can't deal with this anymore

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by happysquid, Oct 14, 2011.

  1. happysquid

    happysquid New Member

    Hi Everyone. I am new to this website and have identified with most of the posts I have read. I have a 17 year old son (stepson that I have known since he was 6 months old and have always referred to him as my son) that was diagnosed with ODD about 2 years ago. We tried medications and they worked for a little bit and then he accused me of drugging him. I wasn't even at the appointment when he was diagnosed and put on medications, his Dad took him. My son was the one who jumped at the idea of trying medications when the doctor suggested it. I was simply the one who handed him his pill in the morning. He simply refused to take them anymore. The last 2 years have been a bitter hell and my husband and I are fed up. Husband wants to kick him out when he turns 18 in 3 months. I used to be against the idea but the last few months have started steering my mind the other direction. My son is very defiant of almost everything we ask of him or that is expected of him. He does it also with his father but not as much because i think he knows Dad won't tolerate it. I am always the one trying to reason with him and giving him the benefit of the doubt that things will get better. He is irresponsible with all privleges we give him and refuses to follow the simplest of house rules. Simple things like take your shoes off at the door, please ask to use your Dads tools in the garage, don't use your cell phone during class hours, please ask other people to use their things, etc. What do you do when simple requests are continually being defied? We can't get him to do 5 simple chores on a daily basis, his grades are falling. He just doesn't seem to care about anything or anyone. Everything is an argument with him. It's either his way or no way. He says compromise doesn't benefit anyone so why bother. We have an 11 year old daughter that is tired of all this drama as well and we are concerned as to how this is affecting her. She too is to the point that she just wants her brother to go away. I am riddled with feelings of failure as a parent, guilt, etc. But at the same time we have tried all the tactics out there: chore charts, point systems, counseling(where he just lies and maniplates the counselors and admits we are just wasting our time), allowance, doing nothing, positive reinforcement, taking things away. He is just hell bent on doing what he wants, when he wants. I don't know what else to do but kick him out and hope he figures it out on his own. The rest of the family can't go on living like this when he doesn't even want to help himself. Please give me some suggestions. Thank you.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board happysquid

    ODD is not usually a stand alone diagnosis. So you're probably dealing with more than just ODD.

    Once your son becomes an adult, living in your home becomes a privilege, not a right. So if he refuses to comply with house rules, then it is time for him to leave when he turns 18.

    Does that mean you don't love him or care about him? Heck no. It means that it's your house and your rules. You have a right to peace in your home. Your daughter has a right to peace in her home. Does it make you a bad parent or a failure? Nope, not even close. And odds are once that 18th birthday rolls around, he's going to get worse because he'll start suffering from a major case of grownupitis where he's grown so you can't tell him what to do anymore while he stays home and continues to act like a kid.

    Many of our kids need a healthy dose of reality to make them appreciate just how good living at home can be. Many of our kids have to learn life lessons the hard way in order to finish growing up and maturing.

    I'm glad you found us.

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the board, although sorry you have to be here.

    The first big question I ask of any parent with a child who changes a lot as a teenager is...could it be t hat your child is drinking and/or using drugs? NOTHING will change a child faster (in the wrong direction) than drug use. And often we really don't know if it's going on (often kids will admit to pot but even more is going on). What are his friends like? Are they nice, law-abiding kids or do you suspect they may be dabbling in drugs? Any girlfriend who may be influencing him in a bad way? Any legal problems?

    Drugs turned my daughter from a sweet girl to a criminal very quickly. Thankfully she quit because she was headed for big trouble.

    ODD is seen by most of us as a rather useless diagnosis...kind of something that is given when a professional doesn't know what is going on. Also, it is normally given to very young kids, not a seventeen year old. I would not trust the diagnosis. What kind of professional gave him this label? I would take him to a psychiatrist (the guy with the MD), if he is willing to go. If he is using drugs though it is nearly impossible to get an accurate diagnosis. My daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, but that's how she acted while using drugs. She has not used drugs for eight years now and is clearly NOT bipolar. She was an insecure kid who wanted to make friends in a new school and she turned to the drug crowd because they were sadly the most accepting. We had to make her leave at eighteen and she left the state to live with her brother...leaving the state and her "friends" probably saved her. Peer pressure is powerful.
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I too wonder about drug use.... I know as a parent you think you will be able to smell it or tell but it is harder than you think. My son was always a difficult child and clearly has some other issues but the drug use made it all much much worse. When my son was 15 I really started to wonder and he also seemed very apathetic etc. I told him I was concerned if he had anemia or something and took him to the doctor.... the doctor took me aside and asked if I thought there could be drug use because they wanted to test him... I said absolutely test him it is one of my concerns. A few days later the doctor called back and asked to speak to my son....the doctor did not want to lose the trust of my son so he did not tell me but it was obvious that the test came back positive so then I was able to confront my son about it.

    This is a long way around of saying I think you need to really look at possible drug use and see if there is a way to figure out if that is the issue. Better to know than not to know. And try to find out what you can while he is 17, because once he is 18 you do not have any rights to information.

    If it is drug use then at least you know what you are dealing with.... not a whole lot you can do if he doesn't want help (although you certainly can try) but at least you will know what the issue is.

    A lot of drugs don't stay in your system long but pot does....

  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hugs. Does he have friends? Does he have new friends? Like others I first think of drug use but in the teens it can be other things such as depression or bullying or overall lack of self confidence. Although I didn't have ODD behavior to deal with more than one of our children/grandchildren started using various drugs that had no obvious signs. Most moved on as they matured and others did not. For all of them there was a "freinds" issue that told alot. DDD

    by the way our gs refused to take medication in his teens (ADHD type) and in subsequent years he shared that he was using drugs during that time and wasn't sure how the legal/illegal would mix in his body. Sigh.