can't cope anymore :(

[sammi]

I have a 15 year old daughter and I just can't cope anymore. We have had years of problems with her and feel like we have tried everything and nothing works! Even her social woker thinks she is a nasty piece or work. She shows no remorse for anything she has done and makes me feel like the biggest failure going.
Briefly: it all started when she was 12/13, we found that she had been going on a site called KIK (which I had never heard of) and had been talking to and sending pictures to around 50 different me. It didn't matter how old what colour, just anybody! We take her and the phone to the police station but they didn't want to know despite her trying to meet up with one of them! Rang the doctors to get her some counsilling but not available to children, she would have to be seen at school, the councillor at school was full! So we confiscated her phone and limited her internet access to school work. This led to her stealing friends ipads/phones etc, she then took an overdose and was picked up by social services and CAHMS, they both saw her once and then signed her off with no help at all after this we moved schools due to issues after the stealing of phones etc she would literally do anything to get something that would connect to the internet to message these men! move of school was worsed thing we ever did, started skipping school, smoking weed, I was called in virtually every week. She went missing and was brought home by the police, she wasn't scared, bothered or remorseful. In the last 3 months she has been brought home by the police 6 times, due to her running off with her boyfriend (also 15), she has refused to go to school for the last month and taunts us by saying what can you do nothing! the social workers have no answers, how do you drag a 15 year old somewhere when you can't touch them! we have had to put her on the contraceptive injection as we had a pregnancy scare, I have found she has snuck her boyfriend in to our house twice, the last time being last Friday, when I caught them in bed at 2am, they then ran out of the house and I had to call the police again as she couldn't be found! she wasn't sorry and is only bothered that I give her phone back, (the phone i bought and pay for) not happening! She is now staying at her grandparents as I can't even look at her! it sounds awful but the way i feel i never want to see her again we have literally tried everything...

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. What a hardship on your heart. By any chance did your daughter have very chaotoc/traumatic years from ages 1-3? This can cause attachment problems that require very specialized help. Was she adopted beyond infancy? She ever seen abuse? Been abused?Ever have a complete evaluation?

You obviously need to get her help. You tried.Its baloney that nobody will do it. If you have her totally evaluated for every disorder and they find something causing her to act out so badly, she could be eligible for free services that could help her while she is still under 18. You have three years to do your best...after that she can legally do what she likes.

I would start with an evaluation by a neuro psychologist (a psycologist with special training in the brain) and see if she has any invisible disabilities. I'd drug test her too. And i'd keep her home as much as possible. Its not fun or fair...but many of us did it.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[Praecepta]

The problem is that if you physically force a kid to do anything, then YOU are guilty of child abuse! So with that said...

I would say it is time to take care of yourself. Forget about her and go do something fun. Maybe go on a trip. Sometimes just a short one or two day trip nearby can be fun.

As for the little monster, perhaps she can remain at her grandparents for awhile? Maybe until she is 18?

Something radical... Suggest she gets legally emancipated (AKA - Divorced from parents), then move into a homeless shelter or with one of her male friends!
Emancipation of Minors - FindLaw

 

[sammi]

No traumatic events that I can remember. Our family is very close and she has had love and support from both myself and husband, her maternal grandparents live next door and my brother and sister work at the family business and have always been close. Because of all of the trouble she has been in there are lots of teams of people involved with her, we took her to be mentally assessed at 13 but she is very manipulative and just told them what they wanted to hear, her social worker and us think she needs assessing again but she is refusing to go. She won't get in the car to go to appointments, school, anywhere she doesn't want to go. And as we are not allowed to physically make her get in the car I'm lost as to how to get her to go. I have begged and pleaded, screamed and shouted, even offered bribes but nothing works! She has it in her head as soon as she is 16 her and her boyfriend can move out and everything will be perfect then. Even though she will have no education, no money and no job! We have tried explaining how expensive etc but nothing at all gets through to her. The police were gobsmacked at how disrespectful and completely unbothered she was when they brought her home! She never cries or shows any emotion at all if she had her way she would be taken in to care, that's what she wants as she thinks she will be able to do what she wants! I honestly don't know what I can say to her that I haven't said a thousand times before :'( I have 2 younger daughters (10&8) and she is vile to them and they are very glad she is staying away from home. I really don't know what to do?

 

[Wiped Out]

Welcome Sammi, glad you found us but sorry you needed too. I'm sorry things are so rough. I wish I had some great advice but I do think it is important to take care of you. I'm glad, even if it's for a short time, that you have a bit of respite. Sending gentle hugs your way.

 

[CDN_DAD_in_tough]

very similar to the situation I'm in with my 15 year old son. I'm at a loss as far as what I should do and life is an endless struggle full of stress and anxiety. He doesn't give a about anything or anyone. Just wants to hang with his "friends" (a constantly shifting group of people that he seems to rotate through depending on who is giving him what he wants at any given time). He's completely un-willing to do even the minimum things a somewhat responsible person (even a teen) should do. Skips school...does dope...stays out all night at friend's somehow. We've had violent incidents between the two of us as I hit a breaking point and lose it on occasion and he's totally not afraid to get physical with me if I try and say take his phone or something. I feel like he needs to be in a locked facility of some sort but there doesn't seem to be anything like that here (Canada). He's on the verge of going into "the system" which I guess would be some sort of youth residential group home or something which probably won't be a good thing for him really but I just don't no how long I can keep fighting this war every day. My 20 year marriage has fallen apart over the last year and a half and we're divorcing (the stress of dealing with my son is a contributing factor) and he's gone bck and forth a couple times between mom and me and is back with me since xmas. It's a nightmare...I'm staying with my parents in a smallish basement apartment and sharing the space with a person who hates me and won't do a thing to help daily operations go smoothly is unbearable. When he takes off and stays with friends I no longer even fight it as it's a break for me...

 

[sammi]

Thanks Wiped Out... it's just nice to be able to vent and know I'm not the only one going through similar... sometimes you feel so alone and like the worst parent in the world!
CDN_DAD_in_tough... I really feel for you and feel exactly the same, like I literally couldn't do it another day! I look in my daughters eyes and she is like a stranger (a very nasty, manipulative stranger!)... if I take her phone, she steals her sisters, we have had to lock and password everything, disconnect the internet! Still she finds a way, she stole her grandads iPad on Christmas Day, he didn't know till he went on holiday and found naked pictures she had been sending! Was she sorry, no!! I can very easily see how u have incidents, there are some days I could wrap my hands round her throat I wish I had the answers for you and for myself... hopefully it's a comfort knowing your not on your own and it's not just your child

 

[CDN_DAD_in_tough]

It is a comfort knowing others are going through similar terrible situations.

It's a really crazy thing. You think it should be possible to maintain some sort of control over a 15 year old kid, but once a certain line of behavior or...errr...just basic normal daily functioning has been crossed, it's really almost impossible. Once the kid has literally stopped operating with the basic limits most kids have in mind - some sort of respect for parental authority, some sort of inhibition regarding missing school, a basic desire for things like just eating a regular meal or having clean clothes on for cripe sake! - once those things cease to be a limiting factor in their behavior you have very few means by which to control their activities. He's so stubborn that he'll choose to live a crappy existence of want and discomfort rather than submit to the few tiny, really pretty simple things we expect of him.

 

[Praecepta]

I was thinking about this and thought I would mention my "low stress" way of dealing with life. And that is I will do everything I can about a problem. And I mean EVERYTHING! I do not give up easily and work hard to resolve problems...

But after I have done everything i can, then there is NOTHING MORE I CAN DO! So why worry about it? I don't. I drop it and go have some fun, spend my time on other projects.

 

[sammi]

Yes totally agree, once they are there, it's impossible to reason with them or function on a normal level... how did we get here? At what point did it get to the point of no return? Was it something we did? Y do they choose to live that crappy way when it could be so different/nice?
As much as I would love to be able to do that, don't worry and go have fun, as much as I dislike my daughter right now, forgetting her is not an option because more than anything in the whole world I just want her back! Just want things to be different and I'm really sad they aren't and I know I've tried everything possible, I just wish there was something/anything I could do :'(

 

[BusynMember]

I do not believe most here can drop it and just have fun. I will always think about my loved ones, even of they wont help themselves. My heart doeant allow me to ever forget.

Eventually I do learn to move on and find other blessings, but it is a long peocess and in no way are my beloved kids ever not in my heart. I am not sure many people can juat move on and forget their beloveds regardless of how they behave. I did my best for all of them and my life is good now, but I light candles for my troubled son, pray for him, and wish always that he is as happy as possible.
My child is not a project that I can replace with a hobby although I can certainly stll enjoy activities. And I dont dwell but neither can I shrug and forget him.
I think that is the case for most here. Hugs to all.

 

[Praecepta]

I'm not saying to forget about your kids... Rather to not constantly worry about a problem you can't do anything about. Worrying and losing sleep will not accomplish anything except give you ulcers.

So if there is anything which can still be done, then do what you can. Do your best. But if you have tried everything and nothing more can be done, then don't continue to worry about "the problem" (if possible).

Or in other words, do your best, that is all anyone can ask!

 

[Nicwin]

Hi Sammi, I wish I could give you some magical advice to help you but I can't. I feel your pain. When you have a strong, loving close family it is bewildering to understand why you have a child that behaves in such a strange way. Why they push you away and behave so sadly. I have a son that I have struggled with the whole of my life. I reach out to him, his grandparents reach out to him but he pushes us away and I just can't understand it. My family is the most important thing to me, their love and advice when I need them, invaluable. It sounds to me that you live in the UK? If so it seems so diffecult to get any help for childeren/teens with any problems, I tried really hard, including private counselling but nothing seem to work. I sometimes think, and as hard as it is to accept, our childeren are on their own journey and try as we might to help, we can't seem to steer them in the direction we want them to follow. My son lives with his dad now as we are divorced, I text him regularly letting him know that I love him and am here for him if he needs someone to talk to, but as they grow into adults they have to learn from their own mistakes.

 

[BusynMember]

Precepra, if you can truly forget even if you have done everything...im happy for you. It is not possible for me to fotget any of my children, even one who has been no contact for ten years. Have I moved on? YES. Do i cry about it? No, not anymore. I have a good life and other wonderful kids and a great husband. And the best is yet to come.
But I will never ever forget him like he was never beloved by me. I dont think it is easy for most especially those still engaged in their adult kids to move on because you did your best. I dont know if you have kids because you dont mention kids. But the parent/child bond is very powerful. In time moving on happens and, yes, it does no good to ruin your life if they refuse help. Or if we also dont get professional help to teach us how to best cope.

But it is a grieving process. It comes slowly, not quickly. And most parents always wonder "is there more I could have done?"

I think it is smart to get intensive therapy to learn how to cope and move on. I do not think it is fast or easy, no matter how hard we tried to help them or how horrible they behave(d). It is doable, but time consuming.

I salute all the loving hearts on this site and I get it. I think some cant and may never move on and that makes me sad. But i get that too, although I feel blessed I had enough inside of me and enough other blessings not to give up on life. I did get a lot of therapy. Saved me after son left us and now I am at a wonderful place. It took time.

 

[susiestar]

Sammi, I am sorry for all you are going through. I know how hard it is. It is so hard when everyone tells you that there is no hope and no help. I know when my son was at his worst and I knew that for the sake of my other children, for the safety of all of us, my oldest needed inpatient treatment but I couldn't find it anywhere. I ended up taking a notebook and starting with calling a pastor I knew from a local church. I asked him if he knew of any church programs or local resources that might be able to help us. I asked if he knew of anyone who might know of any resources that might help us. I told him a short version of what we were going through. I then called the phone numbers he gave me and told them the story and asked them if they knew of any resources or programs.

I filled that notebook in two days. i made over 100 phone calls. I told the awful story of what we were going through with a child who kept trying to kill his little sister and I for no apparent reason, and how hard it was because he really needed HELP while he was still a child. I cried to a LOT of people. I BEGGED. I let my pride go because at that point, my pride wasn't going to help my son and it didn't matter to me nearly as much as my son did.

I got information on several programs, two of which my son was eligible for and one was a good fit. You have to just keep pestering people. If the police won't help when a young child is putting herself in danger, call your local chief of police and ask why the police won't do their jobs? Learn to be the squeaky wheel who keeps on them until they do something. If you accept NO, then nothing is going to happen. If you keep asking, keep going over their heads asking why they won't do what is supposed to happen, sooner or later someone is going to do something to get you to shut up.

You can also call child protective services and ask them to help you protect your child from herself. I don't know if you live in a large or small town, but most areas have a sex crimes unit. If your daughter is sending images of herself over the internet, that may be a crime. You may be able to force her to get help that way. At least get her a probation officer to help monitor her and give her rules as generally it is against the law to post photos of minors on the internet. It is even against the law to post them if you are the minor in the photos.

Your daughter needs help. Her behavior may be showing you that she is bipolar. One symptom of bipolar is hypersexuality, or acting out in a very very sexual way. While it may seem 'mean' or somehow 'wrong' to turn her in to the police when she needs help and treatment instead of jail time, sadly that may be the only way to push her into getting help. Generally children are not treated harshly and are given help and services are given to the family. It is more a way to help get services put into place.

These are just ideas, things that have worked for me or that I think might work for you. Use what you think will help and discard the rest.

I am truly sorry that it is so hard to raise your daughter when she will not follow even the most basic of rules. I do understand how difficult it is.

 

[JRC]

This whole thread just breaks my heart.

I had a conversation with a friend (she and her husband) last night about that point where you just radically change your expectations for and about your child. It's hard. Because your instinct is to radically protect and help them--always. Even if that means helping them is actually the opposite of what you thought it was.

Peace, everyone.

 

[sammi]

Sammi, I am sorry for all you are going through. I know how hard it is. It is so hard when everyone tells you that there is no hope and no help. I know when my son was at his worst and I knew that for the sake of my other children, for the safety of all of us, my oldest needed inpatient treatment but I couldn't find it anywhere. I ended up taking a notebook and starting with calling a pastor I knew from a local church. I asked him if he knew of any church programs or local resources that might be able to help us. I asked if he knew of anyone who might know of any resources that might help us. I told him a short version of what we were going through. I then called the phone numbers he gave me and told them the story and asked them if they knew of any resources or programs.

I filled that notebook in two days. i made over 100 phone calls. I told the awful story of what we were going through with a child who kept trying to kill his little sister and I for no apparent reason, and how hard it was because he really needed HELP while he was still a child. I cried to a LOT of people. I BEGGED. I let my pride go because at that point, my pride wasn't going to help my son and it didn't matter to me nearly as much as my son did.

I got information on several programs, two of which my son was eligible for and one was a good fit. You have to just keep pestering people. If the police won't help when a young child is putting herself in danger, call your local chief of police and ask why the police won't do their jobs? Learn to be the squeaky wheel who keeps on them until they do something. If you accept NO, then nothing is going to happen. If you keep asking, keep going over their heads asking why they won't do what is supposed to happen, sooner or later someone is going to do something to get you to shut up.

You can also call child protective services and ask them to help you protect your child from herself. I don't know if you live in a large or small town, but most areas have a sex crimes unit. If your daughter is sending images of herself over the internet, that may be a crime. You may be able to force her to get help that way. At least get her a probation officer to help monitor her and give her rules as generally it is against the law to post photos of minors on the internet. It is even against the law to post them if you are the minor in the photos.

Your daughter needs help. Her behavior may be showing you that she is bipolar. One symptom of bipolar is hypersexuality, or acting out in a very very sexual way. While it may seem 'mean' or somehow 'wrong' to turn her in to the police when she needs help and treatment instead of jail time, sadly that may be the only way to push her into getting help. Generally children are not treated harshly and are given help and services are given to the family. It is more a way to help get services put into place.

These are just ideas, things that have worked for me or that I think might work for you. Use what you think will help and discard the rest.

I am truly sorry that it is so hard to raise your daughter when she will not follow even the most basic of rules. I do understand how difficult it is.

Hi, thank you for taking the time to reply... we have child protective services, social care, family education, run away teenagers and drug and alcohol services all involved with my daughter, unfortunately it has done no good and been no help at all... it seems to me (and I could be wrong) but as we are a close family and as she isn't living in poverty or being beaten daily they don't seem to bother with her much! After the last incident 2 weeks ago I was straight on the phone to them and am still waiting for them to come and see her! She has been seen by the police (sex crimes unit) on several occasions (the lady was really great and really tried to make her see), they have confiscated phones and images,explained to her how dangerous what she is doing is and shown her videos etc but it makes no difference to her, she thinks she is invincible and listens to nobody. I very much think she needs mentally assessing and have tried to get her to go and see the unit but she refuses to go and apparently I can't make her. I feel as if I have been banging my head against a brick wall for 3 years! I have definitely realised there is a huge gap in help for teens. At the most impressionable age why there is not more help/funds out there is beyond me??? I have been desperately trying to get her some kind of education as she is refusing to go to school, she could go to college (which she would actually do) but as she is under 16 the school has to fund it but refuses to, we could get a tutor but after pricing that up it would be £136 per week just for 4 hours.. I've spent days on the phone desperately trying to find something/anything to move forward in a positive way but I just keep coming up against closed door I hope things worked out with your son and that one of the programs you found was what you were looking for... I am assuming this wasn't in the UK? thank you again for taking the time to respond to my cry for help xxx

 

[sammi]

Hi Sammi, I wish I could give you some magical advice to help you but I can't. I feel your pain. When you have a strong, loving close family it is bewildering to understand why you have a child that behaves in such a strange way. Why they push you away and behave so sadly. I have a son that I have struggled with the whole of my life. I reach out to him, his grandparents reach out to him but he pushes us away and I just can't understand it. My family is the most important thing to me, their love and advice when I need them, invaluable. It sounds to me that you live in the UK? If so it seems so diffecult to get any help for childeren/teens with any problems, I tried really hard, including private counselling but nothing seem to work. I sometimes think, and as hard as it is to accept, our childeren are on their own journey and try as we might to help, we can't seem to steer them in the direction we want them to follow. My son lives with his dad now as we are divorced, I text him regularly letting him know that I love him and am here for him if he needs someone to talk to, but as they grow into adults they have to learn from their own mistakes.

That is exactly how I feel... how when all these people love and support you do you want to push us all away and behave the way you do. When she was a bit younger I felt we had time to maybe turn things around before it was too late, but things happening now will effect the rest of her life, she isn't going to take her exams this year as she should do, if she get's pregnant when she disappears, the list goes on
Yes we live in the UK, and you couldn't be more right that it is more than difficult to get any kind of help... how is there not more resources available???
There's always the hope that as the get older (and maybe have kids of their own) that they will see that all we have ever wanted is the very best for them... I hope that is the case for you with your son Thank you for taking the time to reply