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Can we now talk about boundaries in relation to the word "NO?"
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 627563" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>CoM took the words out of my mouth. It's in the phrasing, and the focus. Saying, "I am making a decision not to let you talk about him to me again" means you're trying to control what she does. It's not up to you to "let" her do anything - she doesn't need your permission (them's fightin' words, even to me.. ha). It's about <u>your</u> boundary, <u>your</u> choice, <u>your</u> decision not to engage in the conversation. Saying "I can't talk about this right now" is not controlling in the least. </p><p> </p><p>My fear of saying "no" used to be about avoidance of conflict. Sometimes I just didn't want to deal with the backlash. But I always ended up with more stress than I bargained for, I wasn't being true to myself and my own needs. I had to learn to say no for my own sanity. I worked hard on shifting focus in that area -- if I say "no" and someone doesn't like it, that's on them, not me. I shouldn't feel guilty for standing up for myself. I've been called names, threatened with being "cut off," told that "everyone" thinks I'm a "horrible grandmother," any number of things. That reaction doesn't make ME a bad person, it makes THEM one for saying such things to me. And none of those threats ever panned out anyway, they were empty. I eventually learned to just cut them off with "I'm not going to listen to this, we'll talk later. Love you, bye."</p><p> </p><p>As I say ad nauseum, it takes practice -- practice, practice, practice. I worked hard on this with a great therapist who'd kick me in the butt whenever I let it get to me.</p><p> </p><p>"No" is indeed a complete sentence.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 627563, member: 1157"] CoM took the words out of my mouth. It's in the phrasing, and the focus. Saying, "I am making a decision not to let you talk about him to me again" means you're trying to control what she does. It's not up to you to "let" her do anything - she doesn't need your permission (them's fightin' words, even to me.. ha). It's about [U]your[/U] boundary, [U]your[/U] choice, [U]your[/U] decision not to engage in the conversation. Saying "I can't talk about this right now" is not controlling in the least. My fear of saying "no" used to be about avoidance of conflict. Sometimes I just didn't want to deal with the backlash. But I always ended up with more stress than I bargained for, I wasn't being true to myself and my own needs. I had to learn to say no for my own sanity. I worked hard on shifting focus in that area -- if I say "no" and someone doesn't like it, that's on them, not me. I shouldn't feel guilty for standing up for myself. I've been called names, threatened with being "cut off," told that "everyone" thinks I'm a "horrible grandmother," any number of things. That reaction doesn't make ME a bad person, it makes THEM one for saying such things to me. And none of those threats ever panned out anyway, they were empty. I eventually learned to just cut them off with "I'm not going to listen to this, we'll talk later. Love you, bye." As I say ad nauseum, it takes practice -- practice, practice, practice. I worked hard on this with a great therapist who'd kick me in the butt whenever I let it get to me. "No" is indeed a complete sentence. [/QUOTE]
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Can we now talk about boundaries in relation to the word "NO?"
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