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Parent Emeritus
Can we talk about what boundaries really mean?
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<blockquote data-quote="Calamity Jane" data-source="post: 627003" data-attributes="member: 13882"><p>Maybe your sister feels like you're abandoning her when you tell her you won't listen to her anymore. Is she in therapy by any chance? If not, would you feel comfortable telling her that unless/until she seeks professional help with this issue, you simply cannot hear about the abuse? By labeling you as controlling and manipulative, I think your sister is "guilting" you, or hijacking the relationship. By default, an abusive relationship is all about control, and she clearly does not have control with her boyfriend. She is afraid of losing any sense of control now in your relationship, and it must be frustrating for her. That's why she's ratcheting up the nasty talk about your borderline. I guess I would gently tell her the next time it comes up in your conversation, that you understand and appreciate her need to talk about what's going on with her boyfriend, but that a professional's advice would be so much better for her than your sympathy alone.</p><p>Look, it's the same thing as if she was telling you she had perpetual agonizing headache. She could talk to you about it till the cows come home, but you aren't really capable of doing anything other than sympathizing. That could be a sign of many serious problems, but you're not equipped to do anything but listen, and it's very stressful. Your advice would be for her to get help for her problem. If she rejects your suggestion, and she probably will, you have no choice but to maintain boundaries. You must respect yourself and acknowledge your limits. You are not out of line here, she is. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/smile-new.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":smile-new:" title="smile-new :smile-new:" data-shortname=":smile-new:" /> Good luck; you're a dear person who cares about her sister - you have nothing to be confused about!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Calamity Jane, post: 627003, member: 13882"] Maybe your sister feels like you're abandoning her when you tell her you won't listen to her anymore. Is she in therapy by any chance? If not, would you feel comfortable telling her that unless/until she seeks professional help with this issue, you simply cannot hear about the abuse? By labeling you as controlling and manipulative, I think your sister is "guilting" you, or hijacking the relationship. By default, an abusive relationship is all about control, and she clearly does not have control with her boyfriend. She is afraid of losing any sense of control now in your relationship, and it must be frustrating for her. That's why she's ratcheting up the nasty talk about your borderline. I guess I would gently tell her the next time it comes up in your conversation, that you understand and appreciate her need to talk about what's going on with her boyfriend, but that a professional's advice would be so much better for her than your sympathy alone. Look, it's the same thing as if she was telling you she had perpetual agonizing headache. She could talk to you about it till the cows come home, but you aren't really capable of doing anything other than sympathizing. That could be a sign of many serious problems, but you're not equipped to do anything but listen, and it's very stressful. Your advice would be for her to get help for her problem. If she rejects your suggestion, and she probably will, you have no choice but to maintain boundaries. You must respect yourself and acknowledge your limits. You are not out of line here, she is. :smile-new: Good luck; you're a dear person who cares about her sister - you have nothing to be confused about! [/QUOTE]
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Can we talk about what boundaries really mean?
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