Can I trust her when she says she wants to change?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by SadFlower, Nov 20, 2015.

  1. SadFlower

    SadFlower Member

    Daughter told me in a very determined way that she is not going to use drugs anymore. I'm not sure whether to believe her or not, with everything that happened here recently. When I asked her what led her to that decision, she just shrugged and looked at me.
    I guess her actions will tell me what I need to know, but I keep thinking... can I believe her?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Not unless she backs it up with actions. My daughter told me this many times before she really quit. Words are cheap actions are everything.
    Is she dropping her drug friends? All of them? That is your biggest clue. Thats the first thing my daughter did,,,leave the state to a relative and cut all ties to drug friends and did not have friends in her new state until she met her boyfriend.
    My saughter got a job. She had to and ftom even on chicagos cold westher. She dif it.
    She difnt ask us for money or anything else.
    Shr did not.get onto lehsl trouble.
    My dsughtet quit without rehab but many people need rehab. Will your daughter go and work hard at it?
    It is hard to quit any substance. Thr person has to be willing to change his entire life. It can be done with dedication, willingness and hard work. Words mean nothing. The hard part is detoxing and learning to live a straight adult life.
    I would not take her seriously unless she proves her words. She will likely need a lot of professional help to stop. She will need new friends and a new attitude.
    Only you can watch and see if she means ut or offer rehab and see if she will go and how she does there.
    Hugs for your hurting heart. Keep us posted.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You can believe that she means it, that may be how she is feeling at the moment.
    However it doesn't mean that she will follow through and be able to do it. So yes it is her actions that will tell you if she can and will do it.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    My daughter said that after she had her son on the hospital and was taken away in chains after giving birth. I believe she really did mean it but without proper treatment she couldn't stay clean. She is graduating tomorrow from an 11 month program - that has shown me how serious she is...
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with both SWOT and TL. I heard my daughter say that many times and deep down she had no intentions of following through. It wasn't until she finally saw her life completely out of control that it made a difference.

    I hope what she is saying is followed up by action.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    SF, do you remember being 13?
    What a confusing age it is.
    Add all of the changes you both have had. Ouch.

    I just listened to a Ted Talk by Brene Brown and she shared a bit about a conversation she had with her young teen aged girl, and wished it had gone better, more empathetic.
    It can be viewed at 2:19 in the video.

    I think it is very important when we deal with teenagers, to have empathy for them, because it can be so lonely, being a teen. Everything is happening so quickly, hormones, social issues, temptations, drugs.

    That is awesome that your girl has expressed that she wants to change and doesn't want to do drugs.

    I had some rough times with my two, when they were teens. It was very traumatic and frustrating.

    The house was heavy with it.

    I am thinking that the first reaction I would have as a Mom, out of shear anxiety from what I was dealing with-
    I would be like "Yeah right".

    Now after the Frankl and Brown video, I am thinking,
    "What if I would have said something like- That is wonderful that you would like to change, it is exciting. Not doing drugs is a great start. Can I help you with this?


    I remember as a teen, I just wanted someone to believe in me.

    I do hope that your daughter takes steps to put action to these words. I really do think she would benefit from expressions of encouragement and belief.

    Hang in there, it is a tough road, but you can do this SF.

    Hoping the brightest of hopes for you both,


  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    In short, what an addict says means nothing. Actions speak volumes.

  8. SadFlower

    SadFlower Member

    You're all right: it's her actions that count. On the other hand, I don't want to make it looks like I don't take her words seriously. I want to make her feel strong and I don't know how. That's the essence of it, I guess....I want to help her believe that she deserves better, because she does,and because seeing her go through this mess is tearing me up.

    SWOT - right now, she only leaves home for school or with me (for other things). I know she still talks to them at school; she has no other friends there. I don't know if she's as close with them as she used to be, before things got all crazy, but she definitely doesn't sound as "in love" with them as she used to be - she used to idolize those kids, and now she tells me bits and pieces about less-than-stellar stuff 1-2 of them did.

    Leaf - I remember being 13, and I wouldn't go back there no matter how much they'd pay me :) I know she's lonely. I know she's fighting. I know she's trying to figure things out. I ended up telling her that I think it's great, and I hope we'll be able to have fun doing more productive activities... trying to find what to say, it's like walking on eggshells again. I don't feel all happy and excited, but I can't let her see just how scared I am for her. It might make her think that I don't believe she can do it.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Keep up the focus on the positive things you are adding to her life.
    Watch for her doing little things that you appreciate, and then put a little thank-you note on her pillow.
    Even if she's not stellar, tell her often that you love her. In words and actions.
    Buy her flowers - for no reason at all.

    Do all of this for your other child, too. They don't have to mess up to be loved and surprised and given opportunities...
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh SF, it is tough, dealing with our teens. They can be so dang snarky. Add all the other stuff, exhausting. I feel you. 100%. (((HUGS)))
    Me too, 13? Uh uh. It's bad enough being my age with raging hormones, gray hair and wrinkles,I say to myself, "Geez, why do we have to go through puberty twice?" Really, menopause is an "un-puberty"...I digress..

    Eggshells, no fun. Less is more. Little things mean a lot. Secret notes in her back pack. "I really love you and am proud of you, you can do this." Kids that age love notes.
    She is probably scared, too SF. I know it is a while before she sees a therapist. Hang in there and be yourself. Small doses of love do wonders. Remember to take time for yourself too. I hope that is possible. We are all so swamped now a days.

    I saw something really cool on Facebook. A SPED teacher decided to create a daily ritual for his SPED kids. He sat in his chair at the front of the class, and each of the kids would walk up to him, and he would tell them kind, caring positive things. He said the transformation was amazing. The kids started to be kinder to one another.

    Doesn't have to be a speech. A favorite little treat. A wink, a smile. Read her homework and point out her smartness. Little stuff.

    Hang in there SF. You are not alone. We are here pulling for you and your girl to come through this.
  11. SadFlower

    SadFlower Member

    I'm really sad to write this... but her determination didn't last long. I came home and found the 19 year old boyfriend there. He left after I threatened to call the police and report him as a sax offender. It got very ugly with daughter... she screamed and fought and was just not herself. I'm sure she was high on something.
    I called the emergency number again and the resource officer told me to bring her in first thing in the morning... so I'm going to be late for work at a very short notice.
    Where do I go from here? This is like a punch in the stomach...
    A friend I called suggested sending her to a wilderness program over the summer for just a few weeks. Does anybody have any experience with these programs? Do they help in any way? I'm really, really hesitant on sending her anywhere on her own.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I haven't heard of much success with wilderness programs.

    She will continue to bounce around. She doesn't have the skills and abilities yet to go in a different direction. That doesn't mean she doesn't want to.

    Do you know the name, address, etc. of the boyfriend? I don't know if it would help to get a restraining order on him. A guy that age interested in a 13 year old is always bad news.
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Not sure what state you are in but here it would be against the law. Hopefully the resource officer can help with that. I had them talk to an 18 year old who was driving my 14 year old home from the skate park.

    I am Leary about wilderness programs but there are growth programs out there for young teens. Be sure to check any program out carefully.
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh no, I am sorry to know this SadFlower. It is frustrating, for sure. This 19 year old is bad news.I hope the resource officer is able to help you. I wish there were some immediate options, I know you were saying it is a month before she can see the new therapist.
    I hope you are able to get some answers today.

    I know how tough this is. Been there. I think one thing I would have done differently, looking back, I was tired and angry and frustrated.
    I would have told my daughters more, that I loved them too much to see them throw their lives away, that they had a bright future ahead of them.
    I am sorry I do not have more answers for you. It is heart breaking.
    I pray for your strength, and that your daughter wakes up and realizes the mistakes of her actions.

  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    SadFlower, I wanted to add that, for all my encouragement to be positive, to tell your daughter you love her, to tell her positive things, I remember how darn difficult that was, and is, in the throes of it all.
    I remember being angry and frustrated, and sad, and mad. Having to take off of work, and go to the counselors. Finding out stuff about my kid, I really didn't want to know, or even know how to deal with. Feeling like I was not getting the help I needed, with the system. It is hard.
    I wish I could help you more, or know of programs you could get your girl into.
    I hope your visit with the resource officer today, brings you more results and solutions for your daughter.

    Hang in there SadFlower, you are a good mom, you are trying your best in a very difficult situation.
    Keep posting and let us know how you and your girl are doing.
    It helps to have a safe place to come and get it out. You are not alone.
    Hang in there.
  16. SadFlower

    SadFlower Member

    Hi all, I really want to thank you guys again for all the encouragement... you have no idea what it means to me.

    The visit went well. It took some convincing but she eventually gave the resource officer the details of the 19-year-old. He said that he would get a restraining order against him and also press for his arrest.

    I've decided against a wilderness program. Most of them cost way more than I could afford anyway. And I've read so many horror stories about them online! It looks like in many of them, the people who are with the kids day in day out are for the most part fresh college grad who have no training except for a basic first aid course.

    Daughter repeats again and again that she would like to go "elsewhere" and starts over. She talks about how much she hates being adopted. I think she has a fantasy that her birth mother has actually wanted to keep her and that she was given up by some accident. I told her again that I wouldn't mind her finding her birth mother and re-connecting. We talked about maybe taking online classes next semester instead of staying at school and she liked the idea. We might do that.

    I just can't wait until we start therapy! We need some serious help here and it doesn't look like we've getting much :(
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    That is good news SF. That's a good start that she has given the details. I hope the restraining order does happen, and you are able to keep this 19 year old away from your girl. I hope the resource officer is able to press for arrest. It is wrong for this young man to take advantage of your girl.
    You both have had so much going on in such a short time.13 is such a hard age. So many questions and it can be confusing. Kids at school can be mean. You mentioned horseback riding in a previous post. Does she like horses? If she takes online classes, what will she do while you are at work?
    I feel you there. What is there for folks in your situation? I was stumped for my child as well at this age. This "resource" officer, is that through school? No suggestions, or solutions? 13, still so young, but in an almost adult body. Clever enough to sneak out and do whatever. Still so easily impressionable, and swayed by the wrong crowd. I remember it so clearly with my girl. It is tough SF. I pray that you find help and peace. So sorry I do not have any suggestions for you.
    You are not alone. One day at a time.
    Hang in there.
  18. SadFlower

    SadFlower Member

    New Leaf, thank you so much... this is SO difficult. I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't even know what to tell her (especially when she goes into those rants about how Americans suck and know nothing about foreign cultures and that her original culture was "stolen" from her).

    I came back home to find the 19-year-old boyfriend there, again... grrr!!! But before I even said anything, I saw daughter punch him in the face and kick him in a very sensitive area... he pushed her and she punched him again. I have NEVER, even seen daughter hit anyone - I had no idea she can fight like that. She yelled at him all kinds of expletives. I was totally stunned. It was only when he ran off that I stepped forward. Daughter was so upset she was shaking and couldn't talk without yelling. I got her inside and make her some tea and she slowly calmed down. Then she told me that he wanted her to sleep because she supposedly "owes" him.

    I'm still stunned by the developments... daughter keeps complaining about that guy and says he's a "creep". I hope it'll be a good lesson for her.

    Yes, she rides horses, which I think will eventually have a good influence of her. One day at a time... we'll eventually make it.
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sounds like she may be on-side with getting a restraining order. If that hasn't been done yet - I don't remember.
    Adoption is a huge challenge to begin with. Cross-cultural and international adoption multiplies the challenge. She isn't wrong about all this. I'm not sure who the therapist is that you are waiting to have the first appointment with, but ideally it would be somebody with experience in intercultural/international adoption.
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Sadflower, I am so sorry for all of this drama. I know your plate is over filled with everything going on in your life, divorce, move, new job, new school. What you are going through is very, very, tough.

    My children are mixed-Caucasian, Hawaiian, Chinese. There is an on-going cultural renaissance, and there are real, true historical breaches between the U.S.and Hawaii. There are many different attitudes towards this. Some have accepted it, others are pushing for Hawaiian sovereignty.
    My feeling is that it is intrinsic to my children's health to know their culture, to feel a sense of pride in their origins. I don't know if there are organizations where you are that teach your daughters cultural dances, language, poetry, stories, but that may be a start for her. You could suggest to her that she look into it. In other words, rather than anger towards the U.S., she opens up doors to understanding her own culture.

    I do not wish to offend you, but, Sadflower, please do not call him a boyfriend.
    He is a young adult taking advantage of a distraught, mixed up girl. In most states, a 19 year old seeking a 13 year old is considered unlawful. He has no right and should have no business with your daughter.

    Let her know that it is her body, her right. I am glad that she resisted and fought him. This may be a way for you to go get that restraining order. He is pressuring her for sex, why does she owe him? Has he been feeding her meth? I shudder, SF, to think of it. It repulses me, reminds me of my daughter at this age with that 21 year old. What, and why does a 19 year old man, want anything to do with a 13 year old?

    She is trying to tell you something here, SF. She may be conflicted, and not value herself enough to kick him to the curb.
    He is a creep SF.
    Help her know that this is not how a girl is supposed to be treated. Help her to get a restraining order. She needs to be protected from this, from him. He needs to know that if he tries to contact her, police will become involved. That may keep him away from her.
    There are news stories everywhere of how addicts seek out youngsters this age, to turn them. It is easy, because this is such an impressionable age. They look for kids like your daughter, who are lost and angry.
    She needs help with this, it is too big for her to handle. He is abusing and using her.
    Yes, I think you are right in this with the horses. They have a way with people.

    SF, there is a good article that Cedar posted in the Watercooler

    I thought it had some good points.

    I wish you peace and hope you are able to take some quality time for yourself. This is all very exhausting.

    Stay strong! You are doing this one day at a time.
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2015