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Can we now talk about boundaries in relation to the word "NO?"
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 627687" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Right, COM. Well, I don't want to talk to her even when she's calm. It never lasts more than a few months and she does the cut off with cops at times. I just think it's best if I don't deal with her. She is very bad for my mental health. This tiff happened five days ago or so and it STILL is bothering me. Usually I feel at peace. Now I don't. And I don't know how to put her in the background and forget about her hurtful ninety-fifth cut off and the "win" she thinks she scored. </p><p></p><p>My family of origin is mostly deceased. There were few of them. So I don't have to deal with anybody like her except her. Thirty six (the three on keyboard is broke...need new keyboard) is easier to reason with than she is and when he is not under stress he can actually be nice and he'd NEVER cut me out...and he isn't getting any money from me. He likes having me in his life. So he is not as toxic to me as Sis is. When he is being toxic, I let him know we will not have much talking time together...usually he backs off then. She absolutely will not. She tries very hard to get my goat and she knows all the right buttons to push. It is unusual for me to still be angry at somebody a week later. I usually get angry, then it dissipates. </p><p></p><p>This alone is reason enough for me to keep her at a far distance and not invite her to join me again. She isn't in therapy to change how she treats other people because she truly believes she's a really great person. Therefore, there is no chance she will change. </p><p></p><p>To be brutally honest to your folks in here, whom I trust, I really DON'T want to hear about K. anymore. He is almost all she ever talks about and it is mostly about the horrible ways he manipulates her, dismisses her, gaslights her, verbally abuses her, stalks her with texting, and won't let her go even after she breaks up with him (but of course if she really wanted to break up with him, she'd do it). It's the same story ad nauseum for three years and I feel I listened patiently. The more I heard about him, the worse he sounded. I was seriously scared for Sis. I started getting agitated hearing about him because it was like listening to the same thing over and over again with no conclusion, and I wondered what he'd really do to her one day. He is a heavy drinker and can not handle his alcohol. He has blackouts. </p><p></p><p>I gently prepared her for not being her confidante about K. anymore. I sent her a great book and said, lightly, "Now you won't have to ask me my opinion about K. Just look it up in the book. I agree with everything in it." I told her a few times, again gently, "I think it is harming my serenity to listen to your stories about K. I don't really want to talk about him anymore."</p><p></p><p>When she said, "I have to talk about him. He's a big part of my life. You can not control what I say" I thought about it and texted back, "You're right. It's controlling. You can talk about whomever you like. However, I can not promise to give any info you share with me about K. my full attention and I have decided not to give you feedback because it often causes conflict and I don't think he is worth our relationship."</p><p></p><p>But she loves him. Go figure.</p><p></p><p>I feel I have always been there for her. Not saying I never got mad or said or did things to irk her, but I was in her corner when she needed it the most. I can honestly say, she has never been there for me. I can't remember one time she put herself out for my benefit. During my divorce, she did not listen nonstop to the horrors of my lovelife (of course, I never dated anymkore like K. I would have kicked him to the curb...I had enough sense to dump a man who would not introduce me to his 14 and 16 year old kid after three years of dating, who would not tell his ex wife about me, who spent all his holidays with his ex, her family, and his kids and who only saw her when he was not busy with his kids and his ex and felt horny. And, on top of that, he'd lash out at her terribly and she would take it from him. That is not my kind of man."</p><p></p><p>It does not get past me that she allows him to beat her up emotionally from head to toe and treat her like total crapola, by her own words, yet if I say one thing she doesn't like she won't talk to me for months. Guess I know where I rate on her scale of importance and,a lthough it hurts now, I feel get over it and move on. </p><p></p><p>I do not see a way to save this relationship since it never was one. We would talk for a few months, Sis would get PO'd over something that I usually didn't even know she thought I did, and we'd be off again. We were off more than on and it was 100% her doing. </p><p></p><p>If anyone has words I can tell myself when it hurts me, please share them. I know I'll be okay, but until the bad taste is gone, I wish I had some wish words to think about every time I am angry at Sis for doing it again, getting the satisfaction, and tricking me all over again after promising not to do this again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 627687, member: 1550"] Right, COM. Well, I don't want to talk to her even when she's calm. It never lasts more than a few months and she does the cut off with cops at times. I just think it's best if I don't deal with her. She is very bad for my mental health. This tiff happened five days ago or so and it STILL is bothering me. Usually I feel at peace. Now I don't. And I don't know how to put her in the background and forget about her hurtful ninety-fifth cut off and the "win" she thinks she scored. My family of origin is mostly deceased. There were few of them. So I don't have to deal with anybody like her except her. Thirty six (the three on keyboard is broke...need new keyboard) is easier to reason with than she is and when he is not under stress he can actually be nice and he'd NEVER cut me out...and he isn't getting any money from me. He likes having me in his life. So he is not as toxic to me as Sis is. When he is being toxic, I let him know we will not have much talking time together...usually he backs off then. She absolutely will not. She tries very hard to get my goat and she knows all the right buttons to push. It is unusual for me to still be angry at somebody a week later. I usually get angry, then it dissipates. This alone is reason enough for me to keep her at a far distance and not invite her to join me again. She isn't in therapy to change how she treats other people because she truly believes she's a really great person. Therefore, there is no chance she will change. To be brutally honest to your folks in here, whom I trust, I really DON'T want to hear about K. anymore. He is almost all she ever talks about and it is mostly about the horrible ways he manipulates her, dismisses her, gaslights her, verbally abuses her, stalks her with texting, and won't let her go even after she breaks up with him (but of course if she really wanted to break up with him, she'd do it). It's the same story ad nauseum for three years and I feel I listened patiently. The more I heard about him, the worse he sounded. I was seriously scared for Sis. I started getting agitated hearing about him because it was like listening to the same thing over and over again with no conclusion, and I wondered what he'd really do to her one day. He is a heavy drinker and can not handle his alcohol. He has blackouts. I gently prepared her for not being her confidante about K. anymore. I sent her a great book and said, lightly, "Now you won't have to ask me my opinion about K. Just look it up in the book. I agree with everything in it." I told her a few times, again gently, "I think it is harming my serenity to listen to your stories about K. I don't really want to talk about him anymore." When she said, "I have to talk about him. He's a big part of my life. You can not control what I say" I thought about it and texted back, "You're right. It's controlling. You can talk about whomever you like. However, I can not promise to give any info you share with me about K. my full attention and I have decided not to give you feedback because it often causes conflict and I don't think he is worth our relationship." But she loves him. Go figure. I feel I have always been there for her. Not saying I never got mad or said or did things to irk her, but I was in her corner when she needed it the most. I can honestly say, she has never been there for me. I can't remember one time she put herself out for my benefit. During my divorce, she did not listen nonstop to the horrors of my lovelife (of course, I never dated anymkore like K. I would have kicked him to the curb...I had enough sense to dump a man who would not introduce me to his 14 and 16 year old kid after three years of dating, who would not tell his ex wife about me, who spent all his holidays with his ex, her family, and his kids and who only saw her when he was not busy with his kids and his ex and felt horny. And, on top of that, he'd lash out at her terribly and she would take it from him. That is not my kind of man." It does not get past me that she allows him to beat her up emotionally from head to toe and treat her like total crapola, by her own words, yet if I say one thing she doesn't like she won't talk to me for months. Guess I know where I rate on her scale of importance and,a lthough it hurts now, I feel get over it and move on. I do not see a way to save this relationship since it never was one. We would talk for a few months, Sis would get PO'd over something that I usually didn't even know she thought I did, and we'd be off again. We were off more than on and it was 100% her doing. If anyone has words I can tell myself when it hurts me, please share them. I know I'll be okay, but until the bad taste is gone, I wish I had some wish words to think about every time I am angry at Sis for doing it again, getting the satisfaction, and tricking me all over again after promising not to do this again. [/QUOTE]
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Can we now talk about boundaries in relation to the word "NO?"
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