Burnt OUT !!!!

[MrMike]

Haven't posted for awhile. difficult child has been home for about 2 weeks, and we're all sick of him. Got him to visit a friend the other day, so he's gone now for a few days anyway. Have been trying to enforce our house rules. He breaks some of them. Just so burned out emotionally at his point ... having trouble getting things done at work, doing nothing at home. Exhausted.

Still seeing counselor for ourselves. That helps, but just so exhausted at this point, need to recharge somehow and figure out what our next course of action will be with our difficult child. Kicking him out has humbled him somewhat, but after awhile (2 weeks) at home, he seems to revert to his old ways. Maybe he gets bored/frustrated doing nothing at home ... maybe he just gets too comfortable at home and then naturally reverts to his old ways ... ?? I dont know.

We are thinking of buying a used, inexpensive, camping trailer that he can live in when we kick him out for bad behavior, or maybe just have him live in it full time. It will be located on our property (we have about 1.5 acres). It will be a temporary living situation for him until we get him public assistance. We are working with our local NAMI representative, taking the steps to apply for public health insurance and public SSI benefits, etc. Not easy, but hoping that we can get all these things for him so he can quality for a public assitance type living situation on his own. We certainly don't want him living with us any longer than necessary.

Currently taking the NAMI family to family course being taught in our area. It is great. The teachers are great, and one of them is the local NAMI representative I spoke of. What a Godsend to have this support right now. Wish the course wasn't over in a few weeks.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Just so tired and down right now. Hoping I can recharge somehow and regroup to fight this problem (difficult child situation) again.

 

[dstc_99]

I hate that burnt out feeling! I am there myself as well. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[DaisyFace]

Mr mike -

Just a question - Will your son qualify for public assistance if he is living at your address? Many times, they go by household income. I'm sure your income makes him ineligible.

 

[MrMike]

DaisyFace,

I don't think that will be a problem. I will ask for help from my NAMI friend about how to fill out the application. Besides, I'm not sure this will be an issue. The main thing you need in my state is a diagnosis from a psychologist/psychiatrist that he has a certain mental health disorder (not sure yet which ones quality him for public assitance). We think he has either bipolar or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but we'll let the psychologist decide what he has. He definitely has some disorder, that's for sure. It could even be some form of schizophrenia, I dont know.

Once we have the diagnosis, we'll be more than halfway there I think. It's just getting there that's going to take a lot of work.

 

[MrMike]

Best of luck to you too dstc! I think it's only natural that we get burnt out due to our difficult child situations. Going in and out of crisis mode burns us out.
And we need to take a break from dealing with our difficult child in order to recharge a little for the next round.

 

[InsaneCdn]

a used, inexpensive, camping trailer that he can live in when we kick him out for bad behavior, or maybe just have him live in it full time.

My suggestion? PLAN it as plan A, not as a back-up plan. Just have him live in it full time, and treat it as a transition step to assisted living of some sort... he needs to learn how to handle some independence and you need some space.

 

[BusynMember]

Mr. Mike, I have nothing useful to add, but I want to tell you how very sorry I am that you are so tired out and that I completely, completely, completely understand and empathize with you.

 

[recoveringenabler]

MrMike, welcome back. I can relate to your exhaustion and burn out, there is nothing else to compare it with, it is absolutely depleting. I'm sorry you continue through this maze. I am very happy to hear you're still in counseling and that you're taking the NAMI course, it is such a source of support.........good for you.

I think it's quite common for our kids to resort to their negative behavior as soon as they are comfortable...........within a short amount of time, they are usually right where they left off before they were kicked out.

I completely agree with IC about the camping trailer being plan A while you wait on the next step. Each day you have to show up for this kind of stuff is another day of exhaustion. You weren't here when my difficult child lived here with us, but at one point she was living in a large tent on my back patio (we had a lot of laughs about it at the time, it was surreal) ............but just that distance, with her out of our immediate environment was so helpful. Ultimately, she was even unable to stay in the tent.............but it provided the space for the rest of us to breathe. One thing I have noticed about many of our difficult child's is that even when on good behavior, they suck all the air out of the room ............it felt to me like I was gasping for air sometimes............just the freedom to relax and not be on guard in your own home........... without that ability to relax, it just takes so much out of you.

You continue to do all the right things, getting all the ducks in order, keeping yourself well supported, you're doing a really great job of it all. And, then there's your difficult child right there with you and the time it will take to get all of this ironed out..................best to keep him safely tucked away on your property in a little trailer...........that sounds completely doable to me and will keep the rest of you somewhat comfortable and peaceful.

Sending good thoughts that it all works out.........

 

[scent of cedar]

We made a room in the garage for difficult child son. The camper idea is excellent.

We know that feeling of lethargy too, Mr. Mike. Another name for it is depression. It happens when none of the choices we are presented with are good ones. If you take action on that camper idea, the heaviness will lift a little, because you will be taking back control of your own lives.

You are doing well. Coping with your son, hoping he comes around, feeling so disappointed that he can't seem to do that ~ this is all so hard to face. If there is something you and your wife can do together away from the house ~ a Sunday afternoon drive, an overnight road trip ~ anything where you physically drive away from the immediate area, you will find that it helps you recover some perspective.

It was good to hear from you, again. I am sorry your son has not been able to take advantage of everything you have tried to make possible for him.

Cedar

 

[MrMike]

Thanks everyone for your comments, nice to speak with you all again. What a cool group of people you all are. Wish we lived close enough to each other so we could have a get-together and have some laughs about our difficult child's. That would be a hoot.

RE, your comment about how your difficult child "sucking all the air out of the room" really hit home. It is so true. I wonder/marvel at why they have that effect. They really and truly do create an atmosphere like no other. And you're right, you can't relax. You can't breathe. I just am stunned by the similarity of all our experiences here on this site with our difficult children. I wonder what it is about them that has that effect on everyone around them. I know with mine, it is his agression and lack of empathy for people around him. It's like the normal govenor people have on their ego's that keeps them from becoming a total dictator is missing in him. He's actually always been that way since he was little. You needed to put a brick wall in front of him in order to communicate the idea of "No" to him. At the time, I thought it was just that he was a strong-willed child. But now I realize that was probably part of the abnormal wiring of his brain that has driven his present-day condition.

But yeah RE, you hit the nail right on the head. They take the air right out of the room. Weird, Sad, Scary, but true.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I think we give them a lot of power over us, they are so forceful and at times scary in their self aggrandizement that they appear to be bigger then life............but it's like the wizard of Oz, as they have less power over us, as we don't allow their antics to rule, they become smaller and less likely to suck all the air out of the room. With missing components like empathy and compassion, I think the other components grow larger and gain strength.

I had to laugh about your comment about putting a brick wall in front of your son, it made me think of a moment when my daughter was about 8 and the Rolling Stones song came on.........."you can't always get what you want"............and she looked at me and said, "what does that mean?" She was a 'dictator' and I allowed it, so that persona grew to epic proportions and turned dark. The really negative side to enabling.