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Can't shake the guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 725745" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am so sorry you have to watch him make so many destructive choices. It is so heartbreaking when we watch them throw away the values that we taught them.</p><p></p><p>Please know that you did not "kick him out". He CHOSE to leave in an angry situation. He CHOSE to make you demand that he leave. </p><p></p><p>Isn't that an interesting way to look at the situation?</p><p></p><p>Your son thought you were out of town. He thought he could either sneak in or he could manipulate/intimidate your wife into allowing him to stay. That way he would be established in your home by the time you returned and it would be harder for you to kick him out. He got into the garage and the house and was thwarted. So he decided to stay in the yard. Then you came out and told him he had to go, thwarting all of his plans. </p><p></p><p>He timed the whole thing so it would be emotionally difficult to throw him out. He wanted you to feel guilty. He demanded that you explain your presence in your own home. How incredible is it that he could make you feel that you had to give an explanation for being in your home to someone who is trying to squat there? Doesn't that strike you as very strange? If it was a total stranger you would have felt very threatened by his question about why you were home. Your son is good at making you feel as if you owe him things.</p><p></p><p>You had money missing but still you felt bad. How does that work? How do you end up feeling guilty when you have just been broken into and robbed? If you have called the cops, the charged would have been breaking and entering and theft. Or maybe even home invasion, depending on the entire situation and the legal definition in your jurisdiction. </p><p></p><p>Maybe it is time to start writing some of the things your son does down on paper. Sometimes we don't realize things until we write them down and then see them on paper. I thought that was silly until a counselor made me do it. I was shocked at how much of a difference it makes. Write down that he broke in and then was planning to just stay the night without telling you. That he stole from you AGAIN. Then he was planning to squat in your yard. </p><p></p><p>Find out from the Court Clerk how long you have to stay in a residence to establish tenancy. If you have to have mail sent, or just stay overnight, and for how many nights. Do NOT tell your son what you find out!! He might insist that you formally evict him!!! That would be a nightmare for you!!! He would have probably 30 days (or more if he didn't respond to the court) to stay and be as awful as he wanted to be!! </p><p></p><p>Think more about where you were at 24. I can tell you that I was married with a child, finishing college, my husband and I owned a home, and we had a cat. My husband worked full time. Most people I knew were doing similar things. </p><p></p><p>Your son is CHOOSING to not work. He is CHOOSING to have no place to live or to sleep at night. He is ABLE to work but doesn't want to. At some point, we all have to live with our choices. It is time for him to be set free to live the life he is choosing. </p><p></p><p>I know you love him. Maybe it is time to stop letting him stay a night or two here and there. He has to have a life that is hard enough, uncomfortable enough to make him want something different. Until his life is that miserable, he is not going to work to get something better. </p><p></p><p>SomewhereOutThere's daughter didn't change until they kicked her out. She went to live in a basement in Chicago. It was winter and she was miserable. No car, job was quite a long walk, and her living situation was NOT cushy. She would be tossed out into the street with nothing if she had even one mistake. A positive drug test would have been the end of any chance at improving things.</p><p></p><p>Guess What?? SWOT's daughter stopped using drugs. She cleaned up everything she did. Now she has a great guy, an amazing relationship with him, a wonderful daughter, and a career she loves. She has told SWOT that it was being miserable that got her off of drugs. It was just too hard to continue the drug life. She also said that people who use drugs lie about everything. If they are speaking, they are lying. Period.</p><p></p><p>That might not work for your son, but it is a start. Stop giving him money. Cut it down to the bare minimum that you can stand. I know that sometimes you have to do something for him, because otherwise your heart just cannot stand it. But the less you give, the better. At least, don't give cash. Get gift cards for stores near him and give him those. I would go for enough cash for one tank of gas, or maybe a couple of meals at a restaurant. But I would keep it on the low end because gift cards can be sold for cash or for drugs. Even better would be to go and buy groceries for him, or take him to lunch or for a tank of gas. If he gets mad because you want to do that, he wants the gift card for other reasons. </p><p></p><p>Know that he is CHOOSING this right now. There is always a chance that he could make different choices at any time in the future. Don't lose faith. Make sure you stick around. </p><p></p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 725745, member: 1233"] I am so sorry you have to watch him make so many destructive choices. It is so heartbreaking when we watch them throw away the values that we taught them. Please know that you did not "kick him out". He CHOSE to leave in an angry situation. He CHOSE to make you demand that he leave. Isn't that an interesting way to look at the situation? Your son thought you were out of town. He thought he could either sneak in or he could manipulate/intimidate your wife into allowing him to stay. That way he would be established in your home by the time you returned and it would be harder for you to kick him out. He got into the garage and the house and was thwarted. So he decided to stay in the yard. Then you came out and told him he had to go, thwarting all of his plans. He timed the whole thing so it would be emotionally difficult to throw him out. He wanted you to feel guilty. He demanded that you explain your presence in your own home. How incredible is it that he could make you feel that you had to give an explanation for being in your home to someone who is trying to squat there? Doesn't that strike you as very strange? If it was a total stranger you would have felt very threatened by his question about why you were home. Your son is good at making you feel as if you owe him things. You had money missing but still you felt bad. How does that work? How do you end up feeling guilty when you have just been broken into and robbed? If you have called the cops, the charged would have been breaking and entering and theft. Or maybe even home invasion, depending on the entire situation and the legal definition in your jurisdiction. Maybe it is time to start writing some of the things your son does down on paper. Sometimes we don't realize things until we write them down and then see them on paper. I thought that was silly until a counselor made me do it. I was shocked at how much of a difference it makes. Write down that he broke in and then was planning to just stay the night without telling you. That he stole from you AGAIN. Then he was planning to squat in your yard. Find out from the Court Clerk how long you have to stay in a residence to establish tenancy. If you have to have mail sent, or just stay overnight, and for how many nights. Do NOT tell your son what you find out!! He might insist that you formally evict him!!! That would be a nightmare for you!!! He would have probably 30 days (or more if he didn't respond to the court) to stay and be as awful as he wanted to be!! Think more about where you were at 24. I can tell you that I was married with a child, finishing college, my husband and I owned a home, and we had a cat. My husband worked full time. Most people I knew were doing similar things. Your son is CHOOSING to not work. He is CHOOSING to have no place to live or to sleep at night. He is ABLE to work but doesn't want to. At some point, we all have to live with our choices. It is time for him to be set free to live the life he is choosing. I know you love him. Maybe it is time to stop letting him stay a night or two here and there. He has to have a life that is hard enough, uncomfortable enough to make him want something different. Until his life is that miserable, he is not going to work to get something better. SomewhereOutThere's daughter didn't change until they kicked her out. She went to live in a basement in Chicago. It was winter and she was miserable. No car, job was quite a long walk, and her living situation was NOT cushy. She would be tossed out into the street with nothing if she had even one mistake. A positive drug test would have been the end of any chance at improving things. Guess What?? SWOT's daughter stopped using drugs. She cleaned up everything she did. Now she has a great guy, an amazing relationship with him, a wonderful daughter, and a career she loves. She has told SWOT that it was being miserable that got her off of drugs. It was just too hard to continue the drug life. She also said that people who use drugs lie about everything. If they are speaking, they are lying. Period. That might not work for your son, but it is a start. Stop giving him money. Cut it down to the bare minimum that you can stand. I know that sometimes you have to do something for him, because otherwise your heart just cannot stand it. But the less you give, the better. At least, don't give cash. Get gift cards for stores near him and give him those. I would go for enough cash for one tank of gas, or maybe a couple of meals at a restaurant. But I would keep it on the low end because gift cards can be sold for cash or for drugs. Even better would be to go and buy groceries for him, or take him to lunch or for a tank of gas. If he gets mad because you want to do that, he wants the gift card for other reasons. Know that he is CHOOSING this right now. There is always a chance that he could make different choices at any time in the future. Don't lose faith. Make sure you stick around. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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