can't shake this down feeling

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Dec 19, 2017.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Merry Christmas everyone !!! I so want to enjoy this holiday season, but the closer it gets I get more and more depressed about my daughter and grandson. Even though it is so much better not having to deal with my daughter I also wonder if I will ever Have any kind of relationship with her. Obviously she doesn't have a desire for me to be in her life, she has crossed me and her sister and brother completely she talks about her second family like they are her actual family. I have tried numerous times to see if I can get my grandson. His dad will not answer my texts or voice mail. Now he has a new phone and I don't know the number. I am not going to just show up at the house. I have no idea what I would walk into.I haven't spoken with my daughter in 2 years now. My life is good except for that. I know if she gets back in my life it will be hell all over again, but the mom in me longs for my family to all be together. I don't know what to do about my grandson. I feel like he is just going to feel like I abandoned him. I wish I was a stronger personality type. But I deal with depression and anxiety too. That makes it twice as hard.
     
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your pain. We are now estranged from both of our sons. They are my stepchildren so it is not as hard for me. I feel more anger and disgust toward them, but my wife, their mother, longs for them in the way you describe longing for your daughter. I guess it is something only a biological parent can truly understand. This level of rejection is just not normal. We go through the same things, unreturned texts, biological father not cooperative/supportive of the boys having a relationship with us, etc. Both kids are mentally ill and the oldest is a pothead. Probably won't be long before the youngest joins him. I am sorry to say that if I never see either of them again it would be ok by me.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I adopted a beloved, brilliant, handsome little six year old Prince (in my eyes) from an orphanage in an Asian country. I have three other adopted kids . They are in my heart as deeply as my biological son. But the six year old, after a lovely childhood, married a woman who clearly was hostile to all of us. I haven't heard from him in fifteen years and never saw his two boys.

    I had intense therapy for two years and had to grieve as if it were a death.

    There is a forum called Parents Estranged From Adult Children. Maybe search for it. Everyone there is in different stages of estrangement and some are also grandparents who cant see the grandkids. I am well over it, but I visited the site to read the stories of others.

    One word of warning. If you visit baby daddy's house he can take out a restraining order on you. In fact many times adult children do this if we show up on their doorsteps and they don't want us to visit. Some file harassment charges if we call them a lot or email them a lot etc. It can get ugly and we have no power. Grands have no legal rights under normal circumstances.

    As sad as it is, legally we have no rights to our family at all, and we can get into trouble. Just like your long lost Uncle Merlin can't come to your house drunk and demand to come in to see his nieces and nephews. You can take action. So can they. And some do!

    The truth is, grandkids that don't know us are likely fine without us. My grands don't pine for me. They don't know me. But...One thing proven is that if a parent does not respect her own family, her kids are much more likely to leave THEM when they are adults. There are consequences sometimes.

    I recommend therapy. It helps! You have other kids and you have much to be happy about. This daughter is more likely to ruin the holiday for everyone rather than enhancing it. You can't force this, but you CAN move on. You can get help to learn to cope and let go.

    Love and hugs.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2017
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I understand your feelings of wondering if you and your daughter will ever have a good relationship. I wonder the same thing about my son.
    I'm so glad you are doing well. This has been a long journey for you but you have progressed to a place that is good. Hold onto that.
    I know how much you love your grandson and I hope your grandson knows that. There will come a point in time that your daughter and grandsons father will not be able to control him or keep him from seeing you.
    The holidays can bring about many emotions for us. Lean into those feelings. The ability to deeply love comes with the cost of pain. I have learned to embrace the pain because it's testimony to the love I have. I would rather have some pain than feel nothing.
    Just as we grieve for ones we have lost to death we sometimes have to grieve for relationships that are no longer viable. I have done this with my son. Just as the love we have for ones we have lost to death remain in our hearts so does the love we have for our difficult children. I will always have hope for myself and all other warrior parents that our relationships with our difficult children can be restored. Hope is not a bad thing but I have learned to hold it lightly when it comes to my son.

    Be very good to yourself. Find joy in the small things. Wishing you happiness this Christmas and New Year.
    ((HUGS)) to you sweet lady.
     
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  5. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Thanks everyone. I know I can always come here and find answers that calm me down a little. My grandson loves me so much, as i love him, but having to put up with his dad just brings the drama back into my life that I hate so much!!!.