Can't dig deep...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by lovemysons, Jun 1, 2009.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member


    Ya know, I feel like I should apologise for not being as emotionally sensitive as I used to be in my threads to others.

    The Bipolar medication, Abilifiy, has totally changed my personality. I know I "have" to have it but I so wish I were the "person" I used to be in many ways.
    I feel like I've lost part of myself.
    Not to mention the fact that I don't have the Bipolar-mania perfectionist in me anymore either. I think it's a letdown for husband at times cause I just don't have the drive I once had.

    Anyway, just felt the need to apologise if I don't come across as caring or as emotionally sensitive as I used to.
    or, lol, maybe nobody else notices it like I do.
  2. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    LMS. I'm so sorry the Abilify has changed your personality. I know it was a big adjustment for us when I started Prozac a few years ago. My Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) was under control, and the mess just didn't bother me as much. So the house suffered. There is no happy medium. Hugs...
  3. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am sorry you feel this way. I seriously did not notice this with you . :)

    Are you sure Abilify is the right medication for you?
    I think it is hard to loose the high, but you should still have that part of you a bit.
    My medications are not so high that I am not still a bit of my old self.
    When my Topamax was too high I didn't feel right and I lowered it, I could tell it was better lowered.

    I still get a little amped but not Manic. I get border line Hypo but not anything that I can not see after a a few hours or a day and I am able to deal with it.
    It hasn't cause the problems like in the past.
    My psychiatrist watches me closely and has even let my APT.s go from every 4 weeks to now every 3 months.
    Have you talked to your psychiatrist about how you are feeling?
    I just don't think you should feel this bad.

    I have not read a difference in your posts... But if husband and you are both feeling a difference, you still need to feel happy even though you need medications. :)
  4. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Totoro is right, happy, stable, not numb. Maybe you should call the dr and go in for a visit.
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thanks bby31218 and totoro,

    For sure I'm not the clean freak I used to be...but I guess what bothers me most is that my emotions do not "fit" circumstances very well now.

    I just got off the phone with my young difficult child...he is having heart surgery next week. He was crying on the phone to me, telling me how he's been dealt a bad hand, etc. Anyway, I'm of little help. I recommended he find a support group where he can share his feelings, talk about how his life may change because of his heart condition etc. All he could do was tell me how his FAMILY should be there for him, etc.
    I just felt myself lacking in tears and emotion.
    Now, don't get me wrong...I WILL be there for his heart surgery/pacemaker implantation next week. But I'm not disrought, ya know.

    And really what bothers me most is that my writing is not as thoughtful as deep as it used to be...talking 2 plus years ago. Cause I've been on the Abilify now for 2 years. I did go off of it for a month, but the mania came back and so did intense anger...I didn't like myself that way...was definitely teary too.

    Ya, I want the perfect combination. I want my emotional creative energies back but without the intense "pain" that goes along with it.

    by the way, I believe I'm on the lowest dose of Abilify...only 5 mgs.

    Thanks for caring. Just sometimes It really bothers me that I don't have the same emotional depth that I used to have. I used to believe myself as being quite the thoughtful "writer" and now, uhg, barely a paragraph or 2. Okay, maybe MORE than a paragraph or 2...I just wish I had what I USED to have.

    I'll talk to my doctor sometime this week, see what she says.
    Thanks again,
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tammy....I have been on mood stabilizers for years now and I still had my emotions and feelings. I wasnt dulled at all. Now in the past year I have gone on Seroquel in a very low dose (started at about 12.5 mgs) and I have noticed some of what you describe. I am now on 100 mgs and for me, it is markedly noticable. I am much calmer, much more laid back, I have detachment 101 firmly in hand and think I am working on detachment 201. My therapist is quite shocked at my

    I really seem to have turned over a new leaf since I got sick in the fall. We really dont know exactly what has caused my change; is it my own mortality, my brain chemistry, Cory moving out? Who knows. Maybe all three. I just seem in a much better place.

    Anti-psychotics are tranquilizers you know. Even in low doses they can give you inner peace...I feel a bit like I have acheived some sort of
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Maybe ......

    Like me, you just got older, more jaded, less tolerant and a lot wiser.

    I didn't notice that you were not feeling my pain - lol

    I think you give nice, concise, informative and well thought out answers - Maybe you're just not feeling as scattered and interpreting it differently than the rest of us are.

  8. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Wow Janet,
    Does sound like you're in a much better place now. Zen like, ya it is kinda like that...nothing phases me too much you know. Maybe it's a good thing, like it is for you. easy child has told me I'm not the same mom as I used to be...because I don't cry all the time, lol. But hey, I used to cry tears of Joy too. Now, nothin...I just feel like I should FEEL more.
    I'm glad you've got detachment 201.

    Thank you for the reassurance, lol, that you didn't notice me not feeling your pain. You are so funny.

  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I still get tears of joy but I dont go all over emotional. I cry when I am supposed to...and sometimes when Im not. I was an emotional wreck when I first got home from the hospital but I think that was because my chemicals were really whacked out. I dont cry so often now. I do have my down days though. I am still I cried at Mandy's graduation when I saw her get her diploma...then I cried when I saw Cory crying. I can guarantee I will cry when I see my new grandson being born.

    I dont cry over Cory's messes so much anymore. Yes I still get jumpy if I think something is going wrong or he is in trouble. I get that PTSD feeling but I dont have that feeling that I have to rush in and save him anymore. Or I get it but I dont act on it anymore...its a fleeting thought. I think...oh yeah...he CAN handle it. Momma is just here to be a sounding board.
  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I take nothing at all---except the thyroid and arthritis medications, but I have found in the last few years I am not emotional at all. Maybe it's just the "change". I remember my grandmother going through menopause, and she was a basket case. I don't feel too much of anything. Maybe it's a little PTSD--can you go the other way with that---not feel enough? Anyhow, I like the new Tammy---calm, rational, in control.
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh well, so much for the "zen" like state. LOL

    Guess who just showed up at my house???
    YOung difficult child, yikes. Appears he and Mindy had a falling out.
    Geesh...Only thought I was experiencing peace.

    Says he would've just "lived in the streets" if I didn't let him come back home.

    I may be able to get on the computer in the AM but it will be hard for me to be at the computer during the day now that young difficult child is back at home. He checks the weather CONSTANTLY. He is a bit aspie like that.

    Everywoman...thank you for liking the "new me". It's funny, I had a conversation on the phone with Steph not long ago (from the board) and she told me I sounded so much more stable and calm, said it was good. So maybe this "new me" not feeling so profoundly about EVERYthing is a GOOD thing.

    I'm glad yall are my friends.

    Thank you for being here.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I had the same effect when on medications. Or at least I think I did. I was never quite sure if it was the brain injury itself or the medications causing the effect. lol

    I haven't noticed any big change in your responses and they seem appropriate to me. But if you feel it's really having an effect on you, talk to your doctor and maybe your medications need tweeked or changed.

  13. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Tammy, digging deep is also what started your crash too. Don't worry so much about digging deep, but rather keep yourself in check that you are not moving toward another crash. Your emotional stability is more important than being able to express more thoughtfulness or feeling everything profoundly, like you said.

    The fact that you are here and post every so often lets us know that you are okay. Please don't feel pressure to be more involved than you are. If you feel the need to back off, no one will be offended. You need to do what's best for yourself, which is probably hard for you to accept, but it's what you HAVE TO DO.

    As far as young difficult child, lay the ground rules...don't make things so comfy. He needs to be out on his own asap.
  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the hugs Lisa and the words of wisdom Loth...

    I think you're right about my stability being the MOST important thing.
    You've probably seen and read info about people with Bipolar losing their creative/manic side. I used to draw, I used to write...even wrote into the editorials in the newspaper and my thoughts were often published. It had it's pluses ya know. I guess I just miss it sometimes. But I would rather be calm cool and collected than scattered and an absolute emotional mess.

    Thanks for the care, hugs and insight.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I havent been calm and cool for long so maybe I dont know what Im missing. I also wasnt very creative before all this. I have also been bipolar for my whole life and never had that sudden break that sent me over the edge. I did have one manic episode the defined for everyone exactly what it was for sure but I have no doubt if anyone was looking early on we would have known.
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tammy, part of your treatment should be coping mechanisms to be who you are again. It might take an extra effort now to be able to write those editorials of have those thoughts, but it will be worth it.

    I would ask your therapist for some suggestions on how to be able to give deep again. It is possible. You just have to retrain yourself.

  17. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Yes Janet, I believe I have had Bipolar my whole life too.
    My mom, lol, always said I was like the lil girl with the curl in middle of her forhead...when I was good, I was very good but when I was bad, I was horrid!!!

    And I was most certainly a very disrought difficult child teen.

    As an adult I would say it mostly manifested in depression but also manic cleaning tendencies. I used to have 3 kids of my own, the whole neighborhood at our house, and an immaculate house 24/7...I NEVER sat still. It was definitely part of the mania, in my opinion.

    My pysychotic breakdown was certainly the beginning of new changes...a much more low key, non complicated, Tammy. And no more constant cleaning etc. It's just the creative side of me that I miss most...well and not having "tears" at appropriate times.

    Takes some getting used to...but I am likely better off with my medications.
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the hugs, Busywend.
    Yep, I could probibly use a Bipolar support group or Nami in some way to help me with the changes. That's a good suggestion.

    Hugs back to ya!