CAN husband be trusted???

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by lovemysons, Sep 3, 2009.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi all...

    A few weeks ago I shared that I figured out husband's "Facebook" login info and logged into his account. I found out that he had been communicating with a gal he almost left me for years ago. The good news was that nothing was said that made me fear husband was up to no good. In fact, he even told me on his own about their communication. So I was happy about that and felt it confirmed that I really can trust husband these days.

    Well...Now I am finding out that he has been communicating with someone he ran around with when he was a teenager. I think they may have gone to high school together, not sure. In any event, a week ago, she invited him to meet up with her at a pool hall in Dallas. His words..."sounds dangerous". She said "oh no, Im very conservative these days". Well, he ended up spending "that day" evening with me, going out to dinner and to the movies.

    So now, this past weekend comes around. I went to the Casino around 12:30 Sat afternoon. Ended up winning a Jackpot and added to it...came home the next morning with 3,000 dollars. Gave 1,700 of it to husband and 300 of it to easy child.

    Well anyway, Monday I checked husband's "Facebook" ...logged in as him.
    Sadly, I found out that Sat night while I was at the Casino, husband went to that pool hall and tried to meet up with this woman but she was not there this past Sat night. She told him in a reply that she only goes out "solo" every so often.

    She is married and has a child. She also doesn't "look" like husband's type. But what do I know.
    It really bothers me that he went to meet this woman and told me nothing about it. If it's innocent and just meeting with an old friend, why wouldn't he tell me about it?

    So I am stewing. Don't know what to do. Part of me wants to confront him and then...part of me wants to say nothing so that I can continue to "track" him on his Facebook without his knowledge.

    What do you think?
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Sit him down and tell him what you've found. Tell him he has a choice, counseling or nothing. And I do mean NOTHING.

    I know a couple who had some issues a while back. The husband had an affair. With their mutual friend. Well, they got past it and then broke up later - because of a teenager that messaged him repeatedly. Don't know what about. Was he wrong? Don't know. Wasn't me. But guys have to be super careful. If they love their lives and wives, then no extracurriculars!

    If this woman is in fact just a friend... Maybe he would like to introduce you? But his trying to meet up while you were gone sends up red flags to me. Maybe he was trying not to upset you. But on FACEBOOK?!

    Or maybe he is trying to get your attention.

    Just me $0.02.
  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Sticky situation. I am saddened to hear he wasn't forthcoming about this. I would be hurt and distrusting if S/O went to try to meet a woman without my knowledge. I know that I wouldn't go meet a man without telling my S/O.

    I have a male friend, a university professor with a wonderful job that gives him tons of time off. He is also a motorcycle enthusiest. Because he has many free weekday afternoons without classes, he uses that time to go for long rides. Most people work those type of hours so often he has to go alone. He happily takes me along anytime I like. Even though S/O knows this, knows my friend, and trusts the situation, I still tell him everytime. If it is spontaneous, my friend would pick me up and we'd swing by S/O's company and pop in to tell him we were off on a ride and where we were heading.

    I guess for me it's a respect thing. I also have given S/O my login info for facebook, email etc. And I know his. I don't really look at his, not sure if he looks at mine. But the transparency alone helps us both feel there's no reason to feel worried or insecure about online activities.

    I know it will be hard to say you were on his account without him knowing, but I guess, if it was me, I'd discuss it with him. I think sometimes we keep quiet for fear of hearing what we dont' want to hear, or fear they will blame us for "snooping" and "not trusting" them. I just firmly believe in a transparent relationship as a road to health and happiness. But I can see you between a rock and a hard place.

    Whatever you decide to do Tammy, I hope it works out well. It could well be innocent and maybe you just need a good long talk about how omitting details if they are innocent, can lead to fear and doubt in the other person and that isn't fair.

  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You don't trust him because he shouldn't be trusted. At best he's like an arsonist playing with a lighter. I think you should confront him. You have done nothing wrong in looking at his FB page. Husbands and wives should not have FB pages that are secret from each other.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Ask yourself what you would do if you didn't like his answer?
    You have been through some of this before. You know the possibilities and you know the response he will have to your inquiry.
    What do you want from this? What will you do with the information?
    Is this going to feed a lot of drama or will it make a difference in your life?

    I'm just throwing those questions out. No answers to me, required.
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Ask yourself this question:

    If an old flame looked you up and you agreed to meet them somewhere and you went WITHOUT your husband....why would you be there?

    So the real question is not whether you can trust husband--it is what to do about the information you found....

    Not sure about that one.


  8. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    As I don't know the history here this is just my opinion.... I have added some folks from my past to my facebook page. husband can see my page and I am hiding nothing. But they are people from the PAST. These days I do a lot of reflecting and it is nice to see how far I have come. Again I don't remember the history here but could it just be something like that?
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have a facebook page and Tony has a facebook page. We dont often go on them but I was remarking to him one day that facebook would be one really stupid place for someone to try to have an affair on because everyone on your page could see what you were doing! Everything I typed to anyone else showed up clear as a bell on his page...omgosh. Good thing I wasnt typing to EW how I wanted her hot JK EW!

    Personally, I thought the first time you brought this up something was hinky but I didnt say anything. Now I think it even more.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I would be suspicious as well. I'd be more likely to keep track without being obvious for a while to see if I had anything to be concerned about before bringing it up. Either way, it's an uncomfortable situation for you.
  11. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    His mind is wandering where it shouldn't be.......and I, personally, would want to know why.

    There is really only one reason why he would want to go find her. And that is an unfortunate fact, but a reality.

    I do not know what to tell you as far as advice, I wish I did. I can only tell you that his mind is not where it should be.:(

    And as far as your original He cannot be trusted. Absolutely not. There is something wrong. I am so sorry.

    Many hugs and much wisdom being sent your way.
  12. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I second Fran. What are you going to do with the answers/information when you have it?
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    There could be absolutely nothing going on. But if so - why be secretive about it?

    Maybe ghe gts off on the clandestine nature of it all, feeling like he's sneaking around but he's not, really. But then - a bloke who does this, is also likely to be following through physically (if not now, then soon).

    The thing is, for him to be hiding this from you, is disrespectful.

    But a point also not yet made by anyoone - he is also showing disrespect and dishonesty to the women contacting him on his space. What is he letting them think or hope for? Even if his page announces to the world tat he is happily married, he could be saying (via phone or in person) that he is, in reality, separated. But not announcing it on the site because he doesn't want to be pestered by too many women. Or whatever excuse.

    While there are some women who don't care if they're fooling around with a married man, they are in the minority. Most women who get tangled with a married man do so because at some early stage, the man either didn't tell them he was married, or let the women believe that he was in some way available (or soon to be available).

    Ages ago I joined a website for people wanting to get back in touch with old schoolfriends (etc). I have been contacted by people I was at school with, including exchanging some emails very recently with a couple of guys I knew years ago. Nothing in it, and husband was free to open and read all my emails. But if I had done this via something like FB, it could have looked a bit 'hinky'.

    The thing is - part of me does wonder about old flames. Where are they now, what do they look like, what are their lives like, etc. Part of me would like to cross paths with a couple of them again (other past flames I never want to see again, unless it is to see them as decrepit old timers while I look fabulous). If husband & I weren't so open with one another, there is even a chance I might secretly let curiosity get the better of me. I might coontact one of them, arrange to meet, maybe talk over the phone - but where would it lead? Who knows?

    What I do know is - to contact such people form the past when you have a very different presetn and future, is OK as long as you are open about it with your current partner. But to be secretive about it is to not only disrespect your current partner, it is also disrepsectful and dishonest to the old contact. It's not fair, all around.

    And someone who does this, not considering the possible fallout for the OTHER people involved (not just their partners) is someone who is being utterly, totally selfish, disrespectful and dishonest.

    So, should you confront him?

    THat depends on your answer to this question - what do you hope to achieve, if you confront him? Are you hopping he will confess all and be honest with you? Given hisbehaviour to date, is this likely? You know him, I don't. But if you confronted him, let's say, and he denied any wrongdoing or skulduggery, what then? Could you believe him?
    Even if he broke down and confessed that he had been seeing someone behind your back, could you be sure he was telling you the whole story? And could you ever be sure of anything he told you in the future?

    But if instead you choose to not confront him, then one BIG thing happens - you get to keep the element of surprise and secrecy.

    If you want as close to absolute truth as you can get, then DON'T confront him. That way, you get to track his activities more accurately. if you want to confront him without giving away your surveillance of him online, then you could arrange to accidentally drop in where he just happens to have arranged a rendezvous. Or have a friend see him there and tell you. Anything to expose his activity enough for you to confront him but not give away your montiroing of his FB page.

    But then - what do you expect to achieve?

    I was reading a book today - a biography of Nancy Wake, the most decorated Australian woman in WWII. Possibly the most decorated of any nation, for WWII. It's an amazing story - she and her husband Henri lived in the south of France and worked clandestinely for the Resistance. They were amazing, in the things they did. It was very much a love match, they did a lot of things together. Nancy was a social butterly (a bit of a Paris Hilton) but with a brain and used her cover to get intelligence and also justify being seen in various social circles. She often was seen having lunch with her female friends. But despite her marriage being a love match there was a couple of times when she found out that Henri had cheated on her - a friend might say to her, "Why didn't you drop in and visit me last week when you were in the area? The hotel register said Henri was there with his wife, but you never came to see me."
    Only Nancy knew she hadn't been there, her husband was there alone, she had thought, on business.
    She loved him but wouldn't let it pass - they had a fight every time this happened. But no possibility of leaving him. Instead, she played her own (very French) game - it was fairly common practice for French women at that time to have some fancy lingerie, beautiful satin undergarments which they would wear either for a lover, or to see the gynaecologist. So just occasionally, to keep Henri guessing and not feeling too complacent, Nancy would lay out the clothes she planned to wear that day, allegedly for a lunch with her girlfriends, but make sure the beautiful satin lingerie was there also. Henri would know if she had an appointment with the gynaecologist (the only other reason for wearing her best undergarments). She wasn't having any affairs, but she kept him feelnig sufficiently insecure so he stopped taking other women away on his "business trips".

    I was thinking - why don't you take a leaf out of Nancy Wake's story? Do some research on the signs your partner is having an affair, then YOU begin to display those signs. For example, make sure you carefully put makeup on and dress up a little more carefully, SOME of the time you go out alone.

    Sometimes success and confidence is the best revenge.

    by the way, the story of Nancy & Henri had a sad ending - he was taken away for questioning one day, soon after Nancy left to go into hiding. They had planned her departure to be as impromptu as possible, she simply rode off on her bicycle to go to the shops but they both knew she was having to go into hiding and they didn't know when they would see each other again. Next thing, Henri was captured and tortured to find out where Nancy was but he never told. So despite the affairs and the little mind games, they were both loyal to eachc other where it really counted. Henri's sacrifice allowed Nancy to continue saving lives on an even bigger scale.

  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have tried to find old boyfriends on facebook myself with no luck. Heck, I cant find old school friends at one! Maybe because I didnt have a whole pack I ran with. But if I did find any of my old boyfriends Tony would be the first one who knew about it because we would be so We did find the girl Tony was dating before he met me and I wanted him to add her to his page but he wouldnt do
  15. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the thoughtful...thought provoking reply's.

    Right now, I think I'm going to just continue to monitor husband's Facebook messeges.
    Honestly, I don't want the drama right now, the confrontation right now. It would disrupt the lives of my children even more. It would not lead to one good thing.

    Interestingly enough, husband was telling me of a situation involving our oldest son last night. Apparently oldest difficult child wants to go off with his buddies this weekend so oldest has told his so/girlfriend that he is "going on a business trip" with husband. husband was commenting about the lies to cover lies that oldest difficult child may go through with his girlfriend. I just kept commenting that "secrets are bad bad bad" and that "they should be working on TRUST in their relationship".
    I hope it stirred his thinking. Am patiently hoping that husband will fess up about wanting to meet up with this old aquointance. by the way, he did tell her that he was married how long he was married how many kids etc. Never said unhappily married.
    But still...he should have told me.

    So, I wait.
  16. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    "I went to the Casino around 12:30 Sat afternoon. Ended up winning a Jackpot and added to it...came home the next morning with 3,000 dollars. Gave 1,700 of it to husband and 300 of it to easy child."


    Does husband think he can trust you? You didn't mention whether you spent all of Saturday night in the casino, or whether you stayed at a friend's house...

    Might he have gone to meet with an old girlfriend because you, yourself, were out so late? Was husband getting lonely? Was he getting worried?

    Not accusing....

    Just thinking out loud.

  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Personally, I would let it ride for awhile to make sure I was prepared for the consequences that could result from a confrontation. Like Fran I think analyzing the possible end results is alot more important than locking horns with-o a game plan. Good luck. DDD
  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Slightly different take on the situation. Different from what I've said before but I have been thinking about it. My skewed perspective may help - or not. So here is the story. ***WARNING IT'S LONG!!!***

    Back in 2000, I was working at a local retail store. I got married to my X in 1998. X and I were NOT doing well. I was lonely. His computer was his life. Even if I walked in front of him naked he didn't notice.

    So midsummer, we're in a team meeting at the front of the store and there's a new Level 3 (4 levels, 1s were peons, 2s - like me - mid supervisors - 3s a bit higher and 4s were the head honchos. Then the store manager). Came from another retail place and he was HOT. Now I know, I was married, but not dead!

    As part of his training he had to spend time with all of the departments. I was the Level 2 in the area where we did price changes. (My Level 3 boss then is now a coworker where I am now, and one of my best friends.)

    We were working overnights, getting ready to clearance back-to-school stuff. As the supervisor, I was expected to train him. Mmmm, eye candy. Got to talking of course, and became tentative friends. Met his wife - she was 6 months pregnant with their first (his second). I had a funny feeling about her but I ignored it. Liked my new friend too much. WAY too much. (Red flag anyone?!)

    Well, X and I moved to Oklahoma at the end of November. And I was totally miserable. I was only there for 7 months but it's a big chunk of my life missing now. 28th birthday, only my (now) best friend, new friend, and parents wished me happy birthday. Not X.

    I came home in July.

    Shortly after that I found myself in a really, really strange situation. Sort of a menage a trois with my friend and his wife. And she seemed to be OK with it. Very weird. I really fell for him. Can we say rebound?! They would have a fight, she'd call me, I'd take him home to get him away from her. WAIT A SECOND. Not smart on her part.

    Couple years and a kid (theirs) later, I started working where I am now. Met husband. Drifted away from my friends. I wanted to get out of the drama (little did I know!)

    Saw them a couple of times with husband and the kids, but it was like once a year. Then, a little over 2 years ago I got a call from him. His divorce was final. A few more months went by and I got another call - he had decided to say goodbye. He was done. Talked him out of it. Made him promise to go to Jett's tournament game with us.

    Then didn't see him again for a while. Almost a year later he invited the family out... He'd gotten married again. I absolutely adore his current wife. She's very young, but then, I'm older than he is anyway.

    More time. Onyxx had her mall incident and for some reason he thought of me that day, texted. Started talking again. We reconnected - but it is so much different than before. For one, I have husband now. And I would never do anything to hurt him. Oh yeah - he is friends with my friend and his wife, same here - in fact I'm going up to help her with the kids Saturday while he's at work. Both hes.

    So. The moral of my story? Yes, this guy and I had a very intense relationship going for quite a while, a while back. Over now... But reconnecting, we're still very very good friends - but that part is gone. However. I will NOT hide this from husband. Or my friend's wife. And neither will he - because neither of us wants what we had before, and neither of us wants to hurt our spouse. So when I go up to hang out with him? husband knows. And where we are. So does his wife. Or I take the kids - and husband!

    I'm not condoning your husband's behavior. He needs to be open with you. If he is going to hide it, there is something wrong. If he's willing to be open about it, it's worth your time to listen to him. If not - you may need counseling. Alone or together.

    Lastly - HUGS. This is hard. been there done that (from both sides of the fence).
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I have not yet replied because I have been thinking about this a lot. If it were my husband it would be absolutely no big deal. None. We have each met up with old flames both together and separately. We are boring in that we made a promise to each other and God and we have NO intention of breaking our word in any way. It is an old fashioned viewpoint and not a common one. Even at times when we have problems we both would rather chop a leg off before we would break that promise.

    Because Family is crucial to us and to break that promise would be to destroy the family we have made.

    With your situation, given past mistakes and the level of mistrust you each seem to have, well, I think counseling would be a very good thing. NOT with a religious person who pushes the "Man is head of household and not to be questioned" type counselors that pop up with idiotic frequency, but with a qualified therapist who also has a long term marriage and "gets it" when speaking about marriages and problems.

    I could easily see my husband thinking that I was off having fun at a casino so he would go look up old friends. Esp if he knows that I don't like or am not interested in the person.

    We both have very good friends of the opposite sex. Including each other. There is no worry if I go off and do something with a male who is a friend. Or if he goes to dinner or whatever with a female friend. We are secure enough in ourselves and each other that it isn't a big deal. While we don't HIDE things, we sometimes don't mention something because we forget or it seems so insignificant that we overlook mentioning it.

    4 months after our wedding, less than a month after Wiz was born we got a card from a former FIANCE of his. (He had 3 of them - they ALL lost out big!) She was coming in to town for a business meeting and wanted to have dinner with US. Now I knew her before I ever knew husband. We sort of had mutual friends long before we met. (After we started dating almost each one of them said they thought of matching us up but 1 or the other of us was in a relationship at that time, LOL!)

    So I knew her. I don't dislike her but I am not at all interested in seeing her. She was a nuisance to me at one job. husband was going to skip the dinner because I really did NOT want to go. Wiz was still so little and I was always exhausted.

    So he went. Had a nice time. Spent a lot of it gushing over Wiz and I. She did call and thank me for not minding him going. She did say he was a 1 topic date - and our family was his ONLY topic. ROFL.

    so, given that you don't want the drama, and the history you have had, I would let it lie. If you MUST check his facebook, ask him to make you a friend. Set up your own page and keep a distant eye on things.

    Just don't go for the drama unless you are ready for some BIG drama.

    Sorry that this hurts so mcuh.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm very conservative and direct and can only tell you MY rules. It goes like this. If you are my husband and I am your wife we do not have opposite sex friends that we don't see TOGETHER all the time and your Facebook is MY Facebook. I have never had any reason to doubt husband, but if I did, it would be a simple, "Dump the Facebook, marriage counseling, or move out if you're so hot to act single." It would be one of those all-or-nothing deals. I don't think married couples need to hang out alone with anyone of the opposite sex, and I never understand why some people did it. I wouldn't hurt husband that way. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would want to resolve it right away before it maybe got out of hand. But that's me and how I deal with stuff.
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2009