Canceling Christmas...has anyone done this?

mum2JK&TH

New Member
Christmas used to be a family holiday, now it has become a commercial holiday.

I would definately cancel the commercial part of Christmas for sure. It frustrates myself and my husband (more my husband) that the true meaning of Christmas is gone.

You are absolutely right when you say that presents are a priveledge, not a right. I think giving them to those who are less fortunate is a great idea, even let them see what they have missed out on.

I'm sorry that this is happening. I do agree that the holidays are harder for them, it always is here but there are things that I believe they can control they just "choose" not to.
 

isisdrms

New Member
I took away Christmas when difficult child was 11 yrs. He was not traumatized by it. If anything, difficult child was made well aware that his behavior was not acceptable. We are not religious so that part of Christmas is not an issue. It was the materialistic part of Christmas that difficult child wanted--presents, decorations, etc.

When he tried to start up again with his birthday a few months later, I had to do the same thing. By the next Christmas, I can guarantee you that his behavior had improved. He knew that I meant exactly what I threatened and that I would carry through.

Following holidays and special occasions--it only took one threat from me to stop bad behavior. difficult child proved he could control himself.

I absolutely don't think I'm a bad parent because of what I had to do to get difficult child's attention.

Mary
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Hi - Don't think we've spoken before. Nice to meet you. Glad you've found our soft place to land.

You know - at age 8 and 5 there are a lot of other behavior modifications that need to be put in place. Currently if I had to make a semi-educated guess based on the level of frustration in your post - I would say you are just flat worn out. You need a break. The word used in our circle of 1/2 life - is RESPITE.

If you have a caseworker, ask them TODAY if there are any weekend respite parents who could take difficult child from you for say a week or weekend. That would do a few things: It would give you a chance to mentally unwind, give easy child a break from the feeding frenzy that has now become " Gosh this is fun - we're getting a reaction out of Mom." and Gives difficult child an environment that is different, switches his gears and gives him a break from you. difficult child's usually at that age do well when you switch the environments - because while they are trying to adapt, their brain goes into stealth mode (which is a nice way of saying they are reformatting the little rat in their brain that seems to find every possible button to push where they are that moment." If you take him away from YOU - he has learned what pushes your buttons - but if you put him somewhere else despite that they are fast learners it usually comes out like he's an adorable child and his disability honeymoons - if even for a week. Guaranteed inside of a week he'd have them figured out too. (Mine took less than that) And then they will manipulate that situation just like you - except most respites can "tag team" each other -

Baby you are in the WWF smackdown tag team wrestling and your partner (easy child) has gone over to the dark side - difficult child. They are just feeding off each others energy.

I didn't have to cancel Christmas at 6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16, and 17 - my son has managed to be home for exactly 3 years out of those 11. One year I saved it all and had Christmas when he got out of a mental hospital - on Valentines Day. I think he was 11. And irregardless of what I ever bought for him - it was always destroyed by New Years. It broke my heart to see it year after year. It has me battling depression currently as I have canceled Christmas - the traditional version of tree, trimmings, presents - and the like - but I will always keep the reason for Christmas in my heart.
I canceled our celebration because I just can't fake one more day of difficult child being 'normal' to get, then I give and I'm back to the usual behaviors in less than a day.

My biggest problem with my son is that almost every year he COULD behave weeks before Christmas. He was pleasant - helpful, kind. I would choose to allow myself this guilty pleasure, but forgot to remember that it's only temporary. The part that the psychologist worked on with us is that if he can behave TEMPORARILY he DID have it in him TO BEHAVE but he made a CHOICE NOT TO. THAT - is the part that gets me the worst.

After all these years of hundreds of interventions, medications, behavior modifications and I might add BEING CONSISTANT BEYOND anyones wildest dreams - my son still chooses to have bad behaviors. So due to my depression and inability to fake it one more time - leaving me in a sadder state I have written my son and told him that due to all the years, the holidays, the effort on my part to try to keep the family facade up - I'm just too tired and stated he can't possibly expect me to go on being this sad about something that should make EVERYONE (not just him) happy and not just for a day.

It looks like you've gotten a lot of replies to your post. Take the best out of them, and do what you want for yourself and your kids. Maybe have this one last Christmas with them both and get with a good psychiatrist and set up a YEAR GOAL - that starts with Valentines day rewards - if the Month of january wasn't up to snuff or you had to give demerits - then there will be NO DOUBT what the consequence will be. Short term goals seem to work with these kids better and drive home a more thought provoking message. Like the party - I will tell you that you don't threaten - you make a statement and you only make it once. You can drop subtle reminders - but with kids 5 & 8 - constantly telling them over and over and over that you are going to do something is a HUGE parenting mistake. You say it once - then you level consequences. PERIOD NO EXCEPTIONS.

WE tend to make exceptions for our kids (or rather I did) because in the beginning it was just too freakin hard to constantly NOT do EVERYTHING. I would say OKAY - we were invited to a party tomorrow, going will depend on your behavior. And then he would act out, and I would think OH GOSH I NEED THIS PARTY I NEED TO BE AROUND OTHER ADULTS, so I would give him another chance, and another and another....and eventually what I taught my kid was that what I said was crud. It didn't hold water - I could say it, he would hear it and then he would hear the 15 warning shrieks and it wasn't until he had TOTALLY exhausted my psyche - that I would relent and give in and cancel an event that would have been fun for us both. Make any sense?

So whether you do or don't cancel Christmas is up to you. I would have a serious talk with my kids - and tell them Santa has 10 presents for each of them. HOWEVER you have been instructed that each time one of them says a bad name or misbehaves - you are to (get out a real check list , 2 columns # 1-10_ each childs name at the top of the list) and when/if they cross the line - TAKE A BIG RED PEN OUT AND CROSS OFF A NUMBER starting at the bottom.) Then show them the list -

If they CAN behave - then this gives you something to let the psychiatrist know about their behavior. If you did this and got to tonight and all 10 gifts were crossed off - you've got bigger problems and need to all get into therapy. I highly recommend it - for YOUR sanity and THEIR behavior - and you will also (like I did) learn to communicate things like "IF I SAY IT ONE TIME" and mean it.

And if you don't like that idea - then maybe you can scale Christmas down just enough so that you don't feel like a putz for going the extra mile for them both - and feeling like you aren't getting the love you are looking for in return. Hide the presents and use them for the new Years - YOU CAN EARN THIS program.

Hope it works out for you - and I hope you really do get some respite. You need it, and you will feel energized and able to deal with difficult child for the holidays to come -

This year it really isn't about taking away Christmas from my son as much as it is self preservation from mental anxiety. I hope you never ever get to the point I have been the last few weeks. And irregardless of canceling or not - I wish you A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Hugs
Starbie the lengthy writer Barbie -
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
I would like to know more about what happened that night. I mean if they were talking to you that way, why were they even around you long enough to make you that angry? Did you send them to their room? What happened? Give the step-by-step. I am thinking this could have ended differently, but need more details.

And, no, I would not take Xmas away. Ever. Period. I took away Halloween once and it broke my heart, and my difficult children heart. It did not teach what I wanted it to teach.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Some more thoughts on ways to de-commercialise Christmas:

A friend of mine spends her Christmas Day serving meals at a shelter for the homeless. Various local churches have a general gathering for people who would otherwise be alone, they often welcome an extra pair of hands. It exposes you to people who otherwise live lonely, impoverished lives.

Other people I know will spend their day at nursing homes (especially the low-budget ones) taking small gifts (a bar of soap; a new face washer; a lavender bag) to hand out. Don't take food items unless you check with the staff first, in case the person you are giving it to is not permitted that food on their diet (they could be diabetic, they might be restricted to foods of a certain texture).

There are ways to teach children the good, giving meaning of Christmas in a positive way.

When I was a child I was also hooked on the gifts and "what will I get?" side of Christmas. It's only natural. But our church also used to take the young people carol-singing at night on Christmas Eve, travelling around the community to sing carols outside the homes of people who were ill, elderly, isolated in some way or just chosen at random. I learnt to see the happiness we brought to people and enjoy it. It was a classic Pavlovian conditioned response - while we were doing this good deed, my mind was still caught up with the anticipation of the next day's gift-giving, but over the few years of my youth I came to enjoy the carol-singing for its own sake, and to really look forward to it and not the gifts (which were usually an anti-climax anyway). By the time I was ten years old, when I looked back on the joy of each previous Christmas it was to remember the camaraderie of singing together to make other people happy.

That didn't happen overnight. It took several years of getting that lesson.

Laws have changed, society has changed and we can't sing carols on Christmas Eve like we used to; it's just not the same.

Children are born to be selfish. A newborn baby is programmed to let you know by crying, when he needs to be fed or is uncomfortable. Everything the baby does revolves around getting what he wants. As the children grow we try to change them from this into creatures more aware of the need to belong to a larger group and consider the needs of the group rather than their own. But it takes time and often only happens partly. Most adult humans are also basically motivated by self-interest. We work, as a society, by 'selling' the idea of teamwork, but mostly we use the carrot on the stick of "what will you get out of this, personally, for helping me?"

As for breaking presents so soon after Christmas - I remember a nephew of mine whose parents were wealthy (at the time) but time-poor. They bought some lovely gifts for their son for Christmas, I remember I had a lot of fun playing with him with his toys. But I also saw him making concerted efforts to break them, as if testing to see how tough the toys really were (he was a good ad for Fisher-Price, I recall). I felt so sad looking at him - he had always had anything he wanted in terms of toys. But as a son he was sidelined. I'm glad he's grown up into a son who is close to his parents (now poor - they went bankrupt when the boy was in his teens).

We sometimes teach our kids to be selfish, even when trying not to. It's so hard. They cry that some kid at school has such-and-such a toy and he will die if he doesn't have it. We walk a parental tightrope between over-indulgence and envy. And often the kid has both to contend with - getting too much and STILL not happy.

difficult child 3 has been especially difficult to teach "don't be selfish". What has been working best on him, is getting him to manage a budget, to be spent ONLY on other people. He has to shop around, look for a gift suited to that person but not spend so much on one person that he hasn't got anything left to spend on anybody else. He then has to wrap the gift (removing the price tag, of course) and write a gift tag. He then has to wait (keeping the secret) until it's time to give the gift. We talk about the gifts, what we will give the person and why. Of course he gets excited (and impatient) about his own gifts (what he's getting) but he is slowly getting the 'giving' message. We've tried many things, this is what has worked best for us.

The trouble is, it takes time and energy, things which you sound very short of right now. I agree with those who have suggested respite - even if you only have one at a time in respite, it would help (divide and conquer). You could work with each child individually, maybe have more chance of getting through to him as well as getting your own sense of perspective and control back.

I wish you the best with it, and if I don't get to communicate with you before, I hope you all have a better Christmas and New Year than you have anticipated. I wish that for all of us.

Marg
 
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