My son (16) just called me from rehab. He's be there 6 days. I'm crying. Not sure why I feel so heart broken. Something is just kicking in. How I have been feeling is just like there's too much life coming at me, like it all needs to slow down. Like I need a week to lay on my sofa. While I know that a week on my sofa would not be good for me. No part of this this journey is easy. The other version of how I've been feeling is great-- happy, rested. When I saw my therapist he commented that he didn't think I had my head wrapped around exactly how much of a toll gig takes on me. I've been thinking about that a lot. I was just really smiley, relaxed--different, without really knowing why. And none of that fits with what I just said about feeling so desperately like I need a rest…. I've been thinking about how alonon has so much in it about not letting others effect ones well-being…. but that I am very effected-- so I feel like I'm wrong…. And I'm thinking about a spiritual leader I talked to about the situation and his response about 1) boundaries-- if someone is sometimes a abusive they shouldn't be living with you (but he has no kids and doesn't get that that is not the way it rolls with a kid, and that kids aren't so easy to get rid of, even if you try…) and 2) acceptance-- not thinking it's going to be different. But I feel soooo *safe* in my home tonight. gig hasn't been particularly violent of for a long time but my nervous are somehow just shot…. or there's something wrong with me where I am not the person who lives well in a family-- I need to be alone. I need an ocean of alone time, at least, to make up for all **&^ that I had been through. So…. he's never called me to chat before-- in his life. In my life. We don't have dinner table conversation-- there is no model to apply. He's very doped up. They have him on (I'm going to misspell of these) seriquil, gabapentan, zoloft, clonidine, and vistaril. I think that's why he wanted to talk to me. It felt a bit awkward to try and have a chat. He's says he feels very anxious in that place and that's why he's on all that…. How can I not just cry? How much is there something wrong? How much does he just want to be numbed, however possible? ……..