Can't catch a break...
- Thread starter ksm
- Start date
I woke her up at 8 hoping we could go to her car and get the spare. She asked her friend about where it was, when we couldn't find it, and learned it was actually in the space meant for the tire! But with all the dirty clothes in the trunk, she couldn't lift the carpet up enough to see the tire!
She was upset because she was suppose to meet her friend and go with her to an appointment. Friend was suppose to interview for a job at 8. It is about 3 miles away. I guess they will walk. It will probably be 10 before they get there.
Ugghh. I really don't like this much interaction.
Ksm
She was upset because she was suppose to meet her friend and go with her to an appointment. Friend was suppose to interview for a job at 8. It is about 3 miles away. I guess they will walk. It will probably be 10 before they get there.
Ugghh. I really don't like this much interaction.
Ksm
re you can want what you want....and genes etc
Our difficult child is adopted
My mother (bio) was into hair, fashion and make up and so am I. I am NOT a snob about it. But, I get up, fix up my hair, put on some make up, my clothes are almost always pressed.
If I'm just going to the food store, I might not care as much...but I'll always put on a little lipstick.
Daughter just came by. She was on her way to the store with a friend.
Her clothes were too big, dirty, wrinkled, and her hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in about a week. She (honestly) could be mistaken for a homeless person. She has a good place to live with all the facilities.
But, NONE of this matters to her one bit. She doesn't bathe daily. She washes her hair...whenever. She might brush her hair every few days.
Absolutely NONE of my habits influenced her.
PS One day years ago, her therapist called me , a little shocked. She saw our daughter in public and she told me she looked like a homeless person and possibly a prostitute. I was surprised she called me to tell me this. Our daughter was probably 17. I think she was hoping I could buy her different clothes and convince her to brush her hair etc. But, it just wasn't happening. It can be shocking. I don't hold it against this woman. Our daughter is intelligent with a good heart and a great vocabulary. It is mind boggling to see her looking so completely disheveled.
Our difficult child is adopted
My mother (bio) was into hair, fashion and make up and so am I. I am NOT a snob about it. But, I get up, fix up my hair, put on some make up, my clothes are almost always pressed.
If I'm just going to the food store, I might not care as much...but I'll always put on a little lipstick.
Daughter just came by. She was on her way to the store with a friend.
Her clothes were too big, dirty, wrinkled, and her hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in about a week. She (honestly) could be mistaken for a homeless person. She has a good place to live with all the facilities.
But, NONE of this matters to her one bit. She doesn't bathe daily. She washes her hair...whenever. She might brush her hair every few days.
Absolutely NONE of my habits influenced her.
PS One day years ago, her therapist called me , a little shocked. She saw our daughter in public and she told me she looked like a homeless person and possibly a prostitute. I was surprised she called me to tell me this. Our daughter was probably 17. I think she was hoping I could buy her different clothes and convince her to brush her hair etc. But, it just wasn't happening. It can be shocking. I don't hold it against this woman. Our daughter is intelligent with a good heart and a great vocabulary. It is mind boggling to see her looking so completely disheveled.
Nomad...I know how you feel. I would like her to wear clean clothes that fit. Bathe regularly, wash and brush hair.
Mine has worn a "messy bun" for 4 days in a row...never taking it down. Just adding more pins and spray.
Sometimes, appropriate clothes are cut (slashed) in to inappropriate clothes.
It would be nice if their priorities matched ours...but it's not gonna happen.
My daughter has a big heart...but it kind of hurts her in the long run. She will "help" people who just use her. She doesn't see what is happening u til she gets her feelings hurt.
Ksm
Mine has worn a "messy bun" for 4 days in a row...never taking it down. Just adding more pins and spray.
Sometimes, appropriate clothes are cut (slashed) in to inappropriate clothes.
It would be nice if their priorities matched ours...but it's not gonna happen.
My daughter has a big heart...but it kind of hurts her in the long run. She will "help" people who just use her. She doesn't see what is happening u til she gets her feelings hurt.
Ksm
Lil
Well-Known Member
Another no-hygiene kid here. When he was home at least. Hopefully having a girlfriend has convinced him to bathe and brush his teeth. $5,000 on braces and last time I saw him his teeth looked like a meth addict. Not really...but brown and literally so much plaque that you could PICK it off if you tried. He once told me his enamel was peeling off....not his enamel - plaque! I am a person who LITERALLY can't sleep without my teeth brushed. If I were stranded I'd at least use my finger and water! But my kid could go weeks. It's disgusting. I don't understand where such habits develop. Don't tell me lack of hygiene is genetic, because I just don't buy that one. 
Ugh...it would be SO much worse with females. I feel for you ladies on that one, really!
Ugh...it would be SO much worse with females. I feel for you ladies on that one, really!
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
I believe at least one of my step-brothers has some fetal alcohol effects from his birth mother, who was an alcoholic.
A few years ago, he wanted me to show him how to do long division. He just could not grasp it. Most middle elementary students can do it.
He spent three years in sixth grade, and then dropped out. He was such a difficult child, teen, and adult. He did mellow out in his mid-to-late thirties, I think. He is a better grandfather than he was a father. He is also a wiz with carpentry, plumbing, wiring, auto repair, boat repair, handyman jobs, etc.
He is doing better than any of his other siblings from his bio-mom. Two are deceased, and two are much like your ex-daughter-in-law.
I love him so much, but can only be around him for short periods of time. He drinks too much and sometimes is irrational and gets angry, though never directs his anger at anyone, or is in any way threatening.
He is also someone who would give his shirt off his back to anyone. He does so much for so many in his community, helping elderly and disabled with his home and car repair skills for free. It makes me ashamed in comparison.
He often talks of dying.
People can sometimes take advantage of him (I feel).
He loves to talk about his escapades as a pre-teen/teen/young adult, which he clearly sees as the best time of his life. He wants to discuss endlessly (our) highly dysfunctional family life from our childhood, and really doesn't see it as dysfunctional. He loves to tell all his stories to my hubby, which I hate. I don't like reliving any of it, and he can't see how terrible it sounds. I am embarrassed by it. Hubby had a Leave-It-To-Beaver childhood, for the most part (normal, anyway). I try to explain my feelings to my brother, but he persists.
He also sees everything in the past from a point of view that most of our difficult adults have--that he was always a victim and everyone did him wrong. I think he really believes his version of things, which often bears no resemblance to reality.
These relationships are so difficult.
However, my brother has made a life for himself, and I am thankful for that.
A few years ago, he wanted me to show him how to do long division. He just could not grasp it. Most middle elementary students can do it.
He spent three years in sixth grade, and then dropped out. He was such a difficult child, teen, and adult. He did mellow out in his mid-to-late thirties, I think. He is a better grandfather than he was a father. He is also a wiz with carpentry, plumbing, wiring, auto repair, boat repair, handyman jobs, etc.
He is doing better than any of his other siblings from his bio-mom. Two are deceased, and two are much like your ex-daughter-in-law.
I love him so much, but can only be around him for short periods of time. He drinks too much and sometimes is irrational and gets angry, though never directs his anger at anyone, or is in any way threatening.
He is also someone who would give his shirt off his back to anyone. He does so much for so many in his community, helping elderly and disabled with his home and car repair skills for free. It makes me ashamed in comparison.
He often talks of dying.
People can sometimes take advantage of him (I feel).
He loves to talk about his escapades as a pre-teen/teen/young adult, which he clearly sees as the best time of his life. He wants to discuss endlessly (our) highly dysfunctional family life from our childhood, and really doesn't see it as dysfunctional. He loves to tell all his stories to my hubby, which I hate. I don't like reliving any of it, and he can't see how terrible it sounds. I am embarrassed by it. Hubby had a Leave-It-To-Beaver childhood, for the most part (normal, anyway). I try to explain my feelings to my brother, but he persists.
He also sees everything in the past from a point of view that most of our difficult adults have--that he was always a victim and everyone did him wrong. I think he really believes his version of things, which often bears no resemblance to reality.
These relationships are so difficult.
However, my brother has made a life for himself, and I am thankful for that.
Exactly as the member above me showed with the experience with her brother you can not and I repeat this again expect her to be as adult as you are.
Basically lower your expectations hope for her to be a productive member of society no matter the how productive. Just be on the positive side it can make wonders and worry less.
I will say this again your daughter well for many here I assume they wish their difficult child was like her.
Hope she becomes as the brother of the member above my post.
Basically lower your expectations hope for her to be a productive member of society no matter the how productive. Just be on the positive side it can make wonders and worry less.
I will say this again your daughter well for many here I assume they wish their difficult child was like her.
Hope she becomes as the brother of the member above my post.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I loved Apple's post. And I loved a dad's post.
M told me last night: I fear that what you want from J he does not want.
I think there is a middle ground and apple and a dad point me to it.
Let me see if I understand:
I have the choice to focus on and improve my own outlook and actions: Support; loving patience; gratitude for constructive and productive engagement with life by my son, independent of what form it takes; valuing kindness and heart. Realizing it could be way worse and practicing gratitude when it is not. Trying not to impose my values (and needs and vulnerabilities) on to him.
My son has improved so much. He is trying. It may not look like I would want, but he is so much happier than before and wants a relationship with me. If I chill, we even get along.
What is this about Apple?
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AppleCori
Well-Known Member
Another facet of my complicated relationship with my brother is that he will sometimes get in down moods (and when he drinks too much) and talk about how he "can't live like this much longer", or "someday in the future, I am just going to end it all", and I am the one he picks to say this to.
To be fair, he does live in excruciating pain much of the time. He was on prescription Morphine for more than a decade before he decided not to take it anymore about two and a half years ago. His wife started taking his pills every once in a while, then more and more often, so he often went days or weeks without it until the next refill. So, the withdrawal yo-yo hit him every month.
Back in the fall, he insinuated that he may have some liver problems, which isn't inconceivable, since he has been an alcoholic for decades. He pretty much said he has only two years to live. Of course, he said his wife doesn't know and not to tell her anything. When talking to the wife, the stories are always the opposite: he is doing fine, medically; that lump was a hernia, etc.
I don't know what is true and what isn't. He won't exactly come out and say anything definitive, or confirm any diagnosis, but prefers to leave it open-ended.
He doesn't say this much when he has a job, so I think being alone and unproductive gets him down. He is extremely social and likes to be needed. And, he doesn't drink as much when he has something productive to do, like paid or unpaid work.
Just plain difficult!
Apple
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
What is she like, Apple?
How do you and she get along?
I really like your brother and I admire him. He is so lucky to have you. You love each other so much.
Quick update... Since husband was home, he and I were going to get the spare tire from her trunk and try to air it up, or see if it could be repaired. He saw a lanyard wedged in the back seat of my car...it was her car keys and drivers license holder!
I gave him a huge lawn trash bags, as I knew how full the trunk was...filled with dirty clothes. He said it filled up the bag! He brought the tire home...we couldn't get it aired up. I called Walmart, and they said they could check it and repair if needed.
Took the tire there, but then was told they can't repair donut tires. But they were able to air it up. We hurried and got the tire on her vehicle and it is now in our back yard.
Her car insurance has officially expired. The car was an older small Ford. But she has run it hard and trashed it. It is disgusting.
Ksm
I gave him a huge lawn trash bags, as I knew how full the trunk was...filled with dirty clothes. He said it filled up the bag! He brought the tire home...we couldn't get it aired up. I called Walmart, and they said they could check it and repair if needed.
Took the tire there, but then was told they can't repair donut tires. But they were able to air it up. We hurried and got the tire on her vehicle and it is now in our back yard.
Her car insurance has officially expired. The car was an older small Ford. But she has run it hard and trashed it. It is disgusting.
Ksm
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Thats why I am so against buying cars, old or new, especially for difficult kids. They dont care for them any more than they do anything else. And they arent good drivers.
At least you found some things she needs. God only knows why she put her belongings on her car...
At least you found some things she needs. God only knows why she put her belongings on her car...
In the part of the state we live in, a car is pretty much a necessity. There is very limited public transportation. I agree it is not the best thing for a Difficult Child to have a car. If it was a better car, it would still probably be trashed.
Her clothes are in it from couch surfing. There was a lot of clothes back in November when she left with a friend for a month and stayed with him in New Orleans, the friendship did not move into a long term relationship like she planned on. I had to hunt thru her car for her drivers license. Many of these clothes were already in the car 4 months ago. Now there is more clothes.
She has never had a ticket or an accident. I don't believe she drives under the influence or an drugs or alcohol. But, she lets her friends mooch off her for rides. Can't say no.
Ksm
Her clothes are in it from couch surfing. There was a lot of clothes back in November when she left with a friend for a month and stayed with him in New Orleans, the friendship did not move into a long term relationship like she planned on. I had to hunt thru her car for her drivers license. Many of these clothes were already in the car 4 months ago. Now there is more clothes.
She has never had a ticket or an accident. I don't believe she drives under the influence or an drugs or alcohol. But, she lets her friends mooch off her for rides. Can't say no.
Ksm
Frustrating stuff.
I really really wanted our daughter to drive.
We paid for special driving lessons AND regular lessons on top of that.
Big mistake.
I don't regret the effort...driving is important and helpful if possible.
It didn't work out for us.
She now takes the bus and does. surprisingly well.
I really really wanted our daughter to drive.
We paid for special driving lessons AND regular lessons on top of that.
Big mistake.
I don't regret the effort...driving is important and helpful if possible.
It didn't work out for us.
She now takes the bus and does. surprisingly well.
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
I really love and respect my sister-in-law, despite everything.
I would say my brother is alive and doing as well as he is because of her. She has put up with a lot. Much more than I would have, and much more than anyone should have to deal with.
