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Parent Emeritus
Can we talk about what boundaries really mean?
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 626998" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>Boundaries are about self-preservation, in my opinion. In that way, some would consider them "selfish." Having healthy boundaries means you won't allow people to take advantage of you. I don't think that's about trying to control the other person, although a manipulative person will certainly try to turn it around to make it seem that way.</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps it's in the approach. Your sister is right in that you can't tell her what to talk about, and you shouldn't try. I wouldn't set it up as a "request" for her to stop talking about various issues - phrase it so it's about you, not her. When one of my kids is pulling me into their drama, I say, "look, I appreciate that you need to talk about this, but I can't deal with it right now. It's stressing me out, and it's not even my problem. It might be better for you to find someone else to talk to, someone that's not so emotionally involved." If they accuse me of being selfish, so be it. I don't let myself be sucked into that manipulation. </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes boundaries can be set in place without even verbally expressing them. You simply change the subject, or get off the phone. Remember that list we created years ago, with what to say to our difficult children? That applies to other relatives, too <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 626998, member: 1157"] Boundaries are about self-preservation, in my opinion. In that way, some would consider them "selfish." Having healthy boundaries means you won't allow people to take advantage of you. I don't think that's about trying to control the other person, although a manipulative person will certainly try to turn it around to make it seem that way. Perhaps it's in the approach. Your sister is right in that you can't tell her what to talk about, and you shouldn't try. I wouldn't set it up as a "request" for her to stop talking about various issues - phrase it so it's about you, not her. When one of my kids is pulling me into their drama, I say, "look, I appreciate that you need to talk about this, but I can't deal with it right now. It's stressing me out, and it's not even my problem. It might be better for you to find someone else to talk to, someone that's not so emotionally involved." If they accuse me of being selfish, so be it. I don't let myself be sucked into that manipulation. Sometimes boundaries can be set in place without even verbally expressing them. You simply change the subject, or get off the phone. Remember that list we created years ago, with what to say to our difficult children? That applies to other relatives, too :) [/QUOTE]
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Can we talk about what boundaries really mean?
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