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<blockquote data-quote="dayatatime" data-source="post: 637962" data-attributes="member: 17805"><p>I needed to hear that reply--that it is not normal for kids to cost parents so much wellbeing. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes my own spiritual ideals get in the way. First, that was a spiritual misunderstanding manifesting as a total lack of boundaries. Now I can guilt myself with ideals about how I might just accept the facts and carry on-- not let the external throw off my internal wellbeing. Seeing myself flourish in difficult child's absence is a lesson that he was interfering with my wellbeing. I don't want to interpret as a failure of my own, but it's really, really hard. </p><p></p><p>TL! I worked freelance forever and just got a regular job a year ago. I hadn't even connected that him being away is TOTALLY related my sudden lack of eagerness to leave the house and go to work… why the thoughts that going back to freelance are popping up.</p><p></p><p>I won't make make any sudden moves, and but…. wow. </p><p></p><p>I asked one friend who has a easy child (only child, like mine) if she thought it was normal for all kids to cost wellbeing and she said yes. Her problems don't compare in magnitude to mine, but her suffering does. If pain is only pain and suffering is just fighting pain, not accepting…. if she could except more--cause less drama herself-- then it seems like I should be able to too. I've tried again and again and I've done plenty of good, largely by protecting boundaries… but here I am, happier with him away from me. </p><p></p><p>I talked to another friend with 2 PCs and she told me how sad she was that her kids were growing up. I can't wrap my head around that. 17 months until he's 18. Though I have learned from reading around here</p><p>that that also means the last 17 months I have a strong say. …..I worry, though, that he has prolonged his childhood by being so far behind in school. I would love to see him get a regular high school diploma, but that would take another 3 1/2 years…. that 17 months suddenly becomes well over 40 months. This is again where with a year long break, maybe I could make it through. I laugh, Nancy, every time I read the thing about how I sound centered. Thank you, but centered is just one of many states of my mind<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> </p><p></p><p>This is the thing: from the time difficult child was (born?) my reaction was that I was so glad that I didn't know what having a kid was like because if I knew, there's NO WAY I would have had one…. but I'm so glad to have him, so I'm glad I didn't know. But other people had kids then thought it was a good idea to have more. I was baffled. </p><p></p><p>Having had that experience, and feeling the toll from round about day one-- that's where I tend to think I am the problem. Maybe I caused him into that role. Certainly, being raised in a marriage as unhealthy as mine was was a factor-- and a factor in why I found it so difficult to have a child from day one…. </p><p></p><p>That's all stuff that I will keep sitting with for the foreseeable future. What remains on the plate now is now.</p><p></p><p>I got another call. difficult child was with the MD, they were altering his medications again-- adding a muscle relaxant. He said he didn't feel as doped up as he did when he first started the Seroquel, and he sounded less doped up. He went in saying that the first thing he was going to do when he got home is smoke a blunt. On the phone he told me that time was going quickly and he was enjoying his sobriety. That phrase "enjoying sobriety" sounded like such a canned line that he had taken in and meant, but like it wasn't really him and I don't trust it. So I asked, so are you still planning on getting high when you get out? He said no and, again, at the moment he said it I'm sure he meant it.</p><p></p><p>My take away from the conversation was that maybe I should give him another chance. He went the rehab once before but it was too close to the house and there was less pressure from the judge so he just ran away and came home (I perceive him as a boomerang). He was at the last one less than 12 hours. So this is the first time he's really been and maybe it's helping him. </p><p></p><p>When I shared the conversation with the friend with 2 PCs she took away--maybe he needs to stay for a very long time. I just waiver between giving him another chance at home and letting him fail out of that or pushing for the year long now….. and just because I push doesn't mean I will get it…. </p><p></p><p>I will say though that that is all in the back of my mind. I had a peaceful, meditative day. I continue to feel myself unwind into the peace and feel fearful about getting too unwound then difficult child coming back. Sort of like, maybe it's safer not to see peace until I can have it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dayatatime, post: 637962, member: 17805"] I needed to hear that reply--that it is not normal for kids to cost parents so much wellbeing. Sometimes my own spiritual ideals get in the way. First, that was a spiritual misunderstanding manifesting as a total lack of boundaries. Now I can guilt myself with ideals about how I might just accept the facts and carry on-- not let the external throw off my internal wellbeing. Seeing myself flourish in difficult child's absence is a lesson that he was interfering with my wellbeing. I don't want to interpret as a failure of my own, but it's really, really hard. TL! I worked freelance forever and just got a regular job a year ago. I hadn't even connected that him being away is TOTALLY related my sudden lack of eagerness to leave the house and go to work… why the thoughts that going back to freelance are popping up. I won't make make any sudden moves, and but…. wow. I asked one friend who has a easy child (only child, like mine) if she thought it was normal for all kids to cost wellbeing and she said yes. Her problems don't compare in magnitude to mine, but her suffering does. If pain is only pain and suffering is just fighting pain, not accepting…. if she could except more--cause less drama herself-- then it seems like I should be able to too. I've tried again and again and I've done plenty of good, largely by protecting boundaries… but here I am, happier with him away from me. I talked to another friend with 2 PCs and she told me how sad she was that her kids were growing up. I can't wrap my head around that. 17 months until he's 18. Though I have learned from reading around here that that also means the last 17 months I have a strong say. …..I worry, though, that he has prolonged his childhood by being so far behind in school. I would love to see him get a regular high school diploma, but that would take another 3 1/2 years…. that 17 months suddenly becomes well over 40 months. This is again where with a year long break, maybe I could make it through. I laugh, Nancy, every time I read the thing about how I sound centered. Thank you, but centered is just one of many states of my mind:) This is the thing: from the time difficult child was (born?) my reaction was that I was so glad that I didn't know what having a kid was like because if I knew, there's NO WAY I would have had one…. but I'm so glad to have him, so I'm glad I didn't know. But other people had kids then thought it was a good idea to have more. I was baffled. Having had that experience, and feeling the toll from round about day one-- that's where I tend to think I am the problem. Maybe I caused him into that role. Certainly, being raised in a marriage as unhealthy as mine was was a factor-- and a factor in why I found it so difficult to have a child from day one…. That's all stuff that I will keep sitting with for the foreseeable future. What remains on the plate now is now. I got another call. difficult child was with the MD, they were altering his medications again-- adding a muscle relaxant. He said he didn't feel as doped up as he did when he first started the Seroquel, and he sounded less doped up. He went in saying that the first thing he was going to do when he got home is smoke a blunt. On the phone he told me that time was going quickly and he was enjoying his sobriety. That phrase "enjoying sobriety" sounded like such a canned line that he had taken in and meant, but like it wasn't really him and I don't trust it. So I asked, so are you still planning on getting high when you get out? He said no and, again, at the moment he said it I'm sure he meant it. My take away from the conversation was that maybe I should give him another chance. He went the rehab once before but it was too close to the house and there was less pressure from the judge so he just ran away and came home (I perceive him as a boomerang). He was at the last one less than 12 hours. So this is the first time he's really been and maybe it's helping him. When I shared the conversation with the friend with 2 PCs she took away--maybe he needs to stay for a very long time. I just waiver between giving him another chance at home and letting him fail out of that or pushing for the year long now….. and just because I push doesn't mean I will get it…. I will say though that that is all in the back of my mind. I had a peaceful, meditative day. I continue to feel myself unwind into the peace and feel fearful about getting too unwound then difficult child coming back. Sort of like, maybe it's safer not to see peace until I can have it. [/QUOTE]
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