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Can't take it anymore !!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 647808" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Welcome!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Our daughter has four kids, too. Three fathers involved. The first two fathers were horrific, but we do fall right in love with our grands, don't we? The third father is a very nice man. </p><p></p><p>So our daughter divorced him.</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>Then, she was engaged to another teacher. And they were both working, and they had a beautiful, beautiful home.</p><p></p><p>And he was the football coach too, and was great with her two sons and did well with the girls, too.</p><p></p><p>So, she didn't marry him, either.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Periodically, we took our two granddaughters, and are a source of stability for them to this day. As I think I hear in your posting too though, when our daughter was where she needed to be emotionally, there was no better mom. </p><p></p><p>So home the kids would go, once their mother was up and running.</p><p></p><p>It is heartbreaking to leave the kids with their moms when they are little, and impossible to take them (or to take them on) once the kids have been affected by the kinds of things they see when their mother is not doing well emotionally.</p><p></p><p>We may be raising a granddaughter, yet.</p><p></p><p>The jury is still out.</p><p></p><p>I will have to be very strong if it comes to that.</p><p></p><p>You brought up telling your grandson there was no money for him. That is such a hard thing. I am so sorry. Part of the reason I am so upset about all this lately is that I know grandmothers this doesn't happen to.</p><p></p><p>I have seen them with my own eyes and even, gone shopping with them.</p><p></p><p>The parents are standing up the way parents are meant to stand up, and the grandmother gets to be wonderful and cherished all her life.</p><p></p><p>And she gets to love her grands, and never has to be disappointed or afraid for them.</p><p></p><p>This is not a very encouraging post, I know.</p><p></p><p>When I can set my sights on giving myself permission to let the guilt and shame of this additional crumminess of having to say no to my grands just be what it is, then I can stop judging myself for it. Any reasonable limit on this stuff has been blown to smithereens, but it still hurts me to say no.</p><p></p><p>We used to love to love them so much, and now, we have to say no and we have to set limits because there are six of them and we cannot take them all and we cannot save them all.</p><p></p><p>And it is a whole different layer of betrayal to know what was allowed when my daughter decided, or was not able to, or whatever it was that happened the last time she could not parent her kids.</p><p></p><p>Man, that was tough.</p><p></p><p>And we cannot help them all to the degree they would hope and so, we battle feeling inadequate as grandparents and that has to do with the fantasy grandparents we wanted to (and thought we would) be.</p><p></p><p>And our daughter still needs what she needs.</p><p></p><p>And though we say no, it sucks to have to say no.</p><p></p><p>And as was mentioned earlier in this post, I personally know grandparents these kinds of things do not happen to.</p><p></p><p>And they are so happy, and so innocently proud....</p><p></p><p>Bah!</p><p></p><p>So, we have to learn to detach, and we have to learn to cherish ourselves through that, and through reclaiming the joy in our lives.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>I will try to post more positively, in future. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 647808, member: 17461"] Welcome! :O) Our daughter has four kids, too. Three fathers involved. The first two fathers were horrific, but we do fall right in love with our grands, don't we? The third father is a very nice man. So our daughter divorced him. Ahem. Then, she was engaged to another teacher. And they were both working, and they had a beautiful, beautiful home. And he was the football coach too, and was great with her two sons and did well with the girls, too. So, she didn't marry him, either. *** Periodically, we took our two granddaughters, and are a source of stability for them to this day. As I think I hear in your posting too though, when our daughter was where she needed to be emotionally, there was no better mom. So home the kids would go, once their mother was up and running. It is heartbreaking to leave the kids with their moms when they are little, and impossible to take them (or to take them on) once the kids have been affected by the kinds of things they see when their mother is not doing well emotionally. We may be raising a granddaughter, yet. The jury is still out. I will have to be very strong if it comes to that. You brought up telling your grandson there was no money for him. That is such a hard thing. I am so sorry. Part of the reason I am so upset about all this lately is that I know grandmothers this doesn't happen to. I have seen them with my own eyes and even, gone shopping with them. The parents are standing up the way parents are meant to stand up, and the grandmother gets to be wonderful and cherished all her life. And she gets to love her grands, and never has to be disappointed or afraid for them. This is not a very encouraging post, I know. When I can set my sights on giving myself permission to let the guilt and shame of this additional crumminess of having to say no to my grands just be what it is, then I can stop judging myself for it. Any reasonable limit on this stuff has been blown to smithereens, but it still hurts me to say no. We used to love to love them so much, and now, we have to say no and we have to set limits because there are six of them and we cannot take them all and we cannot save them all. And it is a whole different layer of betrayal to know what was allowed when my daughter decided, or was not able to, or whatever it was that happened the last time she could not parent her kids. Man, that was tough. And we cannot help them all to the degree they would hope and so, we battle feeling inadequate as grandparents and that has to do with the fantasy grandparents we wanted to (and thought we would) be. And our daughter still needs what she needs. And though we say no, it sucks to have to say no. And as was mentioned earlier in this post, I personally know grandparents these kinds of things do not happen to. And they are so happy, and so innocently proud.... Bah! So, we have to learn to detach, and we have to learn to cherish ourselves through that, and through reclaiming the joy in our lives. It is a hard thing. I am so glad you found us. I will try to post more positively, in future. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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