Can't catch a break...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Mar 2, 2017.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I have pretty much shared about younger Difficult Child, her drug use, not returning home, and time in juvenile detention. The last two weeks have been pretty good. Of course, last week, and this week, I had to rake her up to a total of 8 appointments. Two visits by family preservation, two to court services office, one to psychologist, one to substance abuse counselor, nurse practitioner for medications check, and one to family doctor.

    Just when things start going smooth, older Difficult Child starts up. Not with extreme behavior...but with her usual oblivious thinking. She has never been able to hold a job past three months. By that point of time, she "realizes" that all the other employees and supervisors are idiots, or there is something going on that she "has" to have off work for.

    Plus, her car has major problems. I think when she first got it, she hit a couple of curbs really hard. Her new tires were wearing out really bad. Turns out it didn't need an alignment, at least not until she replaces some car part, that I can't think of the name. Something is bent, and they can't align tires until it is replaced.

    She lost her job this past weekend. It was probably the perfect job for her...a small diner with a great clientele. She worked from 8am to 2 pm four days a week. Her dads girlfriend has worked there for 5 years. Her job was a helper...give people menus, refill coffee, clear tables, run cash register. She made above minimum wage hourly, plus was tipped out by three waitresses.

    Two weeks ago a classmate committed suicide. She knew him and took it hard. But then, she missed work, because she was "too emotional to work". Or she showed up for work, but wasn't doing her job. Then the next week was the memorial...she wanted to take Friday off work...(it was from 6to 8pm) but I tried to talk her in to working, as she wanted to drive my car to the service 30 miles away). I wouldn't let her, unless she worked.

    Then she managed to get the next day off! My son told me she told them she didn't have a way home from the memorial in the other town... But she drove my car home, then went back to the town with someone else, as a group were going to hang out together.

    Then, she didn't show for her Sunday shift! She told me yesterday, she must have eaten something bad, and was up all night throwing up...then fell asleep right before she was suppose to be at work and didn't wake up til after her shift was over.

    Younger Difficult Child thinks she got drunk Saturday and that is why she was throwing up... She hasn't been to her dads house for about 10 days... She told me yesterday, she was going home. But then last night, called me for a ride, but to go somewhere else!

    This behavior is her norm... Last year, another classmate died from a car accident, and she fell apart. It is like death and drama is a magnet...she is drawn to it. I guess I could understand it if it was a close friend, but these were not people I would consider "friends"... More like someone she knew.

    i hate to see her struggle...she did ask me to make an appointment. with her previous psychologist...which we did yesterday. I thought she wanted the appointment because of her deteriorating relationships... Nope. To talk about her grief.

    I wanted her to discuss how everything around her is falling apart, and how things might have been better if she had reacted differently and made better choices. To own her part in things. Nope.

    Spending 4 hours with her reminds me why I am so glad she doesn't live with us. I miss her, but I don't think I could handle it 24/7. It is the "circular" talking and thinking that drives me nuts.

  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Sorry Ksm.....sounds exhausting!
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Just today, I was telling husband that I wished older Difficult Child would enlist in the army. Then she would have a place to live, food, medical care, and someone keeping her on a schedule. A mom can dream...they would probably send her home before boot camp was over.

    She would have multiple aches and pains and complain "Bigly".

  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son sounds like your older girl.

    As you may be aware he has been living with us or near us for a year which had been characterized by the same pushing and pulling as defined our relationship in the years 19 through 23. He is now 28.

    I wanted him to go to the military but he could not be considered due to a chronic illness.

    I want to say this about our experiencing vicariously their ups and downs, ins and outs: There comes a point when they hear us, but until then they will override anything we do to reverse the tide. Because that is what it is like: an ocean tide.

    Until whatever it is that changes them, the currents, or weather or geology or whatever, they will prevail.

    Our trying to prevent it or guide it or control it does not one thing. I, too, know this from experience.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The military is not for anyone who cant take direction. My hub is a ten year vet. Your life belongs to them and you cant whine or deviate. Only if somebody is able to put aside what they want to do and do well what is expected of you, it doesnt work. Many dont make it out of boot camp. A niece of mine was in the navy...many who started with her never finished boot camp. She was one of only 21 graduates and it had been a big class.

    I think that you have to go into it because you want to serve at all cost or it wont end well. A dishorable discharge is not good on ones record.

    You also have to be mentally stable enough to survive combat if you are sent into it, and I dont know if anyone is, really, let alone our struggling adult children. My husband was never sent into combat, but there are no guarantees. Plus he was ready to go,if sent. Im glad he didnt. It would have changed him and not for tje better. We know vets of all ages because of vet organizations he is in. The combat vets do tje absolute worst. Mental illness, disability, suicide, name is sad. And those dont count the ones who did not survive.

    Just a bit of my trivial opinion. Be glad your adult kids are safe from combat.
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    SWOT... I know, it's a dream. I think there are probably some areas of the military she could do. SHe has her CNA, she's of average intelligence. But at almost 19 she has a lot of maturing to do.

    Many people do mature and learn a trade in the military. But probably not most of our Difficult Child's. They are too distracted. Can't stick with things for very long before giving up.

  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Ksm, i agree. My husband got permission from his parents to join the Air Force at 17. He aced his GED. He then was trsined as an airline mechanic (very gifted with his hands) and learned to fly skillfully too.And, although not a difficult child, he was lucky his father was a cop so that he was spared tickets when he liked to drag race in high school. So not a goody two shoes.

    But he was steady and mature. He followed the rules. When his father died of cancer he paid the mortgage on his mothers house so she could recover and get a job when she was ready. She had always stayed home. And he brought her to Germany as a vacation...he was wprried sbout his mother, not consumed with himself. He drank and met girls on his free time, but never touched even pot. They were regularly drug tested. He had no mental health issues and is still very stable.

    This is not a portrait of our difficult kids unless they radically change. The military wont take just anyone anymore. They are picky. They have to change first, not the other way around...before the military is appropriate.

    I think the adults represented here are smart, but too defiant to be okay with the very strict unshakable rules the military entails, fresh from waking up at 5am to drug tests to doing things that are not fun.

    Oh, i know its a dream :). But its not realistic for adults who are immature and defiant to jpin the military. I know a lot of people read these forums and this is more for them than any of us. I think most of us realize what I wrote...

    Another misconception for younger Difficult Child kids is that military schools will straighten out our kids. Um, no. They dont want difficult kids and are more apt to tell you to come get your charge and pack his bags. They are not schools for troubled kids, although many parents think otherwise and learn.

    I wish you better days, ksm. And do take care of you. We are in the same age bracket. By our ages, we earned our own child rearing purple hearts, and I believe we deserve to relax. We cant live forever and our adult kids will need to do it without us one day. Right now, i say, what about YOUR dreams???

    Take care :)
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2017
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Today I spent over 4 hours with older Difficult Child. Three days ago she had a flat tire and left her car on a street. It was legally parked. I told her that we could use my AAA membership to get it towed. But she assured me a friend had a spare tire he was going to loan her.

    I warned her that the car could get towed. She said she checked the car every day to make sure the police had not put a notice on it that it needed to be moved. I told her that I wasn't sure she would get a 6 day notice like she believed.

    Once again, I was right. I drove by that street and noticed her car was gone. I reached a friend where she had been staying, to warn her. Then we spent 4 hours getting things straightened out.

    The towing company said $50 if we got it by 5pm. We couldn't drive it away because of the flat tire. I made her call and we found a used tire. Then the people at the car place helped her remove the tire, then we took tire to get new used tire placed on the rim, then back to the car place to put tire on.

    I asked their office if I could use my AAA card to pay for them helping us change the tire. And guess what?? She said AAA pays the same for a tire change as the tow (was towed 4 blocks). So she would call it even!

    I told Difficult Child that the costs incurred for tire would be considered part of her birthday present in two weeks. She turns 19.

    Next week...her car insurance runs out. From one crisis to another. No job...but she said she is "planning" on applying for jobs. Uhhh...she has had all week to apply for jobs...

  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    Couldn't "like" your drama but think you have endless energy!

    Son here desperately wants car but we are insisting he earns more...though I hate sharing mine.

    Such an expensive need in modern life....

    Treat yourself!
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I last saw older Difficult Child Saturday evening. She put her car in our back yard, ran in and said hi, grabbed a sweater from our finale box and left with a guy.

    He must have dropped her off here. She used our computer to check for messages, got her car and left again. She was still wearing the same clothes from 3 days ago. Sigh....

    She still hasn't gone gave to my sons home, applied for jobs, done her taxes...

  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    This story reminds me of our daughter in some ways. She has a mental illness and other health issues. I honestly think she can, at best, only work very PT.... But such work is hard to find. In the past (I think she might do better now...but unsure) She would luck out and find very PT work. BUT, she would get overly emotional with issues involving her friends and miss work way too easily. It was very upsetting to observe this. With her disabilities and very limited ability to even find very PT's sad that she didn't recognize all the complications involved here and push herself harder. I always say that our "special" kids don't seem to show gratefulness and put such high value on "friends," friends that might be fly by night and who have not proven themselves trustworthy in any way, shape or form. These things are hard to describe to others.

    Example. I went to a wedding recently. The daughter, the bride, graduated from college with an advanced degree and is doing very well with her degree and career. The mother mentioned at the wedding that when she (the daughter) was a young women, one summer she was bored and she asked how she could earn money. The mother pulled from her shelf a huge book that most (even adults) would find boring and told her to read it and she would pay her to read it and report on it. She took it as a serious job and read it and did a report. She was a young woman and had a good work ethic and was GRATEFUL for the opportunity to earn money. Missing her friends didn't play into the equation.
    This is the opposite of most of our kids and it is so sad.
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Yes, their life can revolve around their "friends". But she is way more invested in them than they in her... The last two years she has lost CNA jobs because the state fair was in town in September.

    The state fair runs they two weekends. And she had one weekend off. I guess it wasn't enough.

  13. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Wait a minute taxes does she even have the needed income to do taxes? In my over half a century life I never had to do taxes because their taken from my paycheck automatically. Really many responsibilities are put for a young adult.
    Wanna know a thing I did when I finished high school I was supposed to go to college in a certain city but I did not went there but went to the sea and partied there for a whole year working as undocumented worker and I got a hernia and still continued to have fun.
    I know it was stupid I know it worried my parents I know it was not a good thing but even now I am not sorry for it the memories where just worth it.
    This is from someone who as far as I know has no conduct disorders well not diagnosed. You daughter is still young that is why I think as I said in other posts that its not that big of a deal.
    I am not even upset now that my youngest wasted years of college on my money doing he knows what. I am a little that he spent so much at home doing nothing until he got the courage to go out and do something.
    Think at young adults as young adults people that do not know what they want and are trying to find out. Let them make it have great memories while they do so it will not be wasted.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    A have merit. But most of our kids who bring us here are not making good memories, but are doing drugs and getting into criminal like trouble. And many of us in the U.S. cant afford to fund their fun while they goof off in college. College is the price of a mansion in the U.S. Most of us who live here (not necessarily on this forum, but the mainstream of Americans) cant even afford college without the help of loans and grants. People must pay their loans that can add up to $100,000. No joke! It can take a decade to pay back.

    I do agree about taxes. We still do taxes for our youngest, one of the very few things she doesnt do for herself. Sometimes i even call to make dental appointments for her...or call people for her. My husband is a mechanic and fixes all her and boyfriends cars and doesnt charge them for any costs incurred. And we have a small income. Nothing extra. We still do for our thriving kids but probably would do less for kids who were just screwing off or, worse, on drugs. Thats like helping them do nothing with their lives. Or helping them afford to get high.

    Keep posting, a dad. You have a great different than American refreshing perspective. I very much enjoy "talking" to you :)
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
  15. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Yes but its not the case with the daughter of the person in question is it now. Does she use drugs did she ever got in criminal like trouble? Does she goes to college?
    You see that is why I do not see any problem with her daughter.
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    A Dad, in our country, it is not acceptable or affordable too to screw around on parental dimes. But some parents are OK with it, usually those who have a lot of spare money. In the U.S. not most do. On this forum, I think it attracts people who are better off than many which is why the adult kids often get many financial perks from their parents sometimes for in my opinion too long. It is imperative to earn money in the U.S. or be declared disabled (in which you get a small amount plus services) or you can easily become homeless. We have a poor social safety net for even the mentally ill. No protection. Extended family very often don't step up. They don't have to.

    I think ksm daughter was doing drugs.

    Take care :)
  17. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Was she? I think her daughter in law was doing that.Either way it does not seem a problem to me remember many on this forum parents where not really better at her age if we take the rose colored glasses we where not actually better.
    Lets not forget she is 19.
  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I think all of us were better at her age. We may have drank sometimes or smoked some pot, but if the people here are being honest, and I think they are, they mostly went to college, finished, and then got jobs and moved out. I didnt go to college but I worked since graduating then got married.

    The adult children here, some near 30 or older, are still in trouble or not launched. In the U.S. this wont work. Goofing around a year or two at 18 or 19 is recoverable if they finally get down to the serious part of life. But they have to eventually dump the dope, get a sustainable job and move out.

    There are jokes about 40 year old men who live in mothers least in the U.S....

    No doubt ksm daughter is young, but she has to grow up eventually. There is nothing in the U.S. for able bodied adults who cant sustain themselves. There is only homelessness.

    We cant live forever. Most of us are in our 50s, some, like me, in our 60s. Then what?
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    My daughter needs to "do taxes" because she had two part time jobs in 2016. She worked one for 2 months and one for 3 months. She will probably get a refund of all she paid in to federal and state taxes. When she gets a refund, she could fix the problem with her car, and it will stop chewing up her tires. She could have done this a month ago, online, and it takes about 15 minutes. She could have had a check for $300 to 400 dollars by now.

    Last night, she called and said she got another flat tire. husband had to pick up her and a friend and take them to someone's house to spend the night. It's the one I paid to replace 4 days ago.

    Yes, I am glad that my daughter is not doing illegal things. But, I don't want her to have a life of couch surfing, no job, no post high school education or vocational training, and wearing the same clothes for 4 days.

    To me, that is not "living" and will probably lead to future problems. At the end of this week, her car insurance will expire. That will set her up for legal problems as she won't have the discipline not to drive it with out insurance.

    She has lost most her clothes by staying at multiple places and not keeping track of her belongings. She has lost or broken 4 phones in the last year. Does not currently have a phone with service, and doesn't even have one to log on to free wifi when she finds it.

    She looks like a homeless person. If you haven't lived with a person who has no executive function skills, you can't really say that that person is not a problem. It's not the same as a drug addict or a criminal...but it is a very difficult life for them and their families.

    Ksm is my younger Difficult Child that was having the substance abuse issues. Both daughters were in foster care for a year before we got custody. This has left them with problems forming healthy relationships with others.
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
  20. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I guess one reason I worry is that her mom lived this way for over 30 years...moving from one guy to another. Bio mom is now in jail for armed robbery and $250,000 bond. She never "grew up" and matured and took care of her 4 kids...