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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 688917" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Love never ends, you are getting really good thinking and support from these incredible Warrior Moms. Please know we really understand the whole idea of giving all to our kids. That is what moms do, right? That is what we all did too. And then they grow up our PCs and our DCs and we have to learn how to let them go. I see people everywhere around me who are at different points of letting our kids go. It is very hard and confusing when we have a Difficult Child who does not move into adulthood for whatever reason and so we keep on extending the parenting until one day we start waking up and realizing that we are way way way out of kilter with it all and our own lives are not working anymore and even more sadly, theirs aren't either. </p><p></p><p>That is where you are right now and you are completely depleted and exhausted from trying to be Superwoman for her and your husband too it sounds like.</p><p></p><p>Well, nobody is Superwoman and we cannot live up to that impossible standard.</p><p></p><p>As much as we want to we cannot save another person or make their life right for them. THEY have to do the work on their own lives. They have to make the hard hard choices and do the hard work of change. They have to want it enough. We can't want it for them.</p><p></p><p>For many of us, as we started realizing this, (and believe me I was one of the slowest learners anywhere) we experienced the terrible angst of powerlessness. It is not a good feeling at all at first. In fact at first I would rather have run a marathon than keep on feeling that feeling so I would try one more thing. I kept taking action because I knew how to take action. I didn't know how to stop. </p><p></p><p>Again I started to see and learn little by little inch by inch that I was going to have to change or I was never going to have a life. Little by little I started to believe that I was just as important as my own beloved son and perhaps even a little bit, a tiny bit, more important. That didn't feel comfortable at first either. It was counter cultural because we moms are supposed to always put our children first. </p><p></p><p>But as I started seeing things in a new way, I also started seeing that I was going to have to learn a whole new way of thinking and behaving. Not feeling, because for a long long time my feelings still were the very same. And that was very uncomfortable. I had to also learn how to disconnect my feelings and my actions and believe me, that took time and work because I am a "feelings" person. </p><p></p><p>That is when I really started working the alanon program with a dedicated sense of purpose and that is when I starred to really change. This type of significant personal change takes a lot of time and work with tools like therapy, reading books like codependent no more by melody Beattie and boundaries by cloud and Townsend, write in a daily journal (doing a daily brain dump is very calming), writing a daily gratitude list, doing one small thing for ourselves every single day like a nap, a walk, flowers for the kitchen table, lunch with a friend, whatever it is, it is something for yourself, you are nurturing yourself, and all of this is very healing and it is the stuff of change. I got a sponsor in alanon and I met one on one with her for years. Alanon is free and it is international. </p><p></p><p>As others have said, it is time to reclaim your life. This takes not one single thing away from your love for your daughter. I finally learned that I was a huge barrier in my Sons ability to deal with life on life's terms and deal with the true consequences of his own choices. I had to learn how to get out of the way. I came to see that for me and my situation, this amounted to the highest and best love I could ever offer him---the chance for him to have a real life as an adult. </p><p></p><p>Through all of this enormous change, people here and elsewhere walked with me through my grief and my pain and I will be forever grateful. We are here for you in that same way today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 688917, member: 17542"] Love never ends, you are getting really good thinking and support from these incredible Warrior Moms. Please know we really understand the whole idea of giving all to our kids. That is what moms do, right? That is what we all did too. And then they grow up our PCs and our DCs and we have to learn how to let them go. I see people everywhere around me who are at different points of letting our kids go. It is very hard and confusing when we have a Difficult Child who does not move into adulthood for whatever reason and so we keep on extending the parenting until one day we start waking up and realizing that we are way way way out of kilter with it all and our own lives are not working anymore and even more sadly, theirs aren't either. That is where you are right now and you are completely depleted and exhausted from trying to be Superwoman for her and your husband too it sounds like. Well, nobody is Superwoman and we cannot live up to that impossible standard. As much as we want to we cannot save another person or make their life right for them. THEY have to do the work on their own lives. They have to make the hard hard choices and do the hard work of change. They have to want it enough. We can't want it for them. For many of us, as we started realizing this, (and believe me I was one of the slowest learners anywhere) we experienced the terrible angst of powerlessness. It is not a good feeling at all at first. In fact at first I would rather have run a marathon than keep on feeling that feeling so I would try one more thing. I kept taking action because I knew how to take action. I didn't know how to stop. Again I started to see and learn little by little inch by inch that I was going to have to change or I was never going to have a life. Little by little I started to believe that I was just as important as my own beloved son and perhaps even a little bit, a tiny bit, more important. That didn't feel comfortable at first either. It was counter cultural because we moms are supposed to always put our children first. But as I started seeing things in a new way, I also started seeing that I was going to have to learn a whole new way of thinking and behaving. Not feeling, because for a long long time my feelings still were the very same. And that was very uncomfortable. I had to also learn how to disconnect my feelings and my actions and believe me, that took time and work because I am a "feelings" person. That is when I really started working the alanon program with a dedicated sense of purpose and that is when I starred to really change. This type of significant personal change takes a lot of time and work with tools like therapy, reading books like codependent no more by melody Beattie and boundaries by cloud and Townsend, write in a daily journal (doing a daily brain dump is very calming), writing a daily gratitude list, doing one small thing for ourselves every single day like a nap, a walk, flowers for the kitchen table, lunch with a friend, whatever it is, it is something for yourself, you are nurturing yourself, and all of this is very healing and it is the stuff of change. I got a sponsor in alanon and I met one on one with her for years. Alanon is free and it is international. As others have said, it is time to reclaim your life. This takes not one single thing away from your love for your daughter. I finally learned that I was a huge barrier in my Sons ability to deal with life on life's terms and deal with the true consequences of his own choices. I had to learn how to get out of the way. I came to see that for me and my situation, this amounted to the highest and best love I could ever offer him---the chance for him to have a real life as an adult. Through all of this enormous change, people here and elsewhere walked with me through my grief and my pain and I will be forever grateful. We are here for you in that same way today. [/QUOTE]
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