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Can't shake the guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 725672" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi YF,</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry for what you are going through but know that you are not alone.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I want you to look at this in a different way. You did not "kick him out", you "liberated him" so he can live his own life on his terms. Your son at the time was 24 and at that age he should be taking care of himself.</p><p></p><p></p><p>How generous of you. He should be grateful.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Well isn't that just too bad. Last time I checked having a an A/C that doesn't work in a car is not an emergency.</p><p></p><p></p><p>If it were me I would have called the police for theft.</p><p></p><p>I do not mean to sound uncaring and I hope you understand that. Please also know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your son like so many of the difficult adult children count on using our emotions against us. They count on making us feel guilty so that we will give into their demands. It's nothing more than emotional blackmail.</p><p></p><p>I've been at this with my son for over 20 years. I have learned to be very careful about giving any money. Here's the thing, when we give them money it sends a message to them that we will give them money.</p><p>It is not lost on me or anyone else on this site how hard it is to see our kids in trouble and suffering, however, we need to keep in mind that it's THEIR life choices that have them in the situations they are in. We did not do this to them, they did it to themselves.</p><p>We also need to remember that there is a fine line between helping and enabling. When we enable them we are really causing harm. At some point they need to learn how to sustain themselves as we are not always going to be around.</p><p></p><p>It can be a challenge to a marriage for sure! My son is in his second year of a 2 year sentence for assault. My husband wanted to put some money on his account for Christmas. I did not agree. I had to remind him that jail is not supposed to be easy. I also did not want to send a message to my son that we will give him money. My husband came to see my side. Does it tear at my heartstrings, absolutely but I have to set my "heart" aside and listen to reason.</p><p></p><p>I had a neighbor who continued to enable her son to the point they lost their house. They had lived in that house for 24 years and kept refinancing to get money to bail him out of whatever it was he had gotten himself into. They were paying his child support so he wouldn't go to jail. He refused to work. They now live in a motor home.</p><p>I for one refuse to allow that to happen to my life. I love my son but will not enable his poor choices.</p><p></p><p>The best thing you can do is take care of you and your marriage.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there! Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 725672, member: 18516"] Hi YF, I'm so sorry for what you are going through but know that you are not alone. I want you to look at this in a different way. You did not "kick him out", you "liberated him" so he can live his own life on his terms. Your son at the time was 24 and at that age he should be taking care of himself. How generous of you. He should be grateful. Well isn't that just too bad. Last time I checked having a an A/C that doesn't work in a car is not an emergency. If it were me I would have called the police for theft. I do not mean to sound uncaring and I hope you understand that. Please also know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your son like so many of the difficult adult children count on using our emotions against us. They count on making us feel guilty so that we will give into their demands. It's nothing more than emotional blackmail. I've been at this with my son for over 20 years. I have learned to be very careful about giving any money. Here's the thing, when we give them money it sends a message to them that we will give them money. It is not lost on me or anyone else on this site how hard it is to see our kids in trouble and suffering, however, we need to keep in mind that it's THEIR life choices that have them in the situations they are in. We did not do this to them, they did it to themselves. We also need to remember that there is a fine line between helping and enabling. When we enable them we are really causing harm. At some point they need to learn how to sustain themselves as we are not always going to be around. It can be a challenge to a marriage for sure! My son is in his second year of a 2 year sentence for assault. My husband wanted to put some money on his account for Christmas. I did not agree. I had to remind him that jail is not supposed to be easy. I also did not want to send a message to my son that we will give him money. My husband came to see my side. Does it tear at my heartstrings, absolutely but I have to set my "heart" aside and listen to reason. I had a neighbor who continued to enable her son to the point they lost their house. They had lived in that house for 24 years and kept refinancing to get money to bail him out of whatever it was he had gotten himself into. They were paying his child support so he wouldn't go to jail. He refused to work. They now live in a motor home. I for one refuse to allow that to happen to my life. I love my son but will not enable his poor choices. The best thing you can do is take care of you and your marriage. Hang in there! Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. [/QUOTE]
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