Can I Quit Now ?

[klmno]

I still battle those choices or thoughts, DF. At one point PO ordered another type (supposedly) of in-home therapist. This one didn't even have time to get to our house before difficult child pulled the knife on me, however, I did research on their approach. Keeping in mind that no matter what they say to get the parent to "buy into" the method, it's all about parenting better to get the kid to behave better. But this one place used the method of inducing stress and chaos in the home "until the family found a better, more effective solution". TG I didn't have to go thru that! I have plenty enough trial and error fires to put out without someone coming over to induce them. All it really tells me is that they don't have the answer either. If they did, they would be spitting it out- not going about some approach that forces me to come up with another idea. I have no more ideas about how to help my kid get turned around.

As far as whether or not you and husband should play this out or call it quits, you guys just need to weigh what you think she really needs, which option gives the best chance for that, and if you can stand this or not. I'm sorry I can't offer something more positive and helpful. I will say that Department of Juvenile Justice doesn't seem to be doing anything except making my son worse and leaving me with even less influence on my son. Whether or not that leaves him seeing that these are his choices and he's digging himself in deeper even when he thinks blowing up at someone is getting back at them or me remains to be seen- so far he doesn't seem to be getting that point.

If I had it to do over again- I would have never involved people if I didn't have to- they have less answers than my mommy-gut.

 

[susiestar]

This woman has LOST HER MARBLES. I can see asking what gives the impression that you are anxious. Stupid is a word that not even Wiz dared to use to apply to me or anyone else in our family. It is one of my all time biggest hot buttons and I think the only time I ever slapped Jessie was over that word. She told me I was just stupid because I wouldn't do what she wanted. It was done to see if I would make her stop and that was very clear to me. She did NOT expect my hand across her face, and it shocked her enough that she hasn't ever applied the word again. Wiz watched, wincing, as the word came out of her mouth.

Ask Ms. Ally WHY you are supposed to ask your bully why you deserve to be bullied? She needs to hear that difficult child has been physically violent against all family members and you will NOT play victim by doing this koi. Tell her that it is NOT SAFE for you to go in during her rage and that she very well may send you to the hospital or morgue if you do that. Then flat out refuse and if she is upset insist on knowing WHY, as a victim, you are supposed to go and wave a red flag in front of your abuser's face? Is this what she would tell you to do if it were your husband treating you like this? What is she going to do about your hospital bills, the cost of the funeral, supporting the family after difficult child kills your or husband because she now has so much power?

Her approach is TOTALLY out of line. She is ONLY thinking about difficult child and NOT about the feelings or safety of anyone else in the family.

Families are systems just like an assembly line or anything else. If all the attention goes to one part, the entire thing will fail. If you send all the power to the ovens, then the bakery won't be able to mix the bread or clean the dishes and no bread will be made. IF all the attention and treatment and thought goes to difficult child and none to the rest of the family, then the entire things will fail.

I am FURIOUS over this plan. It is ABUSE of you. The symptoms you are having are those of fear and panic. in my opinion you need a therapist/psychiatrist of your own and to have them get in Ms Ally's face and tell her to find a new way to handle this because telling an abuser to tell you why you are stupid and anxious is just pouring gasoline on a roaring fire. If seh TRULY wants this to happen then Ms Ally needs to start living on your sofa (paying rent of course) and she needs to do it herself. Then SHE can go to the hospital or morgue, not you. Make SURE she knows that jsut the THOUGHT of this is giving you severe stress and PTSD and in NO way is this acceptable.

You do NOT have to "get over it" and just do this koi.

As for the horseback riding, WHY is it that you can not have something just for you? Does Ms Ally do NOTHING for herself, including a nasty, mean, abusive, ungrateful delusional child in everyhting she does to restore her sanity? HOW are you to raise a healthy young woman if you do not show that it is important that everyone has something that is just for them? Far from being selfish, this is self care and something we mothers MUST teach our kids. We didn't see our moms do this, or many of us did not, and it created the idea that we must give everythign to our family/children. That is NOT healthy and NO reputable therapist would say it is.

I wish I was close enough to come inject some sense into this woman. She reminds me of the student therapist who wanted me to give Wiz a token each time he was nice to Jessie. This guy was doing postdoctoral studies at Cinci dhildrens and though that this was a genius way to get Wiz to stop hurting Jessie. He was FURIOUS when I refused, saying I didn't care, didn't want Wiz to get better, was sacrificing him etc.... Then I asked what this was going to do to Jessie, the idea that people must be paid to not hurt her? Not just to be nice to her, but to not HURT her and leave her bruised/bloody? That barely stopped him in his outrage, but when I called his boss in to discuss it, SHE read him teh RIOT act. Cause you cannot treat a person in a vacuum. The entire family must be considered, and the welfare of ALL must be important.

Besides, nothing you do/say is ever going to make a real dent in how a difficult child sees you - esp one who is totally sure she is right and you are wrong.