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<blockquote data-quote="dayatatime" data-source="post: 637803" data-attributes="member: 17805"><p>I've been at all this for a lot of years. It started with getting away from GIF's Dad, who controlled what I wore, to whom I spoke, what I ate, what music I listened to, etc. GIF was in middle school then and that's when the trouble started with him. I've lost track of time but it's been 5-6 years of more or less constant turmoil. In that I have come to see drama as just boring-- or, when I am at my healthiest that's the way it appears. Right now I suspect I am leaning into it some in the face of the shock-- shock at seeing my therapist and talking about stuff like maybe attending a party! Brave forays into picking up some social life. I have a stable life for the most part. A job. A dog. I call the police when I am mistreated, even by my son. </p><p></p><p>Codependant No More has done me a lot of good, and I will look into the one on boundaries-- getting some understanding of those has been a game changer, but it's always a process…</p><p></p><p>I do know how to make hard choices. And I spend a lot of time thinking -- ha!-- I can spot my own error there-- trying to think my way through something that isn't intellectual as much as it is spiritual…. maybe.</p><p></p><p>Point is that it's hard not to do the black and white. </p><p></p><p>What happened last time GIF was away for a bit (juvenile detention for violating the limited order of protection that forbids him from behaving in a threatening manner toward me-- then a couple weeks with Dad until CPS shut that down….) (If you saw me you would never in a bazillion years suspect that this is my life….) … so he was away then he was being nice and his Dad was treating him poorly so he came back and my mental health, which had been great when he was away, became scary. Because CPS was already around, with my blessing, my therapist reached out to them to see what they could do-- if they could take him for a while. Somehow it's sinking in just now that I did that-- that it was that bad-- and that couldn't have been more than three/four months ago. They offered a voluntary placement, but I didn't do it in the end bc I thought it would be too dangerous for GIF-- that he'd run away and things would just spiral more. Instead, my medications got switched around, GIF calmed down, I got used to not having the peace I had when he was away…. </p><p></p><p>Shortly after GIF got into a hospital based day treatment program. It was wonderful. He was making friends. (He hadn't been to school for over year, and had no friends). Only, the only thing he knows how to do with friends is get high, so that's what he did. And the program's only rule is don't get high with other kids from here. Programs just push him around so easily. He was out. Because I already have a judge involved (see above mentioned willingness to call the cops)…. he got that he was going to have to go inpatient. So he's there. The clinical rec from day treatment was a year long residential program. He negotiated for a month. I feel very, very, very guilty, but I think I should be interfering, trying to get the month place to discharge him to a year long. I have two avenues-- GIF's probation officer and my therapist. I know the day treatment has already made the year long rec. Because I have the judge in place I might be able to get the year mandated…… </p><p></p><p>It just breaks my heart. Because there is also so much good in him. Because we do sometime get along.</p><p></p><p>And because, more than anything else, I feel very confused about to what extent it's just really hard to have a kid. Isn't it normal for a kid, particularly a 16 year old, to exert a terrible toll on the well-being of parents? </p><p></p><p>On one hand I have done a brilliant job of putting a lot of stuff in place where I kind of have him cornered (legally, and through family court, not criminal, which a big grace….). If he needs a year, he needs a year. Our insurance will pay for it. But I also think maybe *I* need a year. ……but how can I push my gorgeous, most beautiful thing I've ever seen, little man away like that? Somehow the way through seems to be about trying to hold the threatening, nasty ill person and the other version in my head at the same time. It's the greatest challenge of my life-- not just with him, but with others too. And hold myself well and myself not well together in my head. …...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dayatatime, post: 637803, member: 17805"] I've been at all this for a lot of years. It started with getting away from GIF's Dad, who controlled what I wore, to whom I spoke, what I ate, what music I listened to, etc. GIF was in middle school then and that's when the trouble started with him. I've lost track of time but it's been 5-6 years of more or less constant turmoil. In that I have come to see drama as just boring-- or, when I am at my healthiest that's the way it appears. Right now I suspect I am leaning into it some in the face of the shock-- shock at seeing my therapist and talking about stuff like maybe attending a party! Brave forays into picking up some social life. I have a stable life for the most part. A job. A dog. I call the police when I am mistreated, even by my son. Codependant No More has done me a lot of good, and I will look into the one on boundaries-- getting some understanding of those has been a game changer, but it's always a process… I do know how to make hard choices. And I spend a lot of time thinking -- ha!-- I can spot my own error there-- trying to think my way through something that isn't intellectual as much as it is spiritual…. maybe. Point is that it's hard not to do the black and white. What happened last time GIF was away for a bit (juvenile detention for violating the limited order of protection that forbids him from behaving in a threatening manner toward me-- then a couple weeks with Dad until CPS shut that down….) (If you saw me you would never in a bazillion years suspect that this is my life….) … so he was away then he was being nice and his Dad was treating him poorly so he came back and my mental health, which had been great when he was away, became scary. Because CPS was already around, with my blessing, my therapist reached out to them to see what they could do-- if they could take him for a while. Somehow it's sinking in just now that I did that-- that it was that bad-- and that couldn't have been more than three/four months ago. They offered a voluntary placement, but I didn't do it in the end bc I thought it would be too dangerous for GIF-- that he'd run away and things would just spiral more. Instead, my medications got switched around, GIF calmed down, I got used to not having the peace I had when he was away…. Shortly after GIF got into a hospital based day treatment program. It was wonderful. He was making friends. (He hadn't been to school for over year, and had no friends). Only, the only thing he knows how to do with friends is get high, so that's what he did. And the program's only rule is don't get high with other kids from here. Programs just push him around so easily. He was out. Because I already have a judge involved (see above mentioned willingness to call the cops)…. he got that he was going to have to go inpatient. So he's there. The clinical rec from day treatment was a year long residential program. He negotiated for a month. I feel very, very, very guilty, but I think I should be interfering, trying to get the month place to discharge him to a year long. I have two avenues-- GIF's probation officer and my therapist. I know the day treatment has already made the year long rec. Because I have the judge in place I might be able to get the year mandated…… It just breaks my heart. Because there is also so much good in him. Because we do sometime get along. And because, more than anything else, I feel very confused about to what extent it's just really hard to have a kid. Isn't it normal for a kid, particularly a 16 year old, to exert a terrible toll on the well-being of parents? On one hand I have done a brilliant job of putting a lot of stuff in place where I kind of have him cornered (legally, and through family court, not criminal, which a big grace….). If he needs a year, he needs a year. Our insurance will pay for it. But I also think maybe *I* need a year. ……but how can I push my gorgeous, most beautiful thing I've ever seen, little man away like that? Somehow the way through seems to be about trying to hold the threatening, nasty ill person and the other version in my head at the same time. It's the greatest challenge of my life-- not just with him, but with others too. And hold myself well and myself not well together in my head. …... [/QUOTE]
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