But H says there is nothing wrong

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by idohope, Nov 4, 2010.

  1. idohope

    idohope Member

    Exhausted after an afternoon of crying and yelling from difficult child. Had a big project due at school for a special evening open house. She was having major anxiety about the project for weeks now. I eventually picked up her project to bring to the car and she smacked it out of my hand where it separated into 3 pieces on the floor. The project was fine, it could easily be put back but she was hysterical and the open house was now starting. At her insistence we drove to the school, she found her teacher, who could see that she had been crying, and with me pantomining over her head, he said well bring in the pieces and we will see what we can do. So we went back home and got the pieces and she set it up and a friend helped her put on her costume and she was fine. But told me she needed me to stay the whole time. H was home this whole time. He took easy child 2 upstairs while the crying and hysteria was going on. I am totally fried.

    The recent recommendation from the neuropsychologist was family therapy to help rebalance the power in our family and to try to engage difficult child in the therapy process. Medication was also recommended if we could get difficult child to take it. H does not want to go to family therapy and does not want to medicate. He says that she is improving and so we should do nothing.

    How many hours a day does difficult child need to be hysterical for him to think there is a problem? How many activities that are supposed to be fun for kids need to be traumatic events before he thinks we need to do something. How many professionals need to tell us that difficult child needs help. Why doesn't he want to help her? I will make sure that she gets the help she needs despite any roadblock that he (or difficult child) puts in front of me but at some point I will not be able to forgive him for not being there when she needed him.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    It's really rough when a husband is not on board or is hiding their head in the sand.

    What helped with my husband.............. I made him go to every doctor appointment. No ifs ands or buts. I found information about dxes and had him read them. Actually though, it was the docs that finally got through to him.
  3. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry he's blind to the problems. You may have to put your foot down with husband at some point to make him get involved in the process. Perhaps he is in denial....some people are like that because they feel that it's a reflection on them.

    You'll have to put on your warrior mom suit and get her the help she needs. Hugs
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    When we started taking difficult child to a therpist my husband really had nothing to do with the process. Hell, three years later and the man has been in the therpist's office two times! Whoopee!! He did not want to go the medications route, either, but I have to be honest when I said that he had no choice. In my opinion parenting my difficult child was becoming impossible, and since I was the one who did all of the parenting I was going to get my way. I'm not usually like that, but I needed help, and if help came in the form of medications for difficult child then that was what I was going to do.

    If you can get her to agree to medications, I say do it, even if your H is not on board with the decision. It's clear that she needs more help than controlling her emotions that she is getting right now. As my psychiatrist explained it, they may not need them forever. With growth and maturity she may be able to handle herself better as she gets older.

    Our therapist called it "family therapy" as well, but I want to ask many times how it's "family" therapy if DHG does not participate? I get just as frustrated. I know exactly how you feel.

  5. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I am another one that had to insist on medications and later diet changes for my kids over husband's reservations. For a while, I thought the diet change was going to end in divorce, but it had to be done. My husband has come around and even does "the diet" himself now.
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Well, if you want to play "dirty pool", you could always point out that there could be allegations of medical neglect made if the professionals deem something necessary and he refuses to provide it. In truth, I don't think that they can do that for therapy, but HE might not be aware of it.

    A lot of Dad's don't want to participate in "head shrinking" because they perceive it to be a "blame festival" at their expense. This type of therapy sounds more educational (taking back control of the household) rather than laying on a couch proclaiming that everything is going wrong because he hates his mother. It seems a lot of people think of therapy in the old movies portrayal.

  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    You do what your child needs to get better. It's our instinct to do it. In my heart, it is a primary force that nothing can stop no matter how sullen others may be about the process.
    Good luck on getting everyone on board. Ask yourself "what does my child need?" and do it.
  8. idohope

    idohope Member

    Thank you all for your replies. The support is always appreciated. I will get the help for difficult child. I have been doing it for years now. But I just can not tolerate any more how H does not want to deal with it and keeps saying she will be fine and he can not be bothered with more therapy. That it cuts into sports time (for him). easy child 1 struggles so much and keeps asking why dont we do more to help difficult child (because of the huge impact difficult child has on our lives) and its all I can do some days to keep from screaming that everything takes twice as long because I have to do it myself, or take the time to get H on board or stop him from working against anything put in place. He has gone to doctor appts. If he does agree to do anything in the office he does not follow through once we are home. Two pyschologists, a neuropychologist, and a pyschiatrist have all explained that difficult child has an illness and that she needs help and medication to lead a normal life and he does not seem to get it or care about her life. It is all about him. If her behavior is out of control then it is poor him and what he has to deal with in having a child like that and if she having a good day then it is see there is no problem...It is so hurtful to me and I hurt for difficult child that he does not want to do what it takes to help her.

    Thank you again for your responses.