Calling all Grandparents....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rebelmommy, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    Soooo, I’m a first time grandparent my baby boy isn’t even two months old. I posted in another thread how my daughter has gotten a restraining order out on her by the babies father in the babies name, so now she can’t even see her own baby. She was also kicked out of the house she shared with baby daddy and Baker Acted from there she went to a shelter cuz she couldn’t stay at my house ( years of her crap leaves us wary and the door is closed) so long story short she’s off doing her own thing went back to her ex boyfriend from before all this and she told my cousin she’s selling pills right now, so she’s doing all the wrong things and it seems as though she has no interest in fighting for her son. She actually said she didn’t want to fight with his dad anymore and to be honest even though she’s pretty horrible too I kind of see why he is her male counterpart and pretty difficult to deal with as well. The baby is With his mother, the baby daddy told me a few days ago that he wished I would disappear like my daughter did, because he doesn’t want me around the baby either. My heart is broken even more than with what my daughter has done it’s like I’ve reached a new level of heartbreak that I didn’t even know I could feel. And this is from someone who lost their mother at nine I have lost several people in my life at an early age and not being able to be apart of this babies life is like a whole other pain that even though I knew from the moment she got pregnant this would probably end horrible I just wasn’t ready for this. How do people do this how do they keep it all together when this stuff happens? How do you keep the pain separate from all the other stuff or does it always seep in. I guess for me everything is so fresh right now and I just don’t know how to not be upset right now. I don’t know. I know now what people say they feel when they become a grandparent and it’s true it’s a whole new level of love but having it taken away from me, it’s just too much.
     
  2. Enmeshedmom

    Enmeshedmom Active Member

    I’m so sorry. Grandparents have rights too and you should look into it. Your grandchild should be able to know both sides of the family and if the baby is with his mother that speaks volumes about him. People shouldn’t make kids suffer for their mistakes. Not sure where live but you should legal advice some states offer free help to people who qualify, don’t just bow out because you feel you have no other choice.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Actually grandparents don't have rights except under extreme conditions, such as the baby lived with you for a period of time or your natural child dies. Rights are with the fit bio parent, in this case Dad. Maybe talking to him in a kind way would get you visitation.

    Grandparents are not treated well. I am so sorry. I have or once had a son, but he has been gone for fifteen years and I checked but have no right to his kids. I never met them. I don't know if ANY states force bio parents to let Grandma in. You can certainly check. I believe I heard once that the Supreme court actually took grandparent rights away in favor of parents but I heard it long ago and now it is vague.

    It is hard. Your daughters behavior caused a chain reaction. So sorry. For everyone.
     
  4. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    Yes, I looked into grandparents rights and unless one of the parents is dead, visitation to grandparents isn't really granted. also I don't want to further alienate this kid by trying something like that. Right now his mother, who is mostly with the baby is being the go between us and she said she will let me see the baby when he isn't around, but I also don't like the idea of sneaking around like that... I don't know. While my daughter was pregnant things were happening that had me telling her early on in the pregnancy that this lady ( his mother) wanted to take this baby from her. I addressed it with my daughter but of course she never listens to me. Now this lady has the baby and I found out that she also lost a baby son.... I almost feel like her son played all of this so that he could give his mother a baby for the son she lost. ( my beautiful damaged daughter also has a way of picking the most damaged boys, I say boys becuase she's still a child at 21 and this one is only 22). I just hope that things change when everyone has had time to settle down from the heightened emotions of everything being so fresh. At this point that's all I can do is wait and pray and hope.
     
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, rebel

    So sorry you have to go through this.

    I wouldn’t bother speculating about the possibility that the dad did this on purpose to give his mom a baby. You will never know if that is the case, and most of our difficult adult children don’t think or plan too far into the future, so it’s probably unlikely, at best. Either way, doesn’t really matter now.

    I would become friends with the other grandmother, because you and she may end up being the only stability in the baby’s life. You two can help each other. The son may bow out of the whole fatherhood thing after a while.

    Just keep your focus on yourself and your new grandchild.

    Stay with us and let us know how things go

    Apple
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No offense meant...i am just trying to show some reality... but 21 is NOT a child.

    My 21 year old daughter is engaged and finishing up the law enforcement curriculum in college, lives on her own, and understands birth control. She doesn't want to get pregnant before marriage and graduation...so she takes the shot. She does live with incredibly awesome, well employed, 25 year old fiance and works as well as going to school full time.

    This is not the age or capability of a child. Society sees and expects 21 to be an adult. You can serve in the military and vote at 18. Many do.

    Sadly, your daughter is a woman who makes poor decisions. Getting pregnant was one. It doesn't help our adult children when we think of them as children.

    Second of all, your daughter is not yet fit to raise the baby. She is a drug addict and possibly even selling drugs. You know this is morally way wrong.

    All drug addicts are immature, but that is on them in my opinion.That's why, legitimately, Dad has custody. There in my opinion is no big secret conspiracy to take this baby from your daughter and give his other grandma a new son. She is helping her son who has custody and she most likely loves the baby as much as you do.

    The good news is baby is safe.

    We have no rights to our biological family. Not legally. We control one person...us. Nobody else.

    If you want to see your grandchild, maybe urge daughter to change her life, although I am sure you tried already. If you NEED to be angry, in my opinion it is daughter you should feel it towards.

    She got pregnant by a man (22 is a man) who doesn't love her and she continued to use drugs WHILE PREGNANT. This will impact this little one forever. Daughter sadly has hurt her baby already, albeit I doubt she was thinking of it. But I adopted a baby whose birthmother took drugs during her pregnancy and this impacted him. He needed tons of school help and community interventions to become a mostly independent 24 year old.

    The baby needs strong advocates and probably interventions starting at a very early age. My son's interventions started in infancy.

    I know this is hurtful. I am sorry. I wish grandparents had rights. But we don't. And in most states Mom is not favored anymore. Dad and Mom are equal in court. The court awarded primary custody to the parent it felt would best care for baby....Dad. His mother is helping him. He is allowed to let her do it.

    You would have helped Daughter. In fact, a drug addict is not able to be a good caretaker on any level.

    Now there is hope. She can rehabilitate, go back to court, and get visitation and then you can be more involved.

    I strongly suggest therapy to help you cope. This is a loss and you hurt and can't control the players. You need to care for yourself. Please do.

    Hugs and love and I am so sorry.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2017
  7. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member

    Thank you for the hugs, and the love. I agree that both of them are not children and they are very immature. The Dad is also a drug dealer, who carries a gun and on one recent occasion when the baby was about a week old he pulled a gun out on my cousin who was visiting my daughter to see the baby. He thought it was a joke and laughed it off. Also he begged my daughter to have a baby with him, and even though I told her it was too soon, no one ever listens to mom right. His mother actually took him to get a ring for my daughter when they were only together for two months, which I honestly thought was crazy. Also he proposed to my daughter, knowing that he's already married for papers. ( Didn't disclose that info until my daughter was already several months pregnant. His mother has been involved in their relationship since the very beginning..... as for him, he not only sells weed and other things to make a living ( i'm pretty sure he also steals things and resales them, he does have a real job working driving trucks and doing collections for a furniture company) but also while my daughter was pregnant he decided to start an affair with his 38 year old boss, telling me and anyone else who would listen that he had told my daughter it was over so it wasn't cheating. They were still living together at the time. I call them children because they act like children, but your right, they aren't. They are immature people playing really dangerous game with other peoples lives, most specifically with this baby. And yes the grandmother loves this baby very much, but she's isn't the best caretaker for this child. She just gets to be there because her son has the baby, technically he doesn't even have custody but my daughter isn't doing anything about it so what can i do? My daughter didn't use drugs through the pregnancy though, she only recently started doing pills she was always a pot head but never while pregnant I was around her all the time and I'm pretty sure she didn't do anything. I don't know if she's a drug addict just yet, but I fear that she will be....Anyways I'm angry at everyone. Everyone gets a piece of this. He's wrong, she's wrong they are all wrong. He's no better fit to take care of the baby then she is, but he is smarter and faster. ( meaning that he knew what buttons to push on my daughter, he pushed them until he got a reaction out of her which was easy because she's prone to tempter tantrums, and then he called the cops and told them that she tried to kill the baby. How do I know this was a lie, that she didn't do that? because he called me in the days following to fabricate his story. He recorded our conversations so that he could make it seem like he didn't have anything to do with what had gone on to get my daughter baker acted. but I've had the pleasure of dealing with people like him so i knew what was going on) He was telling her while she was pregnant that he was going to take the baby from her, and even more so after she found out about the other woman. But even though that might sound like she was a victim, she wasn't. I kept trying to tell her that when people show you who they are you should believe them, she didn't believe him. and hat is part of the reason she is where she is today. The other part is her constant bullying an manipulative ways. She spent most of her pregnancy trying to manipulate him and his mother and even myself, and they turned that around on her real quick. If my daughter had just listened to me once. But even during the pregnancy there came a time when I couldn't even tell her things because she was running back to them telling them. There also came a time when they both the mom and son told her to stop talking to me. So it's like yeah I know my daughter is horrible because she is, she really is, but she also found the right match.... these people are no joke. I could get down and dirty with them too, but I won't because one that's not how I roll, two I wouldn't do that to the baby, and three, I have my husband and my kids. I'm already more involved with this family than I care to be. I just feel like that baby needs the chance to have decent people in his life, and these people aren't really it. :(

    I don't know. I just wanted to get some of that out..........

    Your right I probably need therapy, but I don't have insurance right now. So I'm using this place as my therapy until I can see someone. In the meantime I can't tell you how good it feels to have found this place, although I know you know too.:)
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If Dad doesnt have custody (He sounds horrible) why not take it to court and ask for custody? Sounds like you are the most stable person in grandsons life.
     
  9. NCGram

    NCGram New Member

    So glad to have found this site. My 34 yr old son had 3 children with 1st wife. When they divorced he had custody of all. My husband an I have always played an important role in the grandbabies lives, they lived with us several times during the parents' miserable marriage. Then my son found another woman. She knew he had custody of the 3 kids, but due to the fact she said she couldn't have children, she was really good to them, complete opposite of bio-mother. Then she got pregnant. Now they and the children live 13 hrs away. Long story short, we all said some nasty things to each other and now, they have blocked me from facebook and have blocked my phone number. The children's ages are: 9, 5, 3 and 1. I'm ok with not having contact with my son or girlfriend, but the fact that I can't check on the grandbabies worries the death out of me. There has been some physical abuse (girlfriend on son and non-bio oldest child). She is on disability for PTSD. Any suggestions or advice greatly appreciated.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can call CPS if she abused kids and you have proof. I assume you live in another state. If so, I don't know what else to tell you. I am sorry.

    An adult child's SO can cause lots of trouble between us and our kids and grands and the legal stuff is on their side.

    It is ideal, but not always possible, to get along well with our kid's SO, but some just won't let us. This happened to me with one. It really is tough. You try and try and it doesn't help...

    Hang in there. Things can change. Hugs and love.
     
  11. NCGram

    NCGram New Member

    Thank you! At first we did get along with SO. We felt very comfortable with her being with the kids. The awful part is we were just at their house at Thanksgiving. SO seemed a little distant but I thought it was due to the holiday, she goes to school part time, works part time, etc. Then last week she was really blasting him on facebook so of course I stood up for him, then he sided with her and got mad at me and she told me I was dead to her, stay away from her daughter, blah,blah,blah... He says she pushed the non-bio daughter and hit him, she says he spanked the non-bio son and bruised him, so..all I have to go on is "he said/she said".

    Again, thank you. It feels good to just vent!
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Feel free to vent away. We are here. There are always people who have been through the same stuff.

    My son's SO and son never gave our entire family a reason for bowing out. She seemed to want him to herself and he went along with it and pulled away too. I think sons are more apt to do this than daughters. Anyhow, that's all we know. I thankfully have other kids and grands. Hope you do too!
     
  13. NCGram

    NCGram New Member

    Nope. Only one son. No other children. But, I have hope that one day things will turn around.
     
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  14. NCGram

    NCGram New Member

    Wow, didn't realize it had been so long since last post. Things have really changed. Found out that son's SO had been cheating on him and that "their" daughter was not my son's. He did DNA test and it came back 0.00% probability of her being his child. So, he and his 3 kids come back to NC and are living with us now. He has job, friends and just bought a truck. SO sent paperwork that she was suing him for child support even after she got a copy of the DNA results. Wow, really? Kids bio-mother is basically non-existent. She lives in same town as we do and has only seen kiddos maybe 5 times since. I'm thrilled they are back in NC, not so much that they are living with us, lol! But, life is good!
     
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Maybe your son will qualify for Section 8 housing? He should look into it.

    Your son should also see a lawyer about the child support filing for his ex’s baby. Men who were proven not to be the father have gotten saddled with child support in some cases. I would talk with someone on how to proceed.

    I’m glad things are going better!
     
  16. NCGram

    NCGram New Member

    Thanks! He has retained an attorney in MA (where he, SO, and kids lived) so he's good there. He is checking into housing, baby steps.
     
  17. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    I can feel your heartbreaking from all the way over here. I am so sorry you are going through this.

    Why is the baby with his mother and not with him? If he was any kind of a real man, father and son, then his child would be with him, not his mother. I guess my point being is this: he is going around saying the things he's saying to you and your daugther to hurt you, but how can he throw his own child onto his mother's lap to care for? She didn't lay down and have this child. He should be taking care of his own child if he's such a great father. I don't know, it's just something maybe you can point out to him next time he says such awful things to you. Hugs to you. You don't deserve this.
     
  18. rebelmommy

    rebelmommy New Member


    Actually he took the baby away from his mother, started using that baby as a tool to control her and she wasn't with it. Since then he moved in with his 38 year old boss, who has four children of her own, one is only 3 or four years younger than him, and I heard that he is a stay at home dad while this woman takes care of him. And I saw a picture of this woman, she looks almost identical to my daughter, same size stature coloring, hair coloring, it was creepy and sickening to see the resemblance. I saw a picture of the baby few weeks ago and he's beautiful. Looks my boys and my daughter did at that age. But haven't seen him since January. I don't know, it sucks that the baby has to grow up with so much dysfunction all ready in his short life, but it is what it is.
     
  19. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am very confused as i read this it appears to be two separate threads one from rebel mommy and one from ncgram. is there anyway to separate them to 2 postings so we are giving each the attention it deserves? Anyway it appears that it is both about grandchildren. Very hard to deal with. They use the grandchildren like they are bargaining chips sometimes and all we can do is sit and worry. My sons first x and i do fine and i have access to my grandaughter. His second wife gives me access when he is not around except recently i chose not to see him for awhile because of fighting between him and his ex and i refuse to get involved for my own sanity. So i do understand and will pray for good results for all of us in near future.
     
  20. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    I figured that already

    Now that's a surprise and I am not being sarcastic. I wonder if they are waiting to call each other's bluff. I wonder if she will cave.