that I bought her food and took her shopping. I still have the picture on my phone of when I picked her up at the treatment center for her 6 hour pass. Because we lived 1 1/2 hours away I took her to a mall about a half hour away. We had a great time, just like old times. I bought her clothes and we at dinner at cheesecake factory and I took a picture of her and I sitting on a bench outside and we both looked so happy. That picture makes me cry everytime I look at it. I still remember what she was wearing that day. Then I took her back to the center and it was just a short time later that she relapsed and I felt like a fool. The counselors probably saw her coming in with all these bags of stuff and shook their heads having seen it many times before. I wanted it soooooo bad for her.

I had her future plannedout too, was so excited about the holidays coming and what possibilities were in front of her. I hated that once again I allowed myself to become more invested in her recovery than she was. But it's so hard when we want it so badly for them.

It's good to pull back. Let her work this out herself. You are a good mom. You did nothing more than every other parent who sees their child with that sparkle in their eyes that we longed to see for so many years and wants to keep it going.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Oh PG I am sorry she has relapsed... but you know it is so common and a part of the process. I know someone well who is a recovering addict and she recently relapsed after 4 years of recovery... it kind of shocked me because I was so proud of her work in recovery... but it did not last long and she got herself into detox and back into recovery quickly because she knew if she didnt she would not make it through again. So I agree it is part of the process... and I think it is huge that she so willingly went back to the sober house so quickly, that is a good sign.

And I also agree with you about your investment in her progress. I totally understand all that because I too at times have been very invested in the outcome. What I have recently come to realize is that part of letting go is letting go of the outcome... it is his life, his choices, and really all I can do is love him no matter what the outcome.

TL

 

[Signorina]

Thinking of you and I hope you are reassured by the wisdom of our board sisters who have been in your shoes.

The only thing I can add - and I am not sure if it makes much sense...

Our instincts as mothers is to look ahead...we wonder when our newborns will roll over and when they do - we wonder when they will sit up. When they crawl, we start anticipating the day they walk ... and so on. Even when we are trying to hold on to those precious moments, we do so in the idea that they are transient and building up to something.

As mothers of difficult children, we learn not to take refuge in the peace of their good spells, we have learned the hard way that we need to stay on our toes and to anticipate that the other shoe will soon fall. In fact, we are used to a deluge of shoes...(stinky, ugly shoes, not the GOOD kind of shoes LOL)

But - I think you need to take some refuge in HOW FAR difficult child HAS COME! So, it's not perfect, so it's a step back at this point - but it's been a LOT of steps in the right direction. And that's something.

{{hugs}}

 

[AmericanGirl]

PG,

I am very sorry.

You are doing the best thing for you and for her. If your health suffers, you cannot be there when you need to be. I know you know this.

Remember that sometimes we have to go down in order to come up. That was true for my difficult child in July when he relapsed and I am praying hard that is true now. She gets it because, if not, she couldn't "talk the talk" to her buddies. It's always harder to "walk the walk".

Sounds like the program director is highly capable.

I know you are scared. Try to remember her progress as it might help you balance out some of that fear.

Recovery, sadly, is a process not a destination.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You are all so right. I LOVE the wisdom on this board!!! The fact is, she didn't have to go back. She could have said no, and stayed where she was. But she didn't. She went back and was honest to the director that she relapsed.

She has only had one text outgoing today and no phone calls. Probably sleeping it off. Hopefully she wakes up ready to work...

 

[FlowerGarden]

Sending hugs and positive thoughts

 

[AnnieO]

PG, I too am hoping it was just a bump... I am going to liken this to something so not the same but in a way it is. It is still addiction. With me it was nicotine. Now that is socially more acceptable but I tried and tried and tried to quit. I was glad I never got into any kind of drugs or even alcohol, because I can become addicted easily (including to people, or certain things...). Anyway - I quite literally tried and tried and tried, and something always set me back. I never, ever, ever expected to make it through my pregnancy, or especially after, nicotine free. I knew I would TRY. I'm still marveling, husband smokes - not in the house - and I haven't yet even really wanted to.

BUT my point is, yes, it's a bump, and I am hoping and praying that it is ONLY a bump.

 

[lovemysons]

PG,
Only have a minute but wanted you to know that I am praying for your daughter to stick with the program of recovery.

Be good to you!
hugs,
LMS

 

[recoveringenabler]

PG, I agree with what everyone has said. The therapy I'm in is with the director of a huge chemical dependency program so all the group leaders and therapists have expertise in the recovery process as well as codependency. In my group some of the participants are dealing with substance abuse as you are. I've listened to a lot of talk about this for a year now. Over and over everyone says relapse is a PART of recovery. If we were to not judge it and allow it to unfold in an organic way, we wouldn't have expectations that when not met cause us pain. When they relapse, I've been told, they still have everything they learned and are one step higher on the sobriety path. It's not lost, perhaps put aside at times, but it's not lost.

I just listened to my therapist tell me that recovery for the codependent is when your child/husband/wife/whomever is up or down or sideways or in jail or happy or sad or using or not,.....whatever, and none of that has a negative impact on you. You remain intact and able to continue in your own life. You are detached. That we can live our own life and the antics of the other play no role in our well being. She said, 'that is recovery.' (from codependency) Then in my group we had a very good conversation about how that all relates to being a mother of a substance abuser or a mentally ill child, since to us, it seems so much harder to detach from your own child then anyone else in your life. But still necessary.

It really is one day at a time. It's so hard for them, their brains are altered, stopping the substance when your brain screams for it, takes a lot of courage, commitment and time. Your difficult child made one bad choice and a lot of good choices. It's a good ratio, it sounds to me like she's really trying hard. I like what TL said "What I have recently come to realize is that part of letting go is letting go of the outcome... it is his life, his choices, and really all I can do is love him no matter what the outcome." I think those are words of wisdom, and I believe they offer us peace.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you all. I am trying very hard to detach right now. I tested positive for that stupid H Pylori and I am pretty sure I have an ulcer. That on top of diverticulitis. Need to make sure I am eating right and eliminating stress!! I haven't tried to reach her and don't think I am going to. It is up to her what she does with this chance. I have no control. All I can do is hold my boundaries and pray....

 

[Signorina]

{{{thinking of you with lots of hugs}}}}} Sometimes we need to remember to put on our own oxygen masks first.

 

[buddy]

Sending more prayer and positive hopes for difficult child and for your health to improve. Many HUGS, Dee

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Good morning everyone! I need advice....I have not spoken to her since I brought her back on Thursday. I have not called her, texted her, etc. I am not sure if she knows that I know that she relapsed. Normally she would text or call me just to say hi but she hasn't. I forced myself not to check on her or check the phone records all weekend. I have not heard anything. Not one word. So as far as I know, she is still there, but I don't know for sure. To be honest, I avoided texting the program director to ask. I just want to stay as far away from stress as I possibly can.

My question is, how do I approach this? I still feel really disappointed and even a bit angry about her relapse. I am not sure I can mask that when talking to her. Do I let her know that I know? Do I address it? Thanksgiving is next week and if she is still in treatment, I plan on having her here for the day. However, I would want her to be here, and not go anywhere else until I am ready to take her back to sober living. I just don't trust her.

Any advice on how to handle the relapse?

Thank you!!