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<blockquote data-quote="Hope_Floats" data-source="post: 639961" data-attributes="member: 18310"><p>Thank you, Lil and MWM, for your kind and thoughtful replies.</p><p></p><p>I did text him to see if 1) he wanted to go to grandma's house for the family Thanksgiving dinner and 2) I could visit with him when we are in NC. I told him I could pick him up and we could go somewhere if he'd like (I offered that because to my knowledge, he still doesn't have a car) and I told him that I miss him.</p><p></p><p>He texted back that he was going to another state to see his girlfriend's grandmother. He thereby answered question number 1 and ignored question number 2. I just responded with an "OK".</p><p></p><p>I'm relieved, actually that 1) he responded, 2) he responded civilly, 3) that he isn't coming to Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family because now I don't have to worry about everyone walking on eggshells not to set off a major depressive episode that ends with his feeling suicidal because of some perceived rejection/judgement/comparison to someone or everyone else in the family's lives not being a train wreck like his is at the moment, and 4) that he has somewhere else to go that apparently feels safe for him, emotionally. </p><p></p><p>I'm disappointed, though, that he ignored question number 2. I guess he's still hurt and angry that I didn't come to the rescue this time. Hopefully time will heal that. In the meantime, I'm reading voraciously to try to understand better how he processes things differently than the rest of us and how to, when he's ready to talk to me again, communicate in a way that helps him to better regulate his emotions (as well as how to better regulate my own).</p><p></p><p>Thank you MWM for the links. Much appreciated. I actually don't know if he has been officially diagnosed with Borderline (BPD), because he has been being treated both medically and with counseling for depression and anxiety but I kept running into the Borderline (BPD) diagnosis here, and, noticing that my son seemed to have a lot in common with those folks, I got curious and did some research. I found that in the 9 areas, 5 of which someone needs to show challenges with in order carry that diagnosis, I could think of specific things that he has said and/or done that illustrate challenges in ALL NINE of them. Then when I read my first book which described the different challenges and behaviors that people may display who struggle with that particular mood disorder, I thought that the authors must know my son. They must have been following him around! It was eery. But it was also such a relief, because I KNEW that there were so many things that he does, says, and feels, that don't make sense to me and don't seem to fit the classic depressive or simply anxious states. And that worried me. I couldn't figure out what was going on, but hoped his therapist could. Now I think that everything fits in that pattern and that I have a new perspective and understanding of where those over-analyzing and over-reactive, emotionally volatile, destructive and self-destructive thoughts and behaviors come from. So....I'm still reading everything I can get my hands on, and will definitely be getting the book that you recommended.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if he's doing DBT, but from what few things I've gleaned from him about what in his therapy is helping (Goal-setting and some relaxation exercise that the therapist recorded for him because it was really helping him to calm himself down), they sound like the mindfulness and distress tolerance as well as the self-validation pieces of DBT, so I'm hopeful. I don't know who his therapist is, or even where he's getting it, since I don't live near him right now, and it's going through his step-mother's insurance. I was planning to talk to him about it when I saw him, but since he's not really talking to me right now, that will have to come a little later, I guess. In the meantime, I'll just keep learning as much about it as I can myself.</p><p></p><p>On a positive note, he texted me on his own, the very next day, to let me know that he is going to apply to school soon. I told him that I was glad to hear that, and that I would love to hear more about it. He said he would update me. I felt very encouraged about that - both the goal and the communication of it.</p><p></p><p>There is hope. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hope_Floats, post: 639961, member: 18310"] Thank you, Lil and MWM, for your kind and thoughtful replies. I did text him to see if 1) he wanted to go to grandma's house for the family Thanksgiving dinner and 2) I could visit with him when we are in NC. I told him I could pick him up and we could go somewhere if he'd like (I offered that because to my knowledge, he still doesn't have a car) and I told him that I miss him. He texted back that he was going to another state to see his girlfriend's grandmother. He thereby answered question number 1 and ignored question number 2. I just responded with an "OK". I'm relieved, actually that 1) he responded, 2) he responded civilly, 3) that he isn't coming to Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family because now I don't have to worry about everyone walking on eggshells not to set off a major depressive episode that ends with his feeling suicidal because of some perceived rejection/judgement/comparison to someone or everyone else in the family's lives not being a train wreck like his is at the moment, and 4) that he has somewhere else to go that apparently feels safe for him, emotionally. I'm disappointed, though, that he ignored question number 2. I guess he's still hurt and angry that I didn't come to the rescue this time. Hopefully time will heal that. In the meantime, I'm reading voraciously to try to understand better how he processes things differently than the rest of us and how to, when he's ready to talk to me again, communicate in a way that helps him to better regulate his emotions (as well as how to better regulate my own). Thank you MWM for the links. Much appreciated. I actually don't know if he has been officially diagnosed with Borderline (BPD), because he has been being treated both medically and with counseling for depression and anxiety but I kept running into the Borderline (BPD) diagnosis here, and, noticing that my son seemed to have a lot in common with those folks, I got curious and did some research. I found that in the 9 areas, 5 of which someone needs to show challenges with in order carry that diagnosis, I could think of specific things that he has said and/or done that illustrate challenges in ALL NINE of them. Then when I read my first book which described the different challenges and behaviors that people may display who struggle with that particular mood disorder, I thought that the authors must know my son. They must have been following him around! It was eery. But it was also such a relief, because I KNEW that there were so many things that he does, says, and feels, that don't make sense to me and don't seem to fit the classic depressive or simply anxious states. And that worried me. I couldn't figure out what was going on, but hoped his therapist could. Now I think that everything fits in that pattern and that I have a new perspective and understanding of where those over-analyzing and over-reactive, emotionally volatile, destructive and self-destructive thoughts and behaviors come from. So....I'm still reading everything I can get my hands on, and will definitely be getting the book that you recommended. I don't know if he's doing DBT, but from what few things I've gleaned from him about what in his therapy is helping (Goal-setting and some relaxation exercise that the therapist recorded for him because it was really helping him to calm himself down), they sound like the mindfulness and distress tolerance as well as the self-validation pieces of DBT, so I'm hopeful. I don't know who his therapist is, or even where he's getting it, since I don't live near him right now, and it's going through his step-mother's insurance. I was planning to talk to him about it when I saw him, but since he's not really talking to me right now, that will have to come a little later, I guess. In the meantime, I'll just keep learning as much about it as I can myself. On a positive note, he texted me on his own, the very next day, to let me know that he is going to apply to school soon. I told him that I was glad to hear that, and that I would love to hear more about it. He said he would update me. I felt very encouraged about that - both the goal and the communication of it. There is hope. :) [/QUOTE]
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