can't trust anyone!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Tarahas3, Nov 23, 2014.

  1. Tarahas3

    Tarahas3 wife and Momma

    I am so upset! A lady I work with and became friends with just showed her true colors!

    Tonight my husband, my son (homeless, drug and alcohol addict) my friend and me were going to a concert. I'd been looking forward to this cause we hadn't done anything as a family in months because of all the issues we're having with my son. The friend is one I've confided in about his drug and alcohol use. She knows how desperate I am to have him off all this stuff. I knew she was a drinker and she told me that occasionally she smokes weed because of pain. She's 62 years old and we all work together. We had an extra ticket so we decided to give it to her. Today at work I hear she and my son talking about getting alcohol into the concert. WHAT? ???

    She knows how hard I've worked to try to get him clean and sober and the pain and suffering my family has been though because of all this! He's 18 almost 19 homeless and an addict and she's helping him get boozes! This person is supposed to be my friend! I had to leave work early for fear of what I was going to do to that woman! My temper got the very best of me and I told my mangers I had to leave RIGHT NOW! i was crying and upset and seeing red!

    I'm a little calmer now but...just wow! I would never ever ever offer booze to a kid! Ever! I'm transferring to a different store after Thanksgiving because I keep finding out stuff he does. Everyone tells me everything that he does! And I don't want to know anymore..the pain is getting unbearable!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the board.

    Unfortunately, yes, you found out she is no friend. However, the issue is really not her, it's your son. Although your friend, who isn't your friend at all, is probably somebody you should never speak to again even at work (let's just said...I wouldn't), your son can find pot easily and booze. If not her, he'd find it from somebody else. I'm a lot confused as to how this woman even knows your son and went to a concert with him? He is homeless?

    Truly, your son is underage for drinking, but he isn't a kid. He's legally a man, no matter how emotionally young he is. I know people who have allowed their underage kids and friends to drink in their homes. I don't approve of it but it isn't something you can stop from happening in the world. It is your son who has to stop wanting these things. It is on him. I had a daughter who used drugs and even homeschooling her did not stop her from being able to get out of the house (while we were sleeping) to get her drugs of choice and see her "friends" of choice. Until she wanted to stop, she did not stop. No matter what we did. And she was mostly under 19 when she used so we had legal rights.

    I am sorry this "friend" (cough, cough) betrayed your trust. She sounds like a sleazeball. Does your son work there?

    I do think it's best to know little about our grown kids when they are doing wrong things, including not checking FB. In my opinion, it doesn't help them and it hurts us and one thing I have learned: WE MATTER TOO! Our health and well being is just as important as theirs or we are no good for ourselves, our jobs, our other loved ones, our friends, our hobbies...we can end up having no life at all accept willing the offending adult child to change. Nobody can change another person at all. It is 100% up to the person to change. We don't have t hat kind of power. But we can change how we react to others and make our own lives better. We have 100% control over ourselves :) This is a good thing!

    I am sorry you are going through this. Is there more to the story you want to share? We are always here...

    Last edited: Nov 23, 2014
  3. Tarahas3

    Tarahas3 wife and Momma

    We all work at a restaurant together. My husband, my son, the friend and me. My son lives in a van we gave him. He can't come home as long as he uses drugs etc. He's been kicked out of every placed he's moved into for last 6 months because of his drug use.

    Tonight we WERE going to a TSO concert together. All 4 of us that I have mentioned.
  4. Tarahas3

    Tarahas3 wife and Momma

    I'm tired.. I'm tired of hurting and being mad and tired of being lied to and lied about. I feel guilty sometimes cause I wish I had never had children. I have 3 and all of them have deep issues. What kind of parent says she wishes she never had children!?! I just want to be alone all the time and never answer the phone or text from my children..
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LOTS OF US!!!!!!

    You do not HAVE to take texts or talk to your grown kids when you are not up to it. You have a right to a good life. Have you ever been in therapy for YOU? If I don't want to talk to my difficult son, I just let the phone ring and don't read his texts.
  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    The kind that has put the time in to raise decent children only to watch as they destroy their OWN lives. We can not live a life of another even if we gave life to them. While you are busy blaming yourself don't forget to add the other things that added to the destruction of your children: the society they are raised in and the company they keep. At best you had 1/3 of "blame" if you choose to accept it, even then you have to forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made because no one deserves to be victimized through abuse repeatedly for the mistakes they (may have) made in the past. I like this quote when I deal with self-blame: "When you know better, you do better"
  7. Tarahas3

    Tarahas3 wife and Momma

    I guess I just needed someone to tell me its okay to ignore their calls or texts. I could text them for DAYS and never get an answer but if I ignore them i'm the worst parent in the world.

    I'm living with bipolar disorder which I faithfully take all my medications for and have been in therapy for just me. My husband is really supportive for the most part. But he's so hurt over this with our son. They have always been so extremely close except for the past few months or so. He's battling with it because it seems I'm the one my son focuses all his anger on..
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tarahas, parenting a 'normal' kid is a challenge, parenting troubled kids can be a nightmare. About 20 years ago I was listening to a talk radio program where the host asked the listening audience to weigh in on this question.......'knowing what you now know, would you make the decision to have kids?' I thought to myself, no one is going to call and say they would make a different decision, this will be a short show." However, to my utter amazement, throngs of people called in and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM said, after they all made the disclaimer first of " I love my kids, I really do......... but............. knowing what I now know, I WOULD NOT make the decision to have children."

    I was very surprised.

    So, give up that guilt about your feelings. We're only human. We can take just so much abuse and devastation without having those thoughts. Give yourself a break, this is hard stuff. Our kids can bring us tremendous joy and also remarkable heartache. It isn't mutually exclusive either, they can bring us both.

    As MWM said, "don't answer the phone or the texts." Refrain. Wait. Let it go. And, seek support for YOU. You deserve that.
  9. Tarahas3

    Tarahas3 wife and Momma

    I am really thankful for finding this website! Y'all have helped me so much! I was pretty strict on my children. I wanted them to be better than me. Read all the books, tried to make all the right decisions, and wanted to be the perfect mom. My husband was the easy going one. Let them do just about anything they wanted..I was always the bad guy so i not only fought my children but my husband that's why my son feels like everything is all my fault.
  10. Tarahas3

    Tarahas3 wife and Momma

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I've never looked at it this way.
  11. Gone

    Gone Guest

    I find that those who don't want to drink themselves are fine with not drinking / allowing / having drink around my daughter or drinking themselves

    Those who seem to need or have to have a drink themselves can't not have a drink around my daughter

    Either way if she wants to drink she will , but yes to me it SEEMS like they are actively 'encouraging' her by HAVING to have a drink themselves when around her as they cannot do without it themselves , my daughter tends to seek out drinkers anyway even though she says she is not drinking any more and they are 'helping' her , but they can't seem to do without it themselves so I don't see how it is actually helping her especially as she is in EARLY recovery , if at all! x
  12. Gone

    Gone Guest

    He has to decide to avoid drinkers if it is interfering with his recovery xx

    With Christmas coming up and my daughters celebratory drinking buddies she is still mixing with I don't know how she is going to do it , fine if it is only HER involved but she could possibly have my GS who is 7 with her and THAT is my concern!
  13. Gone

    Gone Guest

    There seem to be 2 'camps' in my family / extended family and both camps seem to be against each other

    One has the need to drink need to smoke weed people in it and the other has the don't need to drink don't need to smoke weed people in it and my daughter is very much sided with the active drinkers and weed smokers at the moment and 'we' are the 'enemy' the ones who don't yet the ones who don't aren't too happy with the almost active encouragement of the other members who allow / join in with my daughter when she is either drinking or smoking!

    Great rift with a little 7 year old boy who has special needs and an uncertain future in the middle of it!! :grrr:
  14. Gone

    Gone Guest

    What I am saying is this ladys need to drink herself takes priority over any concern she has about your sons drinking...

    So they become ''drinking buddies'' and he is not exactly avoiding her! :wink-very:
  15. Tarahas3

    Tarahas3 wife and Momma

    I told my husband about all of yalls input and guess what? We went to the concert by ourselves with 2 extra tickets. A lady at the ticket stand couldn't get a ticket so we gave her one of our tickets. She was shocked that someone would do that for her. It made my husband and I thrilled to help someone who really appreciated it. We had the best time and tried our best not to think or talk about what had happened today. On our way home we talked a little about it and I told him some of the stories I've read here. Also how much it has helped me coming here. We have finally decided it's time to move on and enjoy our life as much as possible!
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  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good for you Tarahas!
  17. Gone

    Gone Guest

    WOW well done! :)

    You did absolutely the right thing and I can learn from you!

    You set the right boundary for yourselves and your son , you enjoyed your evening , you even helped someone else out without any guilt of enabling someone

    I need to stay on the road you are on too , to remain calm and always do what is BEST for myself and my GS which is ultimately the best for my daughter whether she realises that as yet or not ( at the moment it is very much NOT but so be it ) stay strong , in doing so you help inspire others like myself to stay strong too and am also glad I found this forum too! xx
  18. Gone

    Gone Guest

    My problem is I can detach from my difficult child and her drinking and smoking weed if it is just HER involved as an adult , but when my GRANDSON is involved as he IS , THEN it becomes a different issue / matter and a serious / vital one as in THEN I HAVE to be involved somewhat / keep an eye on her / watch her / find out what she is doing and either even possibly be WITH her to ENSURE my GS is OK OR with her permission take him to a place of safety ie my house IF she is going to be drinking or smoking cannabis

    She usually wants him with her even when partying with friends as they have kids too so they just get together for ''support'' ( cough ) and leave the kids to play ( and fight ) together but I am NOT happy about leaving my GS with special needs in that enviroment , he needs CALM and routine and peace and gentleness NOT chaos and distress and frustration and helplessness bless him!

    So I am going to have to watch her like a hawk in some ways if she is allowed to have my GS back as if it was 'just her' I could get on with my life and leave her to it , and hope for the best of course as I do want her well , but to leave my GS in any potentially unsafe enviroment NO I CANNOT AND WILL NOT DO IT .... Cannot follow her around everywhere I suppose but I can offer to have him with me instead if she wants to party or even chill out with her friends and some family members but if not she USUALLY invites me to come along which I don't enjoy but to be the one responsible adult to supervise my GS yes I will come along and enjoy being with him even if it means taking him out for a walk / to the local park on our own to take him out of the CHAOTIC enviroment

    I do not understand why youngsters LOVE CHAOS , ok FINE if you have no kids , or a babysitter , have your fun and excitement etc but with a CHILD IN YOUR CARE it changes or should change everything surely???

    What is wrong with being a ''homely Mum''???....

    It's NOT boring , there is always SOMETHING to do or be getting on with in the home and it is a calm and settled enviroment and NICE to have the peace and security of a routine , but I suppose I have realised when my difficult child is / WAS WELL she DID like the homely , peaceful things it was / is just the drinking , agitated , stress related lifestyle / inner problems which are 'making' her seek others who are having problems as well so they can 'understand' and support each other whereas the ones promoting just peace and calm are just the goody goody fun destroying naggers! LOL
  19. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Actually I like texting because it gives you time to read the message over and over and that gives you a chance to spot the manipulations. I save mine and print them out, keep in a file at home. Also when talking with your children, it is certainly OK to say "give me a little time to think about it" This gives you the time to sort out what YOU actually want to do. If they continue to push after you make that statement it is time to end the conversation anyway because anything said to convince you after that is just a trap to turn a no into a yes. Just repeat "give me a little time to think about it" until you end the call.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Actually, social services doesn't make final decisions in child guardianship. A judge does. SS is putting your grandson in great danger, especially if your daughter takes him with her everywhere. He is probably seeing things he shouldn't and hanging around with possible abusers. You can't protect him, no matter how hard you try, if he is with her all the time.

    If it were me, I would still contact a family lawyer. I was a foster mom and adopted once from social services. Inept is thy name. They want the kids to stay with the mother even if the mother has broken every bone in the child's body. In fact, this actually happened once and the foster family wanted to adopt the boy as they nursed him back to health and loved him very much. But, nope. Social Services said the mother was "rehabilitated" and gave him back to her after she had slammed him against a wall like a baseball when he was only an infant. Three months later she got tired of him and gave him back to social services, but did they give him to the family that already loved him? Nope.

    By then he was a mess and the second family decided they didn't want him so they finally gave him to the family who had always loved him, but he was never the same loving boy by then.

    I would see if you could work around them. Their ideas of what is best for the child are often very questionable. We quit foster parenting because it was so obvious that the kids were not being taken good care of and that the decisions social services made were often harmful, if not bizarre. In my opinion, they are certainly not looking out for your grandson's best interests.

    Hugs and good luck!!!