Called the Police on Son. Long post.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DazedandConfused, May 26, 2009.

  1. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    The last few months have been overall Hades for me. Too much that I could probably write a novel just about the past two. Then again, most of us here probably could.

    Saturday I did something I never thought I would ever do when it came to my kids-call the police. Son was raging and attacking me and told me to go ahead and call the police. I’ve threatened before, but his attitude was so cavalier that I made the call. I can’t even describe the despair I felt having to make that call.

    What was it over? 50 bucks.

    He lied to me about how he got it.

    He came to my work and announced, “Look what I got for doing some yard work with my friend for one of his neighbors!”

    However, I noticed that he wasn’t dirty. Or, should I say, no dirtier than usual. I asked him and he told me he “washed my hands”.

    Then later, at home, he tells me that he was only paid 30 bucks and that he found the other 20 on the ground by a car.

    Later after that husband calls me and says “I think Son should give back that money his friends gave to him”.


    Then husband tells me what Son told HIM. That story is that a good friend handed him an envelope before PE. Son didn’t open it. Friend told him that it was for his birthday next month and since he was not going to see him because school is out, here is something for your birthday. Son swears he didn’t know how much it was until after school when he opened the envelope. He also swears that he spoke to his friend and said “are you sure that it is okay?” Friend’s Mom supposedly said it was okay too.

    I managed to get the money from him and he just lost it. There was no explaining. Talking to him was like talking to a wall. Screaming, yelling, and crying, “It’s MY money! It was my birthday present!” All evening he threatened, begged, and demanded the money back. He would stop and then seek me out again to try and wear me down some more. If I would have had any alcohol in the house, I probably would have gotten falling down drunk I was such a nervous wreck.

    He’s been horrible lately. He ruined a Mother’s day dinner at my Moms. My sister came to visit (driving 300 miles) and I had to remove Son because he was just awful. Rude, calling people “retarded”, and argue, argue, argue, with just about everything with everyone. Then I realized that he was only on half his usually dose of Risperdal because our new psychiatrist is trying to take him off of it. So, I immediately gave him the regular dose because psychiatrist doesn’t have to live to Son, I do. I haven’t discussed the reasons WHY he wanted him off. Probably because he has put him on Lamital and Seroquel. Those have helped with the mood swings, but the irritability is worse than ever. Hitting puberty probably has a lot to do with it, I’m sure. Adding back the Risperdal back to what it was before had an immediate effect to make him “Barely tolerable” instead of “Intolerable”.

    Okay, mean while, back to the money. The next day, Saturday, he march in my room and demanded the money back and making threats. This went on for hours. Finally, he lost it and began to physically attack me. He’s small for his size (can easily pass for an elementary student) and I’m big and tall. He’s no match, but just the shock of him coming after me. I had presence of mind to get my phone and record it. It’s blurry, but shows he’s the aggressor. At first he ran away, but then unleashed his furry. I couldn’t get him to stop. I told him I was going to call the police. He responded with “Go ahead! They’ll tell you to give me my money back!” and “I don’t care! Call em!”.

    So, very reluctantly, I called the police.

    I lady cop shows up and she’s very nice and starts to grill son. She asks about any medications and if I’m okay physically (I’m fine. Reality is I could mop up the floor with Son). Son sticks with his “My friend gave to me for my birthday at school” story. She was at my house about twenty minutes. Son wasn’t impressed. Cop explained that if he attacked me again that she was going to 5150 him and that it wasn’t going to be pleasant. Of course, Son doesn’t really get it. Even smirks and thinks it funny and says, “What? Are you gonna put me in foster care??”. (Grrrrrr.) Though, I just don’t think he gets it.

    She talks to Son again about someone giving him 50 dollars isn’t appropriate. She asks for the kids name and son gives it but says he doesn’t know the last name of the good friend.

    The cop leaves and immediately Son is after me to give him HIS money back. I stand strong, but I’m devastated. Son walks to my Mother’s (his grandmother to whom he is close) and says “SHE’LL tell you to give me MY money back!” I call my Mom and explain about the police before he gets there. My Mom doesn’t want to even talk to him. Son comes back and announces “She won’t talk to me because YOU called her!”.

    A later visit to my Mother’s, I am informed that son told ANOTHER lie about the money. He told my mother days before that he found the money in the desert.

    Sunday and yesterday go by. He’s demanding and awful. He DEMANDS I give him a dollar to buy some chips. He DEMANDS money from his father. He DEMANDS that we buy him something expensive for his birthday. Or as he spat out at me “Don’t be CHEAP!”

    husband is so angry and when Son wanted a hug later (they just don’t get it) husband just couldn’t do it. He’ll scream and yell and then say to me at bedtime, “Mom will you come in and tuck me in?”

    So, I still have the 50 dollars. Later, I walk in on him in the living room. He’s startled when I catch him and I see money flying. He give me a story of how this was money he had stashed in his drawer. I see my purse and my driver’s license on the kitchen table. I usually don’t have much cash on me, but this week I have had cash. I check it and see I have less money than I thought. It wasn’t much, mostly ones, but it was from my wallet. I take the money back and hide my purse.

    Fast forward to today. I called Son’s school counselor and explained about the friend and the birthday money. I wanted to know if the kid really gave it to Son. She calls Son in and Son points out friend to counselor. Counselor speaks to friend and friend has NO IDEA what the counselor is talking about. Counselor calls me back to inform me.

    I figure it out. Son stole the money from me.

    I will see him later.

    Now I know where the money came from I can deal accordingly.

    I guess it is time to lock up my purse and any other money.

    Along with everything else I have to deal with him being a thief.

    Just great.

    I’m not hurt by this. For me, this is just another burden I have to deal with when it comes to Son.

    We see the psychiatrist next month. Though, I can hardly get a word in edgewise. Son monopolizes the entire time and constantly interrupts when I try to say something. If I try and describe a behavior, he gets very defensive and loud. Last appointment he went off about how husband and I drink alcohol and we’re alcoholics. I have ONE margarita on Friday and Saturday and never during the week. husband has a beer or two when he is home after being out for two or three weeks working. Then he went off about how we should divorce because we disagree sometimes.

    I think sometimes I need to schedule a separate appointment. I am going to make a list of behaviors for the next appointment. He’s just about to turn 13. Oh my, it’s going to be a very long rough ride. :halfdead:

    Thanks for reading.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'm so sorry for the rough ride.

    I agree with scheduling a separate appointment with the psychiatrist. I also agree with keeping a behavior log. I often email or fax my log to our psychiatrists prior to the appointment so they have a chance to digest it before we get into the office. It seems to set the tone for the appointment as well as save time in the long run.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Wow, what a fun time you've been having! NOT!

    Can you call your psychiatrist ahead of the appointment and give him an verbal update? Or perhaps write up your summary and fax it to him? That way you can say what needs to be said without being interrupted by difficult child. You certainly also have the option of scheduling a separate appointment for just yourself -- I've done that before.

    Clearly difficult child is not yet stable on his medications. It takes quite a while for Seroquel to reach a therapuetic level, and the same goes for Lamictal. I don't recall how long difficult child has been on those, but maybe it IS too early to lower the Risperdal, like you suspect.

    One thing I can tell you, I would be on the phone with an update every single day that you are having major issues like this with difficult child. Maybe the psychiatrist can move up your appointment sooner.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    HUGS - Lots of 'em.

    I know how that feels, when you know what's up but the child flat denies it.

    I agree though - you do need to make a separate appointment. Because it is obvious nothing you say is getting heard over the roar of your son.

    You disagree with your hub? Wow, nobody else ever does (severe, thick, heavy sarcasm there). Woo. I think it's called communication - if you agreed on everything you'd be BORED.

    More hugs.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending another hug your way. I understand your position as I too will not be intimidated but my heart breaks without any exterior show. For me it was the unexpected nature of the behavior. My kid was (and still is) such a nice kid that I've never come to grips with his unacceptable choices.

    Have you begun to consider residential programs? It may be immature but I would suggest doing a little research in case his behavior goes South fast. DDD
  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    When a difficult child begins to go through puberty, it is HE77!!! Your difficult child sounds alot like difficult child 1 when he was his age. We were lucky because once the right combination of medications was found, difficult child 1's behavior improved enough so he was able to live at home. I think once the psychiatrist finds the right combination of drugs for your difficult child, things will get a bit easier.

    I agree with those who said it might be a good idea to schedule a separate time so you can talk to difficult child's psychiatrist alone. In the past, I've found this to be helpful too.

    And, I understand about locking everything up. difficult child 1 began stealing from me when he was about 11 years old. It is heartbreaking to have to hide money and credit cards from your own children.

    I also think DDD gave you excellent advice. It is a good idea to have a residential program in mind before it is needed. It might make you feel like you have a little control over the chaos your difficult child is creating.

    You've already received some excellent advice from others. I really can't think of anything to add at the moment - I just want you to know I'm thinking of you... Hugs... WFEN
    Last edited: May 26, 2009
  7. WSM

    WSM New Member

    I think you did the right thing. I know it feels horrible to do this to your little boy, but it might be needed someday. It's an accurate paper trail. Sometimes that's what's needed to get people's attention.

    on the other hand, lots of people don't understand and will blame you. But you need to get this kid's attention. He attacked you, you turned him in. You showed him you are not there for his abuse. Keep that video of him attacking you. You showed him you aren't afraid to call for reinforcements.

    I wish there'd been a little more consequence for attacking you and stealing. Everytime there is none, it reinforces it's no big deal...until it is, and they find themselves in serious trouble, and then sometimes it's too late.

    And good for you to follow up with the school and the other kid, to investigate the story. I do that, and I get resistance from my husband, but you have to. If they think you are a fool, they target you. If they know you are on to them, they dislike you, but they are more wary.

    Isn't it a horrible choice to have to make with your own kid? I choose to be disliked but grudgingly, just barely respected. husband is going for popularity, but gets the brunt of difficult child's anger and acting out.

    You are doing everything right, but I bet it doesn't feel like it. But you are.
  8. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    So, he waltzes into my work-he usually comes here after he gets out of school-and is casual and acts like it's just a regular day. Luckily, I didn't have a class right at the moment. I tell him I spoke with his school counselor. No reaction. I tell him that she spoke with his friend and his friend had NO IDEA what she was talking about. Then, she contacted me to let me know.

    What is Son primarily concerned about??

    He wants to know if she called me, or emailed me.:headache:

    I told him it didn't matter. The gig is up.

    He clung to his "friend/money/birthday" story with a tenacity that, I must admit, was impressive. He threw just about everything at me. He even said, "well, it's not like its a million dollars!" Apparently, if it's under a mother in law it doesn't qualify as stealing. :wornout:

    My next class came, so I had to set it aside. About 30 minutes later, while I was on the computer, he comes up close and whispers in my ear, "Okay, Mom, I will admit it, I took the money from your purse".

    After my class leaves, I ask him about the times he has had something stolen from him. He tells me about someone who was a former friend who stole something out of his backpack. I asked him, "So, now do you trust this person?" "No", he responds. I reply, "It is the same way I see you right now. I can't trust you because you have stolen from me"

    I ask him why. He's says he wanted to start a saving account. That is what he said he was going to do before "The confession".

    Now, when I look back over the last few days, he was very distraught when I wouldn't give him the money back. When he wasn't attacking me, he was crying. Actually it was more like wailing. He wailed that he wanted to open a savings account. He needed to have a savings account so that he could save for a car and get a job so he won't become a........

    a hobo.

    I kid you not. A hobo.

    :whiteflag: Ohhhh-Ehhmmmmm-Geeee!

    Thanks everyone for the support and ideas. We see psychiatrist on the 15th. I like the idea of emailing first. I'm going to call and see if I can do something like that. I think I'm might look into therapy for me just so I can cope with this. I'm really terrified of the next 5 or 6 years.
  9. kadyr

    kadyr One Born Every Minute

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Oh, I am not alone wonderful. I was the sweetest Mother around and I CANNOT believe what I've been reduced to. I'm sitting here tonight in a puddle of joy because the Police have found my stuff...all the stuff my son said I'd lost in the last six months. I'm not crazy...

    Well I can charge him or not...I'm going with commitment. Am I spelling that right? Oh, I don't care. See, four (maybe five) therapists in and we've had two diagnoses...bipolar and depression. They speak to him for 10 minutes and I fork over the money for a prescription he then refuses to take (probably sold 'em for pot). The three psychologists he had COMPLETELY snowed. "Oh, he's a great kid". I want someone to have to spend at least a long weekend figuring him out...and telling him about it! And giving me SOME HELP...

    I'm sending many, many love prayers your way so that you can feel some peace....
  10. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    You know,WSM, it was hard because-I have to admit it-I didn't want the neighbors to see the cop car in front of my house. A few weeks ago, our across the street neighbor admitted to husband that he has heard how Son speaks to us and others. He has two very sweet girls and it is probably a shock to him. He wasn't condemning, though.

    I really don't mind being the bad guy at all. I went through so much with Daughter at this age. No stealing though. I had to deal with CPS and abuse allegations with her. I was almost always at constant war with her 11-16. Now, she's looking at 18 and seeing what Son is putting me through and I know it's a reminder of the hades she made our home.

    Luckily for me, I have a really good rapport with the counselors at his school. They are very supportive of Son and my efforts with him and have always stepped up with I have needed their help. Son is actually a very friendly and outgoing kid and is well-known at his school. Especially in the office.

    What would do without this board??
  11. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Some psychiatrists don't like to use email (confidentiality reasons). If yours doesn't, ask if you can fax your log. Good luck.
  12. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    At our last psychiatrist, he met with difficult child and I together, then just difficult child, then us together and then just me. I would second and third the opinion that you need to meet with psychiatrist alone.

    Guess what? I argue with my husband and drink occasionally too. It's ok. Most of us do.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nothing to add but wanted to send supportive hugs your way.
  14. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    That is a great idea to make a list for psychiatrist. When things get intense with my difficult child, I will often write out the event and hand to therapist (psychiatrist reads his reports). It helps me to remember everything I want to include.

    It also may help to see the psychiatrist first to discuss current moods and share info without the interruptions.

    Does your difficult child see a therapist? Mine sees one. He was seeing him every week for a long time. We then took it down to once every other week and then once a month. I brought it back up to weekly this last two months and we will try every other week or monthly during the Summer. It all depends on how difficult child is doing - how intense he is.

    I bring up the therapist because my difficult child's therapist has been great in supporting my husband and I as the authority of the household. My difficult child got into an ugly demanding mood over my helping him with homework. He became very disrespectful and I refused to listen or help him until he stopped that behavior. On our next visit to therapist, therapist asked me how things were going at home, was difficult child obeying us? I answered, for the most part to which difficult child interrupted and said, "I told him about it." difficult child told therapist he wished he had not done what he had. therapist will work with him to remain respectful as he goes through his teen years.

    difficult child really respects therapist and wants to keep the respect therapist has for him. He knows that disrespecting me is going to disappoint therapist.

    It really is scary when I see ugly moments/days in my pre-teen boy. My imagination runs rampant and I envision a criminal trying his best to intimidate me and control me when he is 16 years old. Ugh - all the more reasons to stand firm and stay strong now!

    Hugs to you!
  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I had to doublecheck that I hadn't written that post. Are you raising my son? We go through the missing money to the point that I try not to have any money in the house and Eeyore is on a "touch no money" rule. He has stolen so often that any money in his possession is assumed to be stolen. He truly doesn't understand that money has value and must be earned. He thinks we are mean when we won't give him money whenever he wants it.

    I have called the cops on Eeyore once (he was 10) and on Kanga many times prior to her going to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Sadly, I am no longer embarrassed by the police at my house. Although the day I called for medical transport for Kanga because she was homicidal and they responded with 3 cop cars, paramedics, ambulance AND a firetruck was a bit over the top LOL.

    I hope psychiatrist has some useful words of wisdom.
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    YOu did the right thing to call the cops.

    That said - it does sound like you've worked out his reasons - the savings account and some weird level of insecurity coupled with obsessional activity.

    If he monopolises the appointments, then go in repared with a letter outlining the times in between apppointments. Having it in writing means the doctor has something he can put in the file and YOU can prove that the doctor has been told about stuff.

    I used to see a specialist who I really had to rely on, to look after some critical aspects of my care. I couldn't always remember everything and sometimes there were crises in between appointments. I couldn't always ring the specialsit (very busy with a protective secretary) so I began writing a monthly letter which I would post. So often when I went in to see the doctor - HE had a list of questions for ME, based on my mail.

    I also made a point of including in my letter a summary of the problems, in point form, followed by questions of "what should we do when this happens?"

    Keeping it in writing can also help you see patterns as you look back over it all, which can help you at least partly solve your own problems.

  17. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    this sounds so similar to my son (now 19) of that age and a little beyond. My son had no emotional attachment to anything or anyone (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) or their belongings. If he wanted somethng, he would just take it.... money, books, whatever. It was embarrassing to take him out. If we were on holidays we had to leave him outside like a dog (not tied to a lamp post or anything) because he would randomlly steal.
    I started locking up my purse. I was naive in my love for him because I wanted to trust him; so it came as quite a shock to discovr he was stealing from me. He stole from several of his part time bosses and was sacked.... It caused numerous arguments. I hated having to lock doors, treasures, money up.

    The good news is, that it improves. He has been home now for xix months and initially I still locked up money, changed the hiding places for my purse (even I couldn't find it sometimes) and so on. Now I am cofident he wont steal from me, I can relax. He did bring home several pieces of clothing and shoes that he admttted to stealing. so, I've suggested to him that he won't be wearing them around me. They're stolen goods. Suggested making restiitution, but that will come, I pray. Right now, he won't He says "I'm over it" and that he won't do it again.

    What I'm trying to say, is take heart, it will improve. This is all part of his condition... and calling the police is really not going to make a lot of difference (been there) because he has no emotional attachment to the behaviour. However, it has reinforced to hm that youwon't tolerate that behaviour and there are consequences. So that is good from that point of view. I do agree with you. But I wouldn't bother making a habit of it... I don't think at this stage, it will reinforce it anymore.
    Good luck, I hope this helps.