Can I get your opinion?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by bertie, Jul 9, 2008.

  1. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Hi all, I had another post ("Crying Inside") about the problems my difficult child is having in WA state.

    difficult child has an appointment for counseling in two days, something he agreed to - however he doesn't yet have an appointment to see a psychiatrist to get on medications (he just got insurance). He has told people, including the judge, that he realizes he has a problem and I can only hope he means it, and isn't just saying it.

    I had breast cancer last year and luckily it didn't go to my lymph nodes....I had three surgeries (two major), and I'm getting sick a lot (ear infections which I've never had, bladder infections, currently have a kidney infection) so I know my resistance is low. I'm sure that what I've gone thru with difficult child over the last year is majorly contributing to my illnesses.

    I have just lately been getting very anxious if the phone rings and it's my difficult child or his girlfriend. I have absolutely no patience for difficult child's situation anymore and when I come home from work, I turn off my phone and my computer because I just want to be left alone. If I do have to talk to difficult child on the phone, he knows that I will hang up if he is angry or rude to me - and most of the time he is, because he's still unmedicated.

    What complicates things is that he has an inheritance, which he gave to me to take care of when he turned 18 - so I have it under my name and I've been using it to help him out in WA to pay some of his bills. I have realized that I just can't do that anymore because he NEEDS TO GROW UP.

    So what I want to do is this - I want to tell him, "I am always happy to talk to you, but ONLY if you are calling to say hello or to see how I'm doing. I will not discuss your problems with you anymore. Also, I am going to give your money to you, but I won't do it until you are back on medication again."

    I realize that he may very well run out and get onto medications just to get his money, which is fine with me - he can do whatever he wants with it, but I feel like I need to give him some kind of impetus to get back on medications. I also feel I need to give him a condition of some kind instead of just giving him the money.

    What do you think? If you don't agree, can you suggest an alternative about the money? I am SO DONE with managing it for him!

    Thanks in advance,

  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Bertie, do you have a brother or sister who could manage the money? If it's a significant amount, you can hire an attorney to take care of it...or a financial advisor.

    I would NOT use the money as a bribe for taking medications. For one thing, there's no way you could police it because you live so far away. For another, you aren't doing him any favors---he needs to take medications because he WANTS to get better, not because something is being held over his head. ;)

    Good luck!

  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Suz had a very good idea, about a financial advisor.

    If you want him to have his money managed, but are at the end of your rope managing it yourself, that is exactly what I would do. I also think that giving it to him "under the condition that" he does something is asking for trouble. I would otherwise, if you don't even ant to be THAT involved, just give it to him and let him sink or swim.

    Last option, I would put it in a CD and let it sit and collect interest, and not worry about what you are going to do with it until it matures.
  4. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    >you aren't doing him any favors---he needs to take medications because he WANTS to get better, not because something is being held over his head<

    Yes, that's true. Thanks Suz.

    There aren't any people/relatives in that area who would be willing to take care of the money. They've seen what I've gone through with him and unfortunately he's burned a lot of bridges. The amount is not that large anymore, he's gone thru a lot of it - we're talking less than $5K.

    He does have a learning disorder (i.e. he simply cannot figure out how his checking acct works). He's so immature for his age. The last time I was really active on this group was when he was a teen, so I'm a little rusty and I really don't know how to handle him now that he's an adult; this is a whole new ballgame. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is - is it ok to tell him to sink or swim?
  5. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Hi Big Bad, your post came thru right after I responded.

    Looks like I should just give it to him......

    Thanks everyone :)
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    With that money...could you buy him something useful so that he cant just blow it? Maybe buy a decent used car...or even an older singlewide mobile home that isnt in that great of shape but he could work on fixing it up but would give him a place to live. If that isnt an option...and he lives in some sort of apartment or rental unit...prepay the rent and utilities in advance for say a year if it would go that far and then give him whats left over.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I would put it in a trust. He gets SO much a year for so many years and at 21 or 25 he can have it all.

    He gave it to you to manage - if it's sitting making interest that would be better if you could find some where to invest it that would not allow taxes on it. (brain not thinking tonight) like a money market account or a 401k type deal - ?

    If you reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeely have trouble figuring out what to do with it? Send to me - I can book us a cruise to Alaska (snap) right now. We'll get matching outfits - cameras - fishing......hiking - see bears........visit the Inuits. Get pink muccalucks. Look for big foot - run through a meadow drink from a stream - ahhhhhhhhhh what do you want to waste that on a kid for? huh?

    I NEED MUCCALUCKS - a girl can never have too many pair.

  8. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I don't know if the amount you mention would be enough to warrant a trust; fees might eat up too much of it. Maybe it's just time to put it in his account and tell him to consult a financial advisor about it. He will or he won't. Eventually he'll have to learn to manage that checking account in some fashion - might as well be sooner as later.

    If not the above, then I second the Alaskan cruise idea! :p
  9. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times



    Unfort not enough to put into a trust, but it is enough to possibly put a down payment on a mobile home or RV?? At least that would give him a place to live....

    Bertie (who's trying to decide if she should exercise this morning)
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    First I'm going to answer a question I spotted in your other post per difficult child being on the girlfriend's baby's birth certificate. If he isn't the father, all he has to do contact welfare (I assume that's the DCFS??) and tell them he wants a DNA test done to prove he's not the father. The test is free.

    (I didn't know if anyone else had addressed that question for you)

    As for the money..........

    I'm wondering if difficult child isn't viewing it as his "safety net" in a way.

    My sister in law has a good friend who inherited a vast amount of money from his grandmother. He made 2 sound perchases: a new car, and a house with quite a bit of land. Then I think he went brain dead because the boy blew the rest. (I'm talking houndreds of thousands of dollars here)

    The boy is a good kid, a easy child. But the money seemed like an endless amount until it was gone. 3 years later, he's kicking himself in the rear. Thank goodness he had paid the house and car in full.

    So, it can even mess up a easy child.

    If it were me and I was fed up with listening to difficult child stuff, I'd either spend it or hand it over. Most likely the latter. Then it would be up to him.

  11. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Personally, at his age, I'd just give him the darn money and let him suffer the consequences of spending it foolishly. YOU, on the other hand, have to learn how to watch that happen.

    Enjoy pleasant conversations, and hang up when necessary.