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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 627853" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I think everything MWM posted here is vital for us to know and understand as we work hard on our own recovery from enabling, and turn our focus on ourselves instead of our adult children. These are golden words. These are write-me-down words. </p><p></p><p>This is what runs through our heads in the dark night of the soul, it is the Parade of the Terribles that haunts our sleep, and occupies our minds all day long as we sift back and forth, trying to determine what in the world we can try that we haven't tried before, because our best efforts, our profound love, our common sense, our money, our on-our-knees prayers, our incredible persistence, pastors, ministers, well-meaning friends, district attorneys who are in our bible study who have reached out, lawyer friends who have represented difficult child multiple times.......everything in the world.....every possible resource we can muster.....nothing has worked.</p><p></p><p>Nothing.</p><p></p><p>There must be something, right? We just haven't found it yet. If we can only think hard enough, pray hard enough, read enough books, talk to enough people, surely there is at least one more thing we can try. Maybe that one more thing will work this time. Maybe NOW he/she is ready. Maybe we go through it all again because before, they weren't ready, and now they might be. In fact, they said they are so it must be true. And the merry-go-round goes round and round, never getting anywhere, and we completely lose ourselves and we are practically insane with it all. </p><p></p><p>For many of us---those of us from Missouri who can't believe what other people say, we have to learn it for ourselves---it is vital that we understand what MWM posted above. We need to do whatever it takes---the homework in our own communities, if necessary---in order to understand that there are incredible resources---completely apart from us---in this world to help people. We don't have to do a single thing. We need, if we are from Missouri, to make our own lists of resources, to visit the shelters and programs in our communities, to get a copy of what our difficult children have been given, time and time again. I found an Excel spreadsheet in my son's backpack when I picked it up from jail the last time he was arrested. It was about six pages long. It had every resource listed in our town of 110,000 people----food, shelter, job help, housing help, clothing, food stamps, you name it. There were spaces beside each listing of what and who and where and how for the person to take notes, to write down comments, to keep a record. The Excel sheets were crumpled, and they were completely blank. </p><p></p><p>Do you know what those crumpled sheets of paper said to me? They spoke a thousand words. </p><p></p><p>Then----then-----we can say to ourselves, and we can begin to truly believe it: It's not going to ever happen through something I do or don't do. </p><p></p><p>If it is to happen, in our lifetimes, it is going to be because our adult child wanted it more than anything he or she has ever wanted in their lives, and it's going to come through other people. </p><p></p><p>It is going to come when he has the guts, the persistence, the will, the desire, the courage to change and that Excel spreadsheet will be completely covered with checkmarks and phone numbers and appointment dates. It will be used. </p><p></p><p>This is vital for us who are continuing to hurt and suffer and try for years and years and years. We must find a way to stop this insanity because if we don't, we are going to lose our own lives right along with our difficult children, and really, what is the point in that? It is not going to stop them or save them. It is just going to destroy us, along with them. </p><p></p><p>Addiction, the family disease.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 627853, member: 17542"] I think everything MWM posted here is vital for us to know and understand as we work hard on our own recovery from enabling, and turn our focus on ourselves instead of our adult children. These are golden words. These are write-me-down words. This is what runs through our heads in the dark night of the soul, it is the Parade of the Terribles that haunts our sleep, and occupies our minds all day long as we sift back and forth, trying to determine what in the world we can try that we haven't tried before, because our best efforts, our profound love, our common sense, our money, our on-our-knees prayers, our incredible persistence, pastors, ministers, well-meaning friends, district attorneys who are in our bible study who have reached out, lawyer friends who have represented difficult child multiple times.......everything in the world.....every possible resource we can muster.....nothing has worked. Nothing. There must be something, right? We just haven't found it yet. If we can only think hard enough, pray hard enough, read enough books, talk to enough people, surely there is at least one more thing we can try. Maybe that one more thing will work this time. Maybe NOW he/she is ready. Maybe we go through it all again because before, they weren't ready, and now they might be. In fact, they said they are so it must be true. And the merry-go-round goes round and round, never getting anywhere, and we completely lose ourselves and we are practically insane with it all. For many of us---those of us from Missouri who can't believe what other people say, we have to learn it for ourselves---it is vital that we understand what MWM posted above. We need to do whatever it takes---the homework in our own communities, if necessary---in order to understand that there are incredible resources---completely apart from us---in this world to help people. We don't have to do a single thing. We need, if we are from Missouri, to make our own lists of resources, to visit the shelters and programs in our communities, to get a copy of what our difficult children have been given, time and time again. I found an Excel spreadsheet in my son's backpack when I picked it up from jail the last time he was arrested. It was about six pages long. It had every resource listed in our town of 110,000 people----food, shelter, job help, housing help, clothing, food stamps, you name it. There were spaces beside each listing of what and who and where and how for the person to take notes, to write down comments, to keep a record. The Excel sheets were crumpled, and they were completely blank. Do you know what those crumpled sheets of paper said to me? They spoke a thousand words. Then----then-----we can say to ourselves, and we can begin to truly believe it: It's not going to ever happen through something I do or don't do. If it is to happen, in our lifetimes, it is going to be because our adult child wanted it more than anything he or she has ever wanted in their lives, and it's going to come through other people. It is going to come when he has the guts, the persistence, the will, the desire, the courage to change and that Excel spreadsheet will be completely covered with checkmarks and phone numbers and appointment dates. It will be used. This is vital for us who are continuing to hurt and suffer and try for years and years and years. We must find a way to stop this insanity because if we don't, we are going to lose our own lives right along with our difficult children, and really, what is the point in that? It is not going to stop them or save them. It is just going to destroy us, along with them. Addiction, the family disease. [/QUOTE]
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