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<blockquote data-quote="Hope_Floats" data-source="post: 639822" data-attributes="member: 18310"><p>Now that the holidays are upon us, life tends to get a little more interesting, doesn't it? difficult child has made good so far on his statement that he would "stay out of everyone's lives until he has something good to say" that he made on Halloween when he was having trouble getting someone to loan him a car to deliver pizzas that night after he had totaled the car that I had given him. His boss told him a couple of days later that if didn't have a car by the next day, don't bother coming in. Of course that meant that he no longer had a job, because he has no money, horrible credit (that's what happens when you don't pay your bills), and neither parent is willing to co-sign for a car. So any job he gets now has to be within walking distance (he doesn't currently live on a bus route) or have a schedule that is opposite his girlfriend, so maybe he can borrow HER car (she couldn't loan hers on Halloween because she delivers pizza too). We left him angry that "no-one wants to help me", and with encouragement that he could figure this out.</p><p></p><p>Only trouble is, next week I will be visiting the area in which he finds himself, currently in North Carolina, and then will be travelling to Tennessee for our annual family Thanksgiving dinner. The family has been asking if he and his brother (former difficult child now easy child, living in Alabama) are coming. easy child is coming. Don't know about difficult child. Haven't hear from him, of course.</p><p></p><p>I would like to see him. I would like to offer means by which he can come for Thanksgiving and spend time with his cousins and grandmother, etc. But I mostly would like to spend some time with him. I haven't seen him since July, when I paid his gas money to come to Tennessee to visit with me and his grandmother while I was there.</p><p></p><p>At 22, he is legally a man, but inside he is still half-boy, half-man, and struggling terribly with Borderline Personality Disorder, which I now understand is a living hell. I'm in the middle of reading <u>Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship </u> by Shari Manning, PhD., which has been very enlightening and facilitated a more compassionate outlook from me and has introduced me to some new tools for interacting with him. I see now that so many of the things I have done and said to try to help, which would be appropriate for someone who process things normally, are just the opposite of what he needs to hear to keep his emotions from becoming "dysregulated". </p><p></p><p>So....bottom line.....yes, I am getting to my point...... I need to reach out to him in the next day or so to see if he is interested in 1) Seeing me at all next week (I could come to his apartment to pick him up), and/or 2) coming to Thanksgiving dinner (I am willing to pay the girlfriend gas money to drive him and she's welcome to come as well - or I can transport him myself - or I can get a bus ticket from NC to TN if someone can get him to a bus station).</p><p></p><p>Just hoping that, as I keep the firm boundary of not rescuing in place (he's having a hard time adjusting to that), I am able to have an interaction with him that doesn't make things worse (he says all I do is yell at him - and lately, I think he's right, because I have gotten so frustrated with his choices). I MUST stay calm. Zen calm. Wish me luck!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hope_Floats, post: 639822, member: 18310"] Now that the holidays are upon us, life tends to get a little more interesting, doesn't it? difficult child has made good so far on his statement that he would "stay out of everyone's lives until he has something good to say" that he made on Halloween when he was having trouble getting someone to loan him a car to deliver pizzas that night after he had totaled the car that I had given him. His boss told him a couple of days later that if didn't have a car by the next day, don't bother coming in. Of course that meant that he no longer had a job, because he has no money, horrible credit (that's what happens when you don't pay your bills), and neither parent is willing to co-sign for a car. So any job he gets now has to be within walking distance (he doesn't currently live on a bus route) or have a schedule that is opposite his girlfriend, so maybe he can borrow HER car (she couldn't loan hers on Halloween because she delivers pizza too). We left him angry that "no-one wants to help me", and with encouragement that he could figure this out. Only trouble is, next week I will be visiting the area in which he finds himself, currently in North Carolina, and then will be travelling to Tennessee for our annual family Thanksgiving dinner. The family has been asking if he and his brother (former difficult child now easy child, living in Alabama) are coming. easy child is coming. Don't know about difficult child. Haven't hear from him, of course. I would like to see him. I would like to offer means by which he can come for Thanksgiving and spend time with his cousins and grandmother, etc. But I mostly would like to spend some time with him. I haven't seen him since July, when I paid his gas money to come to Tennessee to visit with me and his grandmother while I was there. At 22, he is legally a man, but inside he is still half-boy, half-man, and struggling terribly with Borderline Personality Disorder, which I now understand is a living hell. I'm in the middle of reading [U]Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship [/U] by Shari Manning, PhD., which has been very enlightening and facilitated a more compassionate outlook from me and has introduced me to some new tools for interacting with him. I see now that so many of the things I have done and said to try to help, which would be appropriate for someone who process things normally, are just the opposite of what he needs to hear to keep his emotions from becoming "dysregulated". So....bottom line.....yes, I am getting to my point...... I need to reach out to him in the next day or so to see if he is interested in 1) Seeing me at all next week (I could come to his apartment to pick him up), and/or 2) coming to Thanksgiving dinner (I am willing to pay the girlfriend gas money to drive him and she's welcome to come as well - or I can transport him myself - or I can get a bus ticket from NC to TN if someone can get him to a bus station). Just hoping that, as I keep the firm boundary of not rescuing in place (he's having a hard time adjusting to that), I am able to have an interaction with him that doesn't make things worse (he says all I do is yell at him - and lately, I think he's right, because I have gotten so frustrated with his choices). I MUST stay calm. Zen calm. Wish me luck! [/QUOTE]
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